I don't believe in dieting. Let me say it again, in my experience, dieting does not work. Science agrees. Statistically 95% of people who lose weight on a diet gain it back and often the pounds come back with a few friends. Between 2002 and 2003 I lost 100lbs on a popular diet. The weight crept back on and now I am heavier than I've ever been...and frankly heavier than I am physically comfortable being. The diet industry is an INDUSTRY. They could care less about my life and my health, they just want muh dollas.
Though I have flipped the middle finger to society's rules about weight and the health care industry's obsession with linking health and weight, I do think there is a number on my scale that says, "hey lady, we need to pay a little more attention to what we're doing here". I currently don't feel comfortable in my body.
I briefly thought about running back into the arms of the program that helped my lose weight a decade ago (geez I am old), but then I decided I didn't need the stress of conforming to that plan. Because, as we know, I have to be VERY protective of my stress level and where I spend my emotional energy. My mental health is of paramount importance to me. So, I just decided to look at the calorie amount that was suggested for very gradual weight loss in a woman of my weight class. After peeking at a few sources, I settled on a number and downloaded a tracker.
So yes, I am counting calories, but please hear me and believe me when I say I AM NOT ON A DIET. The amount of calories I am allotted each day is generous. For me, this exercise in counting calories is not about coming in under and feeling smug or feeling guilty for going over. It's really just about mindfulness. For example, through tracking, I have realized that I drink about 300 calories a day...that's more than 10% of my daily calories. It's more than it should be. Through tracking and mindfulness I also continue to observe that the ONLY time I get out of control with my eating is 4:00PM...it is a a struggle EVERY day!
I am following parts and pieces of various healthy/allergy dietary guidelines...but not subscribing to a "diet". My naturopathic doctor put my on the Blood Type Diet, so I don't eat a lot of red meat or potatoes. Little Brother is allergic to wheat/dairy/eggs/peanuts/soy, so most of my grains, out of necessity, are gluten free. We no longer keep much dairy in the house using either rice milk or almond milk. But, I have a husband whose doctor encouraged a Paleo-style diet, so those of use who aren't allergic DO eat eggs. So, while my food diary looks like a weird mish-mash of Top Ten Diets, it is comprised (mostly) of whole, real foods.
After being on the diet plan 10 years ago and eating a whole host of unwholesome, chemically altered, preservative laden, science experiments, I can't stomach buying "diet" food again.When I touch a fat free cookie on my tongue, it tastes like grainy chemicals. Nasty. So, if it isn't real, I am probably not eating it (again, mostly...everybody needs some cheez-its every now and then). That's not dieting, that's mindful eating.
So what's the end game? Well, I tell you what it ain't. I have no intention of making a weight loss goal. I have never been thin and I will never be thin. That's not fatalistic thinking, it just IS. Even after my big weight loss I was a plus sized woman. I have a big skeleton (yup, I just played the big boned card) and am not built to be slender. I have the bones of a strong, sturdy woman. I don't care about getting "down" to a certain size.
I just want to see the scale move down. I want to stop eating when my stomach is full, even if there is still food on the plate. I want to be able to move my body in the way I wish. I want to feel comfortable and sensible. That's it. There are no numbers. I AM NOT ON A DIET!
PS...I really like that article on diets that I linked to in this post. I particularly like what it says about trauma and adverse childhood experiences. I wrote a post about it in 2013 (here). I think that weight is a complicated matter and simple calories in calories out glosses over the root causes of overeating.
Life Less Sweet: Documentation of my struggle with depression and anxiety.
Monday, January 26, 2015
Saturday, December 27, 2014
You Say You Want A Resolution 2015
Wow, 2015 begins next week. That year seems very futuristic to me...like the setting for a sci-fi novel. More than that, I can hardly believe how quickly time has passed. Do you realize that the whole End of the World in 2012 thing was TWO WHOLE years ago? That's crazy. It seems like we JUST did that. I honestly believe that time has started moving faster...a year just isn't what it used to be.
So here we are at the end of 2014 and looking ahead to 2015. That means it's resolution time! Most Americans are all about New Year's Resolutions...until the 2nd week of January! In order to combat that short lived enthusiasm, I decided last year to choose some kind of large, overarching goals and make small choices in order to begin meeting those goals. I think it's healthy to set goals and I also think it's healthy to allow our goals to be flexible. As I use my blog to gaze into the New Year, I will begin this post by reviewing how I did with my 2014 Resolutions.
First I resolved to do what I want to do instead of caving to unhelpful societal, cultural, and familial norms. I'd say I did OK with that, though it's kind of a hard goal to measure. I did find myself saying "no" more often and I think that's a good thing. Instead of finding things to fill my calendar, I spent more time at home and in my yoga pants. Overall, that made for a pretty chill year, which I desperately needed.
Secondly, I resolved to let my children sort out their own differences without intervening every time. Meh, that one was trickier. Little Brother is a giant crybaby/tattle tale/tantrum thrower. He's generally difficult to ignore when he is in conflict. We are trying to teach him about emotional regulation, but we still have a lot of work to do. Additionally, Big Brother thinks it's HILARIOUS to get his brother all worked up...so, there's that.
Lastly, I resolved to take myself less seriously. Again, this goal is kind of challenging to measure, but I'd say there has been some progress here. Actually, I like this concept so much I am going to add it to my 2015 Resolutions. Learning to be more forgiving of myself and more accepting of my humanity is likely going to take my entire lifetime...I'm choosing to be OK with that.
So, last year there was some improvement in my life. Not a crazy life changing moment, rather a small series of choices that made my life more enjoyable.
And now ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my 2015 New Year's Resolutions!
1. I again resolve to take myself less seriously. Primarily, I am going to look for more opportunities to laugh and play. Laughter and play are medically proven to relieve stress. Frankly, I am just weary of being so damn serious all the time. I've been on the serious side since I was a kid...I'm over it. Yes, it's important to be responsible and know when to take care of business. I know that I am capable of doing that and now I desire to ENJOY my life as well.
2. I resolve to regularly add yoga into my daily routine. Yes, this is an exercise resolution. Most medical and natural health experts are in agreement that practicing yoga is good for people who have my particular mix of depression and anxiety (plus I have jacked up hips from birthing enormous babies and yoga is a good way to help with that). I feel SOOOO good when I am practicing yoga...I just have to make a concerted effort to add it into my life on a regular basis. Last summer I set up a little studio in my attic and practiced a mere handful of times.
I found some articles about sticking to a new exercise routine and found one that suggested that exercise can more easily become a habit if you commit to doing no MORE than 30 minutes per day. As an "all or nothing" person, this mindset works for me. Rather than going all in and trying to be the best yogi I can be, I can just do a small amount every day.
So, that's it. There is not a #3...I was going to make three because that seems like a good number...then I decided...I don't wanna.
Happy New Year everyone!!!
So here we are at the end of 2014 and looking ahead to 2015. That means it's resolution time! Most Americans are all about New Year's Resolutions...until the 2nd week of January! In order to combat that short lived enthusiasm, I decided last year to choose some kind of large, overarching goals and make small choices in order to begin meeting those goals. I think it's healthy to set goals and I also think it's healthy to allow our goals to be flexible. As I use my blog to gaze into the New Year, I will begin this post by reviewing how I did with my 2014 Resolutions.
First I resolved to do what I want to do instead of caving to unhelpful societal, cultural, and familial norms. I'd say I did OK with that, though it's kind of a hard goal to measure. I did find myself saying "no" more often and I think that's a good thing. Instead of finding things to fill my calendar, I spent more time at home and in my yoga pants. Overall, that made for a pretty chill year, which I desperately needed.
Secondly, I resolved to let my children sort out their own differences without intervening every time. Meh, that one was trickier. Little Brother is a giant crybaby/tattle tale/tantrum thrower. He's generally difficult to ignore when he is in conflict. We are trying to teach him about emotional regulation, but we still have a lot of work to do. Additionally, Big Brother thinks it's HILARIOUS to get his brother all worked up...so, there's that.
Lastly, I resolved to take myself less seriously. Again, this goal is kind of challenging to measure, but I'd say there has been some progress here. Actually, I like this concept so much I am going to add it to my 2015 Resolutions. Learning to be more forgiving of myself and more accepting of my humanity is likely going to take my entire lifetime...I'm choosing to be OK with that.
So, last year there was some improvement in my life. Not a crazy life changing moment, rather a small series of choices that made my life more enjoyable.
And now ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my 2015 New Year's Resolutions!
1. I again resolve to take myself less seriously. Primarily, I am going to look for more opportunities to laugh and play. Laughter and play are medically proven to relieve stress. Frankly, I am just weary of being so damn serious all the time. I've been on the serious side since I was a kid...I'm over it. Yes, it's important to be responsible and know when to take care of business. I know that I am capable of doing that and now I desire to ENJOY my life as well.
2. I resolve to regularly add yoga into my daily routine. Yes, this is an exercise resolution. Most medical and natural health experts are in agreement that practicing yoga is good for people who have my particular mix of depression and anxiety (plus I have jacked up hips from birthing enormous babies and yoga is a good way to help with that). I feel SOOOO good when I am practicing yoga...I just have to make a concerted effort to add it into my life on a regular basis. Last summer I set up a little studio in my attic and practiced a mere handful of times.
I found some articles about sticking to a new exercise routine and found one that suggested that exercise can more easily become a habit if you commit to doing no MORE than 30 minutes per day. As an "all or nothing" person, this mindset works for me. Rather than going all in and trying to be the best yogi I can be, I can just do a small amount every day.
So, that's it. There is not a #3...I was going to make three because that seems like a good number...then I decided...I don't wanna.
Happy New Year everyone!!!
Monday, November 24, 2014
Tis the Season to be Anxious: 2014 Update
Almost exactly a year ago, I posted this blog (Tis The Season To Be Anxious) about my anxiety. Basically it outlines the cyclical nature of my mental health. In the Fall, my brain flips a switch and I go from depressive tendencies to obsessive anxiety. What makes me a little sad is that, really, I could write that blog post again verbatim and it would still be true. In 2014, I am still hard core struggling to stay calm and rational. The plan that I enacted last year is still probably the best plan for me to follow as the holidays approach (limit caffeine and sugar, limiting commitments, taking a more laid back approach to gifts, and consciously avoiding rumination).
In April 2013, I wrote a post called Getting On The Same Page: Depression, in which I broke down the definition of depression. That post was written to dispel the myth that depression is just feeling sad. Today, I am going to do that with anxiety. A lot of people claim to have issues with anxiety, but I think some clarification is in order. Just as depression isn't just feeling down, anxiety isn't just feeling worried. Rather, anxiety is a whole situation of symptoms that can be crippling.
Webster defines anxiety thusly:
In April 2013, I wrote a post called Getting On The Same Page: Depression, in which I broke down the definition of depression. That post was written to dispel the myth that depression is just feeling sad. Today, I am going to do that with anxiety. A lot of people claim to have issues with anxiety, but I think some clarification is in order. Just as depression isn't just feeling down, anxiety isn't just feeling worried. Rather, anxiety is a whole situation of symptoms that can be crippling.
Webster defines anxiety thusly:
1 a : painful or apprehensive uneasiness of mind usually over an impending or anticipated ill
b : fearful concern or interest
c : a cause of anxiety
2
: an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it
Here is how that definition plays out in my life:
painful or apprehensive uneasiness of mind- In my case, I would describe this as constantly being in "fight or flight". My mind is running through a myriad of potential crises and trying to figure out all of the possible outcomes. But, my mind rarely settles on positive outcomes. With my brain running worst case scenarios for dozens of different situations, I am not participating in the here and now. I get agitated and irritable because I am too busy worrying about the future, that I can't be bothered with the real situations that I am facing each day.
fearful concern or interest- This piece often plays out as fear of losing my children. Since that is the worst thing I could possibly think of, my brain goes into hypervigilance mode. If my kids are away from me, I worry that they are not safe...this is especially true if they are doing something out of routine. So, in the winter, I don't even enjoy my kid-free time. I spend the entire time riddled with anxiety.
I also have fearful concern whenever I have social interactions, I worry that I have said or done something stupid. I replay my words and their words over and over again picking the conversation apart until I find the offending phrases. Sometimes I just avoid being around people because I can't handle the stress of the aftermath.
Another arena of life where this pops up is finances. For me, spending during the holidays feel out of control. It isn't usually. I am generally wise with our money...but that feeling that I am buying things I don't need kicks me into a bout of anxiety. What if...What if...What if.
an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear- ABNORMAL. OVERWHELMING. It's normal to be concerned about the safety of my children. It is abnormal to preemptively obsess and emotionally punish myself on the off chance that something bad happens to them. It is normal for me to desire to make a good impression with people. It is abnormal for me to dig and dig until I find a reason to be ashamed of myself. It is normal for me to desire to stay within my budget. It is abnormal to be completely overwhelmed with guilt that my moderate overspending will lead to financial hardship so severe that we will lose our house.
physiological signs- Here is where anxiety, quite literally, kicks my ass. My symptoms include heart palpitations when I lay down, digestive issues, shortness of breath, holding my breath, hyperventilating, extreme muscle tension and tightness in my neck, shoulders, and chest, and a weird heavy, pinching pain behind my right knee. I have trouble swallowing and get strange pains in my lymph nodes. Even when I sleep I bite the edges of my tongue so that the perimeter of my tongue is permanently pressed into the shape of my teeth. Regular, run of the mill worry does NOT look like this. If I hadn't been experiencing these symptoms for nearly a decade, I'd worry that I had a serious health problem. (Of course I HAVE worried that I have a serious health problem...but, I've been thoroughly checked...I'm fine.)
doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat- I feel like this is a weird sentence. My best stab at interpreting this is to say that most of the things that cause my anxiety are figments of my imagination...they are not real. The scenarios I dream up rarely come to fruition. Anxiety constructs a bleak, dismal future that is only marginally rooted in reality. The threat is fictitious.
self doubt about one's capacity to cope- What will I do? What will I say? How can I survive it? What if it kills me? What if I fail and bring harm, shame, or hardship to those around me? These questions, my friend, are at the core of my anxiety. Without these obsessive thoughts and fears about my ability to cope, it would be easy to dismiss some of my wild plot lines. If I could be outside looking into my mind, I would realize I am just creating my own drama. I know, in my soul, that I can bear up under a great many trials. My brain lies to me and makes me doubt my own strength. It sucks away any confidence I have.
Anxiety is not just niggling worry or butterflies in my tummy. In my life, anxiety is a soul sucking, joy stealing, laughter robbing obsession. So, this is life for me from October to February. It is always there, but anxiety really gets it's turn in the spotlight at this time of year. All I can do is keep working the plan..and pray.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Thankful
Well, hello friends!
It's been a little over a month since I took an intentional break from blogging. In general my mental health has been kind of up and down. The truth is, life is designed to be fraught with ups and downs. This truth is, as a recovering perfectionist, still hard to accept. That's why I wanted to write today to share with you a sweet revelation that came into my mind twice last month....because it's the sweet things that give us comfort and courage when we are not at our best.
Last month one of my best friends got married and I was in the bridal party. During the ceremony I was up on the stage. My body was turned in such a way as to both see the bride and groom and to look out into the congregation. On my left, the bride was lovely and elegant. She and her groom listened intently as the pastor officiated their ceremony.
I heard the pastor's words, which were full of life and hope...commitment and love. My heart welled up with love and gratitude because, while he was imparting his words to the bride and groom, I was stealing looks at my little family. As I glanced off to my right, I saw, seated on a pew, my husband and two sons. They were dressed up for the occasion and looked so handsome.
In those moments I felt so fortunate to have a kind and good husband. He looked so strong and capable next to my two small sons. The boys were sitting quietly watching the wedding. Their little faces were peaceful and sweet...and I thanked God as many times as I could that it was my honor to be the wife of that man and the mother to those sons. My heart continued to be happy even when the boys lost interest and began wrestling on the floor on the side aisle.
I had cause to be filled with gratitude again when we recently ventured out of town for a quick weekend trip. My sons were all buckled into their car seats, ready for the drive and I mused to myself about how big they had gotten. Then a thought came upon me...this was one of the first times I looked at my sons and didn't wish they were older. I loved them, right then and there, just for being what they were. Through the rest of the weekend I was overwhelmed with tenderness for my boys.
My intention for sharing this today is not to boast because God knows these glowing moments of love were just punctuations to long, gritty, mundane days. Rather, I write today to celebrate that an imperfect woman can, every so often, be overcome with breathtaking love for her man and their two little boys. It's beautiful and I am thankful.
It's been a little over a month since I took an intentional break from blogging. In general my mental health has been kind of up and down. The truth is, life is designed to be fraught with ups and downs. This truth is, as a recovering perfectionist, still hard to accept. That's why I wanted to write today to share with you a sweet revelation that came into my mind twice last month....because it's the sweet things that give us comfort and courage when we are not at our best.
Last month one of my best friends got married and I was in the bridal party. During the ceremony I was up on the stage. My body was turned in such a way as to both see the bride and groom and to look out into the congregation. On my left, the bride was lovely and elegant. She and her groom listened intently as the pastor officiated their ceremony.
I heard the pastor's words, which were full of life and hope...commitment and love. My heart welled up with love and gratitude because, while he was imparting his words to the bride and groom, I was stealing looks at my little family. As I glanced off to my right, I saw, seated on a pew, my husband and two sons. They were dressed up for the occasion and looked so handsome.
In those moments I felt so fortunate to have a kind and good husband. He looked so strong and capable next to my two small sons. The boys were sitting quietly watching the wedding. Their little faces were peaceful and sweet...and I thanked God as many times as I could that it was my honor to be the wife of that man and the mother to those sons. My heart continued to be happy even when the boys lost interest and began wrestling on the floor on the side aisle.
I had cause to be filled with gratitude again when we recently ventured out of town for a quick weekend trip. My sons were all buckled into their car seats, ready for the drive and I mused to myself about how big they had gotten. Then a thought came upon me...this was one of the first times I looked at my sons and didn't wish they were older. I loved them, right then and there, just for being what they were. Through the rest of the weekend I was overwhelmed with tenderness for my boys.
My intention for sharing this today is not to boast because God knows these glowing moments of love were just punctuations to long, gritty, mundane days. Rather, I write today to celebrate that an imperfect woman can, every so often, be overcome with breathtaking love for her man and their two little boys. It's beautiful and I am thankful.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
We.Are.On.A.Break
Hey sweet readers...as you know the driving force behind sharing my mess with you is to normalize depression and anxiety and document my journey in an authentic and (hopefully) helpful way. Well, I am kind of in a weird place right now...the best way to explain it is in the words of my therapist. As we were chatting, I mentioned that I feel like sometimes flare ups just kind of come out of nowhere. Her answer was "well, as you are doing this work of healing, you have a lot of windows open." That means that my defenses are down and things have an easy way of getting in.
I noticed, especially in August, that I am triggered SUPER often by things on social media. So, if there are windows open in my heart, social media is like a swarm of bees rushing in and leaving little stings that amass into one giant injury. Articles and posts that would normally be benign are causing distress within me. People's reaction to my comments are being taken extra personally and effecting me in unhealthy ways. Because of this, I have decided to back WAY off of social media (especially Facebook and Pinterest).
Furthermore, even though it is my heart to share this blog for the benefit of myself and others, and the reception of my posts has been very supportive and positive, I personally have some dysfunction around these blog posts. Sometimes, I am posting things that I am not really ready to share. The posts are more raw and leave me feeling much more exposed than is healthy at this time. But, the most messed up thing is how dependent I am on your feedback. If I am feeling particularly vulnerable, I neurotically check my blog views and Facebook comments. It becomes an inappropriate obsession and again, causes misery within me. Thus, I have decided that it is not safe for me at this time to blog.
I still need to write and have purchased a beautiful journal that I intend to fill up. If I know you personally, I am still fully willing to have an honest and authentic dialogue with you about the subjects of depression and anxiety. I am not sure how long I will be away from my blog...I hope that I can get myself to a place where it's a healthy outlet again. Until that time comes, my blog and I are on a break.
I noticed, especially in August, that I am triggered SUPER often by things on social media. So, if there are windows open in my heart, social media is like a swarm of bees rushing in and leaving little stings that amass into one giant injury. Articles and posts that would normally be benign are causing distress within me. People's reaction to my comments are being taken extra personally and effecting me in unhealthy ways. Because of this, I have decided to back WAY off of social media (especially Facebook and Pinterest).
Furthermore, even though it is my heart to share this blog for the benefit of myself and others, and the reception of my posts has been very supportive and positive, I personally have some dysfunction around these blog posts. Sometimes, I am posting things that I am not really ready to share. The posts are more raw and leave me feeling much more exposed than is healthy at this time. But, the most messed up thing is how dependent I am on your feedback. If I am feeling particularly vulnerable, I neurotically check my blog views and Facebook comments. It becomes an inappropriate obsession and again, causes misery within me. Thus, I have decided that it is not safe for me at this time to blog.
I still need to write and have purchased a beautiful journal that I intend to fill up. If I know you personally, I am still fully willing to have an honest and authentic dialogue with you about the subjects of depression and anxiety. I am not sure how long I will be away from my blog...I hope that I can get myself to a place where it's a healthy outlet again. Until that time comes, my blog and I are on a break.
Monday, September 29, 2014
The Good Fight
In my recent blog posts, for some reason I keep talking about my "last" icky bout of depression like it's past tense. It's still happening...I am still in it. There have been some really really dark days and if my head is above water it is only just so. Any little thing sends me back under the thick black water of rage, tears, exhaustion, and suicidal ideation (thinking but not doing).
Last week I had an extremely bad day. In the end, I had a medication issue, but not realizing what was going on, I spent a whole day being an emotional train wreck. On that day, I wrote, and subsequently deleted, a very negative blog post. A few people saw it. It's not vital that I go into it in this post...but it raised some red flags in my family. My mom and sister and a few friends were very concerned for me...as well they should have been. They called or Facebooked and rallied around me. I really needed it. A lot of people I care/cared about are no longer walking with me through this illness. I feel like I am sucking my loved ones dry, so my heart soared to know that people were still willing to be invested in my mess. I am thankful that there are a few people still in my corner...cheering me on and pushing me forward.
This particularly prolonged season of depression has been with me (in varying levels of intensity) for nearly two years. I am burning out on new game plans and new diets and new meds and new blahbbity blahs. I just want to feel good again. I am truly getting weary of fighting. Some days I just want to let the dejection wash over me and have it's way.
BUT...I plan to keep fighting. I am running an emotional marathon. I'm plodding along, but I'm still in the race. There is no new plan in place. I just have to keep working the old one and taking every day as it comes...one foot in front of the other. It is my hope to one day look back on this interval of depression and view it as a time where God used the agony within me to produce beautiful things in me like resilience, strength, hope, and faith.
Last week I had an extremely bad day. In the end, I had a medication issue, but not realizing what was going on, I spent a whole day being an emotional train wreck. On that day, I wrote, and subsequently deleted, a very negative blog post. A few people saw it. It's not vital that I go into it in this post...but it raised some red flags in my family. My mom and sister and a few friends were very concerned for me...as well they should have been. They called or Facebooked and rallied around me. I really needed it. A lot of people I care/cared about are no longer walking with me through this illness. I feel like I am sucking my loved ones dry, so my heart soared to know that people were still willing to be invested in my mess. I am thankful that there are a few people still in my corner...cheering me on and pushing me forward.
BUT...I plan to keep fighting. I am running an emotional marathon. I'm plodding along, but I'm still in the race. There is no new plan in place. I just have to keep working the old one and taking every day as it comes...one foot in front of the other. It is my hope to one day look back on this interval of depression and view it as a time where God used the agony within me to produce beautiful things in me like resilience, strength, hope, and faith.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Shattered
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
~O.A.R
One of the special quirks that makes me...me...is the fact that I consider my life to have a running soundtrack. Usually these songs change with every season. About every 3 months, I find myself being totally obsessed with a new song. I'll listen to it on repeat or search the radio for it. If I can't get enough of it, I know I've found my composition du jour . Simply hearing one of these songs can instantly whisk me away...reminding me of of how I was feeling or who I was loving at a particular point in my life.
Here is a quick sample of the tracks that serve as my emotional bookmarks:
- Power Of Love~ Celine Dion
- Kissed By A Rose ~ Seal
- Good Riddance ~ Green Day
- Angel Mine ~ Cowboy Junkies
- Real World ~ John Mayer
- Bring Me To Life ~ Evanesence
- Big Girls Don't Cry ~ Fergie
- Viva La Vida ~ Coldplay
- Sweet Escape ~ Gwen Stefani
- Down ~ Jay Sean
- Party In the USA ~ Miley Cyrus
- We Are Young ~ Fun
Beyond the list of magical time machine tunes, there is yet another list. On this second list is a smaller sample that I consider to be the overarching musical themes of my life...the ones that make me feel like the songwriter had me in mind when they penned the lyrics...they kill me softly, if you will. These melodies are the comfortable places I run to when I feel things way down in my soul.
Some of those include:
- Hallelujah ~ Rufus Wainwright
- It Is Well With My Soul ~ Horatio Spafford
- Wonderful World ~ Louis Armstrong
- Today ~ John Denver
- Runaway Train ~ Soul Assylum
And...of course...Shattered by OAR. For the last few days I have been looping this song every time I get into my car and wailing the words along with the band (with my windows up, because I am polite). Now, I think that this song is supposed to be about a bad but addictive relationship...but that isn't how it resonates with me. The imagery of being broken so many times that you are afraid you are going to crash to a million pieces, deciding that you can't take it anymore, driving away angry and determined, only to be compelled to turn the car around and head back into the drama...that imagery is a poetic picture of how it often feels for me to be a parent.
In the last few weeks, motherhood has been less like a joy and more like an emotional assault. Yes, kids are always hard...but in recent times, my sons have been particularly challenging. I've endured literal fits of rage, direct contempt, tyrannical demands, hateful words, and princely entitlement on an hourly basis. Coupled with this barrage of disheartening behaviors has been the continued problem of Big Boy and his struggles in school...unpleasant teacher meetings, continual problem solving, desperate calls to school counselors, and gross, visceral, untidy prayers for the heart and mind of my firstborn.
Especially since I am just coming off of a "down" time, I am feeling kind of fragile right now. I find myself wondering how many more times I can break 'til I shatter.
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