Oh, Honey Honey

My poor little body has been sick for the last 24 hours.  Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30AM with symptoms of both a stomach virus AND a head cold.  Needless to say, I spent most of yesterday trying to lay very still as not to disturb my sick tummy or start a coughing fit.  I barely ate or drank anything all day.

One thing I did consume from my "no-no" list was honey.  Honey is an ancient remedy for many illnesses, including both stomach maladies and the common cold.  To maximize the benefit of my honey, I am taking it mixed into Lemon Ginger tea...lemon and ginger are also common folk remedies.  I feel dreadful and will continue taking honey until I feel better.  At this time, I am confident that I am not abusing sugar.  I am USING honey for it's healing power and will stop using it when I am healthy again. 

Here is a link to Whole Foods page on honey http://www.whfoods.com/genpage.php?tname=foodspice&dbid=96

Full disclosure, the mainstream medical community insists that there is not enough research to support all of the claims of honey's healing properties. (Though,  I have had my children "prescribed" honey as a cough suppressant by a young doctor.)  Natural healers swear by it.  Personally, I have experienced relief from hay fever and acute seasonal allergies by using honey.  When I start getting all sniffly, I buy a small jar of local honey and eat it by the spoonful for a few days until it's gone. It works, though by the end I am sick of the taste of honey.  I only have to do it two or three times a year, but it is more effective than taking OTC allergy meds for months on end. 

As far as mental health is concerned, I have never experienced adverse effects of medicinally consuming honey.  Likely, my body knows that I need the remedy and doesn't get freaked out by the extra sugar.  Who knows? 

State of the Struggle Address

It's been almost a month since I began my endeavor to cut out sugar and simple carbs.  I've won some battles and lost some battles with sugar, caffeine, simple carbs, and alcohol.  But, I'm engaged in the war...and that matters!

Some positive new developments:

1. I am not CRAVING sugar nearly as badly as I have in the past.

2. I do not have the same capacity for portions as I have in the past.  I am getting fuller sooner and feeling like I don't have to keep eating. 

3. With the help of diet, vitamins, and medication, I am feeling much better emotionally.  I've leveled off and haven't struggled with rage or obsession for the last few weeks.

4. I am enjoying the fresh and wholesome food I am preparing and so is my family! 


Some things that need work:

1. After work, especially, I still DESIRE and often consume sugar.  I am not CRAVING it, but it's evident that eating (and drinking) sugar has become a habit.

2. Social situations are still a struggle.  I don't want to be the "I'm not eating sugar" girl.  It's off putting to me when people kill my socializing buzz with their diet hangups...I don't want to come across in that light. 

3. I am still in the same spot with my alcohol consumption.  I've stopped drinking at home, but there are a lot of outside opportunities to imbibe.  NOTE: There are no longer margaritas in my life (a sad farewell), so on the sugar front, I feel like that's a win.
     
4. I haven't starting exercising regularly yet.  I need to discipline myself to do it...but without caffeine I've been SO tired, it's been a challenge to get motivated.

I Coulda Had A V8

These last few days have been less than stellar in fighting the good fight against sugar.  I've indulged more times than are prudent.  But, in this slip up, I have good news and bad news and mixed news.

Good News: I went TWO and a HALF entire days without any sugar!  Then..I didn't. But, it seems that since trying to give up sugar I have developed less of a taste for it.  Things that were normally DELICIOUS are now ultra sweet and not enjoyable.  In addition, if something is loaded with preservatives or low quality ingredients, it just tastes putrid on my palate.  Of the times I gave into sugar, only two items were worth it.

Bad News: TWO items were worth it.  First, I ate a high quality designer cupcake and it was delightful.  I only had 1/2 of one (and thank God that's all I could handle).  Secondly, I drank a Coke.  It made me happy.  I expected it to be too sweet or the caffeine to get me all hopped up.  Neither thing was true.

Mixed News:  I don't feel great today.  I've been a little agitated...not quite anxious...but certainly on edge.  I also keep asking my husband if he's mad at me.  He continues to say no (and get kind of irritated that I keep asking.)  With my special cocktail of depression and anxiety, feeling like I am unworthy and unlovable are common filters through which I interpret relationships.

The reason this is "mixed" news and not "bad" news may not seem clear.  However, for me, feeling markedly worse when eating sugar is a powerful deterrent.  Yes, I overindulged...but it wasn't really worth the price I had to pay.  In the wisdom that comes with experience, I am FAR less likely to bear the cost in the future.

No Day Like Today

On the journey of cutting out sugar (and battling depression), I am discovering this: I can only deal with today.   There is a reason why "one day at a time" is a pervasive theme in 12 Step Programs.  It is rooted in Truth.  The Word of God tells us not to be concerned with tomorrow...but take care of today...tomorrow will worry about itself (Matt 6:34).  I heard a saying this winter..."depression is living in the past and anxiety is living in the future". For my set of life circumstances, that is 1000% accurate.

I am BAD at today.  Planning is a GOOD thing that, when done properly, saves time and energy and money.  I OBSESSIVELY plan.  I enjoy lists...not just Today's To Do list...but year long To Do lists.  I like to have a plan...a 5 year plan  I am driven to anxiously worry about tomorrow under the guise of having a "plan". 

I find myself losing sight of Today in two ways.  First, I get so wrapped up in planning for Tomorrow that I just let Today zoom by as I check of my list of tasks...only to make a new one.  The moments are cataloged and categorized and not really lived.  If the list doesn't get accomplished, I slip into disappointment with myself and subsequently depression.

Secondly, ask me how much of my 5 year plans ACTUALLY get accomplished.  Yeah, about 25%...MAYBE.  It's not that I am not a driven woman or that I lack ambition to "go for my dreams".  It's just not the path that God has led me down.  The path I am on wasn't what I planned.  Is it good?  YES!  Just...not what I planned. 

As a young adult, I had a dream for my life that, as it turns out, did not really fit with my personality, my preferences, or my abilities.  Instead of recognizing that I needed to tweak the plan to suit ME, I just kept beating myself up for not living up to some self imposed, ill-fitting standard of who I was supposed to be.

So as I take this year to "get better", I have to discipline my mind to stop obsessing about what I did Yesterday.  When I start to mentally berate myself for eating a bowl of Lucky Charms last night, I have to literally STOP the thought.  Once it's stopped I can evaluate WHY I made that choice Yesterday and be aware of that stumbling block Today. 

When I find myself obsessively trying to plan out how I can manage Easter dinner (which is TWO months away) without overloading on carbs and sugar, I have to STOP the thought.  Once it is stopped I can remind myself that Easter is a LONG way away and what I really need to do is choose what I am going to eat for lunch Today.

Cheater Cheater Zoloft Eater

It has been two weeks since beginning The Mood Cure plan.  I found the book when I was looking for reasons for my panic attacks (since the stress from my life wasn't matching my physical response).  While the panic attacks have subsided, I still find myself dealing with my depression.

Depression is a malady that I have fought against for a long while.  I've probably been slightly depressed since early childhood.  I bucked against a diagnosis of clinical depression in college and plowed through into early adulthood...then the babies came.  Post-partum depression hit me like a freight train when I had my first child. Yet, STILL I just thought that if I worked hard enough and kept trucking through I'd feel better eventually...I didn't really.  I was just used to feeling sad, guilty, paranoid, obsessed, and powerless.

After my second son was born, I found myself steeped in another episode of PPD.  This time I decided to tell my doctor at my 6 week check up.  She didn't hesitate to write me a prescription for Zoloft.  In addition I was to find a counselor to talk to while on my medication.

OH MY GOODNESS!  The difference was wonderful!  I wasn't floating on some golden cloud of perpetual happiness...but I felt BETTER.  SO MUCH BETTER!  I saw a therapist for the first 6 months and that was so valuable.  But, time went on.  I didn't want to be on medication forever (and it was making me gain weight and not be able to lose it).  After about 18 months I tried a week without my medicine and found I didn't feel a whole lot different...so I went off of it entirely.  (there is FAR more to this story...just hittin' the highlights today).  I shouldn't have...but pridefully and stubbornly I stayed off of my antidepressant for seven months.  Seven gut wrenching, cry in your bed, obsessively worry, and dream of driving away as far as the road would take you MONTHS.

I didn't want to go back on medicine. ( I don't know why I feel like I have to fight it so viciously, but I do.)  I found Mood Cure.  There could be another way for me to treat this problem without caving to the meds!  This book has SOLID nutritional information.  It makes sense and I was ready to take it on.  I could tell a difference...but I could also tell a difference when I hadn't been following the plan perfectly.  I would be weepier if I'd had some sugar or obsessive if I'd had a glass of wine the night before. 

In the book there is a whole chapter on medicine.  She recommends that if you don't feel better in two weeks, to go back on your medicine.  I did.  I wanted to go the natural route to treat my depression.  But, after crying for an hour in my minivan after getting triggered by an article on Facebook, I knew that it would be best if I continued to follow the Mood Cure plan WITH the addition of my medication (in lieu of my amino acid...you can't mix them...it's dangerous). 

For some that would be some sort of defeat or failure.  For me, it was a recognition that I have something wrong with my biochemistry.  I can do what I can on my end to try to remedy it.  But, I discovered that it wasn't enough.  I need medicine...at least right now.  Maybe when life looks different and I don't have two little children depending on me to be, at least, stable...maybe then I can try to go it alone again.  Now...I swallow my little blue pill and thank God.  Medicine is a kindness...a mercy from the hands of a Father who loves me. 

PS...I haven't had any sugar today!!  Yay for little victories!

I Have Met My Enemy...Naptime

I continue to have an intense sugar craving right after lunch.  It's lasting until I take one of my supplements at 3:00.  The time between lunch and 3:00 also happens to be nap time for my two year old.  Whether this craving is biological or habitual remains to be seen.  What is clearly evident is that it is one of the biggest obstacles for me to climb over each week day I am at home (I work 2 days a week).  My willpower lasted 2 hours yesterday.  Then...well..it didn't. 

A few things will come into play in the next week. 

1. Nap time projects will resume.  I have a list longer than my arm of rooms that need to be painted and curtains that need to be sewn.  Right after the toddler goes down for a nap...I start my project.  I work until about 20 minutes before the kiddo wakes up.  Then I clean up and move on with the day.  It's hard to binge eat sugar when you are busy and your hands are covered in paint.

2. On days when I am not doing projects I plan to exercise for at least 30 minutes.  I did a Jillian Micheals Wii training today.  It was good.  It kept me busy and I got some good brain chemistry mojo from working out.

All that to say...in the day to day...Nap time is my nemesis.  I have to be strategic and smart about how I approach this time of day.

Powering Through

After lunch today I was overwhelmed with an intense sugar craving.  For a moment I was considering giving in with a small amount of sugar.  Then, as I was considering what to eat, nothing really sounded good.  So, I decided to try to power through.  Not 10 minutes later it had passed.  A small victory, but I'll take it!

Progress Not Perfection

This is kind of my new life mantra...not just regarding sugar. 

I have ALWAYS struggled against perfectionism.  Even when I was a teenager I had issues with condemning myself for failing to meet whatever standard I set for myself.  In high school I competed in Forensics.  Though I medaled almost every time, I still felt like I didn't perform as well as I could have.  My junior year of high school I took my ACT test and received a 28.  It's above average, but not as high as I KNEW I could reach.  I tested again and actually got a LOWER score...that killed me.

This foible followed me into college where I spent the majority of my life in a deep, nasty depression.  I was ultra competitive in my major, which was elementary education.  Imagine how twisted your perfectionism has to be when you get upset that your bulletin board was not as awesome as the person before you (at least to me...I think I still got an A).

In adulthood perfectionism has flavored my friendships, dating relationships, career, parenting, housekeeping, marriage, and most vitally, my relationship with God. The thing with perfectionism is that it doesn't drive me to try harder.  Every time I am faced with "failure", I just get depressed and stop trying.  Then I feel worse because now I am a failure AND a quitter.  It's a gross cycle.

As I mentioned in a earlier post, 2012 was a very trying year.  I was knocked on my ass and my perfectionism was shattered into a billion tiny little pieces that I can never hope to recover.  That fact had me in the worst mental state I have been in as an adult.  It's been rough.  But as I process through the pain and feelings of utter failure I have discovered something that (it seems) most everyone else knows.  I will NEVER be perfect...not until I am glorified with God at the end of my life at least. 

I struggle with grace.  Sometimes, though, you find yourself in a place where if you don't accept your grace and mercy, it's going to make you give up in profound and devastating ways.  I have a faith in Jesus Christ.  I didn't pick Him...He picked me.  Not because I am awesome or flawless or perfect, but likely because I am NOT any of those things and He just loves me because He does.

This truth has been liberally applied to my life in the last few months.  I am always going to struggle, I imagine...thus the mantra "progress not perfection".   It helps me remember that I am in process..I am on a journey and as long as I am heading in the right direction, it's going to be OK.

This week I "failed" many times at avoiding sugar.  But, instead of beating myself up and getting discouraged, I just remembered that even the small sugar mud puddles that I found myself splashing through were NOTHING compared to the deep sugar pits I have eaten through.  For instance, I had ice cream with my friend yesterday...but I got the smallest one.  Today I ate my mother in laws AMAZING pecan pie...but I took a thumb sized slice instead a palm sized slice.  Though I "failed" to abstain entirely, I was making a conscious choice to do better. 

I don't feel depressed about falling short. I am not planning on throwing in the towel and quitting.  Instead, I am going to plug away, taking each battle as it comes.  Some days I will be victorious and feel amazed at my own self control.  Other days aren't going to be so glorious...but they are going to be better. 

Progress Not Perfection

Tear In My Beer?

In the plan I am following (as well as LOTS of other sources) it is recommended to skip alcoholic beverages.  Alcohol is a depressant.  So, there's that.  But it also blocks serotonin function, has lots of sugar, and can cause dehydration...a perfect storm for anxiety and depression to come rushing in.

Those who know me personally know that I do not have a "problem" with alcohol.  When I drink I have one maybe two drinks.  I believe in moderation when it come to alcohol and I practice it.  The problem I have is that I am a social drinker.  I drink a margarita with my neighborhood mommies.  I order wine at dinner.  I have a beer at my parents house.  I partake of the porch party cocktail.

This time of year I find myself in lots of social situations where there is alcohol.  I haven't been able to decline yet.  It's not that I NEED alcohol to have fun...I most assuredly do not.  But, for me it's just a fun little treat to be able to have a beverage and I feel less like an outlier.

Generally, I don't see a marked difference in my depression or anxiety when I've had a drink.  I see the biggest impact when I have too many days in a week where I have been drinking.  Let's say I have a mommies night out, a BBQ, and hang out at my parents all in the same week.  For a few days afterward, I see a HUGE difference in my mental health.  I am more sensitive, more paranoid, lonelier, and sadder for a little while (even though NOTHING has changed about my life).

Additionally, I have noticed that the type of alcohol I drink matters.  Beer has almost no effect on me.  I never feel tipsy and I don't get as much kickback mentally as I do with wine or cocktails.  (I like to think of it as the drink of my people...I have a big German and Irish heritage.)

I guess I am still figuring out how alcohol will function in my life...when, where, what kind, etc.  If I am being honest, I am surprised that this is so tricky for me.   

Sweet and Sour

Through my Google research I discovered why I NEED sugar...particularly in the afternoon. 

It is commonly known that our body takes a dip in many hormones and in blood sugar in late afternoon.  For me the time when I most CRAVE sugar is between lunch and dinner...the AFTERNOON. 

Eating sweets gives me a short spike in blood sugar (and serotonin according to Mood Cure). It soothes me and bumps me up to where I feel comfortable again. The thing with simple sugar is that though I get that rush, it falls FAST. This fall releases my stress hormones and makes my body alert and ready to handle the stressor. While a lot of people eat sugar to cope with stress, their stressors are not something that can be handled by a quick fight or flight type response.  Because there is no bear to fight or no battle to flee, I just end up irritable, angry, sensitive and very tired. I had become so accustomed to feeling that I never tied it to eating sugar or simple carbs.

Well, I am trying to wean off of sugar now.  So to help me over my little afternoon slump, I have put the following things into place...

1. I eat a snack that has a mix of protein, fat, and complex carbs...today I will have an apple with little slices of cheddar on it.

2. I take my amino acid.

3. I brew a cup of chamomile tea...which has been used medicinally for centuries...but might raise feel-good chemicals in the brain called dopamine...worth a shot right?

Some afternoons I am still irritable and easily stressed...it's still a process.  I am, however, happy that I at least have a game plan. 


NOTE: I am giving anecdotal information...I am not a doctor...this is NOT medical advice.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/273839-foods-that-trigger-anxiety/

At It Again

As many of you know, 2 years ago I gave up sweetness for Lent.  I learned a lot from that process. 

Then 2012 happened.  We had some HARD and unpleasant life circumstances.  I spent the majority of the year in adrenaline/survival mode or steeped in depression. I swiftly forgot about avoiding sweetness and got back into the habit of eatin' me some shug-uh. 

By Fall, things had settled down and we were in a much better place. However, in December I noticed I was having minor panic attacks nearly every day.  Since our life was far less stressful, I was confused.  True to myself, I Googled "panic attacks with no reason" and found some interesting information. 

Did you know that anxiety can be caused or exacerbated by DIET?  Yeah, neither did I!  I kept finding page after page of reliable information saying that people who have depression and anxiety should avoid caffeine, sugar, alcohol, and processed flour.  They apparently trick your blood into thinking it's under stress and so it kicks into adrenal mode and just throws everything out of whack.

I eventually found a book call "The Mood Cure" that not only told what to avoid, it gave recommendations for what to replace those things with and some simple supplements that can restore natural brain chemistry. 

The first thing I did was to wean myself off of caffeine.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE coffee with my heart.  I love everything about it from fragrance to flavor to that little shot of energy.  Instead of cutting it out, I replaced it with a good quality (read organic Swiss water) decaf.  Praise God, Costco carries it so it's not hard to get or expensive! Because I weaned myself off of it throughout the month, I didn't have much difficulty. 

After Christmas I began to take my little cocktail of vitamins and amino acids.  Then after New Year I committed to begin to wean myself off of sugar and white flour.  I decided (today) to chronicle this journey to good mental health on this blog.  Join me as I am gut wrenchingly honest about how it feels to cut out sugar and flour from an American diet.