NOTE: October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Though October is riddled with "awareness", I am very thankful that someone thought to set aside a day to remember the children that we've lost...or in my case, the one I never met.
Having a miscarriage is a devastating experience. People offer you comfort, but unless they've lost a baby, they can't know the surreal, confusing, ache that is born when your child ISN'T. Even after the event, life after miscarriage/infant loss continues to have twinges of pain and confusion. Every August 20th, I find myself remembering the procedure to remove the baby from my womb. He/she should have been born in late March. I find myself thinking of my baby around that time. I think about how old he/she would be now.
Probably the weirdest thing is when people ask me how many children I have and my heart hurts as I say 2 (instead of 3). In my heart I know I have THREE children...but it's unnecessary to go into that with strangers. I've told my oldest son that he has a brother/sister that died in my tummy before his Little Brother was born...so whenever I call Little Brother my 2nd baby, Big Brother corrects me and says, "No mama, he's your 3rd baby."
The solace that I have when I think of that little one is that he/she is with Jesus. He has named my child and knows him/her. I will see that child when I go to be with God...and we will know one another. That baby is in good hands.
I posted this is on Facebook when my youngest son was just a few weeks old. Reading through it again, I am still moved by the amazing circumstances that helped bring some measure of healing as I celebrated a new baby and grieved the one I'd lost.
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November 2010:
Today was baby dedication day at church. It was a day filled with joy for me as I brought my new baby to church for the first time. Though I had this little bundle in my arms I wept as the pastor mentioned that though we are celebrating these children it's important that we remember to walk with one another even in the pain of infertility and loss of a child. My heart clinched in my chest as I reflected back on last year's baby dedication.
The Friday before last year's baby dedication I found out that the baby in my womb had stopped living 2 weeks before. I was blindsided as I walked into church and heard that it was baby dedication day. But, I belong to a God who knows me and cares for my heart. By His grace I was honestly able to rejoice with those wonderful families that we had come to know over our first year at Redeemer. I was grieving and experiencing deep and painful emotions from this loss. Knowing my heart, God continued to care for me and showed me beautiful consideration over the next year. His hand was so evident in every aspect of Baby Boy's conception, pregnancy and birth that I kept finding myself saying "what are the odds?".
What are the odds that:
The very day I had my scheduled yearly visit with my OBGYN I would have an implantation dip on my BBT chart (a family planning technique)...a biological sign that conception has occurred.
She would prescribe me progesterone for luteal phase defect during that visit...and this medicine would get me through my first trimester as my progesterone levels were low...the same cause of my previous miscarriage.
For my anxiety ridden 6 week sonogram, I would have the same technician who had to give me the news that my last baby was no longer living...who now joyfully told me we had a heartbeat...a technician I never saw outside of those two circumstances.
The Lord would change my mind from having a 40 week induction to a 41st week induction...which allowed for some phenomenal time with Big Boy as I enjoyed an unexplained burst of energy my last week of pregnancy.
On the Sunday before my induction, my pastor's wife would have her baby 2 weeks early causing a fill in preacher to preach a wonderfully healing message about all things working together for the good of those who love the Lord...a sermon where he spent considerable time talking about finding hope in God through death and miscarriage...and how sometimes God will show His purpose and sometimes He won't...but He always has a purpose.
My OB would be out of town at the end of my 41st week resulting in my having to deliver at a different hospital... the hospital that I could not bear to drive by as it reminded me of the surgery I had there that removed my lost baby from my womb...the hospital where I could now happily associate a wonderful, healthy birth.
And today would be another baby dedication...a once a year event...last year it was in August...this year it just HAPPENS to be the day we are ready for the baby to venture out to church.
I would say the odds of these things just randomly happening by circumstance are fairly low. No, instead I see all of these things as carefully orchestrated events that God brought into my life to promote healing and increase my love and devotion for Him. What a kind and loving God to know my heart and the pain and confusion inside of it. What a powerful God to allow me to literally see how connected moments of life can be .
Today I worshiped the God who not only gave His own son in order that I might be able to be in a relationship with Him, but is an active and caring participant in that relationship.
He loves me, and I know it. He doesn't have to show me anything or reveal His work in my life, but this time He did and I am so thankful.
Life Less Sweet: Documentation of my struggle with depression and anxiety.
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