Cheater Cheater Zoloft Eater

It has been two weeks since beginning The Mood Cure plan.  I found the book when I was looking for reasons for my panic attacks (since the stress from my life wasn't matching my physical response).  While the panic attacks have subsided, I still find myself dealing with my depression.

Depression is a malady that I have fought against for a long while.  I've probably been slightly depressed since early childhood.  I bucked against a diagnosis of clinical depression in college and plowed through into early adulthood...then the babies came.  Post-partum depression hit me like a freight train when I had my first child. Yet, STILL I just thought that if I worked hard enough and kept trucking through I'd feel better eventually...I didn't really.  I was just used to feeling sad, guilty, paranoid, obsessed, and powerless.

After my second son was born, I found myself steeped in another episode of PPD.  This time I decided to tell my doctor at my 6 week check up.  She didn't hesitate to write me a prescription for Zoloft.  In addition I was to find a counselor to talk to while on my medication.

OH MY GOODNESS!  The difference was wonderful!  I wasn't floating on some golden cloud of perpetual happiness...but I felt BETTER.  SO MUCH BETTER!  I saw a therapist for the first 6 months and that was so valuable.  But, time went on.  I didn't want to be on medication forever (and it was making me gain weight and not be able to lose it).  After about 18 months I tried a week without my medicine and found I didn't feel a whole lot different...so I went off of it entirely.  (there is FAR more to this story...just hittin' the highlights today).  I shouldn't have...but pridefully and stubbornly I stayed off of my antidepressant for seven months.  Seven gut wrenching, cry in your bed, obsessively worry, and dream of driving away as far as the road would take you MONTHS.

I didn't want to go back on medicine. ( I don't know why I feel like I have to fight it so viciously, but I do.)  I found Mood Cure.  There could be another way for me to treat this problem without caving to the meds!  This book has SOLID nutritional information.  It makes sense and I was ready to take it on.  I could tell a difference...but I could also tell a difference when I hadn't been following the plan perfectly.  I would be weepier if I'd had some sugar or obsessive if I'd had a glass of wine the night before. 

In the book there is a whole chapter on medicine.  She recommends that if you don't feel better in two weeks, to go back on your medicine.  I did.  I wanted to go the natural route to treat my depression.  But, after crying for an hour in my minivan after getting triggered by an article on Facebook, I knew that it would be best if I continued to follow the Mood Cure plan WITH the addition of my medication (in lieu of my amino acid...you can't mix them...it's dangerous). 

For some that would be some sort of defeat or failure.  For me, it was a recognition that I have something wrong with my biochemistry.  I can do what I can on my end to try to remedy it.  But, I discovered that it wasn't enough.  I need medicine...at least right now.  Maybe when life looks different and I don't have two little children depending on me to be, at least, stable...maybe then I can try to go it alone again.  Now...I swallow my little blue pill and thank God.  Medicine is a kindness...a mercy from the hands of a Father who loves me. 

PS...I haven't had any sugar today!!  Yay for little victories!