A Negative Nelly

"I’m my own worst enemy...Its bad when you annoy yourself...So irritating...Don’t wanna be my friend no more...I wanna be somebody else" -Pink

 

"I'm kicking my own ass, do you mind?" -Liar Liar

Sweet friends, if you haven't already picked up on the negativity that is me, you're going to get a little glimpse into it today.  I had a rough morning.

I had a neurology appointment today regarding my headaches.  I already knew what the doctor was going to tell me because my primary care doctor already called me with results of my test.  It was just a formal visit...for the record really.  Anywho, I was in a hurry to get out of the house this morning and forgot my MRI films and had to leave the appointment to go get them.  Long story short, my 10:00 AM appointment ended at 1:30PM and I only saw the doctor for FOUR MINUTES!

I was shut in a small, windowless room, waiting all by myself for TWO HOURS.  There were no magazines, I did not bring a book, and I had NO Internet connection and intermittent phone service.  I was all alone with my thoughts.  All I could do was berate myself for making the mistake of leaving my films at home and causing this whole day to go to crap.  Also, during check in, my weight was the highest it's ever been...those two things bounced around in my head for TWO HOURS.  I found out via spotty text message that my sister (who was watching my children and was now stuck with them for four hours instead of one) was having a rough time because the little ones were fighting and coloring on the walls.  Additionally, we were supposed to go on a fun outing after my appointment to have the kids run around a little and get some lunch.  We would not be able to do that now because of my STUPID mistake. 

I just kept mentally reminding myself why I am always so afraid of making mistakes.  There are always seriously unpleasant consequences when I mess up.  Incidents like these solidify my belief that I am only as good as my ability to be perfect.  It's difficult to fight against hard data. 

Out of anger, disappointment, frustration, and utter "caged-animal-ness", I began to cry.  Then I began to sob.  A nurse popped her head in to make sure I was OK and I just kept pleading with her to go away.  She kept pressing me and I kept insisting that she leave me alone!  By the time I left my appointment I was completely defeated emotionally.  I failed to be responsible, found out that I am fatter than ever, THEN I freaked out on a well-meaning nurse, and made a general fool of myself in front of medical professionals.  It's a bad day. 

I came home and immediately ate sugar.  I didn't even try to fight it.  I felt comforted and guilty and weak and disgusting all in the same bite.   It didn't help.  I always think it will and it doesn't...but I always think it will.  Again, a cycle. 

I have people who love me tell me ALL THE TIME that I need to stop being so hard on myself when I am not perfect.  I can't.  The language of failure is so ingrained in me that, even though I am being treated for depression, it permeates my day.  I failed, I'm a failure, it failed, I succeeded, win!, etc. 

Depression isn't just feeling sad.  It's a whole skewed, screwed up view of life and life's problems.  There are lots of things that I "know" that I cannot get my mind to accept as truth.  Nobody is perfect, I "know" that.  But, knowing that hasn't allowed me to feel any less negative than I do right  now.

PS...my MRI was fine...my headaches are unrelated to the physiology of my brain.