My stomach was in knots yesterday as I counted down the hours to my doctor's appointment. Two weeks ago, I took a neurotransmitter test...I was about to get the results. While I sort of knew what to expect, the nervousness of the unknown worked its way through my body.
As soon as I stepped into her office and exchanged greetings, my doctor slid the results across the desk. The first thing I noticed was that almost everything was normal. That's was a good thing. No surprises.Then she drew my attention to my serotonin and GABA levels. Even with my antidepressant, my serotonin still tested low. GABA is a brain chemical that is used for calming and it was, by far, my most underfunctioning neurotransmitter. When GABA is low, the symptoms present as anxiety, depression, fatigue, and an inability to handle stress. Yeah, I have that.
My biggest concern going into this appointment was the treatment. I've gone off of my antidepressant before and it was awful...I was afraid she was going to ask that of me...and I wasn't sure how I felt about that possibility. But, she didn't want me to go off of my meds. To get my serotonin levels up, she is just adding a supplement to my antidepressant. When I got that news, I breathed a sigh of relief! Also, because of my levels of serotonin and GABA in combination with some other symptoms I have presented with, she thinks part of my problem is zinc and b6 deficiency...we're just doing some simple supplements for that.
So, the news was not really news and the treatment is kind of minimal. I'm good with that. Now we just wait and see if I feel better. Fingers crossed.
Life Less Sweet: Documentation of my struggle with depression and anxiety.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Terrifyingly Hopeful
My journey to health through naturopathic medicine began when I read a book called The Mood Cure by Julia Ross. I was in the worst state of depression I have ever been in and I was look for natural ways to help myself. There was a quiz at the beginning of the book to help me narrow down which neurotransmitters deficiency I had. There were 5 focuses and I had high scores in 4 of them! The book offered, what I consider to be, sound nutritional and supplemental advice (a lot of which has been echoed by my natural doctor). I gave it a go for about a month, but, I was so far down the path of despair and self loathing that I couldn't claw my way out without pharmaceuticals. So, I set the book aside and got a new scrip for sertraline (which I had been on for 18 months after Little Brother was born).
At the same time I got my new prescription for antidepressants, I shared with my doctor that I was concerned about my substantial weight gain since having Little Brother. I had tried dieting and exercise and nothing was working...I was still GAINING weight. She basically told me that my body was just one of those bodies that resists weight loss. She told me to go on a 1200 calorie, no carb diet and gave me the numbers for several bariatric surgeons. I wasn't having it! There was/is something going on with my body chemistry. Completely disgusted with the whole mainstream medical community, I decided to try out a naturopathic doctor.
I chose my natural doctor for two reasons...1. She is on staff at a local, prestigious, research hospital. 2.Her expertise is in the field of neurotransmitters. We haven't even started to deal with the weight issues because I was right in thinking that I had some imbalances within my body. Until this month, we had done very little work with neurotransmitters. I have been considering this test for a long time, since the sertraline has been helpful...lifesaving really...but depression and anxiety still live pretty close to the surface for me. So, I either needed to go see a psychiatrist and get some sort of cocktail of meds, or try going the natural route under a doctors care. But, because of cost and fear, I have been putting it off.
When I went to go pick up my antidepressant at the pharmacy in June, it had a note that said I had no more refills without an appointment. I have ZERO intention of ever going back to that doctor. So, I figured now would be an opportune time to do the neurotransmitter testing with my natural doctor The test checks levels for 9 different neurotransmitters. While there are a few that I am unfamiliar with, The Mood Cure books dealt in depth with 5 of them, so I have at least a basic grasp of what these chemicals do and what symptoms of imbalances are.
The reason that I titled this post Terrifyingly Hopeful is because that is exactly how I feel. It's terrifying, because I have NOT had good luck with being off of my medications. I get weird withdrawal symptoms (I get "zaps" in my head, which is really similar to the feeling you get when you lick a 9-volt battery) and slowly creep back into crazy. On the other hand, I am hopeful because it will be so helpful to know what my actual levels of neurotransmitters are, instead of just guessing with a checklist. AND, I will not be dosing myself with supplements, I will be following a prescribed plan based on scientific information.
The results take two weeks to return, so I won't know what is going on until close to the end of the month. I am an intelligent, biology nerd kind of a gal, so I feel confident that I can guess which neurotransmitters are screwy. What will be interesting to find out is HOW screwy, the balance of chemicals in relation to one another, what her suggestions are for remedying the imbalances, and if there is any hope for me to EVER be off of medication/supplements.
At the same time I got my new prescription for antidepressants, I shared with my doctor that I was concerned about my substantial weight gain since having Little Brother. I had tried dieting and exercise and nothing was working...I was still GAINING weight. She basically told me that my body was just one of those bodies that resists weight loss. She told me to go on a 1200 calorie, no carb diet and gave me the numbers for several bariatric surgeons. I wasn't having it! There was/is something going on with my body chemistry. Completely disgusted with the whole mainstream medical community, I decided to try out a naturopathic doctor.
I chose my natural doctor for two reasons...1. She is on staff at a local, prestigious, research hospital. 2.Her expertise is in the field of neurotransmitters. We haven't even started to deal with the weight issues because I was right in thinking that I had some imbalances within my body. Until this month, we had done very little work with neurotransmitters. I have been considering this test for a long time, since the sertraline has been helpful...lifesaving really...but depression and anxiety still live pretty close to the surface for me. So, I either needed to go see a psychiatrist and get some sort of cocktail of meds, or try going the natural route under a doctors care. But, because of cost and fear, I have been putting it off.
When I went to go pick up my antidepressant at the pharmacy in June, it had a note that said I had no more refills without an appointment. I have ZERO intention of ever going back to that doctor. So, I figured now would be an opportune time to do the neurotransmitter testing with my natural doctor The test checks levels for 9 different neurotransmitters. While there are a few that I am unfamiliar with, The Mood Cure books dealt in depth with 5 of them, so I have at least a basic grasp of what these chemicals do and what symptoms of imbalances are.
The reason that I titled this post Terrifyingly Hopeful is because that is exactly how I feel. It's terrifying, because I have NOT had good luck with being off of my medications. I get weird withdrawal symptoms (I get "zaps" in my head, which is really similar to the feeling you get when you lick a 9-volt battery) and slowly creep back into crazy. On the other hand, I am hopeful because it will be so helpful to know what my actual levels of neurotransmitters are, instead of just guessing with a checklist. AND, I will not be dosing myself with supplements, I will be following a prescribed plan based on scientific information.
The results take two weeks to return, so I won't know what is going on until close to the end of the month. I am an intelligent, biology nerd kind of a gal, so I feel confident that I can guess which neurotransmitters are screwy. What will be interesting to find out is HOW screwy, the balance of chemicals in relation to one another, what her suggestions are for remedying the imbalances, and if there is any hope for me to EVER be off of medication/supplements.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
My Final Discourse On Foster Care: Another Long One
Welp folks, it's spill your guts time again on the ol' blog. An unfortunate few of my Facebook friends knew this was coming. They've had the privilege of receiving some mini-diatribes as comments to their posted articles about foster care. So, I am going to do this now and I'm not going to do it again....
My Final Discourse On Foster Care
First and foremost I want to say that the plight of the foster child is heart wrenching. They were born into terrible situations...through no fault of their own. But they have had so much neglect, violence, or abuse in their lives that the state feels like it is in their best interest to break a sacred bond and allow the child to live with another family. It goes against natural and spiritual laws for a child to be removed from his or her mother and it's a sad and serious matter. Usually there have been a plethora of services offered to help the family stay intact. In general, the state does not take the removal of children lightly. I do not wish for this post to be disparaging in any way to these kids. They are the victims of circumstances that they had zero control over and placed in a system that they have zero control in. This is not about the kids. My issue is with the experience we had as foster parents and the way we were treated by the system and by the church.
Have you ever seen an Army commercial? Be all you can be. Army of One. Heartwarming images of smiling young men and women working as a team flash across the screen. But, in the back of our minds, we know what soldiers really do. They get deployed to Afghanistan...sent to Iraq...separated from their families. Even if they don't get sent, they live with the tension that any day they could be thrust into the battle.
Recruitment for foster parents is just as misleading. We hear statistics that tug on our heart strings, "Hundreds of thousands of kids are in the system right now"..."Thousands of teens age out of the system every year"..."If every Christian family took in a child, there would be no children waiting for homes." We hear rhetoric from our faith communities, "It's the job of the church to care for the orphan"..."If we were doing our job as believers there wouldn't be a need for a foster care system"..."God adopted you, shouldn't you consider adopting a child in need."
But the reality is that our experience with foster parenting felt like a battle. The caseworker sold us the idea of the kids like a used car dealer sells a Ford Taurus. She said they were great kids, minimized their issues, glossed over their reason for being in care, gave us hope that this would be a short placement, and completely left out VERY important details in their case. We were so enchanted with the idea that we were going to use the weapon of love to help fix something that is broken in our world...we took the kids.
In our experience love looked like strict rules, door alarms, assigned seating, explaining to a child that they had to stop using tears as a form of manipulation, mopping up pee every single day for 8 months, teaching kids about the sacredness of their bodies, problem solving, problem solving, problem solving, coming up with creative ways to teach basic social norms and teaching them over and over and over and over again, enduring screams of "I hate you! I want my mom!", and never giving any slack because if we relaxed the rules or expectations even a little, the kids saw it as weakness or instability and began to act out. That was how we were able to love the kids we had...and it sure as hell didn't line up with the recruitment messages.
And while we were in this battle, our friends, family, and faith community all but abandoned us. Friends didn't want to deal with the drama that ensued when we brought our family over. Constant correction isn't a pleasant thing to witness and most certainly isn't most people's idea of a good time. Our family wasn't there for us because they felt like we put ourselves into this situation and their advice was just to quit. If the kids went away, the drama would go away. That brings us to the church. We had a select handful of people who intentionally invested in our lives and for that we are deeply thankful. However, most of the time people didn't want to hear anything negative that would soil their golden ideal of what it was like to "care for the orphan". They put their fingers in their ears and sang "lalalalalalala". People would bring us meals...but most of the time they handed it off and the door and bolted out of there as fast as they could...no investment, just feeding.
So, for most of the time we were foster parents we were enduring emotional, spiritual, and physical assault. And we were doing it mostly alone...as the stay at home mom...I was mostly doing it alone. But, I BELIEVED in the cause. I blew through several stop signs that told me that this placement was all wrong for our family because I didn't want to add trauma to these children's lives. I BELIEVED that I was helping to make a difference in a child's life and make God's name known through doing so. Then, after months and months of scraping the bottom of my emotional, spiritual, and physical barrel, the placement came to a crashing end.
Have you ever been part of an exercise where you write down ten values...then you have to let go of two...then two more...and so on until you are at a point where you are asked to choose only one key value? Choosing to end our placement was like that. I had to, very literally, decide between two values that I held very, very dear...glorifying God by caring for the orphan or protecting my own biological children. Behaviors that were unsafe began to show up with frequency and vigor. I just had an overwhelming bad feeling about where these behaviors were headed. We asked for the kids to be moved. Not a week later a big bad unsafe situation came to light and I knew that we'd made a right decision. The kids were removed unceremoniously from our home.
Having to choose between two gut level, heart level, soul level values is excruciatingly painful. My therapist says I have a trauma response to the topic of foster care. Having been a foster parent is my 9-11. The experience has left me with wounds so deep, I will never be the same again. I'm not the same person I was and am now on a much different path than I would have been otherwise.
Not everyone's experience with fostering is bad...or this bad...but it's been a painful experience for a lot of people. The statistic is that 50-60% of foster parents quit after their first placement. When I heard that statistic in training, I was a giant judgey-judgerson. But those people who quit...most of them are good people...people who love kids...people who love Jesus...and people who discovered that foster care was not just "too hard" it was the most emotionally and spiritually expensive thing they've ever done...and they are hurting.
I don't wish (necessarily) to discourage people who desire to become foster parents. But, I think there would be a whole lot less collateral damage to kids and to families if we walked into this ministry with open eyes. It's not just a little challenging or inconvenient, anyone who accuses you of giving up because it's too hard is putting you on a guilt trip. Foster care is hard as hell and if you are willing to walk in that truth and to own that, knowing that it could cost you more than you agreed to pay...then go forth and serve my friend. If, like me, your deepest desire is to serve your community for the sake of Jesus, find a different way to do that. Caring for the orphan through foster parenting is a calling...it's not meant for every ear in the congregation. Please don't let any sentimental, emotionally wrought, Bible thumping, propaganda convince you to do something that God has not asked of you.
My Final Discourse On Foster Care
First and foremost I want to say that the plight of the foster child is heart wrenching. They were born into terrible situations...through no fault of their own. But they have had so much neglect, violence, or abuse in their lives that the state feels like it is in their best interest to break a sacred bond and allow the child to live with another family. It goes against natural and spiritual laws for a child to be removed from his or her mother and it's a sad and serious matter. Usually there have been a plethora of services offered to help the family stay intact. In general, the state does not take the removal of children lightly. I do not wish for this post to be disparaging in any way to these kids. They are the victims of circumstances that they had zero control over and placed in a system that they have zero control in. This is not about the kids. My issue is with the experience we had as foster parents and the way we were treated by the system and by the church.
Have you ever seen an Army commercial? Be all you can be. Army of One. Heartwarming images of smiling young men and women working as a team flash across the screen. But, in the back of our minds, we know what soldiers really do. They get deployed to Afghanistan...sent to Iraq...separated from their families. Even if they don't get sent, they live with the tension that any day they could be thrust into the battle.
Recruitment for foster parents is just as misleading. We hear statistics that tug on our heart strings, "Hundreds of thousands of kids are in the system right now"..."Thousands of teens age out of the system every year"..."If every Christian family took in a child, there would be no children waiting for homes." We hear rhetoric from our faith communities, "It's the job of the church to care for the orphan"..."If we were doing our job as believers there wouldn't be a need for a foster care system"..."God adopted you, shouldn't you consider adopting a child in need."
But the reality is that our experience with foster parenting felt like a battle. The caseworker sold us the idea of the kids like a used car dealer sells a Ford Taurus. She said they were great kids, minimized their issues, glossed over their reason for being in care, gave us hope that this would be a short placement, and completely left out VERY important details in their case. We were so enchanted with the idea that we were going to use the weapon of love to help fix something that is broken in our world...we took the kids.
In our experience love looked like strict rules, door alarms, assigned seating, explaining to a child that they had to stop using tears as a form of manipulation, mopping up pee every single day for 8 months, teaching kids about the sacredness of their bodies, problem solving, problem solving, problem solving, coming up with creative ways to teach basic social norms and teaching them over and over and over and over again, enduring screams of "I hate you! I want my mom!", and never giving any slack because if we relaxed the rules or expectations even a little, the kids saw it as weakness or instability and began to act out. That was how we were able to love the kids we had...and it sure as hell didn't line up with the recruitment messages.
And while we were in this battle, our friends, family, and faith community all but abandoned us. Friends didn't want to deal with the drama that ensued when we brought our family over. Constant correction isn't a pleasant thing to witness and most certainly isn't most people's idea of a good time. Our family wasn't there for us because they felt like we put ourselves into this situation and their advice was just to quit. If the kids went away, the drama would go away. That brings us to the church. We had a select handful of people who intentionally invested in our lives and for that we are deeply thankful. However, most of the time people didn't want to hear anything negative that would soil their golden ideal of what it was like to "care for the orphan". They put their fingers in their ears and sang "lalalalalalala". People would bring us meals...but most of the time they handed it off and the door and bolted out of there as fast as they could...no investment, just feeding.
So, for most of the time we were foster parents we were enduring emotional, spiritual, and physical assault. And we were doing it mostly alone...as the stay at home mom...I was mostly doing it alone. But, I BELIEVED in the cause. I blew through several stop signs that told me that this placement was all wrong for our family because I didn't want to add trauma to these children's lives. I BELIEVED that I was helping to make a difference in a child's life and make God's name known through doing so. Then, after months and months of scraping the bottom of my emotional, spiritual, and physical barrel, the placement came to a crashing end.
Have you ever been part of an exercise where you write down ten values...then you have to let go of two...then two more...and so on until you are at a point where you are asked to choose only one key value? Choosing to end our placement was like that. I had to, very literally, decide between two values that I held very, very dear...glorifying God by caring for the orphan or protecting my own biological children. Behaviors that were unsafe began to show up with frequency and vigor. I just had an overwhelming bad feeling about where these behaviors were headed. We asked for the kids to be moved. Not a week later a big bad unsafe situation came to light and I knew that we'd made a right decision. The kids were removed unceremoniously from our home.
Having to choose between two gut level, heart level, soul level values is excruciatingly painful. My therapist says I have a trauma response to the topic of foster care. Having been a foster parent is my 9-11. The experience has left me with wounds so deep, I will never be the same again. I'm not the same person I was and am now on a much different path than I would have been otherwise.
Not everyone's experience with fostering is bad...or this bad...but it's been a painful experience for a lot of people. The statistic is that 50-60% of foster parents quit after their first placement. When I heard that statistic in training, I was a giant judgey-judgerson. But those people who quit...most of them are good people...people who love kids...people who love Jesus...and people who discovered that foster care was not just "too hard" it was the most emotionally and spiritually expensive thing they've ever done...and they are hurting.
I don't wish (necessarily) to discourage people who desire to become foster parents. But, I think there would be a whole lot less collateral damage to kids and to families if we walked into this ministry with open eyes. It's not just a little challenging or inconvenient, anyone who accuses you of giving up because it's too hard is putting you on a guilt trip. Foster care is hard as hell and if you are willing to walk in that truth and to own that, knowing that it could cost you more than you agreed to pay...then go forth and serve my friend. If, like me, your deepest desire is to serve your community for the sake of Jesus, find a different way to do that. Caring for the orphan through foster parenting is a calling...it's not meant for every ear in the congregation. Please don't let any sentimental, emotionally wrought, Bible thumping, propaganda convince you to do something that God has not asked of you.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
A Really Nice Day
We are now at the beginning of the third week of summer. I was so excited for school to be done so we could start our laid back, fun, easy summer. Unfortunately, like many things we build up in our head, it hasn't been the blissful season that I envisioned.
The first few weeks were pretty rough. We had to readjust to being together all of the time. Even three weeks in Little Brother still wakes up and asks me "where am I going today?"...wondering if it's an at-home day, a preschool day, or a Nana day. But, we're starting to get into a rhythm...and that's a good thing.
On Mondays we are getting together with my sister, her best friend (who has been part of our family for 15 years) and their preschool kiddos. Yesterday we took them to a local children's spot for some art, ecology, and lunch. Nothing really spectacular happened...but it was a really nice day.
I've been very forthcoming in sharing that motherhood has been rough for me. For most of my children's lives I have struggled with irritability, depression, disengagement, frustration, and stress. While I still have moments that are characterized by these attributes, in the last year I have become more relaxed, joyful, and engaged when it comes to my sons.
Yesterday they were well behaved, fun, and great listeners. I truly just loved watching them play and have fun with their cousins. Now, I realize that you just have to be thankful for a tantrum/drama free day...but honestly I wonder if we don't feed off of each other's attitudes. If I am tranquil and content, they seem to be less likely to get crazy. If I am agitated and barking commands through gritted teeth, it seems to ramp them up.
When I came home and recounted the day to my husband, I just had an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the gift of appreciating my children. I am dead serious when I say that this change in attitude toward my babies can only be the work of Jesus in my life. I don't mean that in a creepy, church lady, televangelist way. But, I honestly believe that Jesus uses the stuff of life to shape our hearts...the great stuff and the gross stuff.
The path that life has led me down has been rocky. I've stumbled, tripped, lost my way, and sat down to cry in despair. I believe most people have a similar story (that's why I blog...we're all in this together). The difference in my life is that I have a God that walks with me, pulls me up, redirects me, and let's me spend some time resting on glorious green hills. Yesterday, I got to sit on a hill and enjoy the view of my sweet kiddos. It was a really nice day and I appreciated it.
The first few weeks were pretty rough. We had to readjust to being together all of the time. Even three weeks in Little Brother still wakes up and asks me "where am I going today?"...wondering if it's an at-home day, a preschool day, or a Nana day. But, we're starting to get into a rhythm...and that's a good thing.
On Mondays we are getting together with my sister, her best friend (who has been part of our family for 15 years) and their preschool kiddos. Yesterday we took them to a local children's spot for some art, ecology, and lunch. Nothing really spectacular happened...but it was a really nice day.
I've been very forthcoming in sharing that motherhood has been rough for me. For most of my children's lives I have struggled with irritability, depression, disengagement, frustration, and stress. While I still have moments that are characterized by these attributes, in the last year I have become more relaxed, joyful, and engaged when it comes to my sons.
Yesterday they were well behaved, fun, and great listeners. I truly just loved watching them play and have fun with their cousins. Now, I realize that you just have to be thankful for a tantrum/drama free day...but honestly I wonder if we don't feed off of each other's attitudes. If I am tranquil and content, they seem to be less likely to get crazy. If I am agitated and barking commands through gritted teeth, it seems to ramp them up.
When I came home and recounted the day to my husband, I just had an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the gift of appreciating my children. I am dead serious when I say that this change in attitude toward my babies can only be the work of Jesus in my life. I don't mean that in a creepy, church lady, televangelist way. But, I honestly believe that Jesus uses the stuff of life to shape our hearts...the great stuff and the gross stuff.
The path that life has led me down has been rocky. I've stumbled, tripped, lost my way, and sat down to cry in despair. I believe most people have a similar story (that's why I blog...we're all in this together). The difference in my life is that I have a God that walks with me, pulls me up, redirects me, and let's me spend some time resting on glorious green hills. Yesterday, I got to sit on a hill and enjoy the view of my sweet kiddos. It was a really nice day and I appreciated it.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
High Ideals
Lately I've been struggling with my faith...particularly with regard to my church and their expectations of what the gospel centered life should look like. My church teaches that absolute selflessness is the ultimate way to follow God and that if I am not pouring my whole self out for the sake of others (sacrificing), then God is not being fully glorified. I've written on this topic before (here and here), because I really wrestle with the disconnect between what church culture is advocating and what has been my life experience.
One of my personal dysfunctions is that I actually want to live up to expectations. If the pastor says I should do something...I want to be ALL IN...I want to throw my whole self into service and be the very best sacrificer I can be. But, because I struggle with perfectionism, knowing how pitifully short I fall of that ideal causes me great shame and pain. The standard of perfect selflessness and constant sacrifice and is too high for me. I'll never reach it. In my (recent) past I've allowed the absolute impossibility of meeting this ideal to cripple my ability to live my life. My human frailty is a constant source of humiliation.
Here's the thing though, sometimes I think the church adds rules and standards where they shouldn't. Teachers and preachers often take what is meaningful or beneficial for them and make it into a mandate. Also, I think that some spiritual leaders merely posit ideals and don't fully understand that that are some of us whose brains turn those ideals into requirements for faith. In the past I have been greatly influenced to make life decisions based on what words came out of a trusted spiritual teacher's mouth. I'm older and wiser now and I've been knocked on my ass a time or two. While I wouldn't say I am jaded or cynical about church, I would say that I am more discerning and skeptical of what I am being taught on Sundays.
While some of us are asked to live spiritually grand lives of poverty, abnegation, and intense suffering, a great many more of us are asked to be sacrificial and selfless in the mundane and boring rhythm of an average life. Every day there are opportunities to give my time, money, and energy to other people. Many times I "sacrifice" without even stopping to consider it. I think that, all too often, I forget that life is lived in the moments. My life can be characterized by selflessness and sacrifice...it doesn't take a giant, gut wrenching, painful undertaking. I get to choose to love God in the choice I am making RIGHT NOW. I can chose to be selfish/self centered or to be patient, humble, or peaceful in THIS MOMENT. For me, those are easier choices to make than to decide which social justice cause to unabashedly dedicate myself to. I want to actively love God and others. In those seconds where I get to make a snap decision, I hope that desire radiates from each interaction I have with the people in my sphere of existence.
The point where the gospel comes into all of this is that...I can't even live in the moment perfectly. I will sometimes choose selfishness. I will often choose laziness. I will flounder, fail, and fall revoltingly short of the life I desire to live. That's humanity folks. God knows that. He offers a perfect substitution to permanently cover all of the nasty, sickening, selfish choices I have made/am making/will make. I can rest in that and know that no matter what lofty edicts are spouted at me from a pulpit by another human being...if I am in Christ, I am perfect.
One of my personal dysfunctions is that I actually want to live up to expectations. If the pastor says I should do something...I want to be ALL IN...I want to throw my whole self into service and be the very best sacrificer I can be. But, because I struggle with perfectionism, knowing how pitifully short I fall of that ideal causes me great shame and pain. The standard of perfect selflessness and constant sacrifice and is too high for me. I'll never reach it. In my (recent) past I've allowed the absolute impossibility of meeting this ideal to cripple my ability to live my life. My human frailty is a constant source of humiliation.
Here's the thing though, sometimes I think the church adds rules and standards where they shouldn't. Teachers and preachers often take what is meaningful or beneficial for them and make it into a mandate. Also, I think that some spiritual leaders merely posit ideals and don't fully understand that that are some of us whose brains turn those ideals into requirements for faith. In the past I have been greatly influenced to make life decisions based on what words came out of a trusted spiritual teacher's mouth. I'm older and wiser now and I've been knocked on my ass a time or two. While I wouldn't say I am jaded or cynical about church, I would say that I am more discerning and skeptical of what I am being taught on Sundays.
While some of us are asked to live spiritually grand lives of poverty, abnegation, and intense suffering, a great many more of us are asked to be sacrificial and selfless in the mundane and boring rhythm of an average life. Every day there are opportunities to give my time, money, and energy to other people. Many times I "sacrifice" without even stopping to consider it. I think that, all too often, I forget that life is lived in the moments. My life can be characterized by selflessness and sacrifice...it doesn't take a giant, gut wrenching, painful undertaking. I get to choose to love God in the choice I am making RIGHT NOW. I can chose to be selfish/self centered or to be patient, humble, or peaceful in THIS MOMENT. For me, those are easier choices to make than to decide which social justice cause to unabashedly dedicate myself to. I want to actively love God and others. In those seconds where I get to make a snap decision, I hope that desire radiates from each interaction I have with the people in my sphere of existence.
The point where the gospel comes into all of this is that...I can't even live in the moment perfectly. I will sometimes choose selfishness. I will often choose laziness. I will flounder, fail, and fall revoltingly short of the life I desire to live. That's humanity folks. God knows that. He offers a perfect substitution to permanently cover all of the nasty, sickening, selfish choices I have made/am making/will make. I can rest in that and know that no matter what lofty edicts are spouted at me from a pulpit by another human being...if I am in Christ, I am perfect.
Saturday, May 17, 2014
GF-DF-EF-PF and because it matters SF
This Monday I got the news I expected but dreaded. Since birth, my youngest son has had a fairly severe case of eczema as well chronic nasal congestion and intestinal issues. We've seen dermatologists, allergists, and his pediatrician on a regular basis. When he was 1, we had him tested for food allergies at the allergist. The results came back negative. We've tried lotions, steroids, bleach baths, Zyrtec, Hydroxozine, Zinc supplements, and all sorts of other eczema remedies. Our home has been fragrance and dye free for the last 7 years (when my Big Boy was also born with eczema). Even with all of these interventions, Little Brother's eczema is still so bad that he has scarring and is ceaselessly itching his skin. Whenever we go somewhere new or meet new people I have to explain that he isn't contagious, but that he has really bad eczema. That's tough.
Last Spring we became aware that Little Brother wasn't growing at a normal rate. He'd barely gained any weight and had only grown slightly taller. After a little research, I became concerned that our use of steroids was stunting his growth (recent research may have revealed another cause, but stunted growth is a side effect of steroid use). We visited his doctor and tried everything we could think of to help heal his poor skin besides using the steroid creams.
He continued to have a constant itchy rash on most of his body...it was worst on his little hands which were beginning to become deformed from swelling and bleeding. Finally, I decided to try taking him to my naturopath. The only reason I had been hesitant before was because it is SOOOO expensive to go to her. I personally already spend upward of $300 every time I see her. But, he was so miserable, I decided to put off my treatment and get him an appointment instead.
The morning we went to see her I could tell that she was quite concerned for him. She asked about his breathing (which has always been a little Darth Vader-ish because of his chronic congestion) and decided immediately that we would take him off of all dairy. Additionally, she ran an extensive blood test to check for food allergies. I told her that he'd been tested and his results were negative. That's when she explained to me that the traditional tests check for the kind of histamine that causes anaphylaxis, the test she was running would check for a different histamine.
After waiting 4 weeks for the test results to come back, we discovered that my son is severely allergic to Wheat (gluten), ALL dairy (even goat dairy), eggs, and peanuts. He is moderately allergic to almonds (bye bye almond milk), hazelnuts, citrus, and soy. His doctor wants him to be off of the moderate allergens for 4 months. She told me that we may get to reintroduce some of the other foods in the distant future, but that with as high as his dairy reaction was, he's likely never to be able to have it. I guess since I suspected that these would be his results, I wasn't knocked over by this new dietary revelation.
However, in anticipation of the meeting with the doctor, I mentally prepared myself. Because of my mental health patterns, I knew that I needed to find a way to avoid the overwhelmedness that so often triggers my anxiety and depression. I've decided that the best defense to is eat the elephant one bite at a time. Focusing on meal planning for TODAY...or THIS week is all that I can do. And, really that feels doable.
If I look at the big picture of what it means for my family to go Gluten Free, Dairy Free, Egg Free, Peanut Free, and Soy Free (because a lot of items replace dairy with soy and he is moderately allergic, I feel like we need to include that), I will quickly begin to feel the weight of this challenge. Going into anxiety (insane obsession) mode won't help anyone. These changes are probably life long changes. Though I immediately cleared most of the allergens out of our home, I realized that I don't have to figure EVERYTHING out right now. And truly, it feels good to have that kind of control over my mental health. I get to choose how I handle this and I am choosing to do it with a calm mind and a hopeful attitude (his skin already looks better, so that is very encouraging).
The other mental health concern I have is being labeled "one of those people". Firstly, Little Brother does not puff up and have a deadly reaction to these allergens. It's more systemic and a lot of people have a misconception of what eczema is, so making such drastic dietary changes seems overly dramatic. What most people don't understand is that eczema is not just dry skin. Little Brother's eczema is a constant, FULL BODY rash that he itches until it bleeds (and I discovered that Celiac disease shows up with a similar rash, so it very well could be that since he also has most of the symptoms of that disease). I don't enjoy the idea of being the lady who has to give the Wikipedia run down of his health issues every time the allergen topic comes up. Deciding when to educate and when to just allow people to be judgmental is going to be tough.
Secondly, some people who are gluten free or vegan are making a CHOICE about their diet. Often those people have a recruitment mindset and sermonize about their choices. That annoys me (and many others). We MUST be gluten free, vegan (no eggs, no dairy, though we still eat meat), and peanut free because our son is chronically and adversely effected by those things. Unless you are in the same health situation and are looking for solutions, it's not my job to convert you to gluten free- peanut free-meat eating veganism. Being lumped in with diet zealots makes me uncomfortable, but I have to make a conscious choice to not care. That will be tough.
Treating Little Brother's health issue is going to be a marathon and not a sprint. It will take endurance, commitment, and probably lots of tears (from both of us). I will need support from family, friends, and caretakers. But in a weird way, I feel like God giving me this situation is a chance for heart level transformation. In the past endurance has been a weakness of mine. This time, my child's health is at stake. I can't give up. I can't get overwhelmed. When the days come where it feels unbearable, I have to dig in and allow God to fill me with strength that I don't have so that I can pick myself up and keep going for the sake of my son.
Last Spring we became aware that Little Brother wasn't growing at a normal rate. He'd barely gained any weight and had only grown slightly taller. After a little research, I became concerned that our use of steroids was stunting his growth (recent research may have revealed another cause, but stunted growth is a side effect of steroid use). We visited his doctor and tried everything we could think of to help heal his poor skin besides using the steroid creams.
He continued to have a constant itchy rash on most of his body...it was worst on his little hands which were beginning to become deformed from swelling and bleeding. Finally, I decided to try taking him to my naturopath. The only reason I had been hesitant before was because it is SOOOO expensive to go to her. I personally already spend upward of $300 every time I see her. But, he was so miserable, I decided to put off my treatment and get him an appointment instead.
The morning we went to see her I could tell that she was quite concerned for him. She asked about his breathing (which has always been a little Darth Vader-ish because of his chronic congestion) and decided immediately that we would take him off of all dairy. Additionally, she ran an extensive blood test to check for food allergies. I told her that he'd been tested and his results were negative. That's when she explained to me that the traditional tests check for the kind of histamine that causes anaphylaxis, the test she was running would check for a different histamine.
After waiting 4 weeks for the test results to come back, we discovered that my son is severely allergic to Wheat (gluten), ALL dairy (even goat dairy), eggs, and peanuts. He is moderately allergic to almonds (bye bye almond milk), hazelnuts, citrus, and soy. His doctor wants him to be off of the moderate allergens for 4 months. She told me that we may get to reintroduce some of the other foods in the distant future, but that with as high as his dairy reaction was, he's likely never to be able to have it. I guess since I suspected that these would be his results, I wasn't knocked over by this new dietary revelation.
However, in anticipation of the meeting with the doctor, I mentally prepared myself. Because of my mental health patterns, I knew that I needed to find a way to avoid the overwhelmedness that so often triggers my anxiety and depression. I've decided that the best defense to is eat the elephant one bite at a time. Focusing on meal planning for TODAY...or THIS week is all that I can do. And, really that feels doable.
If I look at the big picture of what it means for my family to go Gluten Free, Dairy Free, Egg Free, Peanut Free, and Soy Free (because a lot of items replace dairy with soy and he is moderately allergic, I feel like we need to include that), I will quickly begin to feel the weight of this challenge. Going into anxiety (insane obsession) mode won't help anyone. These changes are probably life long changes. Though I immediately cleared most of the allergens out of our home, I realized that I don't have to figure EVERYTHING out right now. And truly, it feels good to have that kind of control over my mental health. I get to choose how I handle this and I am choosing to do it with a calm mind and a hopeful attitude (his skin already looks better, so that is very encouraging).
The other mental health concern I have is being labeled "one of those people". Firstly, Little Brother does not puff up and have a deadly reaction to these allergens. It's more systemic and a lot of people have a misconception of what eczema is, so making such drastic dietary changes seems overly dramatic. What most people don't understand is that eczema is not just dry skin. Little Brother's eczema is a constant, FULL BODY rash that he itches until it bleeds (and I discovered that Celiac disease shows up with a similar rash, so it very well could be that since he also has most of the symptoms of that disease). I don't enjoy the idea of being the lady who has to give the Wikipedia run down of his health issues every time the allergen topic comes up. Deciding when to educate and when to just allow people to be judgmental is going to be tough.
Secondly, some people who are gluten free or vegan are making a CHOICE about their diet. Often those people have a recruitment mindset and sermonize about their choices. That annoys me (and many others). We MUST be gluten free, vegan (no eggs, no dairy, though we still eat meat), and peanut free because our son is chronically and adversely effected by those things. Unless you are in the same health situation and are looking for solutions, it's not my job to convert you to gluten free- peanut free-meat eating veganism. Being lumped in with diet zealots makes me uncomfortable, but I have to make a conscious choice to not care. That will be tough.
Treating Little Brother's health issue is going to be a marathon and not a sprint. It will take endurance, commitment, and probably lots of tears (from both of us). I will need support from family, friends, and caretakers. But in a weird way, I feel like God giving me this situation is a chance for heart level transformation. In the past endurance has been a weakness of mine. This time, my child's health is at stake. I can't give up. I can't get overwhelmed. When the days come where it feels unbearable, I have to dig in and allow God to fill me with strength that I don't have so that I can pick myself up and keep going for the sake of my son.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Satisfaction
Over a year ago, I started the process of healing from adrenal fatigue. There have been countless positive changes to my health and well being. Lately there is a new change in my body that I am super excited about...I am getting full when I eat...and staying full until the next meal. This may be a sensation that you take for granted, but the feeling of satisfaction after a meal is a new experience for me.
Leptin is the hormone that sends signals to the brain when the stomach is full. There are several causes for leptin deficiency. Firstly, eating too much processed food too quickly is usually the impetus for leptin to start getting wacky. So, we find yet another reason why Americans keep fighting this battle with unwanted weight. As a teacher (and my whole life as a student) I have 20 minutes to eat lunch. That's it. I have to eat fast or I don't eat at all, this habit follows me as I inhale breakfast and slurp down dinner. So, the stage has been set for me to have this issue for decades.
Secondly, jacked up cortisol, zinc deficiency (which I am also being treated for), and low serotonin (depression much) can all contribute to the inability to feel full during a meal. When ya don't get full, guess what...you keep on eating...and guess what...you gain weight...and guess what... the hormones spiral more and more out of control.
With the help of my doctor, my naturopath, and my therapist, we've been working toward restoring my body to a healthier state. In the last few months I've noticed that it doesn't take nearly as much food to make me feel full. AND...if I keep pressing on after I am full, I feel AWFUL for up to a day later. This gross feeling that comes from overeating is a GIANT deterrent against cleaning my plate (or overloading it in the first place).
I haven't placed myself on a scale for months, so I'm not sure whether or not my weight is being effected by this new biological change. Whether or not my waistline responds, I am thankful for this new sign that my body is getting back into its intended balance.
NOTE: The ability to feel full has brought up some weird heart/mind issues for me...more on that a different day.
Leptin is the hormone that sends signals to the brain when the stomach is full. There are several causes for leptin deficiency. Firstly, eating too much processed food too quickly is usually the impetus for leptin to start getting wacky. So, we find yet another reason why Americans keep fighting this battle with unwanted weight. As a teacher (and my whole life as a student) I have 20 minutes to eat lunch. That's it. I have to eat fast or I don't eat at all, this habit follows me as I inhale breakfast and slurp down dinner. So, the stage has been set for me to have this issue for decades.
Secondly, jacked up cortisol, zinc deficiency (which I am also being treated for), and low serotonin (depression much) can all contribute to the inability to feel full during a meal. When ya don't get full, guess what...you keep on eating...and guess what...you gain weight...and guess what... the hormones spiral more and more out of control.
With the help of my doctor, my naturopath, and my therapist, we've been working toward restoring my body to a healthier state. In the last few months I've noticed that it doesn't take nearly as much food to make me feel full. AND...if I keep pressing on after I am full, I feel AWFUL for up to a day later. This gross feeling that comes from overeating is a GIANT deterrent against cleaning my plate (or overloading it in the first place).
I haven't placed myself on a scale for months, so I'm not sure whether or not my weight is being effected by this new biological change. Whether or not my waistline responds, I am thankful for this new sign that my body is getting back into its intended balance.
NOTE: The ability to feel full has brought up some weird heart/mind issues for me...more on that a different day.
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