Tis The Season To Be Anxious

My anxiety/depression is VERY cyclical.  I can almost predict what state of mind I will be battling against by the month of the year.  Well, it's Fall now and I have fallen headlong into my worst anxiety season.  It starts trickling in during September, ramps up in October then goes full force though November and the first few weeks of December. 

I first became aware of it when I was 25.  My husband and I had been married for a year and we were trying to get pregnant.  Suddenly, in September, I began to notice some strange symptoms.  I was having difficulty catching my breath.  Numbness and tingling began to present on the right side of my face.  My head felt weird, like it was being squeezed by an invisible hand.  One day at work, my lips went numb.   I rushed out of the classroom and called my doctor. 

After a series of tests, one Emergency Room visit, an appointment with both a neurologist and a seizure specialist, and a week long seizure study, it was concluded that I had...anxiety.  By the time that diagnosis came down, I was 6 weeks pregnant and could not start any medication.  So, I just chalked it up to some weird season of life anxiety and moved on with my life. 

Looking back now, I've had some version of anxiety since the summer before I started college.  For some reason, though (I'm guessing hormone changes), since that big flare up when I was 25, I've had pretty rough anxiety every fall since (for those of you who are wondering how old I might be...I'm 32 now...it's been SEVEN years). 

There is not really an impetus for my anxiety.  No strong stressors are present in my life right now, though there is probably some connection with the busyness and perceived pressure of the impending holiday season.  My most acute symptoms are physical rather than emotional.  So, generally, I think I am coping well until my body reminds me otherwise.

My symptoms are so frightening that, if I hadn't been through this countless times before, I would rush myself to the Emergency Room.  My symptoms include heart palpitations when I lay down, digestive issues, shortness of breath, holding my breath, hyperventilating, extreme muscle tension and tightness in my neck, shoulders, and chest, and a weird heavy, pinching pain behind my right knee.  All of these symptoms are listed as indications of dozens of life threatening medical conditions.  But, I've had nearly EVERY system in my body scanned, tested, and imaged.  My organs and systems are running just fine.  It's all in my brain chemistry. 

While I am on A medication, I'm not sure it's the RIGHT medication for my anxiety (it helps IMMENSELY with my depression).  I'm not ready to mess with a psychiatrist, which is what the next step would be if I needed to combine or switch meds.  So, in order to address this wretched season of panic, I have to make a plan and stick with it.

Here are some strategies I have/plan to put in place to address my body's rebellion:

• Limit sugar.  The holidays come at the WORST possible time for me.  It's sort of a chicken or egg situation.  Does my anxiety flare up because of my diet?  Is my anxiety already at it's peak and the diet just worsens it?  I don't know.  What I do know is that I've eaten FAR too much Halloween candy over the last week.  It's not healthy for my body...it's not good for my anxiety.
• Limit commitments.  The holiday season is hard.  I'm already fragile for several reasons then we add the hustle and bustle that occurs between Thanksgiving and New Year (my husband's extended family pushes their Christmas festivities until the weekend after Christmas).  I am deciding this year that I will not take on any hosting duties, extra projects, or volunteer activities during this time.  I know it's supposed to be the season of selflessness, but I can't give my time like I wish I could.  I have a mental illness and pretending that I can do it all isn't going to help anyone.
• Chill out.  I'm letting some stuff slide this Holiday season.  My sister and I came up with a plan to streamline holiday gift giving, which I am choosing to take on a little at a time.  I'm doing minimal holiday decorating.  Christmas card photo appointments will go on the books in the next few days, and we are wearing clothing we already own...it'll be coordinated enough. 
• No RUMINATING!  I will commit to NOT rehearse holiday interactions in my mind.  Taking events as they come will be my best strategy for coping with my anxiety this holiday season.  Nothing turns out the way we plan and spending mental energy on what ifs literally makes me crazy.

It will still be challenging, it always is.  But I can use the tools I have in my mental health toolbox to lessen the impact that this illness has on my life and relationships.