The Wagon

I was sick all last week with a gross mix of coughing and tummy flu.  I barely ate ANYTHING.  Once I started feeling better, I ate whatever sounded good.  And I am OK with that.  Being sick and getting better is allowed to trump any dietary preferences for a few days.

Today is Monday and I am no longer sick.  But, by George, I am still wanting (and eating) sugar. I have fallen off the wagon.

 Here is an interesting article about "falling off the wagon".  In a nutshell, the study suggests that "all or nothing" thinkers tend not to do very well when faced with backsliding.  It also mentions some interesting information about addictive urges and our resistence to them.

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1868965,00.html

I am an "all or nothing" thinker.  I am the EMBODIMENT of an all or nothing thinker.  My descriptor of choice for the battles of my life, is more often than not: FAILURE.  It's ludicrous.  This occurs not because I AM a failure, but rather because I fear failing.  So, whenever I have a set back or something doesn't turn out the way I hoped it would (or even when something blows up in a nasty mess in my face) I see it as some deep seated downfall, a character flaw that I have to work hard to fix.

Let me be clear, I do have some real, deep seated failings that often make my life harder than it needs to be.  I also have a Hope.  I hope that the actual missteps of my heart are covered by the sacrifice of Jesus.  My true loss is choosing not to live in that Hope.   I continue to try to earn the love God and the love of others by trying hard to be perfect...and then smashing my head into a wall when I can't live up to it. 

But often, it's not the heart issues in my life that I am mourning.  I find that I am berating myself for circumstances that I didn't really control. I am magnifying tiny little shortcomings into enormous problems. I am being hard on myself for not knowing myself well enough to have made a wiser choice.  It's unkind.  God doesn't hold me accountable for these things, who am I to keep a more stringent record?

Today, I am going to be nice to myself.  I'm going to finish this brownie that I am eating as I type and realize that it's just a brownie.  In the big picture of my life, this instance where I gave into the temptation of sugar is not significant.  I will make a cognisant effort not to overanylze it or pick it apart until it bleeds.  I will not quit trying to avoid sugar and simple carbs.  I will take it for what it is, a minor backslide on a long, steep climb.  I can glean what information I can from the whys and wherefores of today's indulgence.  But, then...I'm gonna let it go. That's life.  I'll just try again tomorrow.