My poor little body has been sick for the last 24 hours. Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30AM with symptoms of both a stomach virus AND a head cold. Needless to say, I spent most of yesterday trying to lay very still as not to disturb my sick tummy or start a coughing fit. I barely ate or drank anything all day.
One thing I did consume from my "no-no" list was honey. Honey is an ancient remedy for many illnesses, including both stomach maladies and the common cold. To maximize the benefit of my honey, I am taking it mixed into Lemon Ginger tea...lemon and ginger are also common folk remedies. I feel dreadful and will continue taking honey until I feel better. At this time, I am confident that I am not abusing sugar. I am USING honey for it's healing power and will stop using it when I am healthy again.
Here is a link to Whole Foods page on honey http://www.whfoods.com/genpage.php?tname=foodspice&dbid=96
Full disclosure, the mainstream medical community insists that there is not enough research to support all of the claims of honey's healing properties. (Though, I have had my children "prescribed" honey as a cough suppressant by a young doctor.) Natural healers swear by it. Personally, I have experienced relief from hay fever and acute seasonal allergies by using honey. When I start getting all sniffly, I buy a small jar of local honey and eat it by the spoonful for a few days until it's gone. It works, though by the end I am sick of the taste of honey. I only have to do it two or three times a year, but it is more effective than taking OTC allergy meds for months on end.
As far as mental health is concerned, I have never experienced adverse effects of medicinally consuming honey. Likely, my body knows that I need the remedy and doesn't get freaked out by the extra sugar. Who knows?
Life Less Sweet: Documentation of my struggle with depression and anxiety.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
State of the Struggle Address
It's been almost a month since I began my endeavor to cut out sugar and simple carbs. I've won some battles and lost some battles with sugar, caffeine, simple carbs, and alcohol. But, I'm engaged in the war...and that matters!
Some positive new developments:
1. I am not CRAVING sugar nearly as badly as I have in the past.
2. I do not have the same capacity for portions as I have in the past. I am getting fuller sooner and feeling like I don't have to keep eating.
3. With the help of diet, vitamins, and medication, I am feeling much better emotionally. I've leveled off and haven't struggled with rage or obsession for the last few weeks.
4. I am enjoying the fresh and wholesome food I am preparing and so is my family!
Some things that need work:
1. After work, especially, I still DESIRE and often consume sugar. I am not CRAVING it, but it's evident that eating (and drinking) sugar has become a habit.
2. Social situations are still a struggle. I don't want to be the "I'm not eating sugar" girl. It's off putting to me when people kill my socializing buzz with their diet hangups...I don't want to come across in that light.
3. I am still in the same spot with my alcohol consumption. I've stopped drinking at home, but there are a lot of outside opportunities to imbibe. NOTE: There are no longer margaritas in my life (a sad farewell), so on the sugar front, I feel like that's a win.
4. I haven't starting exercising regularly yet. I need to discipline myself to do it...but without caffeine I've been SO tired, it's been a challenge to get motivated.
Some positive new developments:
1. I am not CRAVING sugar nearly as badly as I have in the past.
2. I do not have the same capacity for portions as I have in the past. I am getting fuller sooner and feeling like I don't have to keep eating.
3. With the help of diet, vitamins, and medication, I am feeling much better emotionally. I've leveled off and haven't struggled with rage or obsession for the last few weeks.
4. I am enjoying the fresh and wholesome food I am preparing and so is my family!
Some things that need work:
1. After work, especially, I still DESIRE and often consume sugar. I am not CRAVING it, but it's evident that eating (and drinking) sugar has become a habit.
2. Social situations are still a struggle. I don't want to be the "I'm not eating sugar" girl. It's off putting to me when people kill my socializing buzz with their diet hangups...I don't want to come across in that light.
3. I am still in the same spot with my alcohol consumption. I've stopped drinking at home, but there are a lot of outside opportunities to imbibe. NOTE: There are no longer margaritas in my life (a sad farewell), so on the sugar front, I feel like that's a win.
4. I haven't starting exercising regularly yet. I need to discipline myself to do it...but without caffeine I've been SO tired, it's been a challenge to get motivated.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
I Coulda Had A V8
These last few days have been less than stellar in fighting the good fight against sugar. I've indulged more times than are prudent. But, in this slip up, I have good news and bad news and mixed news.
Good News: I went TWO and a HALF entire days without any sugar! Then..I didn't. But, it seems that since trying to give up sugar I have developed less of a taste for it. Things that were normally DELICIOUS are now ultra sweet and not enjoyable. In addition, if something is loaded with preservatives or low quality ingredients, it just tastes putrid on my palate. Of the times I gave into sugar, only two items were worth it.
Bad News: TWO items were worth it. First, I ate a high quality designer cupcake and it was delightful. I only had 1/2 of one (and thank God that's all I could handle). Secondly, I drank a Coke. It made me happy. I expected it to be too sweet or the caffeine to get me all hopped up. Neither thing was true.
Mixed News: I don't feel great today. I've been a little agitated...not quite anxious...but certainly on edge. I also keep asking my husband if he's mad at me. He continues to say no (and get kind of irritated that I keep asking.) With my special cocktail of depression and anxiety, feeling like I am unworthy and unlovable are common filters through which I interpret relationships.
The reason this is "mixed" news and not "bad" news may not seem clear. However, for me, feeling markedly worse when eating sugar is a powerful deterrent. Yes, I overindulged...but it wasn't really worth the price I had to pay. In the wisdom that comes with experience, I am FAR less likely to bear the cost in the future.
Good News: I went TWO and a HALF entire days without any sugar! Then..I didn't. But, it seems that since trying to give up sugar I have developed less of a taste for it. Things that were normally DELICIOUS are now ultra sweet and not enjoyable. In addition, if something is loaded with preservatives or low quality ingredients, it just tastes putrid on my palate. Of the times I gave into sugar, only two items were worth it.
Bad News: TWO items were worth it. First, I ate a high quality designer cupcake and it was delightful. I only had 1/2 of one (and thank God that's all I could handle). Secondly, I drank a Coke. It made me happy. I expected it to be too sweet or the caffeine to get me all hopped up. Neither thing was true.
Mixed News: I don't feel great today. I've been a little agitated...not quite anxious...but certainly on edge. I also keep asking my husband if he's mad at me. He continues to say no (and get kind of irritated that I keep asking.) With my special cocktail of depression and anxiety, feeling like I am unworthy and unlovable are common filters through which I interpret relationships.
The reason this is "mixed" news and not "bad" news may not seem clear. However, for me, feeling markedly worse when eating sugar is a powerful deterrent. Yes, I overindulged...but it wasn't really worth the price I had to pay. In the wisdom that comes with experience, I am FAR less likely to bear the cost in the future.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
No Day Like Today
On the journey of cutting out sugar (and battling depression), I am discovering this: I can only deal with today. There is a reason why "one day at a time" is a pervasive theme in 12 Step Programs. It is rooted in Truth. The Word of God tells us not to be concerned with tomorrow...but take care of today...tomorrow will worry about itself (Matt 6:34). I heard a saying this winter..."depression is living in the past and anxiety is living in the future". For my set of life circumstances, that is 1000% accurate.
I am BAD at today. Planning is a GOOD thing that, when done properly, saves time and energy and money. I OBSESSIVELY plan. I enjoy lists...not just Today's To Do list...but year long To Do lists. I like to have a plan...a 5 year plan I am driven to anxiously worry about tomorrow under the guise of having a "plan".
I find myself losing sight of Today in two ways. First, I get so wrapped up in planning for Tomorrow that I just let Today zoom by as I check of my list of tasks...only to make a new one. The moments are cataloged and categorized and not really lived. If the list doesn't get accomplished, I slip into disappointment with myself and subsequently depression.
Secondly, ask me how much of my 5 year plans ACTUALLY get accomplished. Yeah, about 25%...MAYBE. It's not that I am not a driven woman or that I lack ambition to "go for my dreams". It's just not the path that God has led me down. The path I am on wasn't what I planned. Is it good? YES! Just...not what I planned.
As a young adult, I had a dream for my life that, as it turns out, did not really fit with my personality, my preferences, or my abilities. Instead of recognizing that I needed to tweak the plan to suit ME, I just kept beating myself up for not living up to some self imposed, ill-fitting standard of who I was supposed to be.
So as I take this year to "get better", I have to discipline my mind to stop obsessing about what I did Yesterday. When I start to mentally berate myself for eating a bowl of Lucky Charms last night, I have to literally STOP the thought. Once it's stopped I can evaluate WHY I made that choice Yesterday and be aware of that stumbling block Today.
When I find myself obsessively trying to plan out how I can manage Easter dinner (which is TWO months away) without overloading on carbs and sugar, I have to STOP the thought. Once it is stopped I can remind myself that Easter is a LONG way away and what I really need to do is choose what I am going to eat for lunch Today.
I am BAD at today. Planning is a GOOD thing that, when done properly, saves time and energy and money. I OBSESSIVELY plan. I enjoy lists...not just Today's To Do list...but year long To Do lists. I like to have a plan...a 5 year plan I am driven to anxiously worry about tomorrow under the guise of having a "plan".
I find myself losing sight of Today in two ways. First, I get so wrapped up in planning for Tomorrow that I just let Today zoom by as I check of my list of tasks...only to make a new one. The moments are cataloged and categorized and not really lived. If the list doesn't get accomplished, I slip into disappointment with myself and subsequently depression.
Secondly, ask me how much of my 5 year plans ACTUALLY get accomplished. Yeah, about 25%...MAYBE. It's not that I am not a driven woman or that I lack ambition to "go for my dreams". It's just not the path that God has led me down. The path I am on wasn't what I planned. Is it good? YES! Just...not what I planned.
As a young adult, I had a dream for my life that, as it turns out, did not really fit with my personality, my preferences, or my abilities. Instead of recognizing that I needed to tweak the plan to suit ME, I just kept beating myself up for not living up to some self imposed, ill-fitting standard of who I was supposed to be.
So as I take this year to "get better", I have to discipline my mind to stop obsessing about what I did Yesterday. When I start to mentally berate myself for eating a bowl of Lucky Charms last night, I have to literally STOP the thought. Once it's stopped I can evaluate WHY I made that choice Yesterday and be aware of that stumbling block Today.
When I find myself obsessively trying to plan out how I can manage Easter dinner (which is TWO months away) without overloading on carbs and sugar, I have to STOP the thought. Once it is stopped I can remind myself that Easter is a LONG way away and what I really need to do is choose what I am going to eat for lunch Today.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Cheater Cheater Zoloft Eater
It has been two weeks since beginning The Mood Cure plan. I found the book when I was looking for reasons for my panic attacks (since the stress from my life wasn't matching my physical response). While the panic attacks have subsided, I still find myself dealing with my depression.
Depression is a malady that I have fought against for a long while. I've probably been slightly depressed since early childhood. I bucked against a diagnosis of clinical depression in college and plowed through into early adulthood...then the babies came. Post-partum depression hit me like a freight train when I had my first child. Yet, STILL I just thought that if I worked hard enough and kept trucking through I'd feel better eventually...I didn't really. I was just used to feeling sad, guilty, paranoid, obsessed, and powerless.
After my second son was born, I found myself steeped in another episode of PPD. This time I decided to tell my doctor at my 6 week check up. She didn't hesitate to write me a prescription for Zoloft. In addition I was to find a counselor to talk to while on my medication.
OH MY GOODNESS! The difference was wonderful! I wasn't floating on some golden cloud of perpetual happiness...but I felt BETTER. SO MUCH BETTER! I saw a therapist for the first 6 months and that was so valuable. But, time went on. I didn't want to be on medication forever (and it was making me gain weight and not be able to lose it). After about 18 months I tried a week without my medicine and found I didn't feel a whole lot different...so I went off of it entirely. (there is FAR more to this story...just hittin' the highlights today). I shouldn't have...but pridefully and stubbornly I stayed off of my antidepressant for seven months. Seven gut wrenching, cry in your bed, obsessively worry, and dream of driving away as far as the road would take you MONTHS.
I didn't want to go back on medicine. ( I don't know why I feel like I have to fight it so viciously, but I do.) I found Mood Cure. There could be another way for me to treat this problem without caving to the meds! This book has SOLID nutritional information. It makes sense and I was ready to take it on. I could tell a difference...but I could also tell a difference when I hadn't been following the plan perfectly. I would be weepier if I'd had some sugar or obsessive if I'd had a glass of wine the night before.
In the book there is a whole chapter on medicine. She recommends that if you don't feel better in two weeks, to go back on your medicine. I did. I wanted to go the natural route to treat my depression. But, after crying for an hour in my minivan after getting triggered by an article on Facebook, I knew that it would be best if I continued to follow the Mood Cure plan WITH the addition of my medication (in lieu of my amino acid...you can't mix them...it's dangerous).
For some that would be some sort of defeat or failure. For me, it was a recognition that I have something wrong with my biochemistry. I can do what I can on my end to try to remedy it. But, I discovered that it wasn't enough. I need medicine...at least right now. Maybe when life looks different and I don't have two little children depending on me to be, at least, stable...maybe then I can try to go it alone again. Now...I swallow my little blue pill and thank God. Medicine is a kindness...a mercy from the hands of a Father who loves me.
PS...I haven't had any sugar today!! Yay for little victories!
Depression is a malady that I have fought against for a long while. I've probably been slightly depressed since early childhood. I bucked against a diagnosis of clinical depression in college and plowed through into early adulthood...then the babies came. Post-partum depression hit me like a freight train when I had my first child. Yet, STILL I just thought that if I worked hard enough and kept trucking through I'd feel better eventually...I didn't really. I was just used to feeling sad, guilty, paranoid, obsessed, and powerless.
After my second son was born, I found myself steeped in another episode of PPD. This time I decided to tell my doctor at my 6 week check up. She didn't hesitate to write me a prescription for Zoloft. In addition I was to find a counselor to talk to while on my medication.
OH MY GOODNESS! The difference was wonderful! I wasn't floating on some golden cloud of perpetual happiness...but I felt BETTER. SO MUCH BETTER! I saw a therapist for the first 6 months and that was so valuable. But, time went on. I didn't want to be on medication forever (and it was making me gain weight and not be able to lose it). After about 18 months I tried a week without my medicine and found I didn't feel a whole lot different...so I went off of it entirely. (there is FAR more to this story...just hittin' the highlights today). I shouldn't have...but pridefully and stubbornly I stayed off of my antidepressant for seven months. Seven gut wrenching, cry in your bed, obsessively worry, and dream of driving away as far as the road would take you MONTHS.
I didn't want to go back on medicine. ( I don't know why I feel like I have to fight it so viciously, but I do.) I found Mood Cure. There could be another way for me to treat this problem without caving to the meds! This book has SOLID nutritional information. It makes sense and I was ready to take it on. I could tell a difference...but I could also tell a difference when I hadn't been following the plan perfectly. I would be weepier if I'd had some sugar or obsessive if I'd had a glass of wine the night before.
In the book there is a whole chapter on medicine. She recommends that if you don't feel better in two weeks, to go back on your medicine. I did. I wanted to go the natural route to treat my depression. But, after crying for an hour in my minivan after getting triggered by an article on Facebook, I knew that it would be best if I continued to follow the Mood Cure plan WITH the addition of my medication (in lieu of my amino acid...you can't mix them...it's dangerous).
For some that would be some sort of defeat or failure. For me, it was a recognition that I have something wrong with my biochemistry. I can do what I can on my end to try to remedy it. But, I discovered that it wasn't enough. I need medicine...at least right now. Maybe when life looks different and I don't have two little children depending on me to be, at least, stable...maybe then I can try to go it alone again. Now...I swallow my little blue pill and thank God. Medicine is a kindness...a mercy from the hands of a Father who loves me.
PS...I haven't had any sugar today!! Yay for little victories!
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
I Have Met My Enemy...Naptime
I continue to have an intense sugar craving right after lunch. It's lasting until I take one of my supplements at 3:00. The time between lunch and 3:00 also happens to be nap time for my two year old. Whether this craving is biological or habitual remains to be seen. What is clearly evident is that it is one of the biggest obstacles for me to climb over each week day I am at home (I work 2 days a week). My willpower lasted 2 hours yesterday. Then...well..it didn't.
A few things will come into play in the next week.
1. Nap time projects will resume. I have a list longer than my arm of rooms that need to be painted and curtains that need to be sewn. Right after the toddler goes down for a nap...I start my project. I work until about 20 minutes before the kiddo wakes up. Then I clean up and move on with the day. It's hard to binge eat sugar when you are busy and your hands are covered in paint.
2. On days when I am not doing projects I plan to exercise for at least 30 minutes. I did a Jillian Micheals Wii training today. It was good. It kept me busy and I got some good brain chemistry mojo from working out.
All that to say...in the day to day...Nap time is my nemesis. I have to be strategic and smart about how I approach this time of day.
A few things will come into play in the next week.
1. Nap time projects will resume. I have a list longer than my arm of rooms that need to be painted and curtains that need to be sewn. Right after the toddler goes down for a nap...I start my project. I work until about 20 minutes before the kiddo wakes up. Then I clean up and move on with the day. It's hard to binge eat sugar when you are busy and your hands are covered in paint.
2. On days when I am not doing projects I plan to exercise for at least 30 minutes. I did a Jillian Micheals Wii training today. It was good. It kept me busy and I got some good brain chemistry mojo from working out.
All that to say...in the day to day...Nap time is my nemesis. I have to be strategic and smart about how I approach this time of day.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Powering Through
After lunch today I was overwhelmed with an intense sugar craving. For a moment I was considering giving in with a small amount of sugar. Then, as I was considering what to eat, nothing really sounded good. So, I decided to try to power through. Not 10 minutes later it had passed. A small victory, but I'll take it!
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