Self

"So there's selfishness over here and selflessness over here...where is just SELF?" -my therapist

If you know me personally, you know that I am a GIANT proponent of talk therapy.  In my opinion, everyone could benefit from seeing a qualified, licensed therapist, even for just a short time.  My personal therapist is a woman who listens and doesn't do a lot of talking...but occasionally she will say something that strikes me in such a profound way.  

Recently, I went to my session and talked a lot about where I am right now and the struggles I am having. As I have mentioned before, I have felt really good these past few months.  But, this isn't the first time I've had a nice stretch of peace and calm in my brain.  There have been other happy, healthy seasons.  During those times, a weird compulsion pops up...and is currently showing up in small ways.

You see when life is going well, I start to feel like something is missing.  I start looking for things to add into my life...I search around for some new challenge to undertake.  Chaos, stress, and strife have been the prevalent climate in which I've lived life.  When they are absent, there is a dysfunctional longing in my mind to find a way go get back to the status quo.

In addition to this weird desire for unpleasant circumstances, all of my life there have been messages around me that say that the best way to be "right" and "good" is to be selfless.  Guarding my heart, my mind, and my energy feels like selfishness.  I have some weird hangups with regard to these two extremes in the continuum of self.  So, in order to address the brokenness in my mind, I brought this up to my therapist.

I have made a great many decisions in my life to avoid being selfish/seeming selfish.  I've maintained toxic relationships, taken on responsibilities that very much didn't fit my skill set, and pushed myself to continue in work or personal situations even when it was taking a huge toll on my mental and physical health all because I wanted to prove that I was willing to sacrifice my self for the good of others.  I desire to be "right" and "good".  I want to flesh out the love God has shown me by giving my life to others.

One of my deepest desire is to be helpful to others and I consider that a healthy, holy desire.  BUT, the problem comes when I over-serve and over-sacrifice.  Previous to this season of life, I would have said, "it's selfish to feel burnt out and want to quit." or "there's no sacrifice too big.".  In the time that I have spent healing from Foster Failure, I've come to realize that those things aren't necessarily true.  There are sacrifices that are inappropriate... FOR ME.  That's not selfish...it's just attending to myself...and protecting my self...and knowing my self...and that's OK...even though there is a whole school of theology and philosophy that will vehemently disagree with this stance.

Life is hard.  I will be called upon to choose others needs over my own.  I will be called upon to love the unlovely.  I will be called upon to give more than I think I can bear. What I am choosing NOT to do is to SEEK those "opportunities" out.  Doing so, for me, is a form of self-flagellation and a way for me to EARN God's love and PROVE to Him that His sacrifice was worth it. Right now, I have to decide that a path of intentionally and systematically choosing avenues of self sacrifice is not the correct path for me.

God made me...my self.  He has a plan for this body, this heart, this soul.  Who am I to abuse them by taking on more than I can handle to prove I am worthy?  Who am I to seek out ways of hurting my mind and body so that I can be "selfless"?  I will do the hard work that God hands me...but I'm not going looking for it anymore.