In the past I was under the assumption that people were afraid to be genuine because they feared that people might judge them and they would loses their popularity...like high school. I have recently discovered another reason why many people like to pretend that they have perfect, shiny, Instagram-able lives. While there may be a small group of people with whom it is safe to be "real" with, most people are VERY uncomfortable with mess. They may SAY that they value authenticity, but when faced with gritty reality...they get overwhelmed and suddenly want you to keep that shit locked deep inside...far far away from them.
I struggle with faith and family and relationships and energy and weight and the will to live. I feel that many people get very wary of me because my "struggles" aren't inspirational...there hasn't been a happy ending, Thankya Jesus, wrapped in a tidy bow, resolution to my depression. God hasn't miraculously delivered me from my illness. There is a strong possibility that I will battle depression and anxiety my whole life. People want to hear about the WIN...and I might not ever win. That's the reality.
Whitewashing my narrative on social media, with the neighborhood mommies, and at Bible study has recently become a SUPER appealing choice. I hate it when I share something that's going on with me and people avert their eyes, go silent, and then change the subject...it's incredibly disheartening. (I do understand that, in certain settings, I am required to gloss over some things to remain socially appropriate...my casual acquaintances, PTA peers, and coworkers don't need to know my mental health business). I am gaining a new understanding of the temptation to fake a smile and say something benign so that I don't have to see people squirm in the face of the truth.
Unfortunately, my heart and soul are deeply committed to living my life transparently. Pretending that all is well in my world would be a lie I can't live with. I have mess. My family is messy. My relationship with my sons is messy. My relationship with God is messy. My convictions are messy. My emotions are messy. My mind is messy. Lord knows my house is messy. I am wholeheartedly grateful for those people who are willing to be in my untidy life (including my blog readers). But, honestly, I've kind of come to a point where I don't have energy to deal with people who are squeamish about the details of my reality. To the people who are upset and disgusted by who and what I am, I must say...this is, sadly, where we must part ways. Good luck on your journey...I mean that.
Life Less Sweet: Documentation of my struggle with depression and anxiety.
Dude. Dude. I so get it. I am currently in therapy for an eating disorder. This is the second time I've seen someone to help me walk through this issues. But I tend to hold it close to my chest... I've been in therapy since January and told my church LifeGroup last Thursday. It's hard to know who to tell when and how. I try to move forward in radical acceptance, without putting myself in a vulnerable position. Messy is the perfect way to describe it all.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately Tara, sharing in a church group was the impetus for this post. I don't want to dishonor the church by airing out it's dirty laundry, but at the same time we need to do better. Other people were sharing their struggles, but because my story doesn't end with a "but PTL God is good!"...it makes some Christians uncomfortable. God and I are working out our relationship and I think it's unkind to others who are struggling to pretend otherwise.
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