Shattered

How many times can I break till I shatter?

Over the line can't define what I'm after

I always turn the car around

~O.A.R

One of the special quirks that makes me...me...is the fact that I consider my life to have a running soundtrack. Usually these songs change with every season. About every 3 months, I find myself being totally obsessed with a new song. I'll listen to it on repeat or search the radio for it. If I can't get enough of it, I know I've found my composition du jour . Simply hearing one of these songs can instantly whisk me away...reminding me of of how I was feeling or who I was loving at a particular point in my life.

Here is a quick sample of the tracks that serve as my emotional bookmarks:

• Power Of Love~ Celine Dion
• Kissed By A Rose ~ Seal
• Good Riddance ~ Green Day
• Angel Mine ~ Cowboy Junkies
• Real World ~ John Mayer
• Bring Me To Life ~ Evanesence
• Big Girls Don't Cry ~ Fergie
• Viva La Vida ~ Coldplay
• Sweet Escape ~ Gwen Stefani
• Down ~ Jay Sean
• Party In the USA ~ Miley Cyrus
• We Are Young ~ Fun

Beyond the list of magical time machine tunes, there is yet another list. On this second list is a smaller sample that I consider to be the overarching musical themes of my life...the ones that make me feel like the songwriter had me in mind when they penned the lyrics...they kill me softly, if you will. These melodies are the comfortable places I run to when I feel things way down in my soul. 

Some of those include:

• Hallelujah ~ Rufus Wainwright
• It Is Well With My Soul ~ Horatio Spafford
• Wonderful World ~ Louis Armstrong
• Today ~ John Denver
• Runaway Train ~ Soul Assylum

And...of course...Shattered by OAR. For the last few days I have been looping this song every time I get into my car and wailing the words along with the band (with my windows up, because I am polite). Now, I think that this song is supposed to be about a bad but addictive relationship...but that isn't how it resonates with me. The imagery of being broken so many times that you are afraid you are going to crash to a million pieces, deciding that you can't take it anymore, driving away angry and determined, only to be compelled to turn the car around and head back into the drama...that imagery is a poetic picture of how it often feels for me to be a parent. 

In the last few weeks, motherhood has been less like a joy and more like an emotional assault. Yes, kids are always hard...but in recent times, my sons have been particularly challenging. I've endured literal fits of rage, direct contempt, tyrannical demands, hateful words, and princely entitlement on an hourly basis. Coupled with this barrage of disheartening behaviors has been the continued problem of Big Boy and his struggles in school...unpleasant teacher meetings, continual problem solving, desperate calls to school counselors, and gross, visceral, untidy prayers for the heart and mind of my firstborn. 

Especially since I am just coming off of a "down" time, I am feeling kind of fragile right now. I find myself wondering how many more times I can break 'til I shatter.