It's been 8 days since I got serious about my diet. I've been (nearly) grain free, dairy free, sugar free and caffeine free. I am proud of that. The first few days were TORTURE! Then, it began to get easier.
I can attribute much of my success to accountability. My friend has been tough on me. I need that. She's not berating me or being unkind, she's just making sure I am staying on track. There have been a few hiccups in following the plan and she has helped me navigate them in a way that honors both my desire follow my diet and allows for imperfection. (My 5 year old son has also been good about keeping me honest.)
Depression-wise there is some difference. I was triggered by an event last week. Usually, I would be obsessing and berating myself endlessly for days. This time that aspect of my depression only lasted a few hours at a time (it still went on for a few days, but wasn't constant and pervasive). That's progress.
I am still frequently struggling with irritability and anger. More than anything I can assume that has to do with the snowstorm last weekend trapping us in the house. I've also not worked for two weeks because of Spring Break. Sometimes circumstances just stack against us, despite our best efforts. The little slips of irritability and anger aren't lasting as long as they have in the past either. That's progress.
Weight loss-wise I have lost 1 pound. I was pretty disappointed by that number. But, 1 is better than none. I haven't been limiting my calories. Knowing myself, I thought it best to get used to not eating grains/dairy/sugar before getting really restrictive with a calorie count. On April 1st I will begin to count calories. I've joined a DietBet. We've challenged ourselves to lose 4% of our body weight by the end of April. The pot is over $100! Hopefully that will be the push I need to not only follow my diet, but reign it in with a specific calorie amount.
So, that's where I am...slowly making progress.
Life Less Sweet: Documentation of my struggle with depression and anxiety.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Easter Feaster
Contrary to recent weather, Spring is upon us! With Spring comes Easter. For our family it is a spiritually meaningful holiday. The church we attend is very intentional about creating an attitude of mourning and weightiness on Good Friday. Remembering Jesus's sacrifice makes us remember why He had to die. He died because I can't be perfect, even if I try, and that offends the heart of God. He put Himself in my place, as a substitute for God's wrath. Reflecting on that can be kind of intense.
On Easter, however, we stop mourning and start rejoicing! God has created a sacrifice so perfect that it has defeated sin and death. Because of it we can know God and we can be adopted as His sons and daughters.
In the spirit of rejoicing, I want to talk about my diet. On Easter, I do not intend to follow the guidelines of my restrictive diet. I truly believe there are times when feasting is appropriate and necessary. Easter is one of those times for me.
My family is a little non-traditional with regard to menu. In the past I have, in jest, called Easter "Carb Fest". We don't have the American standard ham and scalloped potatoes. Instead we celebrate Easter with the food of our ancestors. Yes, we eat SCHNITZEL!
At the Easter table there will be jagerschnitzel, spaetzle (a tiny dumpling, kind of gnocchi-ish), German potato salad, and brochen (a hard roll). Additionally, I will be making a dark chocolate, coconut cheesecake. See...Carb Fest! It will be delicious and I will enjoy it without guilt because, sometimes, we need to feast.
On Easter, however, we stop mourning and start rejoicing! God has created a sacrifice so perfect that it has defeated sin and death. Because of it we can know God and we can be adopted as His sons and daughters.
In the spirit of rejoicing, I want to talk about my diet. On Easter, I do not intend to follow the guidelines of my restrictive diet. I truly believe there are times when feasting is appropriate and necessary. Easter is one of those times for me.
My family is a little non-traditional with regard to menu. In the past I have, in jest, called Easter "Carb Fest". We don't have the American standard ham and scalloped potatoes. Instead we celebrate Easter with the food of our ancestors. Yes, we eat SCHNITZEL!
At the Easter table there will be jagerschnitzel, spaetzle (a tiny dumpling, kind of gnocchi-ish), German potato salad, and brochen (a hard roll). Additionally, I will be making a dark chocolate, coconut cheesecake. See...Carb Fest! It will be delicious and I will enjoy it without guilt because, sometimes, we need to feast.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Oh, Snow!
I am on day 5 of no sugar-no grain-no dairy. Yesterday I felt great! Today I woke up with a gnawing hunger and sadly, protein just sounded DREADFUL. I didn't want eggs or a smoothie...I wanted pancakes or French Toast or some other carb-tastic delight. In the spirit of staying on track, I dutifully made myself some eggs.
To add to the challenge, there is 6-8 inches of new snow on the ground this morning. This means my family and I will be home all day with nothing to do but watch movies and eat. I want hot cocoa and cookies. I want to make (and eat) snow ice cream with my boys. Instead I will be comforted by a protein smoothie...mmmmm protein. As for a warm, comforting dinner, after I finish this post, I am going to search the interwebs for Thai coconut curry soup recipes. Curry is like a hug for my soul.
To add to the challenge, there is 6-8 inches of new snow on the ground this morning. This means my family and I will be home all day with nothing to do but watch movies and eat. I want hot cocoa and cookies. I want to make (and eat) snow ice cream with my boys. Instead I will be comforted by a protein smoothie...mmmmm protein. As for a warm, comforting dinner, after I finish this post, I am going to search the interwebs for Thai coconut curry soup recipes. Curry is like a hug for my soul.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Nerd Alert: Serotonin
If you know me personally, you are aware that I completely geek out about biology. The human body is FASCINATING to me!! When I was trying to get pregnant I gained a ludicrous amount of knowledge about fertility. During pregnancy, I studied up on every biological facet of gestation, birth, and lactation. (But, trust me when I say that, sometimes, ignorance is bliss.)
Biology is fun for me! So when I got my hands on The Mood Cure (I promise I am not selling this book), I was totally taken in by the user friendly information about human biochemistry. There is a ton of information about hormones, neurotransmitters, and amino acids and how they function within the body to keep it healthy AND happy. What made this knowledge more interesting was that the author of the book tied most of the information to diet. For MY brain issue, this was particularly pertinent.
There is a neurotransmitter called serotonin that is thought to be responsible for mood regulation. I have a serotonin deficiency, which is a biochemical cause for depression. Some studies suggest that 80-90% of serotonin lives in the GI tract. This happy neurotransmitter doesn't live in your brain...it lives in your GUTS my friends! It, therefore, makes sense that a change in diet would mean a change in mental health.
There are a TON of factors in our diets that can possibly influence our serotonin production...I'll get to those a different day. Until that day comes, here are some links so YOU too can geek out about the biochemistry of serotonin!
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=gut-second-brain
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3272651/
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/06/120612115812.htm
Biology is fun for me! So when I got my hands on The Mood Cure (I promise I am not selling this book), I was totally taken in by the user friendly information about human biochemistry. There is a ton of information about hormones, neurotransmitters, and amino acids and how they function within the body to keep it healthy AND happy. What made this knowledge more interesting was that the author of the book tied most of the information to diet. For MY brain issue, this was particularly pertinent.
There is a neurotransmitter called serotonin that is thought to be responsible for mood regulation. I have a serotonin deficiency, which is a biochemical cause for depression. Some studies suggest that 80-90% of serotonin lives in the GI tract. This happy neurotransmitter doesn't live in your brain...it lives in your GUTS my friends! It, therefore, makes sense that a change in diet would mean a change in mental health.
There are a TON of factors in our diets that can possibly influence our serotonin production...I'll get to those a different day. Until that day comes, here are some links so YOU too can geek out about the biochemistry of serotonin!
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=gut-second-brain
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3272651/
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/06/120612115812.htm
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Battlefield
I am SOOOOO hungry. There are still 30 minutes until dinner time...I CAN make it. I don't wanna make it...but I WILL. My diet has provided an appropriate amount of calories today...so my body is not really in need of anything. However, grains and dairy were not on the menu today and my stomach is throwing a pouty little fit.
Earlier this year, I cut back on sugar and eliminated caffeine without any "pain". Grain and dairy are my favorite favorite food groups though. Being "full" from protein and vegetables isn't as emotionally satisfying for me.
I am in agony! Please believe me when I say that this feels like withdrawal. I am jittery and on edge. To make it through I am trying to stay distracted. I also brewed some chamomile tea (yay for dopamine). More than anything, I am just getting though by sheer force.
NOTE: it's been 30 minutes since I began writing this post...II made it through! Now I'm gonna go eat dinner!
Earlier this year, I cut back on sugar and eliminated caffeine without any "pain". Grain and dairy are my favorite favorite food groups though. Being "full" from protein and vegetables isn't as emotionally satisfying for me.
I am in agony! Please believe me when I say that this feels like withdrawal. I am jittery and on edge. To make it through I am trying to stay distracted. I also brewed some chamomile tea (yay for dopamine). More than anything, I am just getting though by sheer force.
NOTE: it's been 30 minutes since I began writing this post...II made it through! Now I'm gonna go eat dinner!
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Help
Slacking on a diet is an easy thing to do. (Especially if it's not New Year anymore!)
It would be delightful if I could eat whatever I wanted...but my biology won't have it. I am also fairly sure that my antidepressant is either causing me to gain weight or making it harder to lose weight. At this time, I am not willing to go off of my medicine again. Therefore, I just have to be very careful about what I eat...and once again I have to stare into the face of a very restrictive diet.
The Mood Cure Diet (and really MOST whole food diets) recommends a diet rich in protein, healthy fats, vegetables, and water. During the beginning, they advise you to restrict dairy and grains to test for food intolerance. You can add them back in slowly and watch for adverse reactions. Caffeine, sugar/sugar substitutes, and alcohol are prohibited; high carb vegetables, fruit, and grains are limited. It's kind of Paleo/South Beach/Candida diet-y.
In the three months that I have been attempting to follow this diet, I've discovered that it's hard! Cheats start small and then suddenly, there I am eating and drinking whatever I want and feeling fatigued and heavier than ever. To combat my backsliding ways, I have enlisted the help of a friend to keep me accountable. I've asked her to be strict about checking in with me. I truly hope she will help keep me in line.
Again, I want to reiterate that following this diet is PRIMARILY geared toward improving my mental health. The weight is a symptom of my body chemistry being unbalanced. I want to FEEL better. If it takes a "village" to help me, so be it!
NOTE: I stayed sugar free yesterday. Today I not only stayed sugar free, but I followed the guidelines for protein, carb, and water intake. That felt great!
It would be delightful if I could eat whatever I wanted...but my biology won't have it. I am also fairly sure that my antidepressant is either causing me to gain weight or making it harder to lose weight. At this time, I am not willing to go off of my medicine again. Therefore, I just have to be very careful about what I eat...and once again I have to stare into the face of a very restrictive diet.
The Mood Cure Diet (and really MOST whole food diets) recommends a diet rich in protein, healthy fats, vegetables, and water. During the beginning, they advise you to restrict dairy and grains to test for food intolerance. You can add them back in slowly and watch for adverse reactions. Caffeine, sugar/sugar substitutes, and alcohol are prohibited; high carb vegetables, fruit, and grains are limited. It's kind of Paleo/South Beach/Candida diet-y.
In the three months that I have been attempting to follow this diet, I've discovered that it's hard! Cheats start small and then suddenly, there I am eating and drinking whatever I want and feeling fatigued and heavier than ever. To combat my backsliding ways, I have enlisted the help of a friend to keep me accountable. I've asked her to be strict about checking in with me. I truly hope she will help keep me in line.
Again, I want to reiterate that following this diet is PRIMARILY geared toward improving my mental health. The weight is a symptom of my body chemistry being unbalanced. I want to FEEL better. If it takes a "village" to help me, so be it!
NOTE: I stayed sugar free yesterday. Today I not only stayed sugar free, but I followed the guidelines for protein, carb, and water intake. That felt great!
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Broken
Sometimes things don't turn out the way we thought they would...boyfriends break up with you...jobs end...weekend DIY projects turn into phenomenally expensive professional ventures...everyone has examples of things that didn't go they way they were supposed to. Most of the time, however, things end up being just fine. Occasionally they end up better than before.
I've alluded to the fact that my life did not turn out the way I planned it. I was going to change the world and make it a better place! I was going to be an important contribution! While that may sound like the naive dreams of a young woman, I was honestly set up to do that. My education, my extracurricular activities, my leadership opportunities, my drive, and my passion were all geared toward that end. The "life verse" that was bestowed upon me by my father was "to whom much is given, much is required" (Luke 12:48b)
So I set out as a young adult with that life purpose in mind. But, at every turn, I had the rug pulled out from under me. I took a job at an inner city middle school...I lasted three years before I had to throw in the towel and admit defeat. I had babies...I was literally faced with failure from the first hour. We moved to the heart of the city...but now I had two little children and no time or energy to give back to my city. We took foster children for 8 months...but it was so gut wrenchingly difficult that we decided to never, ever do it again. It seems like every time I go out to prove to the world that I can take on a challenge, I fall embarrassingly short.
There is a concept in Christianity called "brokenness". I've always understood it as an antithesis of self centeredness. If my heart is "broken", I will not quarrel with God or be worried when faced with the peril of a challenging situation. If my heart is "broken" I will not hesitate to sacrifice my body and desires so that I can do hard things for others on God's behalf. But, in the last year, I've come to a new understanding of "brokenness".
Maybe, for me, it's accepting that the life I have been given is smaller than I thought it would be. I thought I would be an important player in the betterment of the world. Really, I just have this husband, these sons, and this house entrusted to me. This is my world and I DO have influence here.
Being broken might mean having the humility to say "this is too hard, I can't do it." Accepting my limitations IS dying to my selfishness. I want to do hard things, I want YOU to KNOW I can do hard things, but I am truly incapable of taking some types of challenges.
Being broken might mean making decisions based on what is best for me and my family...whether or not it fits into YOUR idea of what is best...and asking you to love me anyway.
Being broken might be admitting that what I have to give to God (and others) is upsettingly less than I thought it was...but trusting that He loves me and always will.
I've alluded to the fact that my life did not turn out the way I planned it. I was going to change the world and make it a better place! I was going to be an important contribution! While that may sound like the naive dreams of a young woman, I was honestly set up to do that. My education, my extracurricular activities, my leadership opportunities, my drive, and my passion were all geared toward that end. The "life verse" that was bestowed upon me by my father was "to whom much is given, much is required" (Luke 12:48b)
So I set out as a young adult with that life purpose in mind. But, at every turn, I had the rug pulled out from under me. I took a job at an inner city middle school...I lasted three years before I had to throw in the towel and admit defeat. I had babies...I was literally faced with failure from the first hour. We moved to the heart of the city...but now I had two little children and no time or energy to give back to my city. We took foster children for 8 months...but it was so gut wrenchingly difficult that we decided to never, ever do it again. It seems like every time I go out to prove to the world that I can take on a challenge, I fall embarrassingly short.
There is a concept in Christianity called "brokenness". I've always understood it as an antithesis of self centeredness. If my heart is "broken", I will not quarrel with God or be worried when faced with the peril of a challenging situation. If my heart is "broken" I will not hesitate to sacrifice my body and desires so that I can do hard things for others on God's behalf. But, in the last year, I've come to a new understanding of "brokenness".
Maybe, for me, it's accepting that the life I have been given is smaller than I thought it would be. I thought I would be an important player in the betterment of the world. Really, I just have this husband, these sons, and this house entrusted to me. This is my world and I DO have influence here.
Being broken might mean having the humility to say "this is too hard, I can't do it." Accepting my limitations IS dying to my selfishness. I want to do hard things, I want YOU to KNOW I can do hard things, but I am truly incapable of taking some types of challenges.
Being broken might mean making decisions based on what is best for me and my family...whether or not it fits into YOUR idea of what is best...and asking you to love me anyway.
Being broken might be admitting that what I have to give to God (and others) is upsettingly less than I thought it was...but trusting that He loves me and always will.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
A Big Decision
A few weeks ago I wrote about being a stay at home mom (SAHM). It was pretty clear from that post that this lifestyle is not fulfilling to me.
When I am not being a homemaker, for two days a week, I am a substitute teacher. My husband and I have made a decision to add more days to my schedule next school year. I will double my workload. My youngest (who will be almost 3 in the fall) will go to preschool two days a week and continue to go with his Nana the other two days.
While I am excited and at peace with this choice, I feel a little like a traitor. I can afford to stay home with my children full time. Going back to work is not a financial decision...it's a mental health decision. For some, that might look like I am spitting in the face of a blessing. It's just that, in the end, I can't care what "some" say. I'm hurting and I truly feel like being out of my home will help.
We have established that I have depression. It is exacerbated by my diet. It is exacerbated by my lack of exercise. And frankly, the most glaring contributing factors come from my vocation.
First, we already talked about the endlessness. I NEED to achieve. It isn't sin that I want to accomplish things. It's not sin that I want to see some sort of finished product. It's part of the way I was created and denying it for 6 years has caused distress.
Also, I am bored. A nerd by nature, I am bored with the mundane aspects of staying home. According to many a book dedicated to the pursuit of mothering, finding joy in the mundane is a blessing. God hasn't allowed me to enjoy that. Cooking and cleaning do not challenge my mind. It is left to over process, over analyze, and obsess about innumerable things.
Finally, I am a people person (an extrovert, if you will). I love to talk and connect and laugh and cry with other people. While I have found some connections as a SAHM, for the majority of my day I am ALONE. ALL ALONE. Loneliness is crushing for an extrovert and has previously been a trigger for my worst bouts of depression. If I am honest, my favorite part of mothering is relating to my kids. I love teaching and training. I enjoy the crazy conversations that my smarty pants 5 year old creates. I love exposing my kiddos (in age appropriate ways) to the world around them. I love the PEOPLE that they are. Those are the things that are fulfilling to me. I don't have to be home full time to do that with them.
I understand that when I return to work, I will still have to take care of my household. But, doing it as a full time job just isn't working out. I am choosing to continue as a substitute teacher because it is flexible. If my kids are sick, I don't have to work. When there is a field trip or a school party, I can take that time off with no consequence (well, I don't get paid, but...). I will have winter break, spring break, and summers off. I still get to be with my little people. It is a job that I can go to and leave with little attachment. I get to use my degree. I get to engage my brain. I get to be with people. I get to feel like I've finished something.
Not everyone will agree with my decision. But, it's not theirs to make. If you are happy to be a SAHM, wonderful! I am truly glad for you. If you think that the sacrifice is worth it, then do that! I have just come to the place where I see that it is contributing to my depression. I've done it for 6 years. It's never been easy. I tried to stick it out. After this last year and all of the hurt and confusion and disappoinment that came with it, I am just no longer convinced that I HAVE to stick it out in order to glorify God and care for my family.
When I am not being a homemaker, for two days a week, I am a substitute teacher. My husband and I have made a decision to add more days to my schedule next school year. I will double my workload. My youngest (who will be almost 3 in the fall) will go to preschool two days a week and continue to go with his Nana the other two days.
While I am excited and at peace with this choice, I feel a little like a traitor. I can afford to stay home with my children full time. Going back to work is not a financial decision...it's a mental health decision. For some, that might look like I am spitting in the face of a blessing. It's just that, in the end, I can't care what "some" say. I'm hurting and I truly feel like being out of my home will help.
We have established that I have depression. It is exacerbated by my diet. It is exacerbated by my lack of exercise. And frankly, the most glaring contributing factors come from my vocation.
First, we already talked about the endlessness. I NEED to achieve. It isn't sin that I want to accomplish things. It's not sin that I want to see some sort of finished product. It's part of the way I was created and denying it for 6 years has caused distress.
Also, I am bored. A nerd by nature, I am bored with the mundane aspects of staying home. According to many a book dedicated to the pursuit of mothering, finding joy in the mundane is a blessing. God hasn't allowed me to enjoy that. Cooking and cleaning do not challenge my mind. It is left to over process, over analyze, and obsess about innumerable things.
Finally, I am a people person (an extrovert, if you will). I love to talk and connect and laugh and cry with other people. While I have found some connections as a SAHM, for the majority of my day I am ALONE. ALL ALONE. Loneliness is crushing for an extrovert and has previously been a trigger for my worst bouts of depression. If I am honest, my favorite part of mothering is relating to my kids. I love teaching and training. I enjoy the crazy conversations that my smarty pants 5 year old creates. I love exposing my kiddos (in age appropriate ways) to the world around them. I love the PEOPLE that they are. Those are the things that are fulfilling to me. I don't have to be home full time to do that with them.
I understand that when I return to work, I will still have to take care of my household. But, doing it as a full time job just isn't working out. I am choosing to continue as a substitute teacher because it is flexible. If my kids are sick, I don't have to work. When there is a field trip or a school party, I can take that time off with no consequence (well, I don't get paid, but...). I will have winter break, spring break, and summers off. I still get to be with my little people. It is a job that I can go to and leave with little attachment. I get to use my degree. I get to engage my brain. I get to be with people. I get to feel like I've finished something.
Not everyone will agree with my decision. But, it's not theirs to make. If you are happy to be a SAHM, wonderful! I am truly glad for you. If you think that the sacrifice is worth it, then do that! I have just come to the place where I see that it is contributing to my depression. I've done it for 6 years. It's never been easy. I tried to stick it out. After this last year and all of the hurt and confusion and disappoinment that came with it, I am just no longer convinced that I HAVE to stick it out in order to glorify God and care for my family.
Progress, Perfection, and Potty Training
My 28 month old son has decided that he's ready to potty train. I did NOT chose to try to potty train him, this is ALL his idea. He begged for big boy underwear and has watched Elmo's Potty Time DVD 3 times in a row this morning.
I continually asked him throughout the morning if he needed to "go". He stayed dry for about an hour and a half...which isn't too bad for a first day. Then, in the course of 20 minutes I cleaned poop off of my carpet and pee from under the microwave stand (he helped with this one...if you make a mess, you clean it up...that's one of our family mantras).
With the pooping incident, he made it to the potty chair to begin to do his business...then, in his excitement, got up and finished on the carpet. He was SO proud of himself! He shouted, "I poop on the potty mommy! I'm a good job!" I was peeved about cleaning poop from my carpet (and subsequently, my SHOE)...on many levels. But, seeing him so proud, my anger melted away and I just helped him celebrate his little partial victory.
I CHOSE to accept this situation as progress. Could I be angry and demand perfection from my two year old? I could...and I did with my first son. Will it do any good? Nope, until I chilled out, my first son didn't submit to the "potty train". I'll probably still get irritated when he has nasty accidents, I AM a human being, after all. There is, however, a difference between getting irritated by a yucky mess and angrily condemning my toddler for FAILING! Because, the secret is, that it's going to play out the way it plays out. The only thing I can control is my attitude.
.
I continually asked him throughout the morning if he needed to "go". He stayed dry for about an hour and a half...which isn't too bad for a first day. Then, in the course of 20 minutes I cleaned poop off of my carpet and pee from under the microwave stand (he helped with this one...if you make a mess, you clean it up...that's one of our family mantras).
With the pooping incident, he made it to the potty chair to begin to do his business...then, in his excitement, got up and finished on the carpet. He was SO proud of himself! He shouted, "I poop on the potty mommy! I'm a good job!" I was peeved about cleaning poop from my carpet (and subsequently, my SHOE)...on many levels. But, seeing him so proud, my anger melted away and I just helped him celebrate his little partial victory.
I CHOSE to accept this situation as progress. Could I be angry and demand perfection from my two year old? I could...and I did with my first son. Will it do any good? Nope, until I chilled out, my first son didn't submit to the "potty train". I'll probably still get irritated when he has nasty accidents, I AM a human being, after all. There is, however, a difference between getting irritated by a yucky mess and angrily condemning my toddler for FAILING! Because, the secret is, that it's going to play out the way it plays out. The only thing I can control is my attitude.
.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Problem With Drinking (H20)
I read an article yesterday about a man who lost 300lbs. He did a wonderful job! At the end of the piece, he gave some tips on how he did it. Of course eating less, eating healthier, and exercise were on the list. But there was one on there that, I have a strong suspicion, is something that will be life altering for me...WATER.
The author of the article said that he drinks 2 gallons of water a day. 2!!! That sounds like a crazy number. What a weirdo right! BUT, looks like I need to take heed. Why?
When I was pregnant with both of my sons I LOST weight. LOST. With my first son, I "gained" 30 lbs. After I delivered a 10lb 6oz baby and whatnot, I ended up weighing about 15 lbs less than I did before I got pregnant. Unheard of generally. The ONLY changes I made to my diet were cutting out caffeine and adding copious amounts of water. It was summer and it was HOT HOT HOT! I had a hard time staying hydrated and was drinking upwards of a gallon of water a day. I was even pretty sedentary the last few months I was pregnant because it was such a hot summer and I was super uncomfortable with that enormous child in my tummy. A few weeks after the birth, I went back to my old ways with water and caffeine. Within 6-8 months after the birth I packed all of the pounds back on, PLUS some.
When I was pregnant with my second son I maintained a 10 lb weight loss throughout the whole pregnancy. With this little one, I cut out caffeine AND I had a sugar and dairy aversion. Additionally, I had a weird symptom whereby I could TASTE chemicals in things, so I stopped drinking tap water (even filtered...I could taste the stupid filter stuff) and I began to drink bottled water. I probably drank 5-6 bottles of water a day. After he was born at 8lbs 10oz, I weighed 20 lbs less than when I got pregnant. Again, after a few months of being back to my regular water and coffee schedule, the weight came right back on, PLUS some.
I know that there are a lot of physiological reasons why heavier women lose weight when they are pregnant, but I can't help but wonder if all of that water was a factor in the weight loss.
In general, I am always a little dehydrated. I used to drink 2 cups of coffee in the morning, then nothing else until I got crazy thirsty after nap time. That can't be good. Right now, I am either drinking a glass of milk or a cup of tea for breakfast and often not anything else until 12-1 in the afternoon. I kind of just forget to drink. I am FOR SURE eating, but not drinking anything.
"What do losing weight and water have to do with depression? " you ask. Well, for starters, chronic dehydration makes you feel tired and sluggish, which doesn't help depression. It also slows metabolic functions. So, what you are eating isn't being metabolised correctly...making you gain weight...AND you are too tired to exercise! Secondly, there is some weird hormone stuff that goes on inside of an obese woman's body; thyroid function is thrown off and reproductive hormones go all wacky (which I have experienced). Both of these things can create or exacerbate depression. Also, there have been studies that show that obesity leads to vitamin D deficiency (which I have been diagnosed with). Vitamin D is a happy little vitamin. It is the vitamin that is needed when people have Seasonal Affective Disorder (which is depression that occurs in winter and then subsides when there is more sunshine).
I need to drink more water kids! I went out and bought some fancy new reusable cups. I stocked my freezer with ice (I love SUPER cold water) and am keeping water by my side throughout the day. In my last post I wrote about tea. Tea is still fine. It basically just infused water. In herbal tea there is no caffeine or sugar to goober up the hydrating power of the water.
Today I have consumed more water from 7am to 12pm than I did ALL of yesterday. Strangely, I am still thirsty. But I have to say, I AM feeling a little peppier today than yesterday. I am going to strive to drink roughly 90 oz of water a day (5 of my shiny new reusable cups is about 96 oz). For those of you who use the posh metric system, that's nearly 3 liters of water per day.
I am hopeful that adding the water component to my little experiment will help with sugar and carb intake as well as fuel energy for exercise.
The author of the article said that he drinks 2 gallons of water a day. 2!!! That sounds like a crazy number. What a weirdo right! BUT, looks like I need to take heed. Why?
When I was pregnant with both of my sons I LOST weight. LOST. With my first son, I "gained" 30 lbs. After I delivered a 10lb 6oz baby and whatnot, I ended up weighing about 15 lbs less than I did before I got pregnant. Unheard of generally. The ONLY changes I made to my diet were cutting out caffeine and adding copious amounts of water. It was summer and it was HOT HOT HOT! I had a hard time staying hydrated and was drinking upwards of a gallon of water a day. I was even pretty sedentary the last few months I was pregnant because it was such a hot summer and I was super uncomfortable with that enormous child in my tummy. A few weeks after the birth, I went back to my old ways with water and caffeine. Within 6-8 months after the birth I packed all of the pounds back on, PLUS some.
When I was pregnant with my second son I maintained a 10 lb weight loss throughout the whole pregnancy. With this little one, I cut out caffeine AND I had a sugar and dairy aversion. Additionally, I had a weird symptom whereby I could TASTE chemicals in things, so I stopped drinking tap water (even filtered...I could taste the stupid filter stuff) and I began to drink bottled water. I probably drank 5-6 bottles of water a day. After he was born at 8lbs 10oz, I weighed 20 lbs less than when I got pregnant. Again, after a few months of being back to my regular water and coffee schedule, the weight came right back on, PLUS some.
I know that there are a lot of physiological reasons why heavier women lose weight when they are pregnant, but I can't help but wonder if all of that water was a factor in the weight loss.
In general, I am always a little dehydrated. I used to drink 2 cups of coffee in the morning, then nothing else until I got crazy thirsty after nap time. That can't be good. Right now, I am either drinking a glass of milk or a cup of tea for breakfast and often not anything else until 12-1 in the afternoon. I kind of just forget to drink. I am FOR SURE eating, but not drinking anything.
"What do losing weight and water have to do with depression? " you ask. Well, for starters, chronic dehydration makes you feel tired and sluggish, which doesn't help depression. It also slows metabolic functions. So, what you are eating isn't being metabolised correctly...making you gain weight...AND you are too tired to exercise! Secondly, there is some weird hormone stuff that goes on inside of an obese woman's body; thyroid function is thrown off and reproductive hormones go all wacky (which I have experienced). Both of these things can create or exacerbate depression. Also, there have been studies that show that obesity leads to vitamin D deficiency (which I have been diagnosed with). Vitamin D is a happy little vitamin. It is the vitamin that is needed when people have Seasonal Affective Disorder (which is depression that occurs in winter and then subsides when there is more sunshine).
I need to drink more water kids! I went out and bought some fancy new reusable cups. I stocked my freezer with ice (I love SUPER cold water) and am keeping water by my side throughout the day. In my last post I wrote about tea. Tea is still fine. It basically just infused water. In herbal tea there is no caffeine or sugar to goober up the hydrating power of the water.
Today I have consumed more water from 7am to 12pm than I did ALL of yesterday. Strangely, I am still thirsty. But I have to say, I AM feeling a little peppier today than yesterday. I am going to strive to drink roughly 90 oz of water a day (5 of my shiny new reusable cups is about 96 oz). For those of you who use the posh metric system, that's nearly 3 liters of water per day.
I am hopeful that adding the water component to my little experiment will help with sugar and carb intake as well as fuel energy for exercise.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Me and Tea
Oh, all of these posts with the word "failure"! Good news, this one is about an area where I am actually seeing some positive progress!
Since the middle of December-ish, I have been cutting out caffeine. I slowly weaned myself down from two cups a day of regular coffee to half-caf and then decaf. I feel really good about that!
I have emotional ties to coffee. Really. Before I was married with children I was most likely to be found at one of my favorite coffee houses with my friends...or by myself with a journal. Everything from aroma to flavor to coffee culture is meaningful to me. Giving it up was a sacrifice.
However, I have found that decaf is good enough. I can still walk into a coffee house and drink coffee and smell coffee and "do" coffee. After the initial order is made, no one has any idea what's in my cup. It doesn't matter.
Truth be told though, now that coffee doesn't give me that extra sumthin' sumthin', I have been more likely to order tea. I have discovered that I LOVE chai tea. It's like Zoloft in a cup for me. The mix of warm, exotic aromas calms me. It does have a little caffeine, but only about 25% of the caffeine in a cup of coffee. It also has antioxidants, ingredients for digestive health, and spices that act as an anti-inflammatory. So, it is a beverage that soothes my emotions AND has health benefits! Hooray! Some chai does have a little bit of sugar...but I'm not gonna stress about it.
Some other caffeine free herbal teas that I have been using are:
Rooibos Chai- This is an herbal tea made from an African shrub infused with the spices of chai. I brew it cup by cup at home. It has all of the charm of chai and no caffeine. Some studies have found rooibos helps with nervous tension. Additionally, some studies found it to have strong anti-oxidant properties and has been traditionally used as medicinal treatments for allergies, colic, and skin problems.
Mint Tea- This is an herbal tea made of mint leaves. Some studies have shown it to help sharpen mental focus and relieve anxiety. It also helps with digestive health and bad breath (you know, if you have bad breath...which I DON'T)
Chamomile Tea- This is an herbal tea made from a flowering plant. Some studies have shown it has uses as a cure for anxiety and insomnia. It has also been shown to boost immunity, soothe menstrual cramps, treat colic, and assist with the healing of skin disorders including eczema (which BOTH of my sons have).
In closing, I would like to reiterate that coffee is NOT BAD! With my particular bag of mental health issues, full-caf coffee is not a good choice for ME. Coffee does have some health benefits. But ALL of the research I have read about anxiety flavored depression and serotonin deficiency says that caffeine consumption just contributes to the problem. I don't want to be counterproductive. So, instead, I will enjoy my decaf coffee or my little box of herbal teas...and get both emotional relief and bonus health benefits.
Since the middle of December-ish, I have been cutting out caffeine. I slowly weaned myself down from two cups a day of regular coffee to half-caf and then decaf. I feel really good about that!
I have emotional ties to coffee. Really. Before I was married with children I was most likely to be found at one of my favorite coffee houses with my friends...or by myself with a journal. Everything from aroma to flavor to coffee culture is meaningful to me. Giving it up was a sacrifice.
However, I have found that decaf is good enough. I can still walk into a coffee house and drink coffee and smell coffee and "do" coffee. After the initial order is made, no one has any idea what's in my cup. It doesn't matter.
Truth be told though, now that coffee doesn't give me that extra sumthin' sumthin', I have been more likely to order tea. I have discovered that I LOVE chai tea. It's like Zoloft in a cup for me. The mix of warm, exotic aromas calms me. It does have a little caffeine, but only about 25% of the caffeine in a cup of coffee. It also has antioxidants, ingredients for digestive health, and spices that act as an anti-inflammatory. So, it is a beverage that soothes my emotions AND has health benefits! Hooray! Some chai does have a little bit of sugar...but I'm not gonna stress about it.
Some other caffeine free herbal teas that I have been using are:
Rooibos Chai- This is an herbal tea made from an African shrub infused with the spices of chai. I brew it cup by cup at home. It has all of the charm of chai and no caffeine. Some studies have found rooibos helps with nervous tension. Additionally, some studies found it to have strong anti-oxidant properties and has been traditionally used as medicinal treatments for allergies, colic, and skin problems.
Mint Tea- This is an herbal tea made of mint leaves. Some studies have shown it to help sharpen mental focus and relieve anxiety. It also helps with digestive health and bad breath (you know, if you have bad breath...which I DON'T)
Chamomile Tea- This is an herbal tea made from a flowering plant. Some studies have shown it has uses as a cure for anxiety and insomnia. It has also been shown to boost immunity, soothe menstrual cramps, treat colic, and assist with the healing of skin disorders including eczema (which BOTH of my sons have).
In closing, I would like to reiterate that coffee is NOT BAD! With my particular bag of mental health issues, full-caf coffee is not a good choice for ME. Coffee does have some health benefits. But ALL of the research I have read about anxiety flavored depression and serotonin deficiency says that caffeine consumption just contributes to the problem. I don't want to be counterproductive. So, instead, I will enjoy my decaf coffee or my little box of herbal teas...and get both emotional relief and bonus health benefits.
Friday, March 1, 2013
A Negative Nelly
"I’m my own worst enemy...Its bad when you annoy yourself...So irritating...Don’t wanna be my friend no more...I wanna be somebody else" -Pink
"I'm kicking my own ass, do you mind?" -Liar Liar
Sweet friends, if you haven't already picked up on the negativity that is me, you're going to get a little glimpse into it today. I had a rough morning.
I had a neurology appointment today regarding my headaches. I already knew what the doctor was going to tell me because my primary care doctor already called me with results of my test. It was just a formal visit...for the record really. Anywho, I was in a hurry to get out of the house this morning and forgot my MRI films and had to leave the appointment to go get them. Long story short, my 10:00 AM appointment ended at 1:30PM and I only saw the doctor for FOUR MINUTES!
I was shut in a small, windowless room, waiting all by myself for TWO HOURS. There were no magazines, I did not bring a book, and I had NO Internet connection and intermittent phone service. I was all alone with my thoughts. All I could do was berate myself for making the mistake of leaving my films at home and causing this whole day to go to crap. Also, during check in, my weight was the highest it's ever been...those two things bounced around in my head for TWO HOURS. I found out via spotty text message that my sister (who was watching my children and was now stuck with them for four hours instead of one) was having a rough time because the little ones were fighting and coloring on the walls. Additionally, we were supposed to go on a fun outing after my appointment to have the kids run around a little and get some lunch. We would not be able to do that now because of my STUPID mistake.
I just kept mentally reminding myself why I am always so afraid of making mistakes. There are always seriously unpleasant consequences when I mess up. Incidents like these solidify my belief that I am only as good as my ability to be perfect. It's difficult to fight against hard data.
Out of anger, disappointment, frustration, and utter "caged-animal-ness", I began to cry. Then I began to sob. A nurse popped her head in to make sure I was OK and I just kept pleading with her to go away. She kept pressing me and I kept insisting that she leave me alone! By the time I left my appointment I was completely defeated emotionally. I failed to be responsible, found out that I am fatter than ever, THEN I freaked out on a well-meaning nurse, and made a general fool of myself in front of medical professionals. It's a bad day.
I came home and immediately ate sugar. I didn't even try to fight it. I felt comforted and guilty and weak and disgusting all in the same bite. It didn't help. I always think it will and it doesn't...but I always think it will. Again, a cycle.
I have people who love me tell me ALL THE TIME that I need to stop being so hard on myself when I am not perfect. I can't. The language of failure is so ingrained in me that, even though I am being treated for depression, it permeates my day. I failed, I'm a failure, it failed, I succeeded, win!, etc.
Depression isn't just feeling sad. It's a whole skewed, screwed up view of life and life's problems. There are lots of things that I "know" that I cannot get my mind to accept as truth. Nobody is perfect, I "know" that. But, knowing that hasn't allowed me to feel any less negative than I do right now.
PS...my MRI was fine...my headaches are unrelated to the physiology of my brain.
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