The Endlessness: A Dangerous Truth

I was just reading an article on the interwebs which spoke to housework.  The author gave some tips about cleaning and even spoke to the proper attitude for cleaning. She was a proponent of "good enough" cleaning.  I can get behind that!  One thing she did say that struck a nerve was that, in order to keep a good attitude, stay at home moms need to "embrace the endlessness."  Oooohhhh did that set me off.

For people who know me well, this is not news...but for those of you who haven't been allowed into this part of my world, here it is:  I don't like being a stay at home mom! I never have and I can only assume I never will.  As soon as my youngest is in school I will be HAPPY to head back into the workforce. 

By nature, I am an achiever.  I like results I see when I work toward goals.  It's not anything inherently bad or unhealthy.  This drive led me to graduate high school in the top 10% of my class.  It led me to finish college in 3 1/2 years. Up until I had children, I spent my whole life achieving. It's just how I am.  Nothing, NOT ONE THING about being a stay at home mom provides that kind of satisfaction for me. 

For those of you who are gasping and accusing me of some sort of blasphemy...to you I say "I just don't care darlin'!"  It was NEVER my plan to be a stay at home mom.  I never planned to be married or have children.  It's the way life went...but never the plan.

I LOVE my children DESPERATELY.  I love my husband.  What I don't love is the endlessness.  I cannot embrace it.  I want to, but it violates every fiber of my being.  I clean the kitchen 3 times a day...THREE.    It stays clean for a maximum of 1 hour before it's time for snack or meal or someone makes a huge mess that requires lots of paper towels.  I tidy my house TWICE a day...TWO...at nap time and after kids are in bed.  As soon as they wake up, there is no evidence that it was ever tidy.  It always looks like crap.  Laundry is never, ever, ever done. That is hard for me.  As an achiever, working without results is frustrating on a soul level. 

Additionally, telling my son for the 4 MILLIONTH time not to hit his brother with a stick/sword/blanket/GI Joe is exhausting for me.  Saying, "sit down at the table, sit down at the table, sit down at the table" day after day makes me want to smack my head into a wall.  Reteaching the same social skills again, and again, and again feels like trying to roller skate in mud. Digging my heels in and NOT giving in to a temper tantrum 3-4 times a day just sucks the life (and joy) right out of me. 

So why do I do it?  Well, once I saw the track that my life was on I knew that I did not want another woman raising my children.  As much as I loathe this "job" that I do, it's my conviction that it's my job to do (again MY conviction, not the ONLY right conviction...I have many great mom friends who work full time).    I get to be the biggest influence on the lives of these little men and that is a high calling.  I get to be the one who lays their spiritual, emotional, physical, and educational foundations.  They are adorable, brilliant, funny, and remarkable children.  In the big picture, I am very proud to be their mother.

I've had opportunities to go back to work full time and, even though I'm not happy staying home, I can't deny this conviction that I have.  I WANT to, believe me.  But, in my heart I know that I would be violating this very deep seated belief that I have. 

So, since I can't quit, I have had to put a few coping strategies in place.  First, my therapist has recommended doing things which have a beginning, middle, and end.  THAT is why I paint so much.  I can see results and that feels great!  I also decided to go back to work two days a week.  I am a kinder, less irritable, more snuggly mommy when I get to MISS my kids.  It's good for our family to be apart a little.  And, I blog.  I created Whajasay http://www.littlenelsonkids.blogspot.com/ as a way to celebrate my kids and tie it into my great passion for writing.  It makes me remember that they are amazing, hilarious, sweet little creatures. 

I don't know what purpose sharing this will serve.  It was on my mind, on my heart, and I felt compelled to share.  Now I have to go feed the children again and then clean something...because that's what I do.