A Big Decision

A few weeks ago I wrote about being a stay at home mom (SAHM).  It was pretty clear from that post that this lifestyle is not fulfilling to me.

When I am not being a homemaker, for two days a week, I am a substitute teacher.  My husband and I have made a decision to add more days to my schedule next school year.  I will double my workload.  My youngest (who will be almost 3 in the fall) will go to preschool two days a week and continue to go with his Nana the other two days.  

While I am excited and at peace with this choice, I feel a little like a traitor.  I can afford to stay home with my children full time.  Going back to work is not a financial decision...it's a mental health decision.  For some, that might look like I am spitting in the face of a blessing.  It's just that, in the end, I can't care what "some" say.  I'm hurting and I truly feel like being out of my home will help.
We have established that I have depression.  It is exacerbated by my diet.  It is exacerbated by my lack of exercise.  And frankly, the most glaring contributing factors come from my vocation. 

First, we already talked about the endlessness.  I NEED to achieve.  It isn't sin that I want to accomplish things.  It's not sin that I want to see some sort of finished product.  It's part of the way I was created and denying it for 6 years has caused distress. 

Also, I am bored.  A nerd by nature, I am bored with the mundane aspects of staying home.  According to many a book dedicated to the pursuit of mothering, finding joy in the mundane is a blessing.  God hasn't allowed me to enjoy that.  Cooking and cleaning do not challenge my mind.  It is left to over process, over analyze, and obsess about innumerable things. 

Finally, I am a people person (an extrovert, if you will).  I love to talk and connect and laugh and cry with other people.  While I have found some connections as a SAHM, for the majority of my day I am ALONE.  ALL ALONE. Loneliness is crushing for an extrovert and has previously been a trigger for my worst bouts of depression.  If I am honest, my favorite part of mothering is relating to my kids.  I love teaching and training.  I enjoy the crazy conversations that my smarty pants 5 year old creates.  I love exposing my kiddos (in age appropriate ways) to the world around them.  I love the PEOPLE that they are.  Those are the things that are fulfilling to me.  I don't have to be home full time to do that with them.

I understand that when I return to work, I will still have to take care of my household.  But, doing it as a full time job just isn't working out.  I am choosing to continue as a substitute teacher because it is flexible.  If my kids are sick, I don't have to work.  When there is a field trip or a school party, I can take that time off with no consequence (well, I don't get paid, but...).  I will have winter break, spring break, and summers off.  I still get to be with my little people.  It is a job that I can go to and leave with little attachment.  I get to use my degree.  I get to engage my brain.  I get to be with people.  I get to feel like I've finished something. 

Not everyone will agree with my decision.  But, it's not theirs to make.  If you are happy to be a SAHM, wonderful!  I am truly glad for you.  If you think that the sacrifice is worth it, then do that!  I have just come to the place where I see that it is contributing to my depression.  I've done it for 6 years.  It's never been easy.  I tried to stick it out.  After this last year and all of the hurt and confusion and disappoinment that came with it, I am just no longer convinced that I HAVE to stick it out in order to glorify God and care for my family.