Free

Our Easter Sunday worship service was new and strange this year.  The church has grown from 75 people to nearly 2,000 in just 5 years.  In order to get the whole church together, we rented out the Grand Ballroom of the Kansas City Convention Center.  Because we didn't have our regular children's facility, the kids had to stay with us through the whole service.  I barely heard any of the sermon because we were busy wrangling kids. The thing I did hear was a good word for my soul.

At some point the pastor began talking about the saving sacrifice of Jesus (as he is wont to do).  I heard him say something along the lines of "because God has made a way for us to know Him, we can have total freedom".  FREE.  I know for sure that I have not been living free. 

Though God does not keep a record of my wrongs because of the blood of Christ, I DO.   Though I do not have to impress God with my works, I STRIVE to do so anyway.   I put myself above God and try to fit Him into my own mold of an angry, disappointed, hard-driving father, then live in the shadows of shame and disillusionment that this line of thinking has brought upon me.  This permeates all of my relationships from husband, to child, to members of my church, to neighbors, and everyone woven throughout.  I fear that everyone's harsh eyes are on me because I am failing to work hard enough for God or I am failing to keep my temper in check or even failing to home school or breastfeed or vote in a certain way.  I am emotionally ensnared by these pressures.  I am trapped and paralyzed by the "shoulds" in my life.

I know that God is good, kind, forgiving, and patient.  I know that in my brain.  I'm not entirely sure what to do with this information about freedom.  If I knew what to do, I'd have already done it, right?  I've talked to God about it and still find myself struggling with it every day.  I want to live free.  I don't know how.