Fit

Since I was in college, God has taught me important spiritual concepts using the method of  the thematic unit. For the non-educators who may be reading this, a thematic unit is a when all of the lessons for each individual subject (math, science, language) are tied together by a certain topic.  So, if your topic is The Solar System, your math would be calculating light years or distances.  Science would be researching planets and other components of the Solar System. Students would write a report about a planet for the Language component and so on.  I'm not sure why God uses this method for me, but it has been effective over the years.  I don't realize we are in a thematic unit until I start to see concepts repeating themselves in different spheres of my life.

A few units we've covered are Trust, Unconditional Love, Humility, Rest, Selflessness, and Grace. My current thematic unit from God is "Fit".  This kind of Fit has less to do with, say, fitness or clothing size, and more to do with finding the right places where I am able to use my gifts, abilities, energies, and resources. What is a good Fit for me?

It started last Spring when I began to make peace with Foster Failure.  As I processed through my thoughts and feelings, I started to think that maybe I wasn't a heartless monster and fostering was just not a good Fit for me.  Then I kept finding myself wanting to transition from being a stay at home mom who worked part time to a working mom who stayed home part time.  I never really enjoyed staying home, but felt pressure to be at home from my culture and guilt because we could afford for me to do so and I just didn't want to. Then I felt a peace in my heart and began to think maybe I'm not a just a selfish, ungrateful mother...maybe staying at home full time is just not a good Fit for me.

This unit has followed me through this year.  We had to decide to move our child from a pretty good school because it was not a good Fit for him.  I've made spiritual decisions about how to pray and how to receive the Word of God that are not traditional because the traditional way is not a good Fit for me.

Today I am blogging from a 6th grade classroom (the kids are at band...I'm not neglecting them).  I accepted my first long term assignment for the last 5 weeks of school.  This was really a huge step for me because my own teaching career ended with me crashing and burning out. I came away from my last year of teaching feeling incompetent, useless, and slightly traumatized. Thinking about returning to the classroom was out of the question.

For the next month, I'm here all day, every day...instead of bopping around daily from one school/class/situation to another.  I have to take on the majority of the responsibilities of the classroom teacher and be the woman in charge of twenty-four 11-12 year olds...and I am really enjoying it and really quite good at it. And, this morning as I was walking through the halls of this elementary school, I wondered, "what if I wasn't an abysmal failure of a teacher"? What if the school/grade/district was just not a good Fit for me?

It just seems like God is using this time to teach me that my "failures" have been less about my worth as a human being and more about finding a place in the world where I can use the strengths that have been knit within me.  As always, I understand that there will be times when I must be stretched and grow. But, as I've already decided, I don't have to go looking for those opportunities...they'll find me.

I've spent too many years trying to stuff myself into the wrong shaped holes and then being mad at myself for failing. But God's word says, even in the church, not everyone has the same roles and gifts (1Cor 12). Some people are made to joyfully and easily do the things that cause me stress and pain.  I should let them do those things and remove from their backs the load that I was created to carry.  It's not just OK for me to find situations, methods, and philosophies that are a good Fit for me...it's necessary for my good and for the good of my fellow human beings.