Tis the Season to be Anxious: 2014 Update

Almost exactly a year ago, I posted this blog (Tis The Season To Be Anxious) about my anxiety. Basically it outlines the cyclical nature of my mental health. In the Fall, my brain flips a switch and I go from depressive tendencies to obsessive anxiety. What makes me a little sad is that, really, I could write that blog post again verbatim and it would still be true. In 2014, I am still hard core struggling to stay calm and rational. The plan that I enacted last year is still probably the best plan for me to follow as the holidays approach (limit caffeine and sugar, limiting commitments, taking a more laid back approach to gifts, and consciously avoiding rumination).

In April 2013, I wrote a post called Getting On The Same Page: Depression, in which I broke down the definition of depression. That post was written to dispel the myth that depression is just feeling sad. Today, I am going to do that with anxiety. A lot of people claim to have issues with anxiety, but I think some clarification is in order. Just as depression isn't just feeling down, anxiety isn't just feeling worried. Rather, anxiety is a whole situation of symptoms that can be crippling.

Webster defines anxiety thusly:

1 a : painful or apprehensive uneasiness of mind usually over an impending or anticipated ill

b :  fearful concern or interest

c :  a cause of anxiety

    2

:  an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it

Here is how that definition plays out in my life:

painful or apprehensive uneasiness of mind- In my case, I would describe this as constantly being in "fight or flight". My mind is running through a myriad of potential crises and trying to figure out all of the possible outcomes. But, my mind rarely settles on positive outcomes. With my brain running worst case scenarios for dozens of different situations, I am not participating in the here and now. I get agitated and irritable because I am too busy worrying about the future, that I can't be bothered with the real situations that I am facing each day. 

fearful concern or interest- This piece often plays out as fear of losing my children. Since that is the worst thing I could possibly think of, my brain goes into hypervigilance mode. If my kids are away from me, I worry that they are not safe...this is especially true if they are doing something out of routine. So, in the winter, I don't even enjoy my kid-free time. I spend the entire time riddled with anxiety. 

I also have fearful concern whenever I have social interactions, I worry that I have said or done something stupid. I replay my words and their words over and over again picking the conversation apart until I find the offending phrases. Sometimes I just avoid being around people because I can't handle the stress of the aftermath.

Another arena of life where this pops up is finances. For me, spending during the holidays feel out of control. It isn't usually. I am generally wise with our money...but that feeling that I am buying things I don't need kicks me into a bout of anxiety. What if...What if...What if. 

an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear- ABNORMAL. OVERWHELMING. It's normal to be concerned about the safety of my children. It is abnormal to preemptively obsess and emotionally punish myself on the off chance that something bad happens to them. It is normal for me to desire to make a good impression with people. It is abnormal for me to dig and dig until I find a reason to be ashamed of myself. It is normal for me to desire to stay within my budget. It is abnormal to be completely overwhelmed with guilt that my moderate overspending will lead to financial hardship so severe that we will lose our house. 

physiological signs- Here is where anxiety, quite literally, kicks my ass. My symptoms include heart palpitations when I lay down, digestive issues, shortness of breath, holding my breath, hyperventilating, extreme muscle tension and tightness in my neck, shoulders, and chest, and a weird heavy, pinching pain behind my right knee.  I have trouble swallowing and get strange pains in my lymph nodes. Even when I sleep I bite the edges of my tongue so that the perimeter of my tongue is permanently pressed into the shape of my teeth. Regular, run of the mill worry does NOT look like this. If I hadn't been experiencing these symptoms for nearly a decade, I'd worry that I had a serious health problem. (Of course I HAVE worried that I have a serious health problem...but, I've been thoroughly checked...I'm fine.)

doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat- I feel like this is a weird sentence. My best stab at interpreting this is to say that most of the things that cause my anxiety are figments of my imagination...they are not real. The scenarios I dream up rarely come to fruition. Anxiety constructs a bleak, dismal future that is only marginally rooted in reality. The threat is fictitious.  

self doubt about one's capacity to cope- What will I do? What will I say? How can I survive it? What if it kills me? What if I fail and bring harm, shame, or hardship to those around me? These questions, my friend, are at the core of my anxiety. Without these obsessive thoughts and fears about my ability to cope, it would be easy to dismiss some of my wild plot lines. If I could be outside looking into my mind, I would realize I am just creating my own drama. I know, in my soul, that I can bear up under a great many trials. My brain lies to me and makes me doubt my own strength. It sucks away any confidence I have. 

Anxiety is not just niggling worry or butterflies in my tummy. In my life, anxiety is a soul sucking, joy stealing, laughter robbing obsession. So, this is life for me from October to February. It is always there, but anxiety really gets it's turn in the spotlight at this time of year. All I can do is keep working the plan..and pray.