Report: Week 4!!!

Well friends, it's been a month!  Here's a run down of the status of my weight and health:

• I have lost a total of 6.6lbs in 4 weeks!  I wish the number was higher, of course, but I lost weight!  I haven't counted calories or done a lot of exercising, but I've been sticking to my Blood Type Diet.
• I am getting into the swing of the diet.  It's starting to feel a little more normal.  Pinterest has helped as I try to incorporate more meatless dishes into the meal rotation. 
• One interesting thing I have noticed is that food isn't feeling the same.  Eating just isn't as fun as it used to be.  Maybe I am beginning to move into the "eat to live" realm.  My food isn't that exciting.  Additionally, when I eat off plan (which again, is rare), I get indigestion...so it's not usually worth it. 
• My tummy is less puffy.  That might sound like a silly report to you, but I can go up an entire clothing size just because my tummy is puffy.  The candida cleanse has helped remedy this.  As a result, my clothes are feeling a little bit looser, even though I haven't really lost enough weight to change sizes.
• My mental health has improved...most days.  When I am feeling good, I am feeling GOOD!  I still have depression though and am susceptible to triggers.  Sleeplessness, dreary weather, and being off from work have contributed to some melancholy.

The plan is to keep following the Blood Type Diet, taking the herbal metformin, taking my vitamins, and continuing to see the naturopathic doctor.  She is running a handful of new blood tests to check several different hormone levels.  I hope to get some additional answers from these tests.  I have some suspicions about what she might discover, but we'll see. 

The doctor I see is also a specialist in neurotransmitters, so I also plan to chat with her about my depression and anxiety to see what she recommends.  There are a few herbal remedies that I have tried in the past, but I will feel WAY more comfortable using herbal meds in the care of a doctor. 

One month down and... well...forever to go!  I imagine as time passes eating this way will become second nature.  I desire to do what is necessary to be physically and mentally healthy.  While there only so much control a person has over such things, I feel like it's my responsibility to take good care of my health.

Self Care: Coffee

The little things seem to make the most difference when it comes to self care.  One of my best weapons in the fight for well being is coffee.  I've been drinking coffee (or coffee-esque substances) since I was 10 years old.  Not on a daily basis of course, but it happened. 

I first discovered that this beverage held calming properties for me when I was in college.  It was a small town and people thought that cappuccinos came from gas stations (AHHHHH!).  There were two places to get a real coffee.  One was the Hastings bookstore and the other was a health food store.  Often I would find myself wandering over to those places to be by myself and get balanced.  In college I lived in a 4 bedroom house with 5 other girls.  Most of the time it was great...but sometimes I got really stressed out and would go get a mocha. 

After I graduated I had to substitute teach for a semester (I was back in the city).  Because of the hit-or-miss nature of the job, I often had a lot of down time.  During this time I was feeling fairly depressed.  I spent most of my time in coffeehouses around the city.  I had one that was close, one that was in the cool part of town, and one that was run by a Christian church.  If I was feeling particularly bad, I'd go grab a mocha and head to the local park with my journal and heavy black pen.  I'd feel better...not all the way better, but again, balanced. 

Time moved on.  I got a job, quit a job, met a man, married a man, and had two sons.  After my 2nd son came along, coffee was a daily occurrence for me.  For financial reasons, I'd switched to brewed coffee instead of espresso drinks...but I was still enjoying my coffee.  It began to be my morning stabilizer.  If I didn't get it, I would get cranky.  The funny thing is, I'm pretty sure it wasn't the caffeine buzz that I craved...something else. 

I began to realize that, for whatever reason, coffee soothed me.  It slowed down my racing mind and relaxed my rigid shoulders.  If I was feeling keyed up or irritable, coffee helped.  A quick Google search showed that coffee has an effect on dopamine levels in your brain.  Let's hear it for my friend dopamine!!!...which if you'll remember can be found in chamomile tea too (and cocaine...but I'm not that kind of girl)

Then last December I came across the information that linked panic attacks to caffeine consumption.  I was bummed!  Bummed...but grasping ever so tightly to my coffee.  I weaned down from full-caf. to half-caf, to decaf.  Truly, decaf isn't the same...especially since I can't have dairy or sugar to doctor it up.  I don't have it every day anymore, but when I need it most, it does the job.

My latest example of coffee's placating effect on me is from this very morning.  It's been raining for over a week (off and on).  There has been a DISTINCT lack of sunshine and I am feeling terrible.  Lack of sun combined with a fussy, potty training toddler and a VERY packed schedule today made me VERY irritable.  I was grouching at the kids, raising my voice, and choosing unkind words.  I knew what I had to do.  Even though our morning was insanely scheduled, I sacrificed 5 minutes to stop and grab a coffee.  Totally worth it!   I relaxed, used nicer words, and wasn't all agitated as I ran errands in a rainstorm.  Again, coffee doesn't cure me...it just calms me. 

Drinking coffee is one of the quickest ways for me to get a little dose of tranquility. Coffee...it's self care.

Taps- A Memory

I had a very unique childhood.  My father was a soldier for 11 years.  Between the ages of 3-5 and again from 9-11, I lived in Germany on an Army base.  An interesting thing about living on base is the soundtrack.  While the bugle calls were for the servicemen/women, they really just became part of my day.

At 6:00AM they played Reveille.  It's a peppy little tune designed to start the day!  This is when they raise the flag and PT (physical training) begins.  Around 6:15-6:30AM I would begin to hear the sound of the soldiers jogging around the housing complex. They stayed in unison by singing cadence. I was usually not out of bed by this time, but I was often awake and strangely comforted by these jaunty songs. My dad taught me some of the PG rated cadences when I was little...Yellow Ribbon and Mama Mama were my favorites.  I still treasure the percussive chorus of those soldiers' voices.  

At 5:00PM they played Recall From Fatigue.  If you were on base (or near base) when this melody sounded you STOPPED. That means if you were walking outside, you stopped where you were standing, fell silent, looked toward the flagpole, if you were wearing a hat you removed it, and put your hand over your heart while they lowered the flag for the day.  If you were driving you pulled over and did the same.  The entire base stood still for those few moments.  Sometimes it was irritatingly inconvenient, but mostly it was a quiet, reverent time.

At 10:00PM, when I was tucked safely in my bed, I would hear Taps.  Everyone has heard this mournful melody either on a movie or at a veteran funeral.  On military bases, it's the goodnight song for the soldiers.  Even at a young age, I could sense that this refrain held both pride and pain.  It 's really just a few notes...but those lonely notes hold so much emotion.  I remember lying there and just feeling a sadness...not a depressed, moody, sadness, rather a pull on my heart to remember.

Taps was especially poignant when my dad was deployed in the first Gulf War.  He missed Christmas that year.  I longed for him.  I missed his fragrance of aftershave and Wrigley's Spearmint gum.  I missed him coming home from PT and watching Sesame Street as he ate his Wheaties.  And at 10:00PM, when Taps played, I just plain missed him.

To this day I cannot bear to hear Taps without getting teary.  I've been to several funerals of veterans.  I can hold it together until they do the 21 gun salute and play Taps.  It means goodnight for the soldier...in the most permanent way...and that breaks my heart.

Tomorrow is Memorial Day.  I am, admittedly, not very patriotic these days. America isn't the same place it used to be.  But, I will always, ALWAYS be grateful to the soldiers who have given their lives in the name of our country.  Most of them were young, vibrant, strong men and women who served with pride and honor. 

Maybe you haven't lost a loved one who was a soldier.  Maybe you haven't watched someone lowered into the ground as Taps played.  Maybe you are the most pacifist, anti-war, global peace advocate in your sphere of influence.  I don't know your story.  However, what we all share is an existential connection to anyone who has contributed to the peace and freedom of our nation.  Remember them tomorrow.  Remember them with pride and pain.  Let your memory be their Taps.

Geek Pride Day and the Nerd Who Celebrates It

May 25th has been official Geek Pride Day since 2008.  I don't consider myself a geek.  I am a nerd...but I can't find a Nerd Pride Day...so, I'll jump onto this holiday to celebrate my people.  (I can't imagine my Geek friends will mind if we Nerds co-opt their special day...geeks are cool like that.) 

Contrary to popular belief, there is a HUGE difference between geeks and nerds.  Geeks= Napoleon Dynamite...Nerds= Sheldon Cooper...or something like that at least. We who consider ourselves Geeks and Nerds all understand that they are not the same identity.  For those of you who don't here is a fun infographic about the differences.


From: MastersInIt.org While I don't think it's entirely accurate...I'd say it's a fair assessment of the difference between geeks and nerds.  I am weird in that I am a social nerd.  I love me some biology and I love me some happy hour with my girlfriends.  That's actually a very rare combination!  There is also some crossover in movies and pop culture...but not always. 

Here are some nerdy things I love.

• Reading Science Fiction...not weird alien stuff...but fiction...about Science...think Michael Crichton, Ray Bradbury, and George Orwell.
• Watching Science Fiction...Warehouse 13, Eureka, Mythbusters, old Twilight Zones, Trek over Wars ANY DAY, Big Bang Theory, documentaries on PBS, any sort of thriller or mystery that requires high level inferences to figure out the plot twist. 
• BIOLOGY!!!... human, animal, plant....I am ALL about it!
• Earth Physics...I have way more knowledge about meteorological convection patterns and plate tectonics than the average woman on the street. 
• Jeopardy and Trivial Pursuit.  I try out to be on Jeopardy every year...true story.
• Words...I am a WORD NERD.  I think the best resource ever invented was the thesaurus.  Why use boring words when you can use extraordinary words?! 
• Glasses. No seriously.  I have always wanted glasses.  I just got my first pair this Spring and I couldn't be happier. Also, I am only attracted to men who wear glasses.  Husband...he's bespectacled (and a fellow nerd...I married a software engineer). 
• WIL WHEATON!!!!!
  
• Learning.  I will be a learner until the day that I die.  If I could afford it, I would be a professional student.
• Cardigans, white button-down collared shirts, comfortable shoes.
• www.thinkgeek.com
• Folk music...think Peter, Paul, and Mary...Mamas and Papas...this Lumineer/Avett Bros/Mumford thing that's going on this year is RIGHT up my alley.

Geeks and Nerds do have many things in common.  First and foremost, we've had to get comfortable in our own skin in ways that are different from the "average" person.  It's hard to be different...especially when you are young and conformity is king.  Secondly, we both have areas of expertise.  Nerds are generally academically oriented.  Geeks have more of a pop culture bent.  Both have profound knowledge of their areas of interest as well as a vibrant passion for the things they love. 

Finally, there is strong anecdotal evidence that both nerds and geeks (who both tend to be highly intelligent) have a higher than average occurrence of depression and bipolar disorder.  The actual scientific studies are a little bit muddled as socioeconomic status, family dynamics, and other factors make it difficult to isolate intelligence from the other variables.  There are several lists on the interwebs of famous people who have mental health issues (examples here and here).  On all of the lists there are scientists, inventors, statesmen, artist, authors, poets, composers, musicians, and actors (including my beloved Wil Wheaton).  This world would not be the same if some mentally ill nerds and geeks hadn't blessed us with their giftedness.   

Tomorrow is Geek (Nerd) Pride Day!  I'm going to commemorate it by wearing my Big Bang Theory T-shirt, drinking decaf out of my caffeine molecule mug, and attending a local children's music festival!  If you are a Geek or Nerd...find a fun way to celebrate!  If you love a Geek or Nerd...tell them how grateful you are that they are alive!  If you are a Geek or Nerd who thinks they might have a mental illness...get help!  You see, we are special...and it's time we took pride in that! 

Report: Week 3

This week was pretty hard.  There was a day or two of chicken/vegetable burnout.  I stayed on plan (mostly...see this post), but I didn't wanna!  To remedy that feeling of food burnout, I spent some quality time on Pinterest looking for some new vegetarian recipes.  Fortunately most Paleo and Gluten Free recipes can be adapted for this particular diet.  A few new recipes are on the plan for this week...I'll let you know if they help.

I only lost 1 pound this week.  It's a constant fight to stay positive when the results seem to shrink in comparison to the effort...but I have to keep trucking.  Even if I am not getting magnificent results, I am getting some.  Seeing the scale go down IS progress...even if it's a tiny increment. 

There are a few things I can modify.  First, I eat entirely too much chicken.  I plan to add more vegetarian meals into my diet.  Secondly, those darn Larabars are SO good.  I can't resist them. To save myself from them, I put them in the freezer...which only made them BETTER.  I need to just save that recipe for special occasions.  Finally, I've decided to stop being such a hardass and allow myself to use some stevia now and then.  I added one packet of Stevia In The Raw to my homemade garlic lime dressing...it made all the difference in the world.  Sometimes recipes need a touch of sweet to bring it all together.  I am allowed to have stevia...I'm giving myself permission to use it occasionally.

My mental health has been a little spotty.  In general, I am feeling really good.  However, I've had a few bad days/bad hours nestled into this week.  There's been some really severe depressive moments and some irritability.  My sleep patterns are off too, so that's probably not helping. 

As I look forward toward this next week, I see some possible snags in the plan.  It's a holiday weekend.  My family will participate in communal meals at least twice...we will need to eat out at least once.  I've done my best to commit to bring dishes that I am allowed to eat, but it's still going to be hard.  On Monday my husband is BBQing pork ribs.  I am not supposed to eat pork...but ribs, come on, right?!  In order to navigate that situation, I have chosen a plan that will keep me on track with my diet, EXCEPT for the ribs.  I'm gonna eat them...it's going to happen.  The rest of the day and the rest of that meal will all be in accordance to the A+ diet. 

I'm interested to see how things turn out this week as I navigate my first big diet obstacle.  I don't want to quit...so I have to commit to plowing through.  Here we go! 

School, Diversity, and Worship

Last night my husband, myself, and my toddler trekked over to my oldest son's school.  It was the biggest event of the year: Multicultural Night.  The school he attends is a language immersion magnet school so there are LOTS of different cultures represented by both the curriculum and the student body.  Every time there is a school wide event I get overcome with emotion...here's why...

The school my son attends in the heart of an urban district in the Midwest.  Since it is a magnet school, the population of the school represents the diversity of the whole city...not just one neighborhood.  Each time there is a Christmas program, school carnival, talent show, etc, I look around at the crowd...and I am amazed.

Around me I see dark faces standing next to light faces.  People who have Master's degrees are sharing the same space as people who are on government assistance. There are brand new immigrants sitting next to people who have never left this city.  It's beautiful.

When the kids are performing the sounds of the audience are equally as beautiful.  In the applause I  hear the sharp "Aye Aye Aye" of the Latin parents.  During the songs I hear "Go on girl!" from dark women with one hand raised high.  Amid clapping I hear the enthusiastic "Wooo"s  of the Caucasians.

Most of us are not best friends with each other, but for the moments we are together, we are all doing the same thing. We are celebrating our children...hoping the best for them...bursting with pride for them...loving them.  While it might sound naive or kumbayah-tastic, when I see all of the different faces melting together into one crowd, I am compelled to worship God.  It is such a magnificent picture of His creation.  I can't help but be aware that this is a glimpse of what heaven will be like.

More often than not, it's painful for me to be an emotional creature.  It can make life very hard.  But, when I get to feel the wonder of true diversity and absorb glory of a God who is the most talented artist, I am grateful that He has made me sensitive. 

Lightweight

I've had three small splurges in the last 24 hours.  And doggone it if I don't feel terrible. 

1. Glass of red wine.  I am allowed to have wine on my A+ diet, but not my Candida diet.  We had a small neighborhood get-together last night. It's been hard for me to refuse alcohol in social situations.  I chose a small glass and only had one glass and sipped on it for a good 30 minutes. I woke up this morning feeling dehydrated and sluggish. 

2.Larabar. Homemade Larabars are ALL over my Pinterest feed.  They looked so delectable that I decided to check out the pins.  As it turns out, these fruit and nut bars are totally OK for my A+ diet (again, not for candida...which ends in two weeks).   There are only 4 ingredients...dates, unsweetened dried cherries, almonds, and unsweetened cocoa.

I went ahead and made them...planning to use them as a special treat.  They were really easy to make and VERY tasty.  However, they were SO sweet.  The recipe says that it makes 10 bars, but I decided to cut it into 16 bars because I couldn't handle that much sugar...even the natural kind.   After I ate one I felt nauseous from the sweetness.  I didn't want to eat anything for most of the rest of the day. 

3. Dark Chocolate.  I tossed a tablespoon of dark chips on my frozen yogurt tonight.  I am allowed to have yogurt.  I chose vanilla and strawberry, which are less sweet than the other flavors (like red velvet and chocolate chip cookie).  I topped this yogurt with pecans (which are fine) and then threw the chips on as a little splurge.  I totally wish I hadn't.

As it turns out, I don't really like chocolate chips.  I always thought that I was a chocoholic, but since getting off of sugar I've discovered that I really enjoy the simple flavor of vanilla more. 

Tonight, I'm feeling sluggish and my tummy feels kind of sick.  I think I'm done with splurges for a while.  Half a bottle of wine is still hanging out the fridge...the Larabars are going into the freezer...and I'm gonna stick to my no sugar plan....it's really for the best.

Report: Week 2

This week has been both easier and harder.  I am getting accustomed to the parameters of my new diet.  Some new recipes have spiced up the vegetarian aspect.  This week I tried vegetarian spring rolls (which is quite a feat without cabbage) and a No-mato pasta sauce.  They were both great! 

On the other hand, I haven't splurged in two weeks.  While I feel really proud about that, I'm starting to feel a little deprived.  I wanted sugar so badly that I had to chew gum to get through the cravings.  Especially since I am on the candida cleanse, I can't afford to cheat.  Sugar feeds yeast.  I REALLY want to take care of that issue...so, no cheating.  As reward for my efforts, I 've lost 2.5 MORE pounds, putting me at 5 pounds under my starting weight.  It's not much, but it feels so GOOD to see the scale moving down. 

In the area of mental health, I am still feeling really good.  I had one bad day last week, but bounced back within about 12 hours.  Again, I can't swear that it's purely diet related, but I'd bet it's at least playing a small part. 

So far, I'd say it looks like I am on the right path.  I will continue posting weekly reports through week 6...then I'll slow it down to once a month.  Hopefully this will continue to be a journey of progress toward improved mental and physical health!

Self Care: Setting Limits

When I think about taking care of myself, my mind immediately shifts to what I can DO to feel better. When my therapist first taught me the concept of self care, I kept trying to make lists of activities I could participate in to help me manage stress.  Then, one day in session were chatting about my stress level.  I mentioned that I didn't feel like I was in a good place to take on anything even remotely challenging.  She affirmed that feeling for me...and I was encouraged.

I've shared in previous posts that I am an achiever.  I am a DO-er.  I love that God gave this trait to me!  However, it's my responsibility to steward my gifts...including my time and energy. 

Time:  Sometimes stress management is time management.  It's asking what NEEDS to get done versus what CAN be done.  I want to do it all.  My ideal self is Supermom but, frankly, I don't have what it takes to be a Supermom.  I have to make choices that balance caring for my home and family, maintaining healthy and vibrant relationships, and serving my community.  There are only 24 hours in a day, it's my responsibility to manage what happens when during those hours.

Limit setting with time means that I force myself to carve out part of each day to care for my home.  I do dishes, laundry, sweep, tidy, etc.  Part of my day is set apart for caring for my kiddos and just spending some time with them.  With the few hours I have left, I can choose to hang out with my husband, meet with my girlfriends, go to a school meeting, attend therapy, exercise, and so forth.  What I decide to do depends HEAVILY on my energy level.

Energy:  In my case, energy can be split into two subcategories...physical and emotional.  Truthfully, I have a fairly limited reserve of both.  Here's how limit setting works for me with regard to energy.

Physical---I still have a night waking toddler.  It's a rare occasion to get more than 5-6 hours of uninterrupted sleep.  When I work I wake up at 5:45am so I can be out the door by 6:45am.  Sleep is my unicorn...beautiful and elusive!  If I am physically tired, I don't have the energy to commit to much.  It's really more beneficial to me to say no to hanging out with my girlfriends in favor of getting to bed a little earlier.  Tiredness also means that, sometimes, I spent my toddler's precious rest time minutes taking a nap of my own.  I don't get as much done as I could, but I really need the sleep.

Emotional---Having little kids is emotionally draining.  They are, by nature, very demanding.  Those demands are often persistent, immediate, and volatile.  My role as mother to two young sons takes about 75% of my emotional energy each day.  My husband only takes about 15%.  That only leaves my with an imaginary 10% emotional energy reserve.  That 10% must then be spread out among my family and friends...my neighbors and coworkers...my church and my community. 

I have to be VERY VERY careful with my emotional energy.  Personality-wise, I can burn emotional energy that I don't really have if I have enough adrenaline.  Borrowing emotional energy from tomorrow comes at the cost of my mental health.  I am FAR more likely to fall into a season of depression right after I have taken out a massive loan of emotional energy. 

In order to protect my sanity, I have to understand what I can handle and what I can't...ALSO, what I should take on and what I shouldn't.  Sometimes life happens and you just have to plow through it.  Other times, we invite stress and strife into our own lives.  It's my decision whether or not to accept a challenging new job.  I get to pick whether or not I can handle holding a position in the Booster Club.  It's my choice whether or not to jump headlong into a new friendship with someone who has big needs.  I may choose to do one of those things...or ALL of those things...but it's my choice.  I can gauge my emotional energy-o-meter and make an informed decision.

In order to care for others, I have to care for myself.  I can DO lots of things to de-stress. But, sometimes self care means determining at the outset what stressors I am even willing to take on.

A Chance For Sporting

On a whim, I joined a softball team this Spring.  I was in a mood, an opportunity presented itself, and I went with it.  Full disclosure:  I haven't played softball since intramurals in college.  Sooooo....it's been a while...and it shows.

I can't hit or throw.  Every at-bat ends in an out.  They have me playing catcher...in this league, that's where you relegate your weakest player.  We haven't won a game.  My natural inclination is to get very disappointed in myself and maybe bow out. 

The reality is, I spent good money to join this league.  I've committed to it and it's only for a few more weeks.   Additionally, my team is very cool.  They aren't mean and don't make me feel bad that I suck at softball. 

I do want to improve though, so I should spend some time tossing the ball around again.  Batting practice would also prove beneficial.  Truthfully, I will always be slow...but I can get a little faster.  The road from home to first is just a short sprint, right?

At the end of the day this is just a rec league for grown ups to have a little fun.  I get to be active and social at the same time...win-win...even if we don't win.   

In the Fall...KICKBALL!  WOO!

On Motherhood

Many of you who have been following my blog have learned that motherhood has been THE hardest thing I've ever taken on.  Parenting is fraught with challenges, growing pains, problems, and continual adjustment.  Sometimes, in moments of hardship, I reflect on my choice to become a mother and I wonder if I made the right choice.  (Yes, for us it was a CHOICE...we had to TRY to have babies.) 

In thinking on this matter, I always come to the conclusion that I wouldn't have my life any other way.  I can't imagine what my life would be like without my sons.  Even if I close my eyes and fantasize about sleeping in on weekends and going out without securing childcare first, after a while my heart aches and I miss my babies.  When I daydream about a tidy house and disposable income, I find myself feeling empty.  I love my children with a fierce, guttural, desperate love.  They are more precious to me than ANYTHING else in this world.

For the times when I am ready to run away from the pressure cooker that is motherhood, I need to remember moments when my babies snuggle up to me on the couch.  I can feel their little breaths and smell their perfume of peanut butter, dirt, and free and clear soap.  When they are cranky and throwing rapid fire tantrums, I can recall what it was like to look into their eyes as they drank their bottles and their genuine smiles... filled with the warmth of sunshine.   On the days when they are incessantly needy, I can bring to mind the afternoon when my oldest son found me crying in my room and gently patted my back and softly said, "It's OK."

When the circumstances of the day have brought me to wonder what life would be like without children, all I have to do is remember that the sweetest, most powerful, intensely spiritual word that can ever fall on my ears is...Mama.

Report: Week 1

I feel like I've done a lot of week 1 reports this year! In my commitment to get healthy physically and mentally, I've tried a lot of things.  Since I finally saw a doctor regarding my weight, I can rest assured that I will be sticking with this plan for a while. 

My A+/candida diet began last Friday.  So far I have lost 2.5-ish lbs.  I say "ish" because I've lost 3, went up 5 from there, and lost some again putting me at 2.5lbs from my starting weight.  I think I only need to weigh myself once a week.  That will slow down some of the anxiety about whether or not the diet is working. 

I am proud to say that I haven't cheated on this diet.  7 days of fidelity!  Yay!   It honestly hasn't been too bad.  For most of 2013 I have been avoiding sugar, dairy, and grains.  So that's not such a shock to my system.  I am discovering that the combination of foods I am currently permitted to have is not often found on a restaurant menu.  Even salads, soups, gluten free dishes, and appetizers either have a vegetable or a cheese I am avoiding.  I've had a few tablespoons of tomato or peppers here and there...but they were eaten at restaurants.  I decided to go with the "spirit" of the diet and just make the best choice I can make when I go out to eat.

In the arena of mental health, I have decided to reserve judgement about the diet.  I am feeling REALLY good.  But, I want to give it some time to see if I'm running on sunshine and hope or if the diet is really helping this much.  That is to say, I am CERTAINLY going to enjoy this season of feeling normal, but I am unsure whether or not I am ready to attribute it to the diet. 

I just got my blood sugar control supplement yesterday...so I have no official report on that.

Self Care: Getting Out

Extrovert

Definition: Most people believe that an extrovert is a person who is friendly and outgoing. While that may be true, that is not the true meaning of extroversion. Basically, an extrovert is a person who is energized by being around other people. This is the opposite of an introvert who is energized by being alone.

 

I've known that I was an extrovert since my first days in school.  My personality is gregarious and social.  I have an innate aptitude for making people feel valued and for making connections with others.  It's how I was created and I celebrate that!  That being said, becoming a stay at home mom has seriously limited opportunities for expressing my extroversion.   

 

Early in my journey of motherhood, I discovered that I would have to be WAY more intentional about getting around people.  There was a compelling force in my heart.  It insisted that I needed to be OUT of my house.  My infant would get buckled into his little car seat and we would get out...almost every day.  The interesting thing about being an actual extrovert is that I can get energy from the most superficial of connections (if I need to).  While having meaningful connections fills me up more deeply, simply chatting with a strange new mommy at the park would help.  Truthfully, I could even get my people needs met by having a brief interaction with the grocery check out lady!

 

Here are some outlets I have found for my extroversion:

• MOPS...Mothers Of PreSchoolers.  I went to my first MOPS when my first baby was 7 weeks old.  There was a two year hiatus after we moved, but I joined again this year and have LOVED it.
• Girls Night Out...The moms in my neighborhood have a standing date twice a month for Happy Hour.  It's wonderful!  We've been meeting for two years!
• Playdates/Community play groups
• Porch parties
• Classes/book studies/women's church activities
• Working part time
•  Giving myself permission to linger after church just to talk with people

It's easy to feel guilty to leaving my children.  I've had to just get over that.  It's my role to set an emotional tone for my home.  Finding healthy and appropriate ways to nourish my heart is not selfish...it's self care.

 

 



Exceeds Expectations

The Foster Forum was last night.  I had mentally prepared to be triggered by talking about fostering.  While today my emotions feel a little bit tender, I'm probably not going to become depressed. 

It's easier for me to focus on failure than to sift through the pain and find the good things that came out of the experience of fostering.  Our foster care deacon is sensitive to that.  The tone of the evening was one of affirmation and support.  She spent a good amount of time reminding all of us that we had done and are doing good work for the children in our city.  Last night was a good reminder that there is a time to dig in and take challenges AND a time to exhale and reflect on the profits of our labor. 

We still don't plan to take foster children again.  BUT, I attended a meeting about the topic without getting triggered.  That's progress...the beginning of healing.  It will be interesting to see how God can use that season of our life for the welfare of others. 

NOTE:  Thank you to anyone who prayed for me.  I needed it and benefited from it! 

Self Care: Rocking Out

One of the tools that my therapist has given me is the concept of "self care".  Self care is making sure that YOU have some of your needs met so that you have more margin to care for others.  The most common parallel example given is that of the oxygen masks on an airplane.  If the cabin loses pressure, masks drop down from the ceiling.  Adults are always advised to place their masks on FIRST before helping the children.  It may seem counter intuitive for a mother to seemingly neglect her poor child...but the flight attendants explain that if the mother is not able to breathe, she won't be able to help anyone.  Taking care of one's self so that they can take care of others. Self care.

I struggle with self care...as do many mothers.  Putting my needs first can seem selfish and often like a waste of valuable time.  It isn't.   In fact, it's vital that mothers practice self care. 

Some readers will already have ten ideas for self care coursing through their brain right about now.  I don't.  Relaxing has never been a strong suit for me.  Achieve, produce, make interpersonal connections.  That's what I know and where I am often most comfortable.  Since being "strongly encouraged" to practice self care, I've had to figure out what it is that fills up my energy, love, and peace reserves. 

I will likely do some short series on the different things I do to take care of myself. Tonight I am focusing on what I am doing right now...not writing (although, that is one).  After dinner tonight we rearranged my toddler's room.  We ended up bringing the rocking recliner from his room down into the living room. 

Right now I am rocking peacefully in 'ma chair.  I'm loving it.  For you, this might be a ridiculous example of self care.  But, I found a spot in my home that is specifically designed for soothing.  (It works for babies, right?!)  I'm not sure I am capable of being uptight while rocking in a rocking chair.   Peace.

Self care is about finding how you can get some "oxygen".  This rocking chair is working tonight...I'm goin' with it!

Love

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

~ 1Corinthians 13:13

I've been feeling really, really good for about a week.  A combination of several things has created a positive environment for a healthy outlook.  One component is some encouragement that I received from a podcast sermon by Tim Keller.  It was about being a Christian and feeling bad.  His point was, basically...that's just life here on Earth.  It does not do us any good to be sad because we are sad....or depressed because we are depressed.  That resonated with me.  I always feel EXTRA bad because I shouldn't feel bad and it just increases the intensity of my depression.

Part of the surge of happiness is sweet, sweet sunshine! Serotonin and sunshine are a winning mental health combination!

Another factor is finding a direction to walk toward with regard to my health and diet.  That's created a new sense of hope that I might, one day, feel better.  Hope is a powerful antidepressant! I've also been regularly working and getting a lot of social interaction. 

Since I am feeling better, I am once again getting to enjoy all of my relationships.  I am truly and immensely blessed by the sheer amount of people in my life who love me.  I have supportive and caring parents.  My sister and I enjoy a deeply caring (and fun) relationship.  I find myself surrounded by a long suffering and sweet husband, kids who think I am the best mom in the world (most days), best friends, new friends, Facebook friends, church friends, and neighborhood friends.

Please don't think I'm bragging about my impressive list of social connections.  I, myself, am often astounded that God has placed so many amazing people in my life.  They are being highlighted and celebrated today because I know for absolute sure that God uses the faces, shoulders, and voices of the people in my life to remind me that He loves me.

When I think that there is no joy in life, my sister tells me a story, and in minutes I am laughing so hard I'm crying.  When I think that I am worthless and unlovable, my toddler enthusiastically shouts "I love you MAMA!".  When I'm really beating myself up about my mistakes, I am cheered up by others who have found ways to give themselves grace and have shared it on Facebook or through their blog.  When my heart hurts too much to feel the abstract love of God, He appoints a neighbor to speak kind words to me. 

I am humbly and eternally grateful for these relationships.  It is my hope, that in their time of need, I will find myself being used by God to show love to them. 

Thank you.

Preparing For the Worst

Tomorrow evening I will be attending our church's "Fostering Forum".  It's supposed to be small and intimate.  We are meeting at a local restaurant...so it promises to be low key.  Here's the thing though...for the last year, talking/thinking about foster care has (at least) put me in a funk for a few days thereafter OR (at worst) sent me spiraling into weeks of full on depression.

When I saw the invitation for it, my first response was "hell no, I'm not going to that!"  But, my friend (who is a foster mom and the coordinator of the event) texted a few of us (particularly those of us who'd had bad experiences) and personally asked us to attend.  I agreed to go.  My only stipulation was that I would be allow to be completely honest about our experience.  She supported that. 

I've already made a mental outline of what I want to say.  I WILL find a way to communicate a few key things.  I don't care how they are received or whether or not they will be popular...I feel like I have some wisdom and truth to share...even if it goes against the "party line".  It's not that I want to be combative or negative (necessarily), but it was SUCH a painful, path altering, faith shaking event in my life, that I feel like I need to be honest with my Christian brothers and sister about it. 

As I prepare to go to this meeting, I am bracing for the mental backlash.  That means I will need to make sure I ask God to allow me to speak truth in peace and love.  I will also ask a few friends to pray for me.  I'll need to be careful about making time to de-stress from the situation as well.  Maybe it won't be as bad as I am fearing, but it very well could be. 

Life Less Sweet, Less Spicy, and Less Meaty

In the previous post I revealed that I was diagnosed with insulin resistance.  The day after that post I attended my first ever appointment with a naturopathic doctor.  While I was nervous about walking into a natural center for well being, it was a great experience.  There wasn't any weird superstition or half baked hippie advice.  It was like seeing a doctor...who happened to have a large cabinet full of herbal treatments and who looked at the whole picture of my health.  We met for TWO hours.  She asked all kinds of questions about all aspects of my health.

My regular doctor had faxed her my blood work, so she already knew I was coming in with insulin resistance.   After filling out a quick medical survey we also determined that I have candidiasis (basically a systemic yeast infection...which, actually confirmed something I've thought for a while).  In order to treat these two issues, I was instructed to add in a candida cleansing supplement, an herb that lowers blood sugar, and a REALLY expensive diet shake (I might search for some cheaper alternatives once I finish this round).  Additionally, the doctor told me to follow the Eating Right 4 Your Blood Type diet.

Basically, this diet is designed for the chemistry of each blood type.  I am A+, so get to become a quasi-vegetarian. 

• All Meat is on my Avoid list, except chicken and turkey. 
• All Dairy is on my avoid list except a few soft cheeses, goat cheese, kefir and yogurt. 
• I can eat most Beans and Legumes.  Garbanzo beans, kidney beans, lima beans, and navy beans are restricted.
• Grain wise, I am limited to grains such as amaranth, buckwheat, kashsa, cornmeal, rice, oats, and sprouted grain bread like Ezekiel Bread. 
• I can eat almost all Vegetables, but on the short list of ones I am to avoid are eggplant,tomatoes, peppers, potatoes, olives, mushrooms, and cabbage. 
• My list of Fruit is decent.  I am not allowed to have bananas, mangoes, cantaloupe, or oranges. 
• I cannot eat ketchup, mayonnaise, Worcestershire sauce, jello, any kind of pepper (peppercorns, flakes, cayenne), capers, or any kind of vinegar.
• In the realm of Beverages I am allowed to have dozens of herbal teas, green tea, coffee and red and white wine.
• As an added restriction my doctor and I both agree that soy is not a good idea for me. 

For the next 30 days I am also following a candida cleanse diet.  That means, in addition to the restrictions of the A+ diet, I have to avoid all bread and cereal (I'm eating rice and quinoa), I am limited to 1 fruit a day, I cannot have any alcohol and I cannot have any sugar except stevia.

It's going to be a challenge, I'm not going to lie.  I can deal with the meat and grain restrictions...but seriously NO PEPPERS!!  That rules out almost all Mexican food, which is devastating for me. No tomatoes means I have to get really creative with any Italian food I make.  Frankly, I can look forward to a Mediterranean and Asian inspired diet.  

I want to feel better AND I want to avoid becoming diabetic (which is the next step after insulin resistance).  I'm committed to doing this.  The purpose of the diet is to calm down any inflammation in my body and to help me lose weight.  Insulin resistance and PCOS are both helped by weight loss.  I also think that once we clear up some of these health issues, my mental health picture will be a little brighter as both diseases can contribute to depression. 

SIDE NOTE: Candidiasis can also cause anxiety symptoms. 

Resisting the Procedure

I got a call while I was at lunch today.  My blood tests came back positive for insulin resistance.  I told you in an earlier post that I was going to see my doctor last week.  When I met with her I shared my concern with not being able to lose weight and, based on many symptoms, mentioned that I was curious whether or not I might have PCOS; she listened.  She agreed that I probably do have PCOS and ordered a blood test to check for insulin resistance (one of the major signs of the disease).

Besides ordering the test we talked about weight loss.  She told me that it was going to be very difficult because my body is resisting the change.  We discussed a very, very, low carb diet and she said she would give me some numbers for weight loss doctors.  I thanked her, got the numbers and left.  When I called the numbers, I discovered that she had only given me the names of bariatric surgeons.  That was VERY disappointing.

This is the same doctor who recommended surgery last year.  I have definitely spent some time thinking about this option.  While it sounds like a fast way to lose weight, I can't bring myself to do it.  It is a major surgery and life altering in unpleasant ways (not to mention people often gain the weight back).  Additionally, I want to find out if we can tackle the REASON behind my weight gain (as I remain certain that it isn't entirely diet/exercise related). 

What is most irritating to me is that, when I research both PCOS and insulin resistance, I find that obesity is listed as BOTH a cause and an effect.  That's not fair right?!  Well, which is it?  I guess I don't know.  I am not a doctor.  I do know that the weight that I show on the scale is not congruent with my diet.  (PS...guess what another symptom of both diseases is...you guessed it...depression!)

So, when the nurse called me today to tell me the news, she said the doctor wasn't really planning any sort of treatment at this time.  She again mentioned visiting the bariatricians.  While I am bummed that my traditional doctor only wants me to fix this with gastric bypass, I still have some hope because I have an appointment with a naturopathic doctor tomorrow.  I've never been to a naturopath before.  I don't know that to expect.  From my understanding, though, I will find someone willing to look at the whole picture with me.   That's what I want...I want to explore how to get my body (and mind) healthy by taking care of the root problem...not by hacking away at my digestive system.

NOTE: I am not anti-bariatric surgery.  I think it is a wise choice for many people.  I am just frustrated that my doctor sees it as my ONLY choice.