The Limitations of Medication

I feel bad right now. It's been a rough couple of weeks. Now, if you are familiar with the world of depression, you'll know that "bad", "rough", "hard", etc. are euphemisms for a depression flare up. There is a mental health concept known as "triggering". That means that something has come up in the life of the person suffering from depression that irritates their wounds and causes their hearts and minds hurt anew.

Ladies and gentlemen, if triggers exist, August has been a MINEFIELD for me. It feels like every time I turn around I get another kick in the heart. The details aren't vital, but the wounds are reopening in all the spheres of my life. It starts off as one "bad" day and then another...then it's been a "bad" week...then a "rough" couple weeks...and finally it dawns on me that, despite my safeguards, I am in the midst of another bout of depression.

For nearly four years I have been on an antidepressant (and really should have been on one LONG before that). I consider it a mercy from God. The medicine has been a tremendous help for me and I can honestly say that I might not be here today if it weren't for my SSRI. But, for as helpful as it is, medication has it's limits. Now and then situations and seasons arise that bring me beyond the confines of what it can be expected to do.

If you'll allow me to draw from the recent misery that is the heat of August, I can create an analogy. When the heat comes, I personally retreat indoors where there is shade and climate control. I consider it a summer snow day and don't leave the house in order to avoid the oppressive heat. If I do need to leave my house, I hop in my car and blast the air conditioner. But, sometimes, when the heat index is 105 or above, all that air conditioner does is make a lot of noise. It's not broken. The system is functioning the way it was designed to...there is just too much heat. The cooling system is just not strong enough to cool the car.

Heat is to air conditioning as emotional distress is to Zoloft. Sometimes there is just too much going on in my brain for the medicine to help. It's working the way it's designed to...it isn't broken, it just isn't strong enough to handle what I am throwing at it. Right now is one of those times. So, in response, I am hurting pretty badly right now.

I like to keep my blog both honest and hopeful...but honestly, it's hard to have hope when I feel like I'm being forced to march down a treacherous road I've already been down.

*Disclaimer...I am not, nor have I EVER, written this blog to illicit attention or pity from any of you. I write to share my struggle, to support others, and paint an authentic picture of what it is like to live with mental illness.