The Resolve

My new posture toward sugar is simple. Sugar is a "sometimes" food. It is a sweet gift from God, but not designed to be enjoyed every day (multiple times a day).

I plan to celebrate holidays and special occasions with the sweet treats associated with them. I will not be celebrating random holidays as a means to get more desserts...Talk Like a Pirate day does not necessitate a holiday celebration dessert.

If I am going to partake I am going to make sure it is a dessert quality. Little Debbie snacks are NOT high quality! Soda is NOT high quality!

I am absolutely planning to avoid sugar substitutes. This is something that I did before the fast, but I have an even stronger resolve to stick with the "real" thing and not a laboratory created facsimile of God's sugary kindness. I will be experimenting with more natural sugars than "white sugar" like honey, turbinado, cane juice, maple syrup, and agave as well as using fruit for it's sweetness.

What I Learned

1. There are more reasons than I thought for abusing sugar. In the beginning of the fast I assumed that I used sugar for comfort mostly. As it turns out, I found myself equally being tempted to indulge in sweet treats for approval...or really to avoid disapproval.
   


2. Sugar is a ridiculous presence in our country and it is going to take God's strength and the Spirit's conviction to emancipate me from my servitude to sugar.


3. Without God filling the void that sugar leaves, I will just be inclined to fill it with something else...thus the instruction on avoiding snacking.


4. On as less spiritual note, I discovered that sugar is not necessarily the culprit of my "ample waistline". After fasting sugar for 42 days and generally avoiding snacking for about half of that time, I did not see ANY evidence on the scale. I would like to reiterate that I did NOT fast sugar for weight loss...but I honestly expected to see evidence of my sugar worship disappearing from my body. I feel less puffy...but the numbers don't lie. So, I either need to discover what other food strongholds there are in my life or see a doctor about an underlying medical reason for my high weight.

Ending Early?

Ecc. 3:1-8

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

As I decided to end my fast yesterday I thought of this verse. My only sister delivered her first baby yesterday. While preparing to attend the birth I decided that I would break my fast. It just seemed like an inappropriate time to be concerned with sacrifice.

The plan was to pick up the fast again today. However, I decided that I wanted to end as a means of personal accomplishment and not necessarily for the glory of God. So, I am done now.

In the end I fasted from sugar for 42 days (with the few little hiccups I blogged about). I learned so many things about my unholy/unhealthy dependence on sugar. I will break that down in another post.

Fight to the Finish

I WANT SUGAR SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!! I want ice cream and brownies and chocolate ANYTHING. This is AWFUL!

I can't pinpoint any emotional reason for this current agony. There isn't any blatant spiritual reason that I crave. I think I just know that Easter is coming soon. Having my goal on the horizon is pushing my endurance. Endurance is a skill where I am laughably weak. So, I continue to reap lessons from participating in the sugar fast.

In a spirit of thankfulness, I am glad that the entire fast hasn't been this gut wrenching. I am going to be compelled to pray now more than ever that God will help me honor this fast until Easter. I am going to need my community to come along side me and help me limp across the sugar free finish line.

Added challenges:
1. my husband's family is celebrating Easter on Saturday. After talking with Mark I have decided to stay true to the Lenten season and go all the way until Sunday.

2. I am in charge of desserts for Easter. I will be making a coconut chocolate cheese cake and strawberry cream cheese cake truffles. None of which I get to taste until Sunday. I will have to rely on the trustiness of my recipes and my poor husbands VERY indecisive palate to ensure Easter dessert success.

Friends I implore you to pray for me and if you see me going for sugar...be tough with me...it's for the good of my soul to let God work in me as I let go of my dependence on sugar.

Infidelity

I cheated...it wasn't premeditated...it just happened. I went to a class last night. They offered snack mix. The only one the had contained candy covered chocolate pieces. I ate around them for a good portion of the small bag. Then, I sort of just got tired of eating around them. So I went for it.

Not good friends. If I was going to choose my cheat with malice, I would have chosen something of a MUCH higher quality.

The hardest thing? After cheating, I just wanted to scrap the rest of the evening. Dreams of large colas and chocolaty chip cookies filled my mind. "I already messed up...might as well enjoy it.", I thought. I then came to my senses and decided to just pick the fast back up without further indulgence.

My soul was not pierced with the agony of failure. The Lord did not smite me. His love for me will never fail...even when I fail Him. I simply repented and moved forward.

Upon reflection, I noticed what I was thinking/feeling at the time of the infidelity. I was thinking..."I am tired of this." Everything requires a special effort. I am sick of salty food...even well seasoned meals don't quite cut the craving for sweetness. I am just weary of the effort that it takes to give up the taste of sugar. Is it right that I am raging against the difficulty of this fast? I'm going with "no".

Life is challenging. Sacrifice (even a silly one like sugar) can be grueling on your body and mind. Just because something is hard doesn't mean it's not good. I fully intend to keep going...fully relying on God's strength because I am FOR SURE at the end of mine.

Gratuitous Lesson

In participating in this sugar fast, I am learning things which are more broadly related to my use of food...not just sugar.

Lesson: God is not obliged to pay for my overindulgences.

Recently at Redeemer, we had a sermon series on stewardship. The overarching lesson was that ALL things belong to God. We only have what we are given. God promises to supply our needs and expects us to trust Him in that. That being said, Mark and I have had to take a serious look at our budget recently. Even though we would consider ourselves frugal and generally good stewards, our bank account continues to be insufficient. Looking through our expenses I saw a lot of things we have no control over. I also noticed that the food budget was WAY over.

How does this happen? I am a very careful meal planner. The meals I make are healthy and inexpensive. We buy store brands and sale items. We eat proper portions. Then my mind goes to the top shelf of the pantry. This is the snack shelf. I keep it well stocked. WELL stocked.

Is snacking wrong? Maybe. Please don't think I am a weird religous crazy lady. I am just trying to take an honest look here.

This is my reasoning: The life that I lead is not one that should necessitate snacks. I don't exercise on a daily basis. I for sure don't do manual labor (besides picking up my hefty children). I eat enough food at meal times to keep my body running until the next meal.

Snacking is a frivolous waste of money and calories. Who am I to waste the resources God has given us to thicken my already ample waistline? I am eating money that could be used in much more valuable ways.

Pancake Problems

My neighbor called yesterday and asked me to help her paint a room Saturday morning. I agreed to help. She then said that her partner was making pancakes for those of us helping. I agreed and the conversation was over. I was telling Mark about the phone call when I remembered that I can't have pancakes!!! It honestly just slipped my mind in the moment...and came rushing at me post-phone call.

Several options popped into my head.

#1. Just eat the pancakes! I must admit that this would be the (outwardly) easiest choice. Plus, this woman probably makes AMAZING pancakes. But, upon reflection I decided that I would face conviction by the Holy Spirit and it would flavor the whole rest of the experience.

#2. I could just go over and then politely refuse the pancakes. But, these neighbors are becoming dear to us and they would probably rather I was honest with them beforehand than all weird and secretive about it.

#3. I could trust them with the situation. I decided to call and let them know about the pancake quandary. It was an awkward phone call and I was probably overly apologetic. The neighbor sounded disappointed that she couldn't appreciate my help with breakfast but was happy that I could still help paint.

I have to admit that I am a little nervous about having to explain all of this to them (assuming they'll bring it up). In the end it was more honoring to God and to my neighbors to be faithful to my commitment and to be honest with them about it.

Oopsie Days

Friends, I have had sugar twice in the last two days. Neither occasion was planned or enjoyed, if that makes a difference.

Instance One: I made snacks for small group. I should have gone to the store and bought the sweet snack (we do a sweet and a savory as sort of an unspoken pact)but I was being cheap and just trying to use what I had on hand. The first thing I made, I thought was going to be great. I feel very confident in my cooking when I know that the ingredients should go well together. I only had a small box of brownies, which is not NEARLY enough for small group, so I decided to make my semi-famous peanut butter cookies and put that on the bottom and pour the brownie batter on top and make a little peanut butter brownie hybrid. Sounds delightful, no?

Yeah, they baked a different rates, resulting in a big gloppy mess. Anywho, long story somewhat shortened, I tried to salvage them and ended up having to taste them to see if they were acceptable. Turns out they weren't so I am not sad that happened.

Then, in an attempt to STILL not go to the store, I made caramel popcorn....which I KNOW is good and shouldn't have to taste. However, I have not made it since I got my new stove and the caramel cooked kind of fast and started to go into toffee mode, so I tasted a kernel to make sure it wasn't scorched.

Instance Two: Today I went out for coffee with my friend. I ordered a peppermint latte...which has never been sweet to me...just minty. I honestly thought it was a safe choice. BUT after nearly two weeks of avoiding excess sugar, it tasted SOOO sweet. I thought for sure the barista had accidentally made it a peppermint mocha. Not so much. I went ahead and drank it because I DID order it and they DID make it the way I asked. It would be a bratty waste to ask them to throw it away and make me a new one...not how I roll.

So, in trying to see whether or not I fed my heart idols, at first blush I thought I was innocent. Looking at it later, I can see that my first slip up was tied to my pride. I did not want to give my group food that would make me look bad. Were the PB Brownies edible? Yes. Was it the BEST I could do? No. Should I care? Kind of. I want to give people the best I have to offer. But I should do it because I love them and not because I want them to laud my culinary skills.

My second slip up was tied to approval. I knew my barista from church. I didn't want to be a pain to him or have to explain the whole "giving up sugar" thing. It's awkward to explain and it would have been embarassing. It may not have been a big deal, but the fear of looking foolish flavored my choice not to trade the sweet latte in for a plain one.

In closing, will I make different choices next time I am in similar situations? In the light of God's strength and HIS approval, I certain hope so.

Sugarless Banana Muffins

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Sugarless-Banana-Walnut-Cake/Detail.aspx

These turned out awesome! I bumped up the amount of banana...i just mashed up two. I also added vanilla. Next time I will spray the muffin cups...they stuck!

Week One Report

This was not nearly as hard as I expected. I didn't find myself writhing from the agony of not eating excess sugar. Though I do have to confess, I accidentally ate a bite of fortune cookie.

Seriously, I just thoughtlessly popped it in my mouth as I was talking to my sister! I realized my error when I mentioned that the fortune cookies tasted better than normal. So, I can only surmise that being sugar free for a week can even make the sweetened cardboard that comes at the end of a Chinese meal taste delightful!

I do find myself craving soda though. Oddly enough, I don't really drink soda on a regular basis, so I don't know what that's about. I also miss baking. I found a sugarless (not even fake sugar) banana bread recipe that I am going to try for Saturday's breakfast. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Even though I still have snacks, they don't have the same emotional feel to them as when I eat sugary snacks. It honestly does feel more like fueling my body and not like assuaging my soul. I would like to point out that everything is running fairly smoothly in my life though. I can't help but wonder if the next bump in the road will come with a sweet temptation.

Lots of people told me that this first week would be hard. Really, I have a feeling that every week until Easter is going to get increasingly more difficult.

Preparing For My First Test

Monday is my little sister's birthday. We are celebrating at my parent's house this year. On the menu: Jaeger Schnitzel, potato salad, speitzelle, bread, and my mom's homemade snicker's cake. This is the meal traditionally known as "Easter Carbfest", but this year my sister will have a brand new baby at Easter so we are going to blend with her in laws for a special meal instead.

Anywho, I am able to partake of Birthday Carbfest 2011 up until the snickers cake. My mom knows how to bake a cake my friends! The mere thought of missing a dessert is a little sad for me. What's worse? I am actually a little afraid to refuse the cake. Maybe my mom's feelings will be a little hurt. In addition, it's totally plausible that the entire family will think I am some sort of religious nut who thinks that all things enjoyable are evil. They may never SAY these things and, even if they don't, I will still wonder whether or not they are THINKING it.

Blog friends, I'd like you to meet my Approval Idol. I use sugar to keep the people I love happy with me. I fear the rejection of saying no to chocolate cake. I'd like to make it perfectly clear that no one has ever forced sugary treats into my mouth or ridiculed me for declining a dessert. It is my very own personal dysfunction.

This illustrates perfectly that sin is not a list of naughty things that I'm not supposed to do (we all know the list, right y'all?). Sin is when I try to make myself OK apart from God. So even benign things like a cake turn to sin when I use them to commandeer love for myself.

The truth is that, no matter what I do about dessert, I am always approved by God through Jesus. Even if the entire world is disappointed with me or worried that I've gone off the deep end...God's love is all that should matter to me. My job now is to repent and ask God to remind me that He always thinks I'm loveable.

You Live And Learn

In one of my previous posts I said I was going to allow myself to have fruit juice. Last night I did just that....and it felt like cheating. So, unless I squeeze it directly from a whole fruit...no juice. And really fruit is expensive....I'd rather just eat the dumb thing than waste it extracting 1/4 c. juice.

I'm not trying to be masochistic here. The fast has just been refined based on a new conviction.

Ash Wednesday

Neither my husband nor I had ever celebrated Ash Wednesday until a few years ago. It was just not part of the Easter celebration in any of the churches we attended until we went to Redeemer. The first year we decided to attend we sort of sat through the liturgy (which was also a new concept for us) not knowing what to do with ourselves. When it came time to receive ashes, we weren't totally sure if we should do it or not.

I wrestled with my heart motivations. Was I doing it to look holy to others? Was I doing it to blend in at Redeemer? Did I want to try this new thing just for the sake of having the experience? After spending time praying, both Mark and I decided to receive ashes. If you are not familiar with this, receiving ashes is when the pastor looks at you and says “Remember that dust you are, and to dust you shall return,” which comes from Genesis 3:19. He then dips his finger in ashes and makes a cross on your forehead.

What happened next, I actually didn't expect. I had braced myself to do battle with my pride; to fend of any false claims of holiness that these ashes on my head could offer. But, to my astonishment, I felt humility.

Having these ashes on my forehead was at best... embarrassing. Not because there was a gray smudge on my head, but because that smudge spoke volumes. "I am incapable of saving myself." they mumbled. "I need...very deeply just NEED." the ashes whimpered. The mark on my head knowingly declared "I am more sinful than I will even admit to myself and I need to be rescued."

When one symbol says all of those very intimate and painful things, you sort of just want to hang your head...to hide. By God's blessing, I looked around me and I saw the ashes on everyone else too. Their ashes said the same things. In moments like those I get a rare glimpse of what heaven might be like.

Fat Tuesday

I was planning to be all pious and sacrificial. There would be no last indulgence on Fat Tuesday. But I changed my mind. It wasn't changed by any deep or meaningful stirring in my soul...just decided it didn't really matter. I did, however, decide that if I am going to have one last sugary delight it's gonna have to be worth it! Frozen custard!!!!

Sugar Is Swiss

I will not demonize sugar. Sugar is not "the debull". In the great battle that rages between good and evil sugar is neutral. For me, this sweet substance harms my soul when I allow it to affect how and why I make other choices. I can be certain that my Lenten fast will reveal some of the broken reasons I often allow myself to be a slave to sugar.

It Ain't What It Ain't

Here are some further explanations of what this fast is for/what it will look like.

• This is not a fast for weight loss. Do I expect that it will be a side benefit of abstaining from sugar? Yes. I wear my sin on my waistline. Learning to obey God instead of abusing sugar will likely have consequences in the weight arena.
• This is not a fast for health. Yup, too much sugar is bad for you. I get that. But going 40 days without sweetness is for my figurative heart and not for my physical one. Do I expect to feel better? Yes. Learning to obey God instead of abusing sugar will likely have consequences in the health arena.
• This is not a ploy for attention. I am publicly sharing my fast. I am so convinced that God would like me to share it publicly that I am not, at this time, concerned with mixing my intentions.
• This is not a quest for holiness. As in my previous post, I fully concede that I cannot earn more of God's love or grace or forgiveness by fasting at Lent. In the finished work of Christ is the only place I can find holiness before God.
• This is not a "churchy" status move. What you think of me has no bearing on this undertaking. If I am going to be honest, I feel a little foolish doing this and writing about it. Do I care what you think of me? Indeed I do. Do I think that plugging through the mess of that truth will bring me to a more clear understanding of God's holiness and my sinfulness. Yeah. Has God prompted me to share this that you might be strengthened. I feel that He has.

It Is What It Is

Since deciding to fast from sugar for the Lenten season, I have tried to reverently and prayerfully decide what this is going to look like. So far, this is my plan:

• Refrain from ingesting foods or drinks that would be considered "sweet". If a food contains sugar as part of it's essential make-up but would not be considered sweet...I'll eat/drink it. The strongest example that comes to mind is bread.
• I decided that I will not obsessively read labels to search for sugar/sugar substitute/sugar like compounds/etc. It is my fear that doing this will lead to a weird sort of legalism that will inhibit me from learning about my sugar addiction.
• God-made sugars will be acceptable in the form of fruit and fresh fruit juice. At this time I am not going to allow myself to eat honey or even natural "sugars". I feel like I would just make a substitution instead of eliminating the CRAVING for sweetness.
• In refraining from sweetness I hope to be made aware of my heart motivations in regard to sugar consumption. From this awareness I wish to be brought to repentance and to replace the desire to put sugar in my body with a desire to trust and love God.

The Decision

The concept of Lent is new for me. I am not totally sure how one is supposed to go about giving up something for Lent. But, through a series of sermon points and just convictions in general, I have decided that I want to give up sugar during the 40 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter.

Though I will expound upon this later, I want to be clear that fasting from sugar for 40 days will not make God love me more. He will not be happier with me or reward me for my "sacrifice". He already died for me when I was His enemy and gave me all of Himself. There is nothing I can do to earn more grace, mercy, or love from God. A Lenten fast does not make me holy. The sacrifice of Jesus on the cross and my acceptance of that makes me righteous before God.

My heart in this matter is to eliminate a substance that I have an unhealthy craving for. In doing so, I hope that God will show me the motivations behind my abuse of sugar. I want God to be my God. I recognize that in certain instances I use sugar to feed the other idols in my heart and I wish to repent of that.

Deciding whether or not to share this endeavor was a hard choice for me. In the end, I decided that the Lord would be more glorified if I shared my struggle than if I just quietly learned the lessons that it will bring. So feel free to visit this blog and see what God is doing through this little exercise!