My Body Acceptance Manifesto

Dear friends, in a few of my latest posts I mentioned that I am going through a transformation with regard to my views on weight and health.  Here is an article that speaks about the latest study done on the topic of weight and health.  Basically, there was a slightly LOWER mortality rate for people who were overweight!  Not what you learned from Dr. Oz or the millions of issues of women's magazines that told you that being fat increases you risk of this disease or that cancer?  Additionally, there is a school of thought that says that some of these diseases linked to obesity are the CAUSE of weight gain and not the result (the camp I am in by the way).

I've been fat since I was 6 years old.  I didn't feel bad about it until an aunt began to make me feel guilty for the amount of food I was eating and used the word "fat" to describe me.  I went on SlimFast for the first time when I was 7 years old.  Off and on for 13 years I was on some kind of diet (even briefly dabbling in bulimia in middle school).  Finally, when I was 21, I went on Weight Watchers.  I lost 100lbs...then due to budget reasons, I quit the program.  Over the next decade I gained back ALL of the weight plus 25 pounds.    I've tried all kinds of things to lose weight and NOTHING has worked. 

Well, in the last few months, I've done some homework and have discovered that the diet and fitness industry is just that....an INDUSTRY!  They want our money and don't care about our health.  A giant portion of these companies pump people full of synthetic supplements that cost exorbitant amounts of money.  The rest require strict, tasteless, food plans that take all of the joy out of life and leave the dieter obsessed about how well they have conformed and guilty and ashamed that they "cheated".   Finally there is the mutilating of your intestinal tract that is weight loss surgery.  They surgically cut your stomach/intestines so that you can only eat and digest 4 ounces of food at a time...and you CAN'T EVER drink a beverage with a meal or it will throw the whole thing off.  What THE HELL!!!!!

I'm not doing this shit anymore.  I WILL NOT!  My worth is not determined by my clothing size or a number on a scale.  Though that's cliché, y'all KNOW that there is truth in that.  I am tired of obsessing about what's going into my mouth...counting calories and Points (it's not f*&%ing helping anyway).  I am finished with being ashamed about darkening the door of a Lane Bryant.  I'm weary of worrying whether or not my body is pleasing to those who behold it.  NO MORE! 

What I will NOT do:

• I will not complain that I am fat.
• I will not compare my body to another woman's body.  And I will not make self depreciating comments in comparison to another woman.
• I will not "diet".
• I will not feel ashamed to dress this body the way I wish to.
• I will decide not to internalize dirty looks or rude comments from any person with regard to my weight.
• I will not force you to adopt this attitude.  You do what you do, friend.  This is not the ultimate message I want to preach.  I hope you'll become happy with your own body but I'm not going to shame you into it.

What I WILL do:

• I will do my best to keep my body healthy.  If by getting my body healthy, I lose weight...I'm Ok with that.  If by getting healthy, nothing changes...I'm Ok with that too.
• I will move and strengthen my body through movement that I enjoy.
• I will eat the food that I know is healthy for me but not feel guilty when I can't follow my plan perfectly.  I still plan to follow the A Blood Type Diet.  It is a diet designed to alleviate inflammation, not for weight loss.  Sugar is still limited as well because it chemically exacerbates my anxiety and depression.
• I will teach my sons to respect all women, regardless of their outward appearance.  They don't have to fall in love with every woman, but by God they can be gentlemen to every woman.
• I will cultivate a confidence that comes from being strong and healthy enough to do the things I want to do.
• I will buy clothes NOW instead of waiting until I finally lose some weight...and will proudly enter into a Lane Bryant and clearly and unabashedly tell the associate my size.

So that, in a nutshell, is my plan for healing my body image.  Will I fail and falter in this journey?  Yes, yes I will.  I'm gonna have fat days and days when I feel self conscious and massive.  But, I am choosing not to STAY in those days.  Just like any other transformation, it's going to take the kindness of my God to remind me that I am loved no matter how wide my waist is.  And if I have that love, I'm good. 

Rockin' The Pill Box Like A Septugenarian

My supplements finally came in the mail on Wednesday of last week.  Up until then, all I'd been able to do from my prescription list was nap and do a little yoga.  For the last week, I've taken my little fistful of meds each morning, made a prescription grade smoothie, and taken a shot (from a medicine cup) of my supplemental tincture. 

 

Admittedly, it's already helping.  From morning until nap time, I have a good amount of energy.  I still need to play with the timing of my tincture to keep my energy up so that I don't HAVE to take a nap.   It's been so long since I've had energy, I am burning it faster than I should.  For instance last Friday I decided to clean my house all by myself (we had been doing it as a family on Saturday mornings)...I was exhausted by lunch time. 

 

Besides energy, I am noticing a more stabilized and even mood.  My irritation level has been greatly improved (Thank God, it's the last few weeks of summer and the kids are requiring more patience).  I haven't been inside my own head obsessively either.  Both of those improvements have been refreshing.

 

I have not been keeping track of my weight lately.  I'm going through am ideological change with regard to weight and health.  My doctor will keep track of it and I'll weigh myself every now and then, but I'm not watching the numbers daily like I had been.  Observationally, I have noticed that my tummy is even LESS puffy than it used to be.  My body is feeling stronger and more capable and that's really what I am shooting for.  I plan to do a post about this change in weight philosophy...I'll get around to it soon. ;)

 

So, after a week on my new supplements, I am feeling hopeful...hopeful that I won't have to take treatment to the next level...hopeful that we've finally discovered my underlying health issues...and hopeful that I CAN feel better.  

Facing Mad-ness: Perfectionism

In general, I don't believe in coincidence.  Too many things in my life have lined up perfectly and in unbelievable ways to ever think that life is just full of happy accidents.  So, I assume it wasn't a mere fluke when I caught a snippet of something on the TV or radio (I honestly don't remember which it was) that mentioned the correlation between perfectionism and depression.  Huh.  I began to wonder if there was a correlation between perfectionism and anger.  Doing what I always do, I of course Googled it.  Funny story...perfectionism is TREMENDOUSLY linked to anger (and depression and anxiety).   Here is a VERY accurate article about what it looks like to be a Christian perfectionist...there is a whole section devoted to anger...including anger toward God.

My name is Tiffany.  I am a perfectionist... and I AM ANGRY!...at myself...and a little bit at God...and a little bit at my children...and a little bit at my husband...and a little bit at anyone who has had the opportunity to see me be imperfect. 

It's not news to me that I am a perfectionist (click here for my post on perfectionism). What is news to me is how pervasive this trait has become in my life.  I am sad, stressed, and now I am SICK...all because I am not the person I wish I was...a person who is not possible. 

While there are lots of reasons why people become perfectionists (those reasons are for me and my therapist to work through)...now is the time to remedy it.  God has made me keenly aware of this issue and I would be foolish to continue living this way.  The best remedy for me has been changing the soundtrack in my mind.

I do have some mantras, but I really need to dig in and make time to choose new messages for my mind to mull over.  Because a lot of my self deprecation is related to my performance for God, I plan to search through the Bible and decide on a few encouraging verses to replace the mean voices in my brain. On my honor, I will only choose 1 or 2 verses to begin with.  One HUGE issue with perfectionism is setting goals and standards ludicrously high...unattainably high.  So, to combat that...I'm starting small...and staying small.  We'll see how it goes.  If it helps, I may add more...I may not. 

All of the articles I read on the topic made it very, very clear that healing from perfectionism is a LONG process.  I can't keep living this way...I'm ready to learn to accept my imperfect humanity. 

Soothing

Since I was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue this week, I've spent a lot of time researching ways to regulate stress, relax, and calm myself.  Mostly, I'm finding a lot of the same information...and that's annoying.  Not that I am the smartiest smarty pants on the planet, but most stress management is common sense.  As I've been mulling over strategies to help my mind heal my body, I thought of another word...SOOTHING.

Soothing, at least for me, carries a different connotation than relaxing or calming.  It means that something is red and raw and needs to have the sting removed.  Thinking of the concept of soothing brought to mind a recent encounter I had with a sunburn. 

A few weeks ago, I sustained one of the worst sunburns I've had in a LONG LONG time.  My sons and I went to the lake with a friend.  It was a great afternoon, but it ended with the exhausting twinge of a sunburn.  When I got home, the skin around my shoulders and upper back was so red it was nearly purple.  The entire area screamed with pain.  This wasn't one of those sunburns that allows you to move on with your life, rather it required my full attention and care to keep the agony at bay.

The thing with sunburns is that they keep cooking even after you've come in from the sun.  I'm not entirely certain of the biology, but from experience I know that my sunburns only gets worse after a few hours of being inside.  Thus, my first task was trying to stop the burning. 

Truthfully, I threw everything I had at this sunburn.  I had a very busy weekend coming up and I needed this thing under control as soon as possible.  I applied aloe, aloe with lidocaine, Noxema, and even tea compresses to my wounded skin.  Even with all of that effort, it still took two days for heat to stop radiating from my body. 

I think this is where I am right now in my journey toward emotional healing.  None of these stress management techniques or self care tips are going to be beneficial until I can soothe the raw, burning, wound in my soul.  There is this deep, desperate, rage in my heart.  If I am honest I can name a handful of reasons for this longstanding anger...but generally I have very little understanding of how or why I have reached this intense level of fury. 

Whenever I am under stress (which, because of my season of life and personality, is often several times a day), the stressor feels like someone taking a cheese grater to a sunburn.  Annoyances, injustices, financial burdens, relational issues, and fretful busy-ness fly into my heart and run their fingernails against my scorched emotions. The impetus for strain doesn't need to be anything major...it's really a barrage of small incidents building on top of one another that gets to me...like 1,000 paper cuts on an already damaged soul.  Until I can soothe the searing storm at my core, no matter what causes the tension, the gut reaction is going to be far more intense than is warranted. 

I don't really know how to soothe deep rooted anger.  As a Christian, what I SHOULD say is that I am relying God to heal my wounded soul.  I wish that I could say that prayer and Bible reading have been beneficial with regard to my inner rage.  The reality is that, often, the words of the Bible only serve to make me angrier and more filled with venom.  Lists and passages highlighting my innate imperfection only serve to heap on guilt and frustration.  When I go to the word for a cool compress for my inflamed heart, I am met with sharp clawed words of admonition and rebuke that I can't even hope to answer to.

I'm left with very little resources on the topic of soothing.  I even Googled it and basically got referred to stress management.  Un-helpful.  I want to be soothed...I need to be soothed...but the remedy remains shrouded in mystery for me.  

The Results Are In And The Winner Is...

Adrenal Fatigue! click here for an informational article

Before I unpack this diagnosis, I want to chat about the rest of my tests.  First and foremost, my thyroid is fine on all levels!  Hooray!  Most of my other levels were also within a healthy range.  That was a relief for me.

A few things were off for me though.  My vitamin D is still low.  I am currently taking a Vitamin D supplement and it's not helping enough, so I need a more potent dosage.  My Estrodal (Estrogen 2) levels were a little high and my Progesterone levels were a little low (which again, I suspected). 

The most significant information came from my Cortisol levels.  My levels were well BELOW normal range.  These levels were measured via saliva sample throughout the day (morning, noon, evening, night).  I don't even wake up with normal amounts of Cortisol and it only gets worse through the day.  Because of this, the lab put in in the Level 7 adrenal fatigue range...which is the most severe level. 

Basically adrenal fatigue happens when you are exposed to long term stress.  First your body ramps up cortisol to help you deal with the stress (which deposits a lovely layer of fat on your midsection).  Then it starts to wear down and relies on other hormones to help it out.  Finally, at stage 7, the adrenal glands are just depleted and begin to borrow too heavily from other gland systems and affect the body's ability to regulate itself...causing disease.

Adrenal Fatigue symptoms include:

Fatigue and weakness, especially in the morning and afternoon

A suppressed immune system

Increased allergies

Muscle and bone loss and muscular weakness

Depression

Cravings for foods high in salt, sugar or fat

Hormonal imbalance

Skin problems

Autoimmune disorders

Increased PMS or menopausal symptoms

Low sex drive

Lightheadedness when getting up from sitting or lying down

Decreased ability to handle stress

Trouble waking up in the morning, despite a full night’s sleep

Poor memory

I have 73% of those symptoms as well as increased belly fat, which is indicative of a cortisol issue.  It is also likely why I have developed insulin resistance, as once the adrenal glands can no longer produce enough cortisol, it starts using glucocorticoids to regulate the body functions that cortisol is supposed to take care of.  It then begins to throw off other hormonal balances (hence the Estrogen and Progesterone imbalance).  If left untreated, it will begin to go after other systems, particularly thyroid.

In order to correct the problem, I am taking a series of natural supplements to revive my adrenal glands and clear up some of the sex hormone imbalance.  It is a 3 month treatment.  If it doesn't work the way we need it to, there is a more invasive/expensive plan of action.  Fingers crossed that I respond to the supplements!  She said I'll be able to tell if the medicine is working by my energy level.

In addition I have been prescribed yoga and naps!!!  Yes, that's right!  My doctor said I need to add gentle exercise and I need to avoid strenuous exercise.  She also said that during these next few months it will be beneficial to take midday naps when I can.  They will help my adrenal glands heal.  That's the best prescription I've ever gotten!

Because I know that my personality is bent toward overstress, I know that I have to protect myself mentally as well.  I need to make sure that I am conscious of my stress levels and give myself permission to protect my schedule and my work load.   Life happens and I understand stress is a reality, especially in modern America, but I don't have to heap on the challenges just to prove myself.  It's going to be a big step for me to talk down my achiever tendencies in favor of my physical and mental health, but it's vital that I do it. 

With regard to diet, I need to continue doing what I am doing.  I plan to continue following the Type A diet as well as severely limiting caffeine and sugar (which both trigger an adrenal response)

FULL DISCLOSURE:   This is a diagnosis that is WIDELY accepted in natural medicine circles and really explains the presence of a lot of symptoms.  However, traditional medical community does not believe that "adrenal fatigue" is an actual disease.  They think it is a fairytale diagnosis from natural doctors to explain symptoms associated with modern life.  Here's what I want to say to that...BULL-S!@#

I consider myself and intelligent and informed woman.  I have firm grasp of biology.  This diagnosis is plausible for me.  My naturopath explained the biochemical process in detail.  It makes perfect chemical sense.  Especially since my cortisol was MARKEDLY low, it was easy for me to understand how it could be interpreted as adrenal fatigue.  I AM CLEARLY NOT MAKING ENOUGH CORTISOL!!

Anywho, I trust my naturopath and will try this round of supplements.  I will also endeavor to manage my stress levels (to the best of my ability).  Furthermore, I will... go take a nap...doctor's orders!! ;0)

Anticipation

In just a few days I go to the naturopathic doctor and receive the results of my blood/saliva tests.  Eagerness to know what she has discovered is mingled with fear about what she has found.  It could mean a whole new bevy of changes for me. 

Another possibility is that all of the tests can come back normal.  I didn't even really consider that possibility until my therapist mentioned it.  She asked, "what happens if the tests don't find anything?".  That took me aback.  It took me a few minutes to process before I could answer.  In the end I decided as long as we come up with some sort of plan to help me feel better, then I can be OK with whatever the tests say/don't say. 

On an interesting note, my youngest son just went to the doctor because he hasn't grown much since he was 18mo (he's 32 months now).  His pediatrician wants to run a lot of the same blood tests that I just had done...so it will be really interesting to compare what's going on with him to hat might potentially be going on with me. 

Until Wednesday, I have to fight against turning anticipation/curiosity into full blown anxiety.  It's a pretty busy week, so maybe the answer is distraction.  We'll see.  I let you know what I find out!

The Illusion Of Control

I don't remember who it was, but someone famous in Christian circles blogged about his anxiety last year.  He was recounting his first anxiety attack...how it felt...how frightening it was.  The story continued as he shared the many ways he treats his anxiety and how people reacted to his diagnosis.  He talked a lot about medication.  This was helpful for me at the time I was reading it because I was deciding whether or not to go back on meds.  One line in his post stuck with me and has had some influence on how I view my depression and anxiety...he called treatment "the illusion of control".  He said this because he was doing everything he was supposed to be doing (including taking medicine) and he would still have random panic attacks from time to time. I got smacked in the face with the "illusion of control" today. 

I've mentioned that I am following a diet and taking supplements as prescribed by my doctor.  (Zoloft is still in that mix.)  Generally, I've been feeling very, very good.  Welp, there were a couple of ways I neglected to treat my depression this week.  First of all, for two days this week, I was out of my routine and missed two doses of Zoloft and my supplements.  I also partook of caffeine, drank alcohol too many times this week (remember I have less of an issue with quantity as much as frequency of alcohol), and had more sugar than I should have.  Today...today is a rough day.  While I have been taking my medicine faithfully for two days, my missed doses (and all of the other unwise choices I've made) have finally caught up with me.

My level of irritability is very high and my tolerance for my children is VERY low.  All of the loneliness and worthlessness that I've kept at bay this summer has come flooding back.  Deep theological questions are wrestling around in my brain and making my heart hurt. I'm tired and listless and want nothing more than to go to bed and sleep through the weekend (and let my husband take care of the kids).

While there have been many stressors this week, they were rolling off of my back...until today.  The depression filter went up.  My poor husband asked if there was anything I needed to talk about...I had to tell him no.  There isn't really.  I just feel bad.  All of the things that were irritating and rage inducing today, just WEREN'T yesterday. 

It's days like today that I have to remember that I will likely never be "cured" from this illness.  I can do everything in my power to care for my body/mind/spirit...and minimize the damage... but I do not ultimately have control over my depression.  If I waver in my fight for health...it comes sneaking back in.  If I get blindsided by unpleasant circumstances...it's there to greet me.   Some days I might feel like I have my depression under control...but I don't...it's an illusion.