Silencing The Voice In My Head

Ok, that title makes me sound crazier than I actually am!  What I want to chat about today are the messages that we give ourselves each day and in times of failure or need. 

My Inner Dialogue is mean as hell.  She's the one who tells me I am a failure...that I am worthless...that no one really likes me...that I'm ugly and disgusting to behold...that God is disappointed with me, again.  This voice rarely says anything positive or productive.   (If she says something edifying, I get suspicious of her motives.) 

The cutting words of my Inner Dialogue are not the same as the whisper of the Holy Spirit.  Holy Spirit convicts me when I am wrong and brings me to repentance and peace.  Inner Dialogue's job is to keep me obsessing and emotionally impotent.  This is the voice that blames me for everything that goes wrong in my life.  She heaps shame and guilt on me whether or not I deserve it.  Her words beat my heart up and then kick me mercilessly when I am down.  She wants me as far from the peace of God as possible.

One of the new tools in my toolbox of emotional well being is using positive self talk to combat my Inner Dialogue.  It's an intentional conversation I have to have with myself in order to give myself an appropriate perspective.  Sometimes I use words from the Bible to make her stop talking.  I repeat the over and over as I find myself tensing up and clenching my jaw.  "Jesus died for me when I was still His enemy and He loves me desperately...Nothing can separate me from His love."  Most of the time, though, my new messages are basic and small.  "I did my best, that's all I can do" or "This is NOT my fault, things just happen sometimes" or "I made a mistake, I'll do better next time". 

While those might sound like dumb things to have to tell yourself, they REALLY help me.  I have a very hard time forgiving myself for mistakes and missteps.  Giving myself permission to forgive myself and gaining perspective on the size of the mistake allows me to get out from under the crushing weight of the accusations of Inner Dialogue.

I am sharing this as I face a "failure" this week.  My "new" SUV is in the shop for the 3rd time in the month we've owned it.  It's been in for several different problems, but this time they found a VERY serious and expensive problem.  They tried to make us pay nearly $1,000 for the fix (which was only HALF of it).  I got mad.  They sold me a broken car and I wasn't going to pay for a $1,000 dollar repair 30 DAYS after I bought a car.  I plead my case and they agreed to completely cover the cost of the repairs.  I actually think that's fair.  I shouldn't have to replace a WHOLE system a month in...that's bad business on their part.  BUT...

Inner Dialogue is saying, "well, you're stupid for buying a broken car in the first place" and "you should pay for it because you're the idiot who bought the car" and "you're just trying to get something for nothing by complaining".  She's wrong...and most of me understands that.  In order to keep her from pushing me down I've had to actively tell myself, "you made a good choice based on the facts you had.  The car had low miles, a clean Carfax, and supposedly had all of the major systems inspected and serviced" and "They sold ME a broken car... this is their problem to rectify" and "It's not pushy to communicate unfairness and stand up for yourself". 

I'm dead serious when I say that I am minute by minute having to run through these messages in my mind.  Inner Dialogue is relentless and constant.  I won't stand for it this time. I will not allow the voice in my head to bring me low and push me into depression over a damned car.  Keeping your sanity is WORK, but it's work worth doing.