High Ideals

Lately I've been struggling with my faith...particularly with regard to my church and their expectations of what the gospel centered life should look like.  My church teaches that absolute selflessness is the ultimate way to follow God and that if I am not pouring my whole self out for the sake of others (sacrificing), then God is not being fully glorified.  I've written on this topic before (here and here), because I really wrestle with the disconnect between what church culture is advocating and what has been my life experience.

One of my personal dysfunctions is that I actually want to live up to expectations.  If the pastor says I should do something...I want to be ALL IN...I want to throw my whole self into service and be the very best sacrificer I can be.  But, because I struggle with perfectionism, knowing how pitifully short I fall of that ideal causes me great shame and pain. The standard of perfect selflessness and constant sacrifice and  is too high for me.  I'll never reach it. In my (recent) past I've allowed the absolute impossibility of meeting this ideal to cripple my ability to live my life. My human frailty is a constant source of humiliation.

Here's the thing though, sometimes I think the church adds rules and standards where they shouldn't. Teachers and preachers often take what is meaningful or beneficial for them and make it into a mandate. Also, I think that some spiritual leaders merely posit ideals and don't fully understand that that are some of us whose brains turn those ideals into requirements for faith. In the past I have been greatly influenced to make life decisions based on what words came out of a trusted spiritual teacher's mouth. I'm older and wiser now and I've been knocked on my ass a time or two. While I wouldn't say I am jaded or cynical about church, I would say that I am more discerning and skeptical of what I am being taught on Sundays.

While some of us are asked to live spiritually grand lives of poverty, abnegation, and intense suffering, a great many more of us are asked to be sacrificial and selfless in the mundane and boring rhythm of an average life.   Every day there are opportunities to give my time, money, and energy to other people. Many times I "sacrifice" without even stopping to consider it.  I think that, all too often, I forget that life is lived in the moments. My life can be characterized by selflessness and sacrifice...it doesn't take a giant, gut wrenching, painful undertaking.  I get to choose to love God in the choice I am making RIGHT NOW. I can chose to be selfish/self centered or to be patient, humble, or peaceful in THIS MOMENT.  For me, those are easier choices to make than to decide which social justice cause to unabashedly dedicate myself to. I want to actively love God and others.  In those seconds where I get to make a snap decision, I hope that desire radiates from each interaction I have with the people in my sphere of existence.

The point where the gospel comes into all of this is that...I can't even live in the moment perfectly.  I will sometimes choose selfishness.  I will often choose laziness.  I will flounder, fail, and fall revoltingly short of the life I desire to live.  That's humanity folks.  God knows that.  He offers a perfect substitution to permanently cover all of the nasty, sickening, selfish choices I have made/am making/will make.  I can rest in that and know that no matter what lofty edicts are spouted at me from a pulpit by another human being...if I am in Christ, I am perfect.