Ok, that title makes me sound crazier than I actually am! What I want to chat about today are the messages that we give ourselves each day and in times of failure or need.
My Inner Dialogue is mean as hell. She's the one who tells me I am a failure...that I am worthless...that no one really likes me...that I'm ugly and disgusting to behold...that God is disappointed with me, again. This voice rarely says anything positive or productive. (If she says something edifying, I get suspicious of her motives.)
The cutting words of my Inner Dialogue are not the same as the whisper of the Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit convicts me when I am wrong and brings me to repentance and peace. Inner Dialogue's job is to keep me obsessing and emotionally impotent. This is the voice that blames me for everything that goes wrong in my life. She heaps shame and guilt on me whether or not I deserve it. Her words beat my heart up and then kick me mercilessly when I am down. She wants me as far from the peace of God as possible.
One of the new tools in my toolbox of emotional well being is using positive self talk to combat my Inner Dialogue. It's an intentional conversation I have to have with myself in order to give myself an appropriate perspective. Sometimes I use words from the Bible to make her stop talking. I repeat the over and over as I find myself tensing up and clenching my jaw. "Jesus died for me when I was still His enemy and He loves me desperately...Nothing can separate me from His love." Most of the time, though, my new messages are basic and small. "I did my best, that's all I can do" or "This is NOT my fault, things just happen sometimes" or "I made a mistake, I'll do better next time".
While those might sound like dumb things to have to tell yourself, they REALLY help me. I have a very hard time forgiving myself for mistakes and missteps. Giving myself permission to forgive myself and gaining perspective on the size of the mistake allows me to get out from under the crushing weight of the accusations of Inner Dialogue.
I am sharing this as I face a "failure" this week. My "new" SUV is in the shop for the 3rd time in the month we've owned it. It's been in for several different problems, but this time they found a VERY serious and expensive problem. They tried to make us pay nearly $1,000 for the fix (which was only HALF of it). I got mad. They sold me a broken car and I wasn't going to pay for a $1,000 dollar repair 30 DAYS after I bought a car. I plead my case and they agreed to completely cover the cost of the repairs. I actually think that's fair. I shouldn't have to replace a WHOLE system a month in...that's bad business on their part. BUT...
Inner Dialogue is saying, "well, you're stupid for buying a broken car in the first place" and "you should pay for it because you're the idiot who bought the car" and "you're just trying to get something for nothing by complaining". She's wrong...and most of me understands that. In order to keep her from pushing me down I've had to actively tell myself, "you made a good choice based on the facts you had. The car had low miles, a clean Carfax, and supposedly had all of the major systems inspected and serviced" and "They sold ME a broken car... this is their problem to rectify" and "It's not pushy to communicate unfairness and stand up for yourself".
I'm dead serious when I say that I am minute by minute having to run through these messages in my mind. Inner Dialogue is relentless and constant. I won't stand for it this time. I will not allow the voice in my head to bring me low and push me into depression over a damned car. Keeping your sanity is WORK, but it's work worth doing.
Life Less Sweet: Documentation of my struggle with depression and anxiety.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Workin' For A Livin'
In an earlier post (link here), I outlined the many reasons why I decided to increase the time I spend working outside of my home. I’ve been back to work as a substitute teacher for about 3 weeks now. Because it’s the beginning of the year, however, I've only worked 6 out of 12 days. (Teachers don’t like to be gone the first few weeks of school and there are some blackout days around the Labor Day holiday when classroom teachers risk being docked pay if they call in.)
I’ve already seen some outcomes in the few short weeks I’ve been back to work. Here is an update on each of the areas of my life that the work-at home balance effects.
• The Endlessness: I’m going to be honest here; it has been WONDERFUL to be able to have some completion in my life. Stay at home mothering has frustrated my need to achieve. Every day I work I have a beginning, middle, and end to my day. When it’s over, I can feel confident that I did my best, leave the day behind, and go home and enjoy my family and home.
Additionally, nearly EVERY day that I have worked this quarter, other teachers/paras/aides have specifically asked me to leave my name and number so they can request me in the future. I am a really good sub and it’s so encouraging to have other professionals validate my work. I don’t say that to brag, but to contrast it with what it has felt like to be a stay at home mom. I never get good feedback for my mothering. I seldom believe that I am a really good mom. By making mothering my “vocation”, I have been lost in a sea of criticism (self, peer, societal, etc.) I still get to deal with that criticism because I am still a mother. But, by adding in another element of vocational expression, I have lowered the stakes with regard to my performance as a mom.
• Boredom: Girl, I ain’t got time to be bored! My days go SOOOO much faster now. I get up at 5:45am, get myself ready, team up with my husband to get the kids ready, drop Little Brother off at preschool or Nana’s house and go to school. I’m there until 3:30. From there I usually run to the store or run another errand, go pick up the kids, head home, cook dinner, hang out with kiddos, clean up from dinner, do bedtime, hang out with my husband, take a shower, and go to bed at 10:30. It’s a FULL day. I don’t mind busy-ness as long as it feels productive and well managed.
One thing that has been a little different is that I am making a conscious effort to keep my evenings free. My time with my kids is much more precious to me now. I only have a few hours with them each evening and I want to enjoy them and love on them…hear about their days. As a vocational mom, evenings were a chance to get out of the house and have some adult time. I’m getting that need met at work now, so now I have to guard my time with my boys.
• Extrovert Needs: I get to talk to new people every day. There are children, staff, faculty, and parents that I have the opportunity to engage each day that I work. I’m not developing deep and meaningful relationships…I already have those. What I need is an outlet to express my extroversion…to use my words…to make connections with human beings each day…to be part of a larger whole. I am most assuredly not feeling very lonely right now.
Even though the general trajectory of this endeavor is positive, not everything is 100% awesome. Little Brother wails pitifully every morning that I drop him off at school and it breaks my heart(even though he loves it once he's been there for about 10 minutes) and every night at dinner he tells me he missed me and cried for me at school. But, any guilt I feel when he cries at preschool drop off is balanced by the knowledge that I am doing this for him…for his brother…for our whole family. Yes, adding more work days into my schedule is about me and getting some of my needs met. In the grander scheme, though, I need to have my needs met so that I have a full cup to pour out into them. I’m not worn out from the endlessness, boredom, and loneliness. I’m free to give them my full attention and energy in the little window of time we have together. My heart is lighter and there is joy in my smile again. That joy comes from honoring the way I was created instead of trying to push myself into some role that just doesn’t fit the shape of my soul.
I’ve already seen some outcomes in the few short weeks I’ve been back to work. Here is an update on each of the areas of my life that the work-at home balance effects.
• The Endlessness: I’m going to be honest here; it has been WONDERFUL to be able to have some completion in my life. Stay at home mothering has frustrated my need to achieve. Every day I work I have a beginning, middle, and end to my day. When it’s over, I can feel confident that I did my best, leave the day behind, and go home and enjoy my family and home.
Additionally, nearly EVERY day that I have worked this quarter, other teachers/paras/aides have specifically asked me to leave my name and number so they can request me in the future. I am a really good sub and it’s so encouraging to have other professionals validate my work. I don’t say that to brag, but to contrast it with what it has felt like to be a stay at home mom. I never get good feedback for my mothering. I seldom believe that I am a really good mom. By making mothering my “vocation”, I have been lost in a sea of criticism (self, peer, societal, etc.) I still get to deal with that criticism because I am still a mother. But, by adding in another element of vocational expression, I have lowered the stakes with regard to my performance as a mom.
• Boredom: Girl, I ain’t got time to be bored! My days go SOOOO much faster now. I get up at 5:45am, get myself ready, team up with my husband to get the kids ready, drop Little Brother off at preschool or Nana’s house and go to school. I’m there until 3:30. From there I usually run to the store or run another errand, go pick up the kids, head home, cook dinner, hang out with kiddos, clean up from dinner, do bedtime, hang out with my husband, take a shower, and go to bed at 10:30. It’s a FULL day. I don’t mind busy-ness as long as it feels productive and well managed.
One thing that has been a little different is that I am making a conscious effort to keep my evenings free. My time with my kids is much more precious to me now. I only have a few hours with them each evening and I want to enjoy them and love on them…hear about their days. As a vocational mom, evenings were a chance to get out of the house and have some adult time. I’m getting that need met at work now, so now I have to guard my time with my boys.
• Extrovert Needs: I get to talk to new people every day. There are children, staff, faculty, and parents that I have the opportunity to engage each day that I work. I’m not developing deep and meaningful relationships…I already have those. What I need is an outlet to express my extroversion…to use my words…to make connections with human beings each day…to be part of a larger whole. I am most assuredly not feeling very lonely right now.
Even though the general trajectory of this endeavor is positive, not everything is 100% awesome. Little Brother wails pitifully every morning that I drop him off at school and it breaks my heart(even though he loves it once he's been there for about 10 minutes) and every night at dinner he tells me he missed me and cried for me at school. But, any guilt I feel when he cries at preschool drop off is balanced by the knowledge that I am doing this for him…for his brother…for our whole family. Yes, adding more work days into my schedule is about me and getting some of my needs met. In the grander scheme, though, I need to have my needs met so that I have a full cup to pour out into them. I’m not worn out from the endlessness, boredom, and loneliness. I’m free to give them my full attention and energy in the little window of time we have together. My heart is lighter and there is joy in my smile again. That joy comes from honoring the way I was created instead of trying to push myself into some role that just doesn’t fit the shape of my soul.
Monday, September 2, 2013
State Of The Struggle Address: September 2013
It's been over nine months since I began my intentional endeavor to work on my mental/physical health. Since then I've learned more about my body and what makes it work/not work. Many of the modifications I've made to my lifestyle have been easy to maintain...others...not so much. What's most exciting is that I am beginning to be OK with realizing that transforming my life to promote optimal physical and mental health is going to be a marathon and not a sprint.
Some positive new developments:
1. I pretty much do not eat nightshade vegetables, potatoes, wheat based pasta, dairy (except my allowed cheeses and yogurt) pork, red meat, or shellfish...EVER. They're on my list of items not to consume...and I've avoided them except for the odd occasion.
2. For the most part I've eliminated beer and mixed drinks from my diet. I've also cut out most soft drinks. My sister introduced me to a lightly flavored seltzer water that is a great substitute for soda and has no sugar or artificial flavorings.
3. My depression is MUCH MUCH better. I've been taking my medicine religiously and working very hard to avoid stress (although it finds me!). I'm hardly ever manifesting rage and have been able to enjoy my family in a more complete way.
4. School has started and I am back to work. The new rhythm that my family is finding seems very positive.
Some things that need work:
1. After work, especially, I still DESIRE and often consume extra food. I am not really hungry or craving anything, it's just a habit...kind of an exhale from my day. I'm trying to combat this by packing a healthy (but desirable) snack in my lunch for after school
2. I've gotten back into the sugar habit again (and refined flour buns for hot dogs and burgers...turkey of course). I was doing so well. I don't even really want it anymore, it's just a habit, like muscle memory. The only thing I can do about it at this point is to pray and to try my best to form new habits to take the place of eating sugar.
3. I haven't starting exercising regularly yet. My husband just helped to clear the space for my at-home yoga studio this weekend. At 9:00pm, I plan to go upstairs to do 30 min of yoga each weeknight. It should help me unwind and get ready for bed. I was supposed to try and fit yoga in between work and picking the kids up from school, but yoga isn't going to fit into the schedule at that time.
4. I'm having physical anxiety symptoms. My mind is fine and I am not really actively worrying about anything, but my body is still taking a hit whenever stress presents itself. I think yoga and meditation will help.
So, that's what's going on in my fight to stay sane and healthy. Overall, I am happy with how things are going. Yes, there are things that need improvement, but I'll do what I can and continue on this journey one choice at a time.
Some positive new developments:
1. I pretty much do not eat nightshade vegetables, potatoes, wheat based pasta, dairy (except my allowed cheeses and yogurt) pork, red meat, or shellfish...EVER. They're on my list of items not to consume...and I've avoided them except for the odd occasion.
2. For the most part I've eliminated beer and mixed drinks from my diet. I've also cut out most soft drinks. My sister introduced me to a lightly flavored seltzer water that is a great substitute for soda and has no sugar or artificial flavorings.
3. My depression is MUCH MUCH better. I've been taking my medicine religiously and working very hard to avoid stress (although it finds me!). I'm hardly ever manifesting rage and have been able to enjoy my family in a more complete way.
4. School has started and I am back to work. The new rhythm that my family is finding seems very positive.
Some things that need work:
1. After work, especially, I still DESIRE and often consume extra food. I am not really hungry or craving anything, it's just a habit...kind of an exhale from my day. I'm trying to combat this by packing a healthy (but desirable) snack in my lunch for after school
2. I've gotten back into the sugar habit again (and refined flour buns for hot dogs and burgers...turkey of course). I was doing so well. I don't even really want it anymore, it's just a habit, like muscle memory. The only thing I can do about it at this point is to pray and to try my best to form new habits to take the place of eating sugar.
3. I haven't starting exercising regularly yet. My husband just helped to clear the space for my at-home yoga studio this weekend. At 9:00pm, I plan to go upstairs to do 30 min of yoga each weeknight. It should help me unwind and get ready for bed. I was supposed to try and fit yoga in between work and picking the kids up from school, but yoga isn't going to fit into the schedule at that time.
4. I'm having physical anxiety symptoms. My mind is fine and I am not really actively worrying about anything, but my body is still taking a hit whenever stress presents itself. I think yoga and meditation will help.
So, that's what's going on in my fight to stay sane and healthy. Overall, I am happy with how things are going. Yes, there are things that need improvement, but I'll do what I can and continue on this journey one choice at a time.
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