A Certain Kind Of Sadness

"You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness." -Gotye

Even though it is technically a pop song, that lyric has resonated with me since I first heard it.  It's true...and I've known it for a long time.  I am taking this year to intentionally focus on treating my depression with nutrition, medication, and therapy.  I feel so much better...and...I don't.  This illness has been a part of me for so long that I am (sometimes) not sure what to do with myself once I feel better.  Sometimes, it's more comfortable to bask in the sadness you KNOW rather than journey into uncharted territory.

I hate feeling obsessive and unworthy.  I hate not being able to get a handle on myself and function without pain.  I hate feeling completely alone in a room full of people. I hate hearing words of rage fly from my mouth into the ears of my sweet children. However, there are elements of my illness that I don't mind...and a few that I cherish.  When it comes to being "healed" from my depression, it seems that full and complete recovery kind of terrify me. 

What I don't hate is that twinge of melancholy that prompts me to spill my soul onto paper. I don't hate the pessimism that protects me from enormous disappointment in the people around me.  I don't hate the connection to the pain of the world that makes me sensitive to the hurt of others. 

As I pursue healing, I am going to need to wrestle with the parts of me that find identity in my malady and ask myself if I really want to be healed.