Rumination

"Rumination is a process that involves deeply reflecting on a situation. When rumination becomes difficult to control, it can lead to negative psychological effects including depression and phobias (Note: also anxiety). The inability to stop ruminating on a particular thought is a hallmark of obsession." ~http://phobias.about.com/od/introductiontophobias/g/ruminationdef.htm

So many times on this blog I have shared that I have trouble with obsessive thoughts.  Well, a quick Google search (cause that's how I roll) brought up an entire facet of my illness that I thought was just a personality quirk.  Apparently, it's not normal to replay your failures over and over in your head.  Who knew?  Certainly not me.  I've always thought that there was something to be gleaned from running over a situation obsessively...not that there was any evidence of that. 

Even though it has not been my "training", I still have this sneaking feeling that God is mad at me every time I screw up.  I feel like everyone else has more self control, or is cooler under pressure, or quieter in a crowd, or able to resist anything which has Nutella in/on it.  So, when I inevitably fail, that failure hits me on a mental, physical, and spiritual level.  Then, because of my imbalances and habits, I keep asking it to punch me again, because this time "I CAN TAKE IT!".  I can take the truth about how my loud mouthed, overly opinionated, weak willed self!!  Except...I can't.  I never will.  I wasn't meant to.

Here's where life gets tricky.  Self-reflection and repentance are tenets of my faith.  I am supposed to be aware of my shortcomings, present them to God, and turn away from them. My trouble is I just obsess about my own shortcomings and try to figure out ways to change or modify my behavior.  It's not my first (or second, or ninetieth) instinct to present my shortcomings to God. 

The shock and scandal of a pastor's "fall from grace" is always amusing to me.  No, I am not a sadist who enjoys the pain of others.  It's just that...all Christians are a big nasty mess, that's why we're in church.  Jesus called to our broken, alienated, dark and brooding hearts...and because His call is irresistible, we answered.  That's it.  He called...we answered.  He didn't send me on a quest to find forgiveness.  He didn't make me pass a test to gauge the purity of my heart.  He didn't ask me a riddle to check the soundness of my mind.  He just loved me... before I ever loved Him. 

But..sometimes when we get something of great value given to us we feel like we are indebted to the giver and ashamed that we can't give an equally valuable gift in return.  When I was an impoverished college student, my teenaged sister worked a TON and was very generous with her gifts.  Instead of just being grateful, I was kind of embarrassed that I sometimes had to rely on the generosity of a high school kid.  I didn't have anything to offer her.  So, every time she bought me something, I had a little twinge of shame. 

That's the issue that I have with confessing my failures to Jesus.  It's not that He's ever asked me to repay him or has made a snide remark about having to give me more mercy than that girl over there...He's never done those things.  The problem isn't with Jesus.  The problem is me.  If I am ever going to have freedom from the obsessive rumination of my failures...I have to just get over myself and trust that I have forgiveness and love in Jesus. 

Just like all the other junk I am sorting through this year, ruminating will be a tough habit to break.  I've done it since I was a kid.  My strategies are aimed at hitting rumination where it lives...my heart and mind.  I plan to continue with positive self talk (which includes Biblical truth).  Also, many of the articles I read suggest pure distraction.  While I don't always think that's the way to go, for my situation it's going to be helpful.  Having been a stay at home mom for so many years, I had the mental free time to allow obsessive thoughts to run wild.  Going to work has helped IMMENSELY with this issue.  I also plan to have hope.  Hope is often a casualty of rumination.  I get SO entrenched in the thoughts that I can't imagine that there is any shred of good in me.  Because I am in God's family, that is not true.  I'm a spotless bride in the eyes of God.  I want to live like that's true.