10th Anniversary Countdown- Day 10

In a few short days my husband and I will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. 10!  A decade! 10% of a century! To celebrate this milestone, I decided to do a series of blog posts that are honest and authentic about marriage. There are a lot of things people don't tell you about being married...good things...funny things...challenging things...impossible things. I feel that withholding our stories from other people is unfair and unkind. So, I'm going to let this blog do what it does and share "the good, the bad, and the gray area" of being married.


COUNTDOWN: Day 10

As I reflect upon my nearly ten years of wedded bliss, I have this recurring thought...who in THE HELL let me get married when I was only 23 years old!!! This decision was permanent, final, forever...and I made it when I was a mere child! Yes, I had graduated college. Yes, I had a career. Yes, I lived on my own. But, 23!?!?  What did I know?!

I certainly didn't know my husband on a deep, intimate level. We only dated for 8 months before becoming engaged. Because we are Christians, we chose not to cohabitate or engage in...uh...sexual congress before marriage. That meant I only knew my groom-to-be through the dance that is dating.

Dating has been equated to a job interview. I get that. You try to present your best self, have correct answers, and seem extraordinarily appealing to your prospective spouse. Thankfully, the man I chose completely lacks guile. He was as honest with me about himself as he was able to be under the circumstances. So through dating, I was able to determine that he was a kind, generous, wise, helpful, faithful, brainy, strapping, nerd of a man...most of the things I was looking for in lifelong mate.

During the dating dance, I tried my best to be honest (well, honest-ish). In previous relationships, I had either adapted myself to highlight the qualities that my gentleman friend admired or had projected a persona to protect myself from rejection (sometimes a mix of both). In doing this, I wasn't TRYING to be dishonest, I just didn't know myself very well at all. But, I knew THIS man that I was dating was a potential keeper.

Because I didn't want to bait and switch him, I was very deliberate about being myself around him.  For instance when he disclosed that he was into Christian techno music, I wasn't all, "Oh, how fascinating! Tell me more about it." Instead I calmly and gently said, "You're a weird man and I would prefer not to listen to that genre of music when I am around, it grates on my nerves."  When he told me he didn't drink, I didn't say, "Oh yeah, me neither. I'm no godless heathen!" I was honest about my beliefs about moderation. I forced myself to give real answers even when it would have been in my best interest to pretend that I was a perfectly Baptist, well adjusted, genteel, young woman.

Even though we were both dedicated to honesty (though, there were some eleventh hour disclosures to be sure), there are things you CAN'T know about another person until you live with them. There are weird familial norms, gross habits, and annoying quirks that can only surface when you are in close enough proximity to no longer be able to be on your best behavior.  And as much as living in close proximity can reveal...adversity is the force that most efficiently compels the "real" you show through (more on that in another post).

But, because I was so young, I was not well acquainted with the "real" me. So when rough stuff happened, I was just as surprised at my brokenness as my husband was. I knew that I had some issues, but I honest to God did not know how deeply the dysfunction ran in my heart and mind. I was also surprised when I handled things with grace and ease. There were some unknown strengths within me that turned out to be vital for my marriage to work...I didn't know they were there because I'd never needed to use them outside of marriage.

I also discovered, sometimes the "real" me is kind of a fluid concept. Yes, there are always core values and deep convictions that are unchanging, but many of my preferences and gray area beliefs have shifted according to wisdom, life experience, season of life, and just a simple change of the mind.

There was a vast sea of things that I did not know when I was 23 years old. Here's what I did know...I knew the best way to choose a mate was by the strength of his character. I possessed enough wisdom to pick a kind, generous, wise, helpful, faithful, brainy, strapping, nerd of a man. Maybe I did know a thing or two when I was 23.