Broken

Sometimes things don't turn out the way we thought they would...boyfriends break up with you...jobs end...weekend DIY projects turn into phenomenally expensive professional ventures...everyone has examples of things that didn't go they way they were supposed to.  Most of the time, however, things end up being just fine.  Occasionally they end up better than before.

I've alluded to the fact that my life did not turn out the way I planned it.  I was going to change the world and make it a better place!  I was going to be an important contribution!  While that may sound like the naive dreams of a young woman, I was honestly set up to do that.  My education, my extracurricular activities, my leadership opportunities, my drive, and my passion were all geared toward that end.  The "life verse" that was bestowed upon me by my father was "to whom much is given, much is required" (Luke 12:48b) 

So I set out as a young adult with that life purpose in mind.  But, at every turn, I had the rug pulled out from under me.  I took a job at an inner city middle school...I lasted three years before I had to throw in the towel and admit defeat.  I had babies...I was literally faced with failure from the first hour.  We moved to the heart of the city...but now I had two little children and no time or energy to give back to my city.  We took foster children for 8 months...but it was so gut wrenchingly difficult that we decided to never, ever do it again.  It seems like every time I go out to prove to the world that I can take on a challenge, I fall embarrassingly short. 

There is a concept in Christianity called "brokenness".  I've always understood it as an antithesis of self centeredness.  If my heart is "broken", I will not quarrel with God or be worried when faced with the peril of a challenging situation.  If my heart is "broken" I will not hesitate to sacrifice my body and desires so that I can do hard things for others on God's behalf.  But, in the last year, I've come to a new understanding of "brokenness". 

Maybe, for me, it's accepting that the life I have been given is smaller than I thought it would be.  I thought I would be an important player in the betterment of the world.  Really, I just have this husband, these sons, and this house entrusted to me.  This is my world and I DO have influence here. 

Being broken might mean having the humility to say "this is too hard, I can't do it."  Accepting my limitations IS dying to my selfishness.  I want to do hard things, I want YOU to KNOW I can do hard things, but I am truly incapable of taking some types of challenges. 

Being broken might mean making decisions based on what is best for me and my family...whether or not it fits into YOUR idea of what is best...and asking you to love me anyway. 

Being broken might be admitting that what I have to give to God (and others) is upsettingly less than I thought it was...but trusting that He loves me and always will.