Oh, October! Crisp temperatures, warm cider, soft sweaters, boots, and Breast Cancer Awareness Month. And National Coming Out Day (11th). And Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. And National Squirrel Awareness Month (completely true). Here is a list of ALL of the awareness movements in October.
My theory about why October is uber-awareness month has to do with cash flow. I think that it's an easy month to raise money. The weather is great for 5ks and marathons. People haven't quite started tightening purse strings to prepare for Christmas shopping. Additionally, people seem to feel really good at the beginning of fall...I imagine that effects their compassionate giving as well.
I don't think that all of the awareness days properly belong in October. Case in point... Mental Illness Awareness Week. It is supposed to be observed the first full week of October...the year it's the 6th-12th. But, if I were to choose an awareness week it would be in January or February...when people statistically report feeling their emotional lowest. Blue Monday (the 3rd Monday of January) is a new phenomenon whereby people report being the most depressed.
Although Blue Monday is decried as a pseudoscientific date, I would be willing to wager that a large amount of people who suffer from depression would admit that January and February are the hardest months. I realize that depression is NOT the only mental illness...but it is often a SYMPTOM of many other mental illnesses. Depression is listed as a symptom (or comorbid illness) of: bipolar disorder, anxiety, schizophrenia, PTSD, anorexia, bulimia, insomnia, addiction, substance abuse, autism spectrum disorders, sadistic personality disorder...and so on and so on.
But, here we are...it's October and next week is Mental Illness Awareness Week. What are we going to do about it? First, if you suspect that you have depression, October 10th is Depression Screening Day. Get screened. You already suspect it. Get it checked out. Here is a link to an online screening...you can also search the web to find screenings in your area.
Secondly, get informed. Mental illness has lost a lot of its stigma in recent years, but there is still a lot of work to do. Here is a fact sheet on the topic of mental illness. Mental illness affects someone you love (statistically). It's not just Crazy Aunt Marge The Stinky Cat Lady. It's your mom, your uncle, your husband, your child, your coworkers, anyone.
Finally, get HELP. If YOU think you have a mental illness, tell a medical professional. They will NOT think you are crazy (and if they do, get a different doctor). A lot of mental illness are simple chemical imbalances that can be corrected or lessened by taking a tiny little pill (or sometimes even simple lifestyle changes). If you have trauma that has contributed to your mental health trouble...go see a counselor. They will NOT think you are crazy (and if you ARE crazy, don't you want someone to come alongside you and help you find your way back to sanity?). Counselors, therapists, and psychiatrists are trained to help people with mental health problems. They are FOR you.
If you think (or know) that someone you love has a mental illness, don't hate them, don't fear them, don't think you can save them...just be in relationship with them. These resources are available to you too. Ask a counselor how to best care for your husband, wife, child, dad. They have tons of coping strategies for you. Google it. Look for trustworthy sites that give information of living with a person who is mentally ill. Get informed and figure out how to navigate through life with them.
Mental Illness is a real thing that affects real people ( a LOT of people). The more we can understand how our broken brains affect our lives, the more intentional we can be about addressing that brokenness. Life will never be perfect. Things in this world are not the way they are supposed to be. But, with compassion, information, love, and grit, we can do our best to show God's kindness to our loved ones with mental illnesses.
Life Less Sweet: Documentation of my struggle with depression and anxiety.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Silencing The Voice In My Head
Ok, that title makes me sound crazier than I actually am! What I want to chat about today are the messages that we give ourselves each day and in times of failure or need.
My Inner Dialogue is mean as hell. She's the one who tells me I am a failure...that I am worthless...that no one really likes me...that I'm ugly and disgusting to behold...that God is disappointed with me, again. This voice rarely says anything positive or productive. (If she says something edifying, I get suspicious of her motives.)
The cutting words of my Inner Dialogue are not the same as the whisper of the Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit convicts me when I am wrong and brings me to repentance and peace. Inner Dialogue's job is to keep me obsessing and emotionally impotent. This is the voice that blames me for everything that goes wrong in my life. She heaps shame and guilt on me whether or not I deserve it. Her words beat my heart up and then kick me mercilessly when I am down. She wants me as far from the peace of God as possible.
One of the new tools in my toolbox of emotional well being is using positive self talk to combat my Inner Dialogue. It's an intentional conversation I have to have with myself in order to give myself an appropriate perspective. Sometimes I use words from the Bible to make her stop talking. I repeat the over and over as I find myself tensing up and clenching my jaw. "Jesus died for me when I was still His enemy and He loves me desperately...Nothing can separate me from His love." Most of the time, though, my new messages are basic and small. "I did my best, that's all I can do" or "This is NOT my fault, things just happen sometimes" or "I made a mistake, I'll do better next time".
While those might sound like dumb things to have to tell yourself, they REALLY help me. I have a very hard time forgiving myself for mistakes and missteps. Giving myself permission to forgive myself and gaining perspective on the size of the mistake allows me to get out from under the crushing weight of the accusations of Inner Dialogue.
I am sharing this as I face a "failure" this week. My "new" SUV is in the shop for the 3rd time in the month we've owned it. It's been in for several different problems, but this time they found a VERY serious and expensive problem. They tried to make us pay nearly $1,000 for the fix (which was only HALF of it). I got mad. They sold me a broken car and I wasn't going to pay for a $1,000 dollar repair 30 DAYS after I bought a car. I plead my case and they agreed to completely cover the cost of the repairs. I actually think that's fair. I shouldn't have to replace a WHOLE system a month in...that's bad business on their part. BUT...
Inner Dialogue is saying, "well, you're stupid for buying a broken car in the first place" and "you should pay for it because you're the idiot who bought the car" and "you're just trying to get something for nothing by complaining". She's wrong...and most of me understands that. In order to keep her from pushing me down I've had to actively tell myself, "you made a good choice based on the facts you had. The car had low miles, a clean Carfax, and supposedly had all of the major systems inspected and serviced" and "They sold ME a broken car... this is their problem to rectify" and "It's not pushy to communicate unfairness and stand up for yourself".
I'm dead serious when I say that I am minute by minute having to run through these messages in my mind. Inner Dialogue is relentless and constant. I won't stand for it this time. I will not allow the voice in my head to bring me low and push me into depression over a damned car. Keeping your sanity is WORK, but it's work worth doing.
My Inner Dialogue is mean as hell. She's the one who tells me I am a failure...that I am worthless...that no one really likes me...that I'm ugly and disgusting to behold...that God is disappointed with me, again. This voice rarely says anything positive or productive. (If she says something edifying, I get suspicious of her motives.)
The cutting words of my Inner Dialogue are not the same as the whisper of the Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit convicts me when I am wrong and brings me to repentance and peace. Inner Dialogue's job is to keep me obsessing and emotionally impotent. This is the voice that blames me for everything that goes wrong in my life. She heaps shame and guilt on me whether or not I deserve it. Her words beat my heart up and then kick me mercilessly when I am down. She wants me as far from the peace of God as possible.
One of the new tools in my toolbox of emotional well being is using positive self talk to combat my Inner Dialogue. It's an intentional conversation I have to have with myself in order to give myself an appropriate perspective. Sometimes I use words from the Bible to make her stop talking. I repeat the over and over as I find myself tensing up and clenching my jaw. "Jesus died for me when I was still His enemy and He loves me desperately...Nothing can separate me from His love." Most of the time, though, my new messages are basic and small. "I did my best, that's all I can do" or "This is NOT my fault, things just happen sometimes" or "I made a mistake, I'll do better next time".
While those might sound like dumb things to have to tell yourself, they REALLY help me. I have a very hard time forgiving myself for mistakes and missteps. Giving myself permission to forgive myself and gaining perspective on the size of the mistake allows me to get out from under the crushing weight of the accusations of Inner Dialogue.
I am sharing this as I face a "failure" this week. My "new" SUV is in the shop for the 3rd time in the month we've owned it. It's been in for several different problems, but this time they found a VERY serious and expensive problem. They tried to make us pay nearly $1,000 for the fix (which was only HALF of it). I got mad. They sold me a broken car and I wasn't going to pay for a $1,000 dollar repair 30 DAYS after I bought a car. I plead my case and they agreed to completely cover the cost of the repairs. I actually think that's fair. I shouldn't have to replace a WHOLE system a month in...that's bad business on their part. BUT...
Inner Dialogue is saying, "well, you're stupid for buying a broken car in the first place" and "you should pay for it because you're the idiot who bought the car" and "you're just trying to get something for nothing by complaining". She's wrong...and most of me understands that. In order to keep her from pushing me down I've had to actively tell myself, "you made a good choice based on the facts you had. The car had low miles, a clean Carfax, and supposedly had all of the major systems inspected and serviced" and "They sold ME a broken car... this is their problem to rectify" and "It's not pushy to communicate unfairness and stand up for yourself".
I'm dead serious when I say that I am minute by minute having to run through these messages in my mind. Inner Dialogue is relentless and constant. I won't stand for it this time. I will not allow the voice in my head to bring me low and push me into depression over a damned car. Keeping your sanity is WORK, but it's work worth doing.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Workin' For A Livin'
In an earlier post (link here), I outlined the many reasons why I decided to increase the time I spend working outside of my home. I’ve been back to work as a substitute teacher for about 3 weeks now. Because it’s the beginning of the year, however, I've only worked 6 out of 12 days. (Teachers don’t like to be gone the first few weeks of school and there are some blackout days around the Labor Day holiday when classroom teachers risk being docked pay if they call in.)
I’ve already seen some outcomes in the few short weeks I’ve been back to work. Here is an update on each of the areas of my life that the work-at home balance effects.
• The Endlessness: I’m going to be honest here; it has been WONDERFUL to be able to have some completion in my life. Stay at home mothering has frustrated my need to achieve. Every day I work I have a beginning, middle, and end to my day. When it’s over, I can feel confident that I did my best, leave the day behind, and go home and enjoy my family and home.
Additionally, nearly EVERY day that I have worked this quarter, other teachers/paras/aides have specifically asked me to leave my name and number so they can request me in the future. I am a really good sub and it’s so encouraging to have other professionals validate my work. I don’t say that to brag, but to contrast it with what it has felt like to be a stay at home mom. I never get good feedback for my mothering. I seldom believe that I am a really good mom. By making mothering my “vocation”, I have been lost in a sea of criticism (self, peer, societal, etc.) I still get to deal with that criticism because I am still a mother. But, by adding in another element of vocational expression, I have lowered the stakes with regard to my performance as a mom.
• Boredom: Girl, I ain’t got time to be bored! My days go SOOOO much faster now. I get up at 5:45am, get myself ready, team up with my husband to get the kids ready, drop Little Brother off at preschool or Nana’s house and go to school. I’m there until 3:30. From there I usually run to the store or run another errand, go pick up the kids, head home, cook dinner, hang out with kiddos, clean up from dinner, do bedtime, hang out with my husband, take a shower, and go to bed at 10:30. It’s a FULL day. I don’t mind busy-ness as long as it feels productive and well managed.
One thing that has been a little different is that I am making a conscious effort to keep my evenings free. My time with my kids is much more precious to me now. I only have a few hours with them each evening and I want to enjoy them and love on them…hear about their days. As a vocational mom, evenings were a chance to get out of the house and have some adult time. I’m getting that need met at work now, so now I have to guard my time with my boys.
• Extrovert Needs: I get to talk to new people every day. There are children, staff, faculty, and parents that I have the opportunity to engage each day that I work. I’m not developing deep and meaningful relationships…I already have those. What I need is an outlet to express my extroversion…to use my words…to make connections with human beings each day…to be part of a larger whole. I am most assuredly not feeling very lonely right now.
Even though the general trajectory of this endeavor is positive, not everything is 100% awesome. Little Brother wails pitifully every morning that I drop him off at school and it breaks my heart(even though he loves it once he's been there for about 10 minutes) and every night at dinner he tells me he missed me and cried for me at school. But, any guilt I feel when he cries at preschool drop off is balanced by the knowledge that I am doing this for him…for his brother…for our whole family. Yes, adding more work days into my schedule is about me and getting some of my needs met. In the grander scheme, though, I need to have my needs met so that I have a full cup to pour out into them. I’m not worn out from the endlessness, boredom, and loneliness. I’m free to give them my full attention and energy in the little window of time we have together. My heart is lighter and there is joy in my smile again. That joy comes from honoring the way I was created instead of trying to push myself into some role that just doesn’t fit the shape of my soul.
I’ve already seen some outcomes in the few short weeks I’ve been back to work. Here is an update on each of the areas of my life that the work-at home balance effects.
• The Endlessness: I’m going to be honest here; it has been WONDERFUL to be able to have some completion in my life. Stay at home mothering has frustrated my need to achieve. Every day I work I have a beginning, middle, and end to my day. When it’s over, I can feel confident that I did my best, leave the day behind, and go home and enjoy my family and home.
Additionally, nearly EVERY day that I have worked this quarter, other teachers/paras/aides have specifically asked me to leave my name and number so they can request me in the future. I am a really good sub and it’s so encouraging to have other professionals validate my work. I don’t say that to brag, but to contrast it with what it has felt like to be a stay at home mom. I never get good feedback for my mothering. I seldom believe that I am a really good mom. By making mothering my “vocation”, I have been lost in a sea of criticism (self, peer, societal, etc.) I still get to deal with that criticism because I am still a mother. But, by adding in another element of vocational expression, I have lowered the stakes with regard to my performance as a mom.
• Boredom: Girl, I ain’t got time to be bored! My days go SOOOO much faster now. I get up at 5:45am, get myself ready, team up with my husband to get the kids ready, drop Little Brother off at preschool or Nana’s house and go to school. I’m there until 3:30. From there I usually run to the store or run another errand, go pick up the kids, head home, cook dinner, hang out with kiddos, clean up from dinner, do bedtime, hang out with my husband, take a shower, and go to bed at 10:30. It’s a FULL day. I don’t mind busy-ness as long as it feels productive and well managed.
One thing that has been a little different is that I am making a conscious effort to keep my evenings free. My time with my kids is much more precious to me now. I only have a few hours with them each evening and I want to enjoy them and love on them…hear about their days. As a vocational mom, evenings were a chance to get out of the house and have some adult time. I’m getting that need met at work now, so now I have to guard my time with my boys.
• Extrovert Needs: I get to talk to new people every day. There are children, staff, faculty, and parents that I have the opportunity to engage each day that I work. I’m not developing deep and meaningful relationships…I already have those. What I need is an outlet to express my extroversion…to use my words…to make connections with human beings each day…to be part of a larger whole. I am most assuredly not feeling very lonely right now.
Even though the general trajectory of this endeavor is positive, not everything is 100% awesome. Little Brother wails pitifully every morning that I drop him off at school and it breaks my heart(even though he loves it once he's been there for about 10 minutes) and every night at dinner he tells me he missed me and cried for me at school. But, any guilt I feel when he cries at preschool drop off is balanced by the knowledge that I am doing this for him…for his brother…for our whole family. Yes, adding more work days into my schedule is about me and getting some of my needs met. In the grander scheme, though, I need to have my needs met so that I have a full cup to pour out into them. I’m not worn out from the endlessness, boredom, and loneliness. I’m free to give them my full attention and energy in the little window of time we have together. My heart is lighter and there is joy in my smile again. That joy comes from honoring the way I was created instead of trying to push myself into some role that just doesn’t fit the shape of my soul.
Monday, September 2, 2013
State Of The Struggle Address: September 2013
It's been over nine months since I began my intentional endeavor to work on my mental/physical health. Since then I've learned more about my body and what makes it work/not work. Many of the modifications I've made to my lifestyle have been easy to maintain...others...not so much. What's most exciting is that I am beginning to be OK with realizing that transforming my life to promote optimal physical and mental health is going to be a marathon and not a sprint.
Some positive new developments:
1. I pretty much do not eat nightshade vegetables, potatoes, wheat based pasta, dairy (except my allowed cheeses and yogurt) pork, red meat, or shellfish...EVER. They're on my list of items not to consume...and I've avoided them except for the odd occasion.
2. For the most part I've eliminated beer and mixed drinks from my diet. I've also cut out most soft drinks. My sister introduced me to a lightly flavored seltzer water that is a great substitute for soda and has no sugar or artificial flavorings.
3. My depression is MUCH MUCH better. I've been taking my medicine religiously and working very hard to avoid stress (although it finds me!). I'm hardly ever manifesting rage and have been able to enjoy my family in a more complete way.
4. School has started and I am back to work. The new rhythm that my family is finding seems very positive.
Some things that need work:
1. After work, especially, I still DESIRE and often consume extra food. I am not really hungry or craving anything, it's just a habit...kind of an exhale from my day. I'm trying to combat this by packing a healthy (but desirable) snack in my lunch for after school
2. I've gotten back into the sugar habit again (and refined flour buns for hot dogs and burgers...turkey of course). I was doing so well. I don't even really want it anymore, it's just a habit, like muscle memory. The only thing I can do about it at this point is to pray and to try my best to form new habits to take the place of eating sugar.
3. I haven't starting exercising regularly yet. My husband just helped to clear the space for my at-home yoga studio this weekend. At 9:00pm, I plan to go upstairs to do 30 min of yoga each weeknight. It should help me unwind and get ready for bed. I was supposed to try and fit yoga in between work and picking the kids up from school, but yoga isn't going to fit into the schedule at that time.
4. I'm having physical anxiety symptoms. My mind is fine and I am not really actively worrying about anything, but my body is still taking a hit whenever stress presents itself. I think yoga and meditation will help.
So, that's what's going on in my fight to stay sane and healthy. Overall, I am happy with how things are going. Yes, there are things that need improvement, but I'll do what I can and continue on this journey one choice at a time.
Some positive new developments:
1. I pretty much do not eat nightshade vegetables, potatoes, wheat based pasta, dairy (except my allowed cheeses and yogurt) pork, red meat, or shellfish...EVER. They're on my list of items not to consume...and I've avoided them except for the odd occasion.
2. For the most part I've eliminated beer and mixed drinks from my diet. I've also cut out most soft drinks. My sister introduced me to a lightly flavored seltzer water that is a great substitute for soda and has no sugar or artificial flavorings.
3. My depression is MUCH MUCH better. I've been taking my medicine religiously and working very hard to avoid stress (although it finds me!). I'm hardly ever manifesting rage and have been able to enjoy my family in a more complete way.
4. School has started and I am back to work. The new rhythm that my family is finding seems very positive.
Some things that need work:
1. After work, especially, I still DESIRE and often consume extra food. I am not really hungry or craving anything, it's just a habit...kind of an exhale from my day. I'm trying to combat this by packing a healthy (but desirable) snack in my lunch for after school
2. I've gotten back into the sugar habit again (and refined flour buns for hot dogs and burgers...turkey of course). I was doing so well. I don't even really want it anymore, it's just a habit, like muscle memory. The only thing I can do about it at this point is to pray and to try my best to form new habits to take the place of eating sugar.
3. I haven't starting exercising regularly yet. My husband just helped to clear the space for my at-home yoga studio this weekend. At 9:00pm, I plan to go upstairs to do 30 min of yoga each weeknight. It should help me unwind and get ready for bed. I was supposed to try and fit yoga in between work and picking the kids up from school, but yoga isn't going to fit into the schedule at that time.
4. I'm having physical anxiety symptoms. My mind is fine and I am not really actively worrying about anything, but my body is still taking a hit whenever stress presents itself. I think yoga and meditation will help.
So, that's what's going on in my fight to stay sane and healthy. Overall, I am happy with how things are going. Yes, there are things that need improvement, but I'll do what I can and continue on this journey one choice at a time.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Timing Is Everything
NOTE: Because I have a handful of small ideas to communicate, I'm posting in bullet form today! Yay! All of the bullets are tied together by the concept of timing.
Most of us have had experience with good timing, bad timing, tragic timing, etc. It's weird how our perception of an event can change around it's relation to timing. Here are a few things going on in my world that are effected by timing.
Most of us have had experience with good timing, bad timing, tragic timing, etc. It's weird how our perception of an event can change around it's relation to timing. Here are a few things going on in my world that are effected by timing.
- My naturopath and I chatted about the timing of one of my supplements. I had been taking it in the morning and then again around 3:00, but I was getting REALLY sleepy around dinner time. We changed the 2nd dose to bed time. HUGE difference. I am falling asleep more easily and waking up with more pep than normal. Timing
- Last week some stress came into our lives in the form of a 2nd van break in (in a 30 day span). Timing. We woke up at 3am to the sound of our car alarm and went outside to find the window smashed to a billion pieces and the window frame bent out of shape. The previous break in had resulted in a missing ignition and busted steering column. Needless to say we had to spend tons of money on repairs. Though the anti theft features of our vehicle were preventing theft, the thieves were still able to make two, big, expensive messes in the meantime.
- In order to prevent further damage, we decided it was prudent to trade our big, lovely van in for something that fit into our small garage. This was a tough call as we had JUST paid off the van in June. The trade in value is MUCH, MUCH less than the pay off value, so it feels like we threw away our money paying off the van. I don't think that the trade in value of the van would have been such a slap in the face if we hadn't JUST paid it off. Timing.
- My former foster kids are going to be at church this Sunday (some friends at church are providing respite for them). While we will be upbeat and positive when we see them, I have no idea what this is going to do to me on the inside. I shared in a previous post that our foster placement was pretty rough and the end was even rougher. I'm just starting to feel better and take some intentional steps to accept grace. It's impossible to know what impact this will have until it happens. On the flip side, it's been over a year since we've seen them. If they had attended church at any time before this, I can be QUITE certain that I would need to be hospitalized for a nervous breakdown. Timing.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Stress Test
The reason why I am and will likely always be a pessimist is because of seasons like the one my little family is in right now. Having recently been diagnosed with adrenal fatigue, I've been making a concerted effort to avoid excess stress. But, I'll be danged if stress doesn't always FIND me.
The last 2-3 weeks have been filled with busyness, traveling, organizing and hosting children's birthday parties, dealing with (and paying for) property crime for the 2nd time this summer, getting both boys back to school, managing tired and emotional kids who just went back on a school schedule, adjusting to my husband starting a new job (with longer hours) on the same day my Big Boy started school, researching new cars, stressing about car payments and trade in value, preparing to start work again, necessary craft projects with short deadlines, and blah, blah, blah, and so on and so on. Adrenal fatigue makes my threshold of stress much lower than the average person. So, even though there is nothing major going on, I am feeling stressed. It seems like all of these minor stresses just keep layering on top of one another until I find myself oppressed by stressed. When I stop and think about all of the things that need my energy I get very overwhelmed. I wonder WHY I can't get a break.
Now, I'm doing a lot of work with positive self talk and trying to manage my stress level. My mind and heart are feeling good (mostly, my sister has had to talk me down a time...or five). However, even if I am feeling really capable and confident that I can handle what's on my plate (so to speak) my body betrays me. I have trouble breathing and get strange and disconcerting pains. My shoulders tense, my jaw clenches, my face scrunches, and I begin to feel symptoms of anxiety.
It's very ironic that I am engaged in a battle to stay peaceful and calm...what I weird thing to FIGHT for. But, I have to. I am unwell and unhappy and refuse to keep living this way. There are a few strategies which have been beneficial in helping me guide my body through this season of stress.
First, I'm trying not to hold my breath. Being an intentional and deep breather does not some naturally to a person with anxiety. Additionally, I am consciously relaxing my face. I am always shocked at how tense my face is...like, ALL the time. Releasing my skull muscles' kung fu grip tends to send a signal to the rest of my body to relax. Finally, I am remembering that I am cared for by God. We were blessed to have the means to pay for two different crime related car repairs. It is the provision of God that my husband and I are both employed. We have always been taken care of, through every storm (great or small) we have weathered in our 9 years together. I can say nice things to myself all day (and it DOES help) but reflecting on the faithfulness of God is the most potent positive self talk I can engage in. Counting my blessings has an uplifting and quieting effect on my steely muscles.
Stress is life. True story. Learning how to manage my mind and my body are my ways of insuring that the stress of life doesn't make me a joyless bundle of crazy for the rest of my days.
The last 2-3 weeks have been filled with busyness, traveling, organizing and hosting children's birthday parties, dealing with (and paying for) property crime for the 2nd time this summer, getting both boys back to school, managing tired and emotional kids who just went back on a school schedule, adjusting to my husband starting a new job (with longer hours) on the same day my Big Boy started school, researching new cars, stressing about car payments and trade in value, preparing to start work again, necessary craft projects with short deadlines, and blah, blah, blah, and so on and so on. Adrenal fatigue makes my threshold of stress much lower than the average person. So, even though there is nothing major going on, I am feeling stressed. It seems like all of these minor stresses just keep layering on top of one another until I find myself oppressed by stressed. When I stop and think about all of the things that need my energy I get very overwhelmed. I wonder WHY I can't get a break.
Now, I'm doing a lot of work with positive self talk and trying to manage my stress level. My mind and heart are feeling good (mostly, my sister has had to talk me down a time...or five). However, even if I am feeling really capable and confident that I can handle what's on my plate (so to speak) my body betrays me. I have trouble breathing and get strange and disconcerting pains. My shoulders tense, my jaw clenches, my face scrunches, and I begin to feel symptoms of anxiety.
It's very ironic that I am engaged in a battle to stay peaceful and calm...what I weird thing to FIGHT for. But, I have to. I am unwell and unhappy and refuse to keep living this way. There are a few strategies which have been beneficial in helping me guide my body through this season of stress.
First, I'm trying not to hold my breath. Being an intentional and deep breather does not some naturally to a person with anxiety. Additionally, I am consciously relaxing my face. I am always shocked at how tense my face is...like, ALL the time. Releasing my skull muscles' kung fu grip tends to send a signal to the rest of my body to relax. Finally, I am remembering that I am cared for by God. We were blessed to have the means to pay for two different crime related car repairs. It is the provision of God that my husband and I are both employed. We have always been taken care of, through every storm (great or small) we have weathered in our 9 years together. I can say nice things to myself all day (and it DOES help) but reflecting on the faithfulness of God is the most potent positive self talk I can engage in. Counting my blessings has an uplifting and quieting effect on my steely muscles.
Stress is life. True story. Learning how to manage my mind and my body are my ways of insuring that the stress of life doesn't make me a joyless bundle of crazy for the rest of my days.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Cicada Song: My First Days As A Mother
Here in the Midwest, you know it's August when you hear the omnipresent song of the cicada. Click HERE for audio if you are unfamiliar with this sound. These insects begin chirping toward the end of July, but by August every hour of the day is filled with their loud hum. To be honest, until I was 25, it never really left an impression on me. But, that year, my first son was born at the beginning of August. Cicadas then became part of my story.
I won't go into the birth story except to say it was a good birth. At 4:14pm I delivered a 10lb. 6oz baby boy. After he was out of my womb they placed him on my chest and all I could think was "Oh.My.God. I have a baby. What am I going to do with a baby?"
Those few days in the hospital were filled with sleeplessness, learning about breastfeeding (and supplementation), diapering, and lots of paper work. Then, it was time to go home. As much as I hated being in the hospital, I just didn't know what I was going to do with him once we got him home.
I wish I could say once I got my new little (read very large) bundle into the house, all of that uncertainty melted away. It didn't, it actually got worse as I crept into the mouth of the hole that is post-partum depression and anxiety those first few weeks. He cried all the time because he was hungry. Being such a big boy, he was eating every hour FOR an hour. I had to have my husband hold him and walk around trying to soothe him while I took a break from nursing to eat, drink, and use the bathroom. He was also the most awake newborn. He barely slept during the day...all he did was nurse. It was terrible. I had called the lactation hotline 4-5 times. His visits with the pediatrician hadn't gone well because he wasn't gaining weight. Everything was exhausting and stressful and hard. I remember falling into a heap on the floor by the bed (a few times) and with heaving sobs cry, over and over, "I don't know what to do with him!!"
The agony of post-partum depression continued. After having my son hospitalized for failure to regain birth weight, I decided to stop breastfeeding for the sake of my mental health. The depression and anxiety associated with his failure to gain weight was causing me to be unable to bond with him. Whenever he cried I just wanted to shake him. I even hated the smell of him. So, in order to save myself from myself, I put a bottle in my baby's mouth.
During this tense and literally insane time, I did find one way to quiet my screaming baby and give myself the breather I needed. When I just couldn't take it anymore, I took my baby outside and sat. He stopped crying as soon as we stepped out onto the deck. I could see him listening to the hum of the cicadas. It worked every time! My husband kept saying "we can't take him outside every time he cries." I thought, "Like hell I can't!" I took him onto the porch as much as possible.
That constant whir of insect voices gave me the only rest I felt in those first few weeks. I felt confident that I knew ONE thing that would help my baby...ONE thing that made him happy. It might have been small and not really all that beneficial to his overall health, but he liked it and I KNEW that about him. Thus, I took my first teensy steps into the world of motherhood.
My son is turning 6 this week. And bless him...he's had to suffer through 6 years of mommy's "angries" (how I explained my depression to him). I wish I would have been brave enough to get help for my depression when he was a baby. I didn't take that step until after my 2nd son was born (and my first one was 3). But, because God is gracious and merciful and kind, my son and I now enjoy a very close relationship.
I get to have a relationship with a special boy who is smart and inventive...sweet and thoughtful...imaginative and filled with wonder. He is a "sensitive". He is strong, strong willed, and endlessly energetic. He gives wonderful hugs and soft sweet kisses on the cheek. I love him more than I love my own life.
On those first days of August when I hear the cicadas sing, I am whisked back to those first days of pain and sadness...but then I reach over and hug my Big Boy and tell him the sweet story about when he was a giant baby and would only stop crying for the cicadas. He giggles. And we silently exchange love between our hearts.
I won't go into the birth story except to say it was a good birth. At 4:14pm I delivered a 10lb. 6oz baby boy. After he was out of my womb they placed him on my chest and all I could think was "Oh.My.God. I have a baby. What am I going to do with a baby?"
Those few days in the hospital were filled with sleeplessness, learning about breastfeeding (and supplementation), diapering, and lots of paper work. Then, it was time to go home. As much as I hated being in the hospital, I just didn't know what I was going to do with him once we got him home.
I wish I could say once I got my new little (read very large) bundle into the house, all of that uncertainty melted away. It didn't, it actually got worse as I crept into the mouth of the hole that is post-partum depression and anxiety those first few weeks. He cried all the time because he was hungry. Being such a big boy, he was eating every hour FOR an hour. I had to have my husband hold him and walk around trying to soothe him while I took a break from nursing to eat, drink, and use the bathroom. He was also the most awake newborn. He barely slept during the day...all he did was nurse. It was terrible. I had called the lactation hotline 4-5 times. His visits with the pediatrician hadn't gone well because he wasn't gaining weight. Everything was exhausting and stressful and hard. I remember falling into a heap on the floor by the bed (a few times) and with heaving sobs cry, over and over, "I don't know what to do with him!!"
The agony of post-partum depression continued. After having my son hospitalized for failure to regain birth weight, I decided to stop breastfeeding for the sake of my mental health. The depression and anxiety associated with his failure to gain weight was causing me to be unable to bond with him. Whenever he cried I just wanted to shake him. I even hated the smell of him. So, in order to save myself from myself, I put a bottle in my baby's mouth.
During this tense and literally insane time, I did find one way to quiet my screaming baby and give myself the breather I needed. When I just couldn't take it anymore, I took my baby outside and sat. He stopped crying as soon as we stepped out onto the deck. I could see him listening to the hum of the cicadas. It worked every time! My husband kept saying "we can't take him outside every time he cries." I thought, "Like hell I can't!" I took him onto the porch as much as possible.
That constant whir of insect voices gave me the only rest I felt in those first few weeks. I felt confident that I knew ONE thing that would help my baby...ONE thing that made him happy. It might have been small and not really all that beneficial to his overall health, but he liked it and I KNEW that about him. Thus, I took my first teensy steps into the world of motherhood.
My son is turning 6 this week. And bless him...he's had to suffer through 6 years of mommy's "angries" (how I explained my depression to him). I wish I would have been brave enough to get help for my depression when he was a baby. I didn't take that step until after my 2nd son was born (and my first one was 3). But, because God is gracious and merciful and kind, my son and I now enjoy a very close relationship.
I get to have a relationship with a special boy who is smart and inventive...sweet and thoughtful...imaginative and filled with wonder. He is a "sensitive". He is strong, strong willed, and endlessly energetic. He gives wonderful hugs and soft sweet kisses on the cheek. I love him more than I love my own life.
On those first days of August when I hear the cicadas sing, I am whisked back to those first days of pain and sadness...but then I reach over and hug my Big Boy and tell him the sweet story about when he was a giant baby and would only stop crying for the cicadas. He giggles. And we silently exchange love between our hearts.
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