The Illusion Of Control

I don't remember who it was, but someone famous in Christian circles blogged about his anxiety last year.  He was recounting his first anxiety attack...how it felt...how frightening it was.  The story continued as he shared the many ways he treats his anxiety and how people reacted to his diagnosis.  He talked a lot about medication.  This was helpful for me at the time I was reading it because I was deciding whether or not to go back on meds.  One line in his post stuck with me and has had some influence on how I view my depression and anxiety...he called treatment "the illusion of control".  He said this because he was doing everything he was supposed to be doing (including taking medicine) and he would still have random panic attacks from time to time. I got smacked in the face with the "illusion of control" today. 

I've mentioned that I am following a diet and taking supplements as prescribed by my doctor.  (Zoloft is still in that mix.)  Generally, I've been feeling very, very good.  Welp, there were a couple of ways I neglected to treat my depression this week.  First of all, for two days this week, I was out of my routine and missed two doses of Zoloft and my supplements.  I also partook of caffeine, drank alcohol too many times this week (remember I have less of an issue with quantity as much as frequency of alcohol), and had more sugar than I should have.  Today...today is a rough day.  While I have been taking my medicine faithfully for two days, my missed doses (and all of the other unwise choices I've made) have finally caught up with me.

My level of irritability is very high and my tolerance for my children is VERY low.  All of the loneliness and worthlessness that I've kept at bay this summer has come flooding back.  Deep theological questions are wrestling around in my brain and making my heart hurt. I'm tired and listless and want nothing more than to go to bed and sleep through the weekend (and let my husband take care of the kids).

While there have been many stressors this week, they were rolling off of my back...until today.  The depression filter went up.  My poor husband asked if there was anything I needed to talk about...I had to tell him no.  There isn't really.  I just feel bad.  All of the things that were irritating and rage inducing today, just WEREN'T yesterday. 

It's days like today that I have to remember that I will likely never be "cured" from this illness.  I can do everything in my power to care for my body/mind/spirit...and minimize the damage... but I do not ultimately have control over my depression.  If I waver in my fight for health...it comes sneaking back in.  If I get blindsided by unpleasant circumstances...it's there to greet me.   Some days I might feel like I have my depression under control...but I don't...it's an illusion.