Self

"So there's selfishness over here and selflessness over here...where is just SELF?" -my therapist

If you know me personally, you know that I am a GIANT proponent of talk therapy.  In my opinion, everyone could benefit from seeing a qualified, licensed therapist, even for just a short time.  My personal therapist is a woman who listens and doesn't do a lot of talking...but occasionally she will say something that strikes me in such a profound way.  

Recently, I went to my session and talked a lot about where I am right now and the struggles I am having. As I have mentioned before, I have felt really good these past few months.  But, this isn't the first time I've had a nice stretch of peace and calm in my brain.  There have been other happy, healthy seasons.  During those times, a weird compulsion pops up...and is currently showing up in small ways.

You see when life is going well, I start to feel like something is missing.  I start looking for things to add into my life...I search around for some new challenge to undertake.  Chaos, stress, and strife have been the prevalent climate in which I've lived life.  When they are absent, there is a dysfunctional longing in my mind to find a way go get back to the status quo.

In addition to this weird desire for unpleasant circumstances, all of my life there have been messages around me that say that the best way to be "right" and "good" is to be selfless.  Guarding my heart, my mind, and my energy feels like selfishness.  I have some weird hangups with regard to these two extremes in the continuum of self.  So, in order to address the brokenness in my mind, I brought this up to my therapist.

I have made a great many decisions in my life to avoid being selfish/seeming selfish.  I've maintained toxic relationships, taken on responsibilities that very much didn't fit my skill set, and pushed myself to continue in work or personal situations even when it was taking a huge toll on my mental and physical health all because I wanted to prove that I was willing to sacrifice my self for the good of others.  I desire to be "right" and "good".  I want to flesh out the love God has shown me by giving my life to others.

One of my deepest desire is to be helpful to others and I consider that a healthy, holy desire.  BUT, the problem comes when I over-serve and over-sacrifice.  Previous to this season of life, I would have said, "it's selfish to feel burnt out and want to quit." or "there's no sacrifice too big.".  In the time that I have spent healing from Foster Failure, I've come to realize that those things aren't necessarily true.  There are sacrifices that are inappropriate... FOR ME.  That's not selfish...it's just attending to myself...and protecting my self...and knowing my self...and that's OK...even though there is a whole school of theology and philosophy that will vehemently disagree with this stance.

Life is hard.  I will be called upon to choose others needs over my own.  I will be called upon to love the unlovely.  I will be called upon to give more than I think I can bear. What I am choosing NOT to do is to SEEK those "opportunities" out.  Doing so, for me, is a form of self-flagellation and a way for me to EARN God's love and PROVE to Him that His sacrifice was worth it. Right now, I have to decide that a path of intentionally and systematically choosing avenues of self sacrifice is not the correct path for me.

God made me...my self.  He has a plan for this body, this heart, this soul.  Who am I to abuse them by taking on more than I can handle to prove I am worthy?  Who am I to seek out ways of hurting my mind and body so that I can be "selfless"?  I will do the hard work that God hands me...but I'm not going looking for it anymore.

Lenten Fast 2014 Journey: Day 18

It has been 18 days since Ash Wednesday.  As you might recall, I have decided to fast screen time from 6:30pm-6:30am each day (excluding Sundays...because...I guess that's how you do it).  While it might not seem like a giant thing to sacrifice, I assure you it hasn't been easy and I have broken my fast a few times.

A time or two, I literally just forgot that I was forgoing screen time and checked Facebook or something. My husband kindly reminded me to put my phone away.  The other 2-3 times, I just felt like I had "good excuses" for checking my phone or watching snippets of TV...like being stuck in a hotel room with 3 young children two nights in a row.  Then, yesterday, I went to a 7:00 movie with my sister.

Anywho, I have mostly been following my fast and I have learned a few things.

• I go to bed A LOT earlier if I am reading during the evening hours rather than using a screen. 
• I don't mindlessly snack as much in the evenings.  This has been a strange by product of my 2014 Lenten Fast.  I honestly did not realize how linked TV and food have become in my life.  But, when I am reading (or falling asleep earlier), I just don't have the ability to snack like I do when my eyes are fixed on a TV screen. 

• I must isolate myself from my family...either physically removing myself from them or removing my attention to a book or magazine. This has probably been the hardest obstacle in this year's fast. From 7:00-7:30-ish my kids get to watch a show before be time. While, frankly, I enjoy the break every now and then, I start to miss my kiddos some days. Also, in my ignorance, I forgot about March Madness.  Fortunately, most of the games my husband "needed" to watch have been afternoon games (and the teams he cared about are out now).
• Aside from reading, I don't really know what to do with my time in the evenings.  Through the years everything has started to become more and more connected to my laptop or phone.   I am not even able to write very much anymore if my fingers aren't on a keyboard.  In the past I would fill notebooks with words...now that just sounds like a lot more work. AND, since the rest of my family is NOT fasting screen time, it's hard to get the kids interested in a game or my husband engaged in a conversation.
•  There has been some space created for me to seek God for healing.  Through a few books I've read, I have been able to figure some things out about my heart and about my faith.  Really, connecting with God is the point of a Lenten Fast.  So, I am thankful that even my puny and failed attempts at fasting have allowed me to focus more on spiritual things. 

We are nearly half way to Easter.  The truth is, I am going to have to take each day as it comes...and choose not to give it up entirely when I inevitably falter and cheat on my fast.  For me, Lent is another part of accepting the journey...progress not perfection...understanding that nothing I do can make me holy and nothing I do will ever stop God from loving me.  

A More Ladylike Post On Fat-Hate

Dear friends, before I continue, I'd like to say that I'm sorry if you were offended by the language in my original post about fat-hate.  This is obviously a hot button issue for me and it's challenging for me to put my language filters on when I'm super angry.  Generally, I'm in the camp that says that good writing doesn't require swearing.  I've calmed down a little and I would like to unpack the reasoning behind my tirade...in an expletive free format.

First of all, my problem is not with Maria Kang.  I don't know her...though from the words she's written, she doesn't seem like the kind of woman I'd enjoy getting to know.  She is merely a woman who has thrust herself into the spotlight as the current poster-child for a long standing social issue.  My problem is specifically with the sentiment that she, and the hundreds of hateful commenters who threw their two cents into the argument, seems to hold so dear.  Namely, that fat people are not people.

I say this because fat-hate or fat-shaming are along the same lines of racism, sexism, ageism, homophobia, and all of the other -isms in this world.  What happens when we classify and vilify a people group, is that we reduce them to the sum of their "other-ness".  Racism assumes that color equals culture...usually in a negative way. Sexism assumes that genitalia is the total measurement of what a person is capable of .  Homophobia assumes that all a person has to give is sex.  Fat-hate assumes that the size of a person determines their worth.  In these instances the people who are being hated cease to be human and begin to be ISSUES.  I am NOT an issue. I am a woman who was fearfully and wonderfully made by God.

Proponents of fat-hate say that it's not the same as racism or sexism because it is something that the offending party can control (unlike skin color or gender).  "Calories in calories out!", they cry.  "Diet and exercise!", they shout.  "Just eat less!", they offer.  Dear readers, if it were REALLY that simple, I wouldn't be overweight.  I have tried to follow all of those tenets, and either they don't work, or it's ALL I can focus on.  Getting and staying thin and fit will consume my entire life...HAS consumed my life at one time or another.  Because of a myriad of factors, weight is an uphill battle that I can't ever stop fighting.  Never.  I refuse to let my size be the defining goal of my life.  There's more for me...and that's OK.

Additionally, for me, food is not just food.  Binge eating and compulsive overeating are eating disorders. Anorexia and COE are two sides of the same coin. Anorexics see food as the greatest enemy. We, the fat, often see food as a best friend. In fact, many researchers are beginning to realize, for many fat people, food is not a problem...it is a SOLUTION...a way to handle stress, pain, and loneliness. Food comforts my hurts, listens to my stresses, and  lets me celebrate.   There are deep rooted psychological and spiritual issues that are attached to food.  Most people would not dare look at an emaciated woman in the throes of anorexia and flippantly scream to her, "Just eat a sandwich stupid!". It's more complex than that. There is work to be done in her heart and her mind.  There is work to be done in MY heart and mind.  I'm doing a lot of that work with my therapist and with God.    Screaming, "Stop eating sandwiches stupid!" isn't going to help...in fact, it's going to hurt me and make me run into the orange stained arms of a bag of Cheetos.

I want to be healthy and I want to be strong.  Right now, it's vital that I get healthy and strong on the inside.  Until that happens, anything I do to my outside will be short lived and wasted effort.  It's not the job of the general public to tell me what my priorities are. It's not their job to measure me by my dress size.  It's not their job to reduce my humanity to the circumference of my waist.

An Emotionally Charged Post About Fat-Hate

Yesterday while I was working, I had a little down time.  I decided to cruise Yahoo!News and stumbled upon an article about Maria Kang...otherwise known as the "What's Your Excuse?" mom.  I tried to find it again for you to read, but Yahoo News changes every day.  So, here is a huffpost.com article along the same vein.

Here's the deal.  I don't care what Maria Kang does.  She's fit and fabulous?  Awesome.  What gets me going is 1. Her bitchy attitude. 2.The excruciatingly HATE FILLED comments in the article directed toward fat people.

Her bitchy attitude:

Posting a picture of your fit body is not fat shaming.  Assuming that anyone who doesn't look like you is a lazy lump of an excuse for a woman IS fat shaming.  She didn't say..."join me" or "we CAN do this" or "you deserve to take care of yourself". She pointed a finger and said "what's YOUR excuse?"  The language she chose was the language of shame...not the language of encouragement.

Then she issued a "non-apology":

"I've been getting an influx of new followers, emails and comments (on my profile pic) recently. Some saying I'm a bully, I'm fat-shaming and I need to apologize for the hurt I've caused women. I get it. SO here's my First and Final Apology:

I'm sorry you took an image and resonated with it in such a negative way. I won't go into details that I struggled with my genetics, had an eating disorder, work full time owning two business', have no nanny, am not naturally skinny and do not work as a personal trainer. I won't even mention how I didn't give into cravings for ice cream, french fries or chocolate while pregnant or use my growing belly as an excuse to be inactive.

What I WILL say is this. What you interpret is not MY fault. It's Yours. The first step in owning your life, your body and your destiny is to OWN the thoughts that come out of your own head. I didn't create them. You created them. So if you want to continue 'hating' this image, get used to hating many other things for the rest of your life. You can either blame, complain or obtain a new level of thought by challenging the negative words that come out of your own brain.

With that said, obesity and those who struggle with health-related diseases is literally a 'bigger' issue than this photo. Maybe it's time we stop tip-toeing around people's feelings and get to the point. So What's Your Excuse? -"

Firstly, offense is not the fault of the offended.  When the hell did that become true.  "Oh, I'm sorry you were offended when I said 'R%$#&@--F^&--N*@@#$--K#@!' but it's not what I said...it's the way YOU interpreted it and that's not MY fault." WHAT THE F$#@?!!!!!  WHY-WHY-WHY is it OK to use language that assumes so many negative attributes of a people group who look a certain way if that way happens to be FAT?!  

Secondly, I've never had my weight "tip toed" around.  Shit, I've been shamed since I became a little chubby as a 6 year old.  SHAMED.  HATED.  RUTHLESSLY MADE FUN OF!  I've had people roll their eyes when they saw that they had to sit next to this "fat person" on a plane.  I've had "friends" seat me in a front seat because they didn't think I'd fit in the back seat of a goddamn SUV!  That's not tiptoeing.  It's not Maria Kang!!  I am WELL aware of my size.  Hyper-aware of it.   

The hateful comments:

I am not using the term "hateful" lightly.  I probably read about 75-100 comments (there were OVER 2000).  The vast majority of them were basically saying that fat people have done this to themselves...that people who choose to be fat are lazy slobs who can't put down a fork...that fat people must not love their families or love themselves...that fat people are draining valuable health care resources because of their massive fatness.  

REALLY, you think I CHOSE to become part of the most hated people groups in our country? AT SIX YEARS OLD?  I've been on diets.  SO MANY DAMN DIETS!  I lost 100 lbs when I was 21.  You know how I did it?  Over exercising and stuffing my mouth full of processed, chemical laden, CRAP.  But, here's the deal...I was only 20 lbs from my ideal weight and I was still a plus sized woman.  Even at my "target" BMI I am still a fat woman, according to society.  

Also, I have all kinds of self control.  I am very disciplined about a lot of things.  I was abstinent until marriage, I have very little debt, I buckled down and finished college in less than 4 years.  I CAN put my fork down...I DO eat salads...I love vegetables...I can say no to ice cream.  But, the fact is.  I don't  want to go through my life being weird about food.  There are people in my life who are weird about food.  It's an enemy....something to be avoided.  I don't wish to do that.  I think that's not natural.

I DO love my family.  I feed them nutritious food.  I read stories to my children...take them to the park, teach them about self control...teach them about God.  I love and support my husband and we enjoy each other's company.  I can't say that I don't have a twinge of hate for myself...because that would be a lie...and it's probably a lie if YOU say it too.

ADDITIONALLY... ALL of my health issues are f*$*#-ing STRESS related...not FAT related.  I have low cholesterol, low blood pressure, excellent stats, except for the ones related to adrenal fatigue (which has even caused my insulin resistance).    Am I out of shape?  Yes...but so are my size 6 friends.  Do I have excuses?  Yup.  And they are valid ones. 

When you are battling against mental health and a fatigue inducing illness, keeping a leg up on perfect nutrition and making extra time for exercise is TOO DAMN MUCH.  I literally can't handle trying to keep track of one more thing.  If I eat well, it's to assuage my depression and anxiety...not to get skinny.  If I exercise it's to find peace and joy from moving my body and not PUSHING myself toward some lofty goal.  Yes, I have excuses and they are MINE.  

So, do what you want.  Live your life by YOUR convictions and ask yourself...why do you HATE fat people.  Because, clearly, it's not because you love us too much to let us be fat.  Why?  Why do you want us to live in shame?  Why do you want us to hate our bodies?  Why?  What good does that do?   You've hated me for nearly 30 years and I'm still fat.  

Lent 2014

For the last 5 1/2 years, we have attended a church that observes the Lenten season.  I will participate in the Receiving of Ashes on Wednesday and kick off a 40 day fast that ends on Easter Sunday.   Fasting during Lent is not a requirement of following Jesus.  The concept of the Lenten fast (as I understand it) is to deny yourself something in order to make space to intentionally connect with God.  When I find myself longing for the thing that I've given up I can use it as a reminder to pray or meditate on the things of God.  

Each year I choose a new thing to fast during Lent.  Last year I was feeling pretty rough, so I didn't choose a Lenten fast, but one year I fasted from Facebook each day until 5:00pm. Another year I gave up sugar.  I tried to fast from complaining one year, but it DID NOT go well.

This year I am choosing to give up screen time from dinner time until the next morning.  From around 6:30pm until 6:30am I am abstaining from television, Internet, and iPhone (except as an actual phone).  Instead of using screen time, I plan to read, do yoga, sit in a quiet room and reflect, chat with my husband or friends, and probably a plethora of other things that I've forgotten how to do since the advent of the Internet and Netflix.  Screen time isn't bad.  It is neutral.  I've chosen this fast because I am curious to see where my mind will go when I free it from the things that occupy it continually.

Disconnecting myself from screens entirely is not going to be possible.  We live in a screen laden world.  I'll have to use computers and videos as I teach.  My kids and husband are not fasting screen time, so there are going to be times when it will be unavoidable.  But, after dinner, I have more of an ability to sequester myself in my room, away from the screens.

I've been in a "desert" season in my faith for the last few years.  Since the trauma of Foster Failure, I've been questioning and reevaluating how I am living out my faith.  It is my hope that opening up some space in my schedule and my mind will allow me to get brave enough to finally take those questions and concerns to God.

These 40 days are going to be rough.  Even now I am thinking of specific times when I am going to have to fight the urge to use screen time tooth and nail .  If I don't make it, nobody will be mad at me...except for me of course (perfectionism).   It will be interesting to see what comes up as I take on The Great Screen Fast of 2014.

PS...I will post about this topic each Sunday until Easter.  I promise to be honest about my progress and honest about the results of this fast.

Thoughts From My Window Seat: Christian Extrovert to Christian Introvert

This is the first time I re-blogged something...I hope I did it right!
Thoughts From My Window Seat: Christian Extrovert to Christian Introvert: I recently read a blog post by a pastor named J.S. Parks. It was titled "14 Ways to Handle a Christian Introvert"   In his post, ...