Workin' For A Livin'

In an earlier post (link here), I outlined the many reasons why I decided to increase the time I spend working outside of my home. I’ve been back to work as a substitute teacher for about 3 weeks now. Because it’s the beginning of the year, however, I've only worked 6 out of 12 days. (Teachers don’t like to be gone the first few weeks of school and there are some blackout days around the Labor Day holiday when classroom teachers risk being docked pay if they call in.)

I’ve already seen some outcomes in the few short weeks I’ve been back to work. Here is an update on each of the areas of my life that the work-at home balance effects.

• The Endlessness: I’m going to be honest here; it has been WONDERFUL to be able to have some completion in my life. Stay at home mothering has frustrated my need to achieve. Every day I work I have a beginning, middle, and end to my day. When it’s over, I can feel confident that I did my best, leave the day behind, and go home and enjoy my family and home.

Additionally, nearly EVERY day that I have worked this quarter, other teachers/paras/aides have specifically asked me to leave my name and number so they can request me in the future. I am a really good sub and it’s so encouraging to have other professionals validate my work. I don’t say that to brag, but to contrast it with what it has felt like to be a stay at home mom. I never get good feedback for my mothering. I seldom believe that I am a really good mom. By making mothering my “vocation”, I have been lost in a sea of criticism (self, peer, societal, etc.) I still get to deal with that criticism because I am still a mother. But, by adding in another element of vocational expression, I have lowered the stakes with regard to my performance as a mom.

• Boredom: Girl, I ain’t got time to be bored! My days go SOOOO much faster now. I get up at 5:45am, get myself ready, team up with my husband to get the kids ready, drop Little Brother off at preschool or Nana’s house and go to school. I’m there until 3:30. From there I usually run to the store or run another errand, go pick up the kids, head home, cook dinner, hang out with kiddos, clean up from dinner, do bedtime, hang out with my husband, take a shower, and go to bed at 10:30. It’s a FULL day. I don’t mind busy-ness as long as it feels productive and well managed.

One thing that has been a little different is that I am making a conscious effort to keep my evenings free. My time with my kids is much more precious to me now. I only have a few hours with them each evening and I want to enjoy them and love on them…hear about their days. As a vocational mom, evenings were a chance to get out of the house and have some adult time. I’m getting that need met at work now, so now I have to guard my time with my boys.

• Extrovert Needs: I get to talk to new people every day. There are children, staff, faculty, and parents that I have the opportunity to engage each day that I work. I’m not developing deep and meaningful relationships…I already have those. What I need is an outlet to express my extroversion…to use my words…to make connections with human beings each day…to be part of a larger whole. I am most assuredly not feeling very lonely right now.

Even though the general trajectory of this endeavor is positive, not everything is 100% awesome. Little Brother wails pitifully every morning that I drop him off at school and it breaks my heart(even though he loves it once he's been there for about 10 minutes) and every night at dinner he tells me he missed me and cried for me at school. But, any guilt I feel when he cries at preschool drop off is balanced by the knowledge that I am doing this for him…for his brother…for our whole family. Yes, adding more work days into my schedule is about me and getting some of my needs met. In the grander scheme, though, I need to have my needs met so that I have a full cup to pour out into them. I’m not worn out from the endlessness, boredom, and loneliness. I’m free to give them my full attention and energy in the little window of time we have together. My heart is lighter and there is joy in my smile again. That joy comes from honoring the way I was created instead of trying to push myself into some role that just doesn’t fit the shape of my soul.