The Weather Outside Is Frightful

These last two days have been bad days.  I've been angry, irritable, and numb.  It's very likely to do with the streak of gray, rainy days we've had this week.  You might have even noticed a dip in your happiness as well.  Serotonin needs sunshine (they are still kind of figuring out why).  Low serotonin equals an uptick in depression and anxiety.

I feel terrible. I spent the morning screaming at my children and rebuffing the affection of my husband.  Everything I touched dropped or broke or spilled. Now, I'm hungry and tired.   All I want to do today is get through until nap time when I can sleep for a few hours. 

On days like this I not only wrestle with my sadness and anger, but I struggle to figure out my faith as well.  The pond of sinful behavior and biblical living is muddy to me.  I can't discern if my anger and hopelessness is willful disobedience to God or if it is just a physical/emotional response that I really can't control.  Not everyone has this element in their struggle with depression.  God chose me.  My heart wants Him and wants to love Him and please Him.  Thinking that I haven't makes me feel worse.

Paul's explanation in Romans 7 make sense to me when I am feeling this way.

"19 I don't do the good things I want to do. I keep on doing the evil things I don't want to do. 20 I do what I don't want to do. But I am not really the one who is doing it. It is sin living in me. 21 Here is the law I find working in me. When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 Deep inside me I find joy in God's law. 23 But I see another law working in the parts of my body. It fights against the law of my mind. It makes me a prisoner of the law of sin. That law controls the parts of my body. 24 What a terrible failure I am! Who will save me from this sin that brings death to my body? 25 I give thanks to God. He will do it through Jesus Christ our Lord. So in my mind I am a slave to God's law. But in my sinful nature I am a slave to the law of sin."  Romans 7: 19-25

For me, on this day, I know that I delight in God's law.  As far as "sin living in me", it's not the hopelessness or the hair-trigger temper that is the sin today.  Rather, it is an overarching, abstract sin.  It's the result of living in this broken world...a world without the perfect peace of God.  My body and it's damned chemical imbalance wars against my heart.  My heart wants peace, love, patience, and kindness and all of the good that the Lord embodies.  My body keeps me a slave to selfishness, sadness, and rage. 

These are the words of PAUL, a hero of the faith.  He did hard things for God...very hard things. If he had this struggle, I can feel more comforted when my body and my heart vie for control of my being.  I can rest on some level know that God's really already addressed this.  Today and tomorrow and the next day are forecast to be gray days.  I will probably still be depressed.  But, it is well with my soul.

Mantras

Most people know about mantras in the context of yoga or Buddhism.  Even if you aren't into meditation, you probably have some sort of mantra too, you just don't call it that.  We all "meditate".  It's just mulling over an idea again and again.  All of us have a constant internal dialogue.  Often, the voice of my own mind is the most damaging to my mental well being.

I've shared that I am currently seeing a therapist.  We've tried all kinds of things to help with my depression and anxiety.  By far, the most successful tool I have taken from our sessions together is when she told me to "Stuart Smalley" myself.  For those of you who are too young or who weren't plugged into the awesomeness that was SNL in the 90s, here's a video clip.

If you are laughing now...good!  When my therapist first suggested it I couldn't stop laughing long enough to try it.  Then I got over myself and tried it.  It's a silly example, but the principal really impacted my way of thinking.  She called it "changing the tape" that was playing in my head.  When I began down the spiraling path of self hatred, I could pull up a mantra and "reprogram" my thought processes. 

Some of my mantras include:

INSTEAD OF: "I am SUCH a weak, failure.  I embarrassed myself and my team.  Everything I touch turns to crap."  I say: "I did what I could.  I can try to do better next time."

INSTEAD OF: "I am a horrible mother and I do not deserve the blessing of these children."  I say: "I am a good mom who had a bad moment"

INSTEAD OF: "Nothing is going right. " I say: "It is what it is."

Of course these are not foolproof ways to avoid negative thinking.  They do help though.  If you find yourself the victim of your own mean thoughts, I would try a mantra.  You can use scripture if you want. (I haven't had the presence of mind to study through scriptures to find corresponding verses for my mantras...though I am sure there are some good truths that would be fitting. )  If scripture is not your gig, just find an easy to remember phrase that counteracts those unhealthy thoughts running though your mind. 

Moderation and Consequence

My husband and I had a weekend without children!  The first night we went to a local bed and breakfast, then we came home and hung out in our big, quiet house.  It has been lovely.  I am so relaxed and refreshed.  Even my shoulders, which usually feel like steel rods, are feeling more supple.

Since it was a little vacation, I wasn't terribly concerned about sticking to the diet.  Friday I ate on plan until we had dinner.  I was full about 3/4th of the way through the meal and I stopped eating.  Saturday morning we were treated to the breakfast portion of our bed and breakfast experience.  It was wonderful.  It was a fairly balanced breakfast and well portioned (and delicious...bacon artichoke mini-quiches?...yes please!). I felt satiated but not uncomfortably full.  The rest of the day we ate out.  Instead of "feasting" on the non-plan foods, I shared them with my husband.  We split and burger and fries and a rib dinner from the 2nd best local BBQ restaurant. 

This morning I'm just not that hungry.  Instead of going out for breakfast, like we planned, I just made us some green smoothies.  My hands are swollen today as I haven't kept up on my water intake.  My weight is up slightly (but that might just be the water issue again). 

Anxiety has popped up this weekend.  I left my kids for longer than I've left them in a LONG, LONG time.  They are in capable hands but some irrational fears have manifested themselves.  I have also had anxiety about our new puppy.  He's SUCH a great puppy and I keep having the irrational fear that something bad is going to happen to him.  So, there's that. 

No depression though...it must have tapped out and let anxiety take over for the weekend!  I've felt really happy this weekend.  My husband is fun and funny and I got to rediscover that this weekend.  I love that.  I got to be a person and not just a mommy or home manager.  Much needed!

I don't regret my choice to have a little cheat time.  Yes, I saw some negative repercussions
in the form of worry and obsession (and water weight).  It was manageable though.  And really, that little bit of crazy helped to reign me in a get me back on track today.  I do feel better when I am submitting to my restrictive diet.  Life happens though and I can live with occasional moderation and it's consequences.

Knowing Thyself

It has been a CRAY-ZEE week.  The first part of the week I was busy with book fair at my son's school.  Wednesday through today have been filled with all of the excitement and appointments and errands that come with getting a new puppy.  It's been stressful and I've had to manage my time more closely than usual and by the end of the day, I have been EXHAUSTED!

I feel awesome!  My mental health has been much improved this week.  Yes, the sun has been out and it's warm again.  Yes, I am taking my medication and following my diet. AND I've had my extrovert/achiever needs met all week and it's made a big difference.

This makes me feel more confident about adding more work days to my schedule next year.  Whenever I make a choice, I always waffle a little.  It's really refreshing to have my intuition validated.   For example, my littlest child has been away from me more than ever this week.  Rather than the time of separation making our relationship suffer, it's made our time together sweeter and more intentional.  Having my extrovert and achiever needs met makes me a happier mommy which then causes me to be more available to serve and enrich my family. 

I think it's really important that I am beginning to accept myself and trust my own judgment.  There are a lot of other influences out there.  I just feel better in my own skin when I am living in the way I was created instead of trying to fit into some kind of imaginary mold.   

 

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made...

Psalm 139:13-14

(a psalm of David, who also suffered from depression) 

Evil Easter Candy

I ate candy.  Lots of candy. That is all.

My husband and I will come up with a plan tonight to ensure that this doesn't happen again.

Free

Our Easter Sunday worship service was new and strange this year.  The church has grown from 75 people to nearly 2,000 in just 5 years.  In order to get the whole church together, we rented out the Grand Ballroom of the Kansas City Convention Center.  Because we didn't have our regular children's facility, the kids had to stay with us through the whole service.  I barely heard any of the sermon because we were busy wrangling kids. The thing I did hear was a good word for my soul.

At some point the pastor began talking about the saving sacrifice of Jesus (as he is wont to do).  I heard him say something along the lines of "because God has made a way for us to know Him, we can have total freedom".  FREE.  I know for sure that I have not been living free. 

Though God does not keep a record of my wrongs because of the blood of Christ, I DO.   Though I do not have to impress God with my works, I STRIVE to do so anyway.   I put myself above God and try to fit Him into my own mold of an angry, disappointed, hard-driving father, then live in the shadows of shame and disillusionment that this line of thinking has brought upon me.  This permeates all of my relationships from husband, to child, to members of my church, to neighbors, and everyone woven throughout.  I fear that everyone's harsh eyes are on me because I am failing to work hard enough for God or I am failing to keep my temper in check or even failing to home school or breastfeed or vote in a certain way.  I am emotionally ensnared by these pressures.  I am trapped and paralyzed by the "shoulds" in my life.

I know that God is good, kind, forgiving, and patient.  I know that in my brain.  I'm not entirely sure what to do with this information about freedom.  If I knew what to do, I'd have already done it, right?  I've talked to God about it and still find myself struggling with it every day.  I want to live free.  I don't know how.

The Day After

Yesterday was Easter.  It was a lovely day...blue sky, warm breeze, great family, and NO diet!  It felt great to brainlessly consume whatever I wanted.  I was able to enjoy food purely for its flavor without thought to how it was fueling my body.  I enjoyed my family and didn't worry about my mental health or my weight.  That is kind of freeing. On this cheat day, however, I did learn a few things.

I learned that sugar just doesn't have the same hold on me that it once did.  I ate sugar to be sure...but it wasn't as awesome as I remember it.  The coconut cheesecake that I made was truly delightful, but that was not the case for the rest of the random candy and sugary snacks I ate..they were just so-so.  I'll need to remember that as I am faced with the mountains of Easter candy that have infiltrated my home! 

I learned that my body does not respond well to eating dairy and processed wheat.  My tummy felt more puffy than it has in weeks.  Lethargy hit me like a ton of bricks.  I just felt heavy and puffy.  That doesn't make a girl feel pretty.

In the end I think I like the concept of a cheat day.  The psychology of feasting on holidays helps me to get through the everyday without cheating on my diet.  The reality of a cheat day reminds me why I am on a restrictive diet in the first place.  Today I got back on track without hesitation.  I cheerfully await the next holiday!