Self Care: Setting Limits

When I think about taking care of myself, my mind immediately shifts to what I can DO to feel better. When my therapist first taught me the concept of self care, I kept trying to make lists of activities I could participate in to help me manage stress.  Then, one day in session were chatting about my stress level.  I mentioned that I didn't feel like I was in a good place to take on anything even remotely challenging.  She affirmed that feeling for me...and I was encouraged.

I've shared in previous posts that I am an achiever.  I am a DO-er.  I love that God gave this trait to me!  However, it's my responsibility to steward my gifts...including my time and energy. 

Time:  Sometimes stress management is time management.  It's asking what NEEDS to get done versus what CAN be done.  I want to do it all.  My ideal self is Supermom but, frankly, I don't have what it takes to be a Supermom.  I have to make choices that balance caring for my home and family, maintaining healthy and vibrant relationships, and serving my community.  There are only 24 hours in a day, it's my responsibility to manage what happens when during those hours.

Limit setting with time means that I force myself to carve out part of each day to care for my home.  I do dishes, laundry, sweep, tidy, etc.  Part of my day is set apart for caring for my kiddos and just spending some time with them.  With the few hours I have left, I can choose to hang out with my husband, meet with my girlfriends, go to a school meeting, attend therapy, exercise, and so forth.  What I decide to do depends HEAVILY on my energy level.

Energy:  In my case, energy can be split into two subcategories...physical and emotional.  Truthfully, I have a fairly limited reserve of both.  Here's how limit setting works for me with regard to energy.

Physical---I still have a night waking toddler.  It's a rare occasion to get more than 5-6 hours of uninterrupted sleep.  When I work I wake up at 5:45am so I can be out the door by 6:45am.  Sleep is my unicorn...beautiful and elusive!  If I am physically tired, I don't have the energy to commit to much.  It's really more beneficial to me to say no to hanging out with my girlfriends in favor of getting to bed a little earlier.  Tiredness also means that, sometimes, I spent my toddler's precious rest time minutes taking a nap of my own.  I don't get as much done as I could, but I really need the sleep.

Emotional---Having little kids is emotionally draining.  They are, by nature, very demanding.  Those demands are often persistent, immediate, and volatile.  My role as mother to two young sons takes about 75% of my emotional energy each day.  My husband only takes about 15%.  That only leaves my with an imaginary 10% emotional energy reserve.  That 10% must then be spread out among my family and friends...my neighbors and coworkers...my church and my community. 

I have to be VERY VERY careful with my emotional energy.  Personality-wise, I can burn emotional energy that I don't really have if I have enough adrenaline.  Borrowing emotional energy from tomorrow comes at the cost of my mental health.  I am FAR more likely to fall into a season of depression right after I have taken out a massive loan of emotional energy. 

In order to protect my sanity, I have to understand what I can handle and what I can't...ALSO, what I should take on and what I shouldn't.  Sometimes life happens and you just have to plow through it.  Other times, we invite stress and strife into our own lives.  It's my decision whether or not to accept a challenging new job.  I get to pick whether or not I can handle holding a position in the Booster Club.  It's my choice whether or not to jump headlong into a new friendship with someone who has big needs.  I may choose to do one of those things...or ALL of those things...but it's my choice.  I can gauge my emotional energy-o-meter and make an informed decision.

In order to care for others, I have to care for myself.  I can DO lots of things to de-stress. But, sometimes self care means determining at the outset what stressors I am even willing to take on.