The Reality of Mess

In the past I was under the assumption that people were afraid to be genuine because they feared that people might judge them and they would loses their popularity...like high school. I have recently discovered another reason why many people like to pretend that they have perfect, shiny, Instagram-able lives. While there may be a small group of people with whom it is safe to be "real" with, most people are VERY uncomfortable with mess. They may SAY that they value authenticity, but when faced with gritty reality...they get overwhelmed and suddenly want you to keep that shit locked deep inside...far far away from them.

I struggle with faith and family and relationships and energy and weight and the will to live. I feel that many people get very wary of me because my "struggles" aren't inspirational...there hasn't been a happy ending, Thankya Jesus, wrapped in a tidy bow, resolution to my depression. God hasn't miraculously delivered me from my illness. There is a strong possibility that I will battle depression and anxiety my whole life. People want to hear about the WIN...and I might not ever win. That's the reality.

Whitewashing my narrative on social media, with the neighborhood mommies, and at Bible study has recently become a SUPER appealing choice. I hate it when I share something that's going on with me and people avert their eyes, go silent, and then change the subject...it's incredibly disheartening. (I do understand that, in certain settings, I am required to gloss over some things to remain socially appropriate...my casual acquaintances, PTA peers, and coworkers don't need to know my mental health business). I am gaining a new understanding of the temptation to fake a smile and say something benign so that I don't have to see people squirm in the face of the truth.

Unfortunately, my heart and soul are deeply committed to living my life transparently. Pretending that all is well in my world would be a lie I can't live with. I have mess. My family is messy. My relationship with my sons is messy. My relationship with God is messy. My convictions are messy. My emotions are messy. My mind is messy. Lord knows my house is messy. I am wholeheartedly grateful for those people who are willing to be in my untidy life (including my blog readers). But, honestly, I've kind of come to a point where I don't have energy to deal with people who are squeamish about the details of my reality. To the people who are upset and disgusted by who and what I am, I must say...this is, sadly, where we must part ways. Good luck on your journey...I mean that.

10th Anniversary Countdown: Day 2

Watch This Video:

I have suffered from depression and anxiety for the majority of my adult life. There were a couple of short, severe episodes, but, for the most part, I was able to manage it on my own early on. As I said in a previous post, I tried hard to be honest with Mark while we were dating. However, when we were dating, I was happy and didn't really have a mental health flare up...at least not in front of him. That's one of those things that you can kind of keep to yourself until you live with someone. If I was feeling down, I'd just deal with it on my own time. I wasn't consciously trying to hide it from him, I'd just never had to share the day to day struggles of mental illness with a man. It came up in our premarital counseling, but he didn't really have any first hand experience with my depression and anxiety.

After we married and I went into the worst year of teaching I'd ever had, he was kind of blindsided by my obsessive thoughts and fits of anger and weeping. We both made the (incorrect) assumption that I would feel much better if I changed jobs. It was better, for a while...then I had my first baby. He and I discovered that my depression and anxiety weren't circumstantial, they were part of the fabric of my being.

Becoming a mother opened the floodgates. Mark has walked with me through severe anxiety attacks, pregnancy induced neuroticism, the strange emotional fallout from a miscarriage, two bouts of serious postpartum depression and one nervous breakdown. He has endured dead-eyed stares instead of conversation. He has had to talk me down from neurotic frenzies. He has picked up the slack with our home and family when all I could do was lay in bed or stare at a computer screen. While I have suffered, this man has suffered alongside me...and he'll likely have to do it again under other circumstances.

Through all of my drama, he has been kind and gentle. Even though I've made his life harder, he has been (for the most part) a source of encouragement and support. He doesn't really understand what I go through, but he cares about me and does not make me feel ashamed or guilty for having a mental illness.

Again, I feel the need to state that he hasn't done this perfectly...living with a person who has depression is hard. Melancholy and discontent can be contagious. Everyone has limits and I've blown past his a time or two, leaving him frustrated and irritated by my constant needs.

In our wedding vows we promised each other our "tenderest care...no matter what may lie ahead". The past 10 years have, in many ways, been formidable. Yet, my husband has continued to honor his wedding day promise (to the best of his ability) with grace and love.

10th Anniversary Countdown: Day 4

Gather round and I will tell you the tale of a man, a woman, and a curse. Our story begins as the young couple attends their first date at a local restaurant. It is a noncommittal lunch date on a random Thursday. The gentleman has selected this venue, which is famous for it's delicious pies, because it is both close to his job and reasonably priced. After a pleasant meal and enjoyable company, the young couple leaves, vowing to eat another meal together in the future. Four months later...the restaurant CLOSES. 

The man and the woman continue to dine together...they even begin seeing movies and attending live theater...they go canoeing...they play miniature golf...they talk...they laugh...they love. Eventually, the man decides he would like to spend the rest of his life with the woman. He purchases a token of his affection and plans a date where he will ask her to be his wife. On the date, the couple decides to have dinner at a local Southwestern grill on the Country Club Plaza. After dinner the couple gets engaged. By the time they are married, six months later, the restaurant has CLOSED.

On a warm June evening, the woman, now a wife, is famished because no one bothered to feed her the day of her wedding. The couple is, once again, on the Plaza. Because the Plaza is such a popular destination for both locals and tourists, most of the restaurants do not take reservations. The average wait time for a table on this Saturday night is THREE hours. Starved, the couple decides to get a quick dinner at an upscale pizza chain restaurant...with immediate seating. There they enjoy strange, but tasty, pizzas.

Amused by this silly choice for a wedding night meal, the man and his wife decide to make it their annual tradition. For eight years they go to this moderately priced pizza restaurant on their anniversary. On their ninth anniversary, the couple decides to do something different for a change and they do not eat weird pizza for their anniversary dinner. Three months later, the pizza restaurant CLOSES.  

The establishments wherein the couple celebrated the most important milestones of their relationship... all CLOSED. Dear reader, you are free to draw your own conclusions. But as for us, the couple from this tale, we are making our dining choices VERY carefully these days. If the restaurant where we plan to sup on our tenth anniversary closes, we take full responsibility...it is.. our curse. 

10th Anniversary Countdown: Day 3

I married the wrong person. 

Say what!?!?!  

Yup, my husband is, in a lot of ways, the wrong man for me. 

I'm a big, loud, extreme extrovert.

He's a mild mannered. midlevel introvert.

I feel and understand hundreds of nuanced emotions.

He's got, maaaaybe, a dozen emotions.

I'm an enthusiastic teacher and creative writer.

He's a buttoned down software developer. 

I'm from a family that talked openly about tough topics like sex, drugs, mental health, and the general messiness of life.

He's from a conservative, formal, and private family. 

My mom almost always worked.

His mom mostly stayed home

I'm a first generation middle class woman who is used to counting the pennies in my bank account.

He's from a solid middle class family where money wasn't usually a source of worry . 

I'm the daughter of a Jesus-movement- house-church father and a lapsed Mormon mother who both agreed that personally knowing God was just as good as (maybe even BETTER than) going to church.

He was born and raised attending conservative evangelical churches.

We are REALLY different, sometimes painfully so. These glaring disparities have been the main sources of conflict in our marriage. Whenever one of these differences comes crashing into the forefront, I sometimes wonder if I could have found a man who was a better fit for me. Maybe I could have married a man with a more developed emotional vocabulary. Maybe I could have married a man who thought more deep, soulful, poetic thoughts. Maybe I could have married a man from a more similar family and financial background. (I'm sure my husband wonders sometimes if he could have, maybe, found a better match than me too) Maybes are dangerous to a marriage. That's why I am so thankful for this very important piece of advice we received when we were in premarital counseling. 

Everybody Marries the Wrong Person. Isn't it that the most pessimistic things you've ever heard? At face value, I agree that it's terrible advice. There were some men that I dated before my husband who were not just wrong for me, they were BAD for me. Marriage would have been a giant mistake for those relationships. 

Marrying my husband was, however, a wise and healthy choice...but...it wasn't a PERFECT choice. For instance, we have had seasons when we argued about our family roles. We have cried about hurtful miscommunication. We have had the same intense financial discussions over and over and over again...and gotten nowhere. Aaaand...I may or may not have locked him out of our bedroom when he forgot Mother's Day this year. So, I may have done my best to choose a good spouse, but inevitably our idiosyncrasies and character flaws caused conflict, confusion, and pain.

At it's heart, the Everybody Marries the Wrong Person tenet is designed to help married people frame their differences in the reality that ALL people are imperfect. ALL. Every person comes into marriage with diverse life experience and incongruent expectations. Every person has the capacity to be a little selfish and relationally lazy. All humans are a complex mix of awesome and awful. So, my husband is not perfect for me....but neither is Thatguy Overthere. Thatguy and I would have a whole new list of delightful things that make our relationship challenging. Trying to find a better match outside of the marriage would only be trading one set of complications for another set of complications with a different person. 

That's why I am SUPER glad that we decided to base our decision to get married on the things we had in common on a heart and soul level. So, we may differ in our upbringings, financial philosophies, or church culture, but at the core of our beings, our partnership makes sense. 

We BOTH love Jesus and desire to do our best to know Him and serve Him faithfully.

We BOTH value community, friendship, and family over career and financial gain.

We BOTH value authenticity and honesty.

We BOTH value humility, kindness. and generosity.

We BOTH agree that a parent's job is to raise children who will grow into good adults. 

Knowing that, at the heart of our marriage, we are headed in the same direction, makes it easier to overlook our more superficial differences. Knowing that, at the center of our relationship, we have good and honorable intentions makes it easier to forgive offenses. Knowing that we're both imperfect, messy, complex, contradictory, human beings, just like everybody else, makes it easier to keep our hearts from wandering over to Maybe. 

(Disclaimer: Sometimes people find themselves in toxic and abusive marriages...this blog post is NOT intended to apply to those sorts of circumstances. If you are in a physically or mentally unsafe relationship I urge you to find a safe place and to enlist the help of trusted mental health professionals to walk with you through your individual situation.)

10th Anniversary Countdown: Day 5

When my husband and I were dating and preparing to get married, I was a little nervous about his ability to be a good dad. He's the youngest child in his family and all of his cousins are around the same age as he is, so he never really had an opportunity to be around little kids. He had never even held a baby until after we were married. Mostly, I was concerned because sometimes people who are very cerebral don't have awesome people skills...which you kind of need to raise little PEOPLE. Thankfully, all of my concerns were unfounded. He's been an amazing father since the beginning of our parenting journey...even talking and reading Dr. Seuss books to our unborn child.

When we had babies, my sweet husband gave bottles and changed diapers. He took middle of the night feedings on the weekends. He helped with tummy time and played "flying baby". He carried them on his shoulders so they could see a parade. He was the boss of bath time. In fact, when postpartum depression had me crumpled in a heap on the floor after Big Brother was born, my husband calmly and confidently stepped in and nurtured our baby in a way I was not able to.

Now that our sons are older, he wrestles and plays tag with them. He takes them to the park. He joins in their Lego video games. He prays and sings silly songs at bed time. He helps with homework and Cub Scout projects. He corrects and encourages them. He models responsibility, strong character, and good communication.

Of course, he does not execute his role of fatherhood perfectly. Sometimes he loses his patience...gets annoyed...gets tired. But, even when his humanity bubbles up, our sons know that they are completely and unconditionally loved by this man.

It has been my honor to share the role of parenthood with such an outstanding man.

10th Anniversary Countdown: Day 6

After doing a Q and A with my husband, I decided it would be fun to get my sons' take on dating and marriage. They both have some very definite ideas about relationships...and we very DEFINITELY need to do some education in the ways of wooing before they are old enough to date.

Big Brother (BB) is nearly 8 years old. Little Brother (LB) is 4 1/2.

What do people do on a date?
BB: Go out for food. Anything besides kissing.
LB: Dance, eat cake, sing songs.

When is it OK to kiss someone?
BB: Probably, like, your last date.
LB: At 8:00

What does it mean to be married?
BB: You have to do a lot of hard work in the house.
LB: You dance and eat cake and kiss your lips.

How do you decide who to marry?
BB: You see if they play sports or something. You buy a ring. When it's the right time on your date you say "Will you marry me?"
LB: Kiss someone. Kissing is a good way to marry someone.

What is the right age to get married?
BB: 24
LB: 10 because that's a grownup age.

How long have your parents been married?
BB: 9 years
LB: 8 marrieds.

What do your mom and dad have in common?
BB: Cleaning. Kids.
LB: Dance, hug, kiss their lips.

How are your mom and dad different from each other?
BB: Mom plays sports. Dad does computer stuff.
LB: You don't have the same hair. Also dad's a boy and you're a girl.

What makes daddy a good husband?
BB: He can help you with computer stuff.
LB: Cuz he loves you.

What makes mama a good wife?
BB: You like to have fun.
LB: Cuz you love ME!... and my brother.

What do you have to do to have a happy marriage?
BB: Like each other.
LB: The kids need to be still.

10th Anniversary Countdown: Day 7

He Said:

1.  How did you meet your wife?

I met Tiffany through our church Sunday school class. She was already attending, and I switched from my parent’s church to there, where my brother was going

2.  What was your first impression of her?

My first impressions of Tiffany were that she was nice, smart, easy going, and easy to talk to.

3.  Tell about your first time saying 'I love you'?

I don’t recall the particular time. I know I wanted to be intentional about it, waiting until it was true and special. 

4.  What do you love about her?

I love her sense of humor, affection, intelligence, sense of fun and adventure, style, and beauty.

5.  Describe your wife in 5 words.

Smart, caring, fun-loving, outgoing, unpretentious.

6.  What do you remember about the day you got married? 

I remember that it rained in the morning, which is supposed to be a good sign, and then cleared off. We had pictures groomsmen and bridesmaids pictures taken in front of the church. I had lunch with my family in church kitchen. I wandered around alone for a bit in empty parts of the church contemplating the decision and commitment, being nervous and excited at the same time.

I remember waiting for her to come in to the sanctuary and being so happy to see her, then sharing some time together before we finished our pictures before the ceremony. I remember focusing on her during the ceremony and being happy to be marrying such a wonderful, beautiful friend. 

7.  What is your happiest memory with your wife?

My happiest memory is of all of the fun adventures that we go on as a family (our honeymoon in Vail, our baby-moon in Des Moines, trips to Deanna Rose, hay-cations at Mojeji Ranch, various festivals, events, and outings around town).

8.  What has been the most difficult thing about being married to Tiffany?

The most difficult thing has been knowing how to help with/handle Tiffany’s depression.

9. What advice would you give to a man who is about to get married?

Find a woman that you enjoy spending time with, someone who can be your best friend through thick and thin.

10. Where do you see your marriage in 10 years?

I see us continuing to have even more fun together as the boys grow older, being able to do more with them since they’re more capable and more without them since they’re less helpless.

She Said:

1.  How did you meet your husband?

The first time I met him was at a Sunday School Super Bowl party at his brother's house. I was totally enamored with another guy, so we didn't spark up a relationship that night. 

2.  What was your first impression of him?

I kind of thought he was a snob. He didn't really talk and seemed to be annoyed by all of the small talk. 

3.  Tell about your first time saying 'I love you'?

I think it was on my 23rd birthday. He bought me pink roses. After my party, which was at his house, we were making out hanging out. Suddenly he said, "I don't know what pink roses are supposed to mean, but, I love you." I, of course, told him I loved him too. 

4.  What do you love about him?

I love so many things about him...his laugh, his smile, his very laid back personality. But most of all I like that he is hopeful. He has a deep down feeling that things will work out. I love that. 

5.  Describe your husband in 5 words.

merry, uncomplicated, nurturing, cerebral, capable

6.  What do you remember about the day you got married? 

A lot of people get cold feet. But, after our rehearsal, I was completely CERTAIN that I wanted to marry this man. Because of that, the wedding day was free to just be. It rained in the morning, which my grandma told me was good luck. I remember focusing on my vows making sure to listen to and mean EVERY WORD. I also remember being really hungry. Apparently, no one thought the bride needed nourishment between the hours of 8am and 4pm. 

7.  What is your happiest memory with your husband?

This is probably lame, but my favorite memories are of us laying in bed together (getting ready to go to sleep...not "in bed" together ya dirty worms) and laughing like maniacs about Misheard Lyrics, Autocowrecks, or MentalFloss. 

8.  What has been the most difficult thing about being married to Mark?

He does not just say whatever is on his mind, he has to think it ALL the way through. So if we are fighting, I spend a good deal of time just sitting and staring and saying "Just say SOMETHING." Sometimes, I tell him earlier in the day if there is something we need to sort out...that way he can think about it and know what he wants to say. SOOOOOO frustrating. 

9. What advice would you give to a woman who is about to get married?

Ugh, I say this all the time, but it's just so true...Getting married is a lateral move. In the Christian culture, marriage is put on this weird pedestal...like when you get married you get to move up a rung on the ladder of life. This is simply NOT true. Marriage does not cure loneliness. It will not fix your self image. Whoever you are now is who you will still be after you say "I do." It's not a promotion...it's a lateral move.

10. Where do you see your marriage in 10 years?

Awe man, in 10 years we'll have teenagers! I hope that means more freedom for our marriage. Maybe he and I can go places and do things again...like the olden days! 

10th Anniversary Countdown: Day 8

Have you ever attended live theater? You know when the sets change or the actors suddenly take flight across the stage? When those things happen, most people are swept up in the magic...blissfully suspending disbelief. I, on the other hand, see all of the levers and pulleys behind the tricks. Being Miss Analytical Mind 1981 (disclaimer: not a real title) makes me a great problem solver...but it makes me a terrible girlfriend. I am not a romantic...AT ALL...I see through the smoke and mirrors of the fantasy. To me it's just a bullshit way to spend extra time, money, and effort on something that isn't real..which is why my marriage proposal was perfect.

I knew it was coming. My man had already called my dad to ask his permission to marry me...we'd talked ring designs...and he'd scheduled a special date. On the night of that special date, I got dressed up in the new outfit I'd bought for the occasion (very bridal) and waited for my ring. And I waited...and waited. It was 30 minutes past the time he'd planned to pick me up. Because he was generally very prompt, I got concerned and gave him a call.  That's when he told me, he had called me earlier in the day and left a message telling me that he'd come down with influenza and had to cancel our date. Grrrr. I was all dressed up and ready to get engaged. But, I put on my big girl pants brought him some soup (and then went over to my girlfriends' house for chocolate and sympathy).

A month later, after he had recovered, he took me out to the Plaza (the fanciest part of the city). At the movie theatre, we saw Finding Neverland...which was a sweet, wistful film. We were nearly the only people in the restaurant that night. The Christmas lights that covered the buildings twinkled magically all around us as we strolled through the streets. It was all very romantic.

Several times, my man stopped and fumbled around in his pocket. Each time, a HUGE herd of people came rushing past us, causing my introverted sweetheart to think better of it and try to find a more secluded place to ask for my hand. Finally, it just got too cold to keep walking and we headed back toward the car...unengaged.

Back at the parking garage, I was buckling in and putting take away food boxes under the seat. As I raised my head I saw a little white box with a giant diamond ring in it. All my man managed to say was "will you marry me?"....no build up, no sweet talk...just straight to the point. I said yes and that was that.

And that's the story of how I got engaged in a 1995 Toyota Camry in a parking garage on the Plaza.

That building...the one in the background...that's where it all began!

10th Anniversary Countdown: Day 9

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” 

― Joseph Campbell

Watch This Video

This is one of the MOST accurate descriptions of being a young, married couple with little kids, ever set to music. Romance isn't even on the radar, people. It's surviving layoffs...making the best of ruined plans...paying bills you didn't plan for in the budget...sneaking intimacy into the small window of time between your children going to sleep and you collapsing, exhausted, into your own bed....all to the soundtrack of screaming children, barking dogs, educational children's programming, and incessant text alerts.

It's only recently I've been able to embrace this insanity as meaningful and fulfilling. Marriage and family are NOT at ALL what I expected...but that doesn't mean they aren't good. So, you want to know what it's like to be married for 10 years...it's just life, man.

10th Anniversary Countdown- Day 10

In a few short days my husband and I will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. 10!  A decade! 10% of a century! To celebrate this milestone, I decided to do a series of blog posts that are honest and authentic about marriage. There are a lot of things people don't tell you about being married...good things...funny things...challenging things...impossible things. I feel that withholding our stories from other people is unfair and unkind. So, I'm going to let this blog do what it does and share "the good, the bad, and the gray area" of being married.


COUNTDOWN: Day 10

As I reflect upon my nearly ten years of wedded bliss, I have this recurring thought...who in THE HELL let me get married when I was only 23 years old!!! This decision was permanent, final, forever...and I made it when I was a mere child! Yes, I had graduated college. Yes, I had a career. Yes, I lived on my own. But, 23!?!?  What did I know?!

I certainly didn't know my husband on a deep, intimate level. We only dated for 8 months before becoming engaged. Because we are Christians, we chose not to cohabitate or engage in...uh...sexual congress before marriage. That meant I only knew my groom-to-be through the dance that is dating.

Dating has been equated to a job interview. I get that. You try to present your best self, have correct answers, and seem extraordinarily appealing to your prospective spouse. Thankfully, the man I chose completely lacks guile. He was as honest with me about himself as he was able to be under the circumstances. So through dating, I was able to determine that he was a kind, generous, wise, helpful, faithful, brainy, strapping, nerd of a man...most of the things I was looking for in lifelong mate.

During the dating dance, I tried my best to be honest (well, honest-ish). In previous relationships, I had either adapted myself to highlight the qualities that my gentleman friend admired or had projected a persona to protect myself from rejection (sometimes a mix of both). In doing this, I wasn't TRYING to be dishonest, I just didn't know myself very well at all. But, I knew THIS man that I was dating was a potential keeper.

Because I didn't want to bait and switch him, I was very deliberate about being myself around him.  For instance when he disclosed that he was into Christian techno music, I wasn't all, "Oh, how fascinating! Tell me more about it." Instead I calmly and gently said, "You're a weird man and I would prefer not to listen to that genre of music when I am around, it grates on my nerves."  When he told me he didn't drink, I didn't say, "Oh yeah, me neither. I'm no godless heathen!" I was honest about my beliefs about moderation. I forced myself to give real answers even when it would have been in my best interest to pretend that I was a perfectly Baptist, well adjusted, genteel, young woman.

Even though we were both dedicated to honesty (though, there were some eleventh hour disclosures to be sure), there are things you CAN'T know about another person until you live with them. There are weird familial norms, gross habits, and annoying quirks that can only surface when you are in close enough proximity to no longer be able to be on your best behavior.  And as much as living in close proximity can reveal...adversity is the force that most efficiently compels the "real" you show through (more on that in another post).

But, because I was so young, I was not well acquainted with the "real" me. So when rough stuff happened, I was just as surprised at my brokenness as my husband was. I knew that I had some issues, but I honest to God did not know how deeply the dysfunction ran in my heart and mind. I was also surprised when I handled things with grace and ease. There were some unknown strengths within me that turned out to be vital for my marriage to work...I didn't know they were there because I'd never needed to use them outside of marriage.

I also discovered, sometimes the "real" me is kind of a fluid concept. Yes, there are always core values and deep convictions that are unchanging, but many of my preferences and gray area beliefs have shifted according to wisdom, life experience, season of life, and just a simple change of the mind.

There was a vast sea of things that I did not know when I was 23 years old. Here's what I did know...I knew the best way to choose a mate was by the strength of his character. I possessed enough wisdom to pick a kind, generous, wise, helpful, faithful, brainy, strapping, nerd of a man. Maybe I did know a thing or two when I was 23.