On Motherhood

Many of you who have been following my blog have learned that motherhood has been THE hardest thing I've ever taken on.  Parenting is fraught with challenges, growing pains, problems, and continual adjustment.  Sometimes, in moments of hardship, I reflect on my choice to become a mother and I wonder if I made the right choice.  (Yes, for us it was a CHOICE...we had to TRY to have babies.) 

In thinking on this matter, I always come to the conclusion that I wouldn't have my life any other way.  I can't imagine what my life would be like without my sons.  Even if I close my eyes and fantasize about sleeping in on weekends and going out without securing childcare first, after a while my heart aches and I miss my babies.  When I daydream about a tidy house and disposable income, I find myself feeling empty.  I love my children with a fierce, guttural, desperate love.  They are more precious to me than ANYTHING else in this world.

For the times when I am ready to run away from the pressure cooker that is motherhood, I need to remember moments when my babies snuggle up to me on the couch.  I can feel their little breaths and smell their perfume of peanut butter, dirt, and free and clear soap.  When they are cranky and throwing rapid fire tantrums, I can recall what it was like to look into their eyes as they drank their bottles and their genuine smiles... filled with the warmth of sunshine.   On the days when they are incessantly needy, I can bring to mind the afternoon when my oldest son found me crying in my room and gently patted my back and softly said, "It's OK."

When the circumstances of the day have brought me to wonder what life would be like without children, all I have to do is remember that the sweetest, most powerful, intensely spiritual word that can ever fall on my ears is...Mama.