I feel bad right now. It's been a rough couple of weeks. Now, if you are familiar with the world of depression, you'll know that "bad", "rough", "hard", etc. are euphemisms for a depression flare up. There is a mental health concept known as "triggering". That means that something has come up in the life of the person suffering from depression that irritates their wounds and causes their hearts and minds hurt anew.
Ladies and gentlemen, if triggers exist, August has been a MINEFIELD for me. It feels like every time I turn around I get another kick in the heart. The details aren't vital, but the wounds are reopening in all the spheres of my life. It starts off as one "bad" day and then another...then it's been a "bad" week...then a "rough" couple weeks...and finally it dawns on me that, despite my safeguards, I am in the midst of another bout of depression.
For nearly four years I have been on an antidepressant (and really should have been on one LONG before that). I consider it a mercy from God. The medicine has been a tremendous help for me and I can honestly say that I might not be here today if it weren't for my SSRI. But, for as helpful as it is, medication has it's limits. Now and then situations and seasons arise that bring me beyond the confines of what it can be expected to do.
If you'll allow me to draw from the recent misery that is the heat of August, I can create an analogy. When the heat comes, I personally retreat indoors where there is shade and climate control. I consider it a summer snow day and don't leave the house in order to avoid the oppressive heat. If I do need to leave my house, I hop in my car and blast the air conditioner. But, sometimes, when the heat index is 105 or above, all that air conditioner does is make a lot of noise. It's not broken. The system is functioning the way it was designed to...there is just too much heat. The cooling system is just not strong enough to cool the car.
Heat is to air conditioning as emotional distress is to Zoloft. Sometimes there is just too much going on in my brain for the medicine to help. It's working the way it's designed to...it isn't broken, it just isn't strong enough to handle what I am throwing at it. Right now is one of those times. So, in response, I am hurting pretty badly right now.
I like to keep my blog both honest and hopeful...but honestly, it's hard to have hope when I feel like I'm being forced to march down a treacherous road I've already been down.
*Disclaimer...I am not, nor have I EVER, written this blog to illicit attention or pity from any of you. I write to share my struggle, to support others, and paint an authentic picture of what it is like to live with mental illness.
Life Less Sweet: Documentation of my struggle with depression and anxiety.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Saturday, August 23, 2014
What I Need To Say
A few days ago I decided to take a brief hiatus from Facebook. It's not usually my modus operandi to respond to social media drama by dropping out of it, but for my soul and my emotional well being, I had to remove myself from that environment. The combination of factors ranging from transitions in my family life to the recent conversations around depression and suicide to the painfully polarizing debate over race in our nation has brought my soul into great distress.
God has created me as a feeler. Since my earliest days I have had a natural tendency to connect to the pain of others and share in it as if it were my own. God does not incite the desire to associate with EVERY anguish, but when the Holy Spirit decides to waken that fire in my belly, I am unable to ignore it. There are a handful of topics where God has made my heart particularly soft. I am compelled to involve myself emotionally with these matters.
Now, what I SHOULD do in response this is fall prostrate and plead for these things to a perfect God who has the power to effect healing. Because I am an imperfect, broken vessel, what often happens instead is that I get myself into relationally risky social media debates. This is the wrong response (for me) and I repent of it. However, I will not apologize or repent for being an inordinately emotional being. Though it sometimes causes me sorrow, I consider my innate ability to empathize as a beautiful gift from the Lord.
God has created me as a feeler. Since my earliest days I have had a natural tendency to connect to the pain of others and share in it as if it were my own. God does not incite the desire to associate with EVERY anguish, but when the Holy Spirit decides to waken that fire in my belly, I am unable to ignore it. There are a handful of topics where God has made my heart particularly soft. I am compelled to involve myself emotionally with these matters.
Now, what I SHOULD do in response this is fall prostrate and plead for these things to a perfect God who has the power to effect healing. Because I am an imperfect, broken vessel, what often happens instead is that I get myself into relationally risky social media debates. This is the wrong response (for me) and I repent of it. However, I will not apologize or repent for being an inordinately emotional being. Though it sometimes causes me sorrow, I consider my innate ability to empathize as a beautiful gift from the Lord.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Who Among Us
Robin Williams died today. At the time of this posting it is speculated that he died by his own hand. Facebook is awash in outpourings of grief for this lost celebrity. Maybe for you this is not a pointed loss, but for me (and millions of others), it is. I am shedding tears tonight for this man who, through his film Dead Poets Society, became part of the fabric of my heart.
There was something visceral about that movie. Young men fraught with angst, loneliness, fear, futility, and powerlessness encounter a teacher who connects them to the rest of humanity with a passion for poetry. They find voices they never knew they had through the written word. Dead Poets Society is so beautiful and lyrical and rich and I loved it from the first time I saw it. It was the movie that inspired me to be both a writer and and teacher. I've absorbed it as part of MY story.
But, even in the film we see that tender hearts and sensitive souls are more fragile. We see Neil, who is a young man with a desire for the stage. When he realizes he is facing a future with all of the choices stripped from him, he takes his own life. Creatives always have a twinge of fragility. I don't think it's possible to feel SO deeply that you MUST make art without being broken (I say this as a writer). So, I am not surprised that Mr. Williams, a creative to the core, committed suicide...deeply saddened...but not surprised.
Sometimes the dejection, the meaninglessness, the utter intensity of feeling all of the feelings all of the time makes life unbearable. This, my friends, I say from experience. I, myself, have had several days, weeks, months, where I was so numb I couldn't feel anything. In my brain, I knew that I was a bright, personable, giving young woman. But in my guts, I felt an overwhelming nothingness. Dark, thick, pointlessness and uselessness were the weights that I carried all through those seasons. During those times, I often daydreamed about killing myself. I wasn't trying to get attention or garner sympathy (and am not doing so in writing this). I, honest to God, just felt like a black hole for love. Praise God, I didn't follow through with my poetic demise. Almost every time, a series of supernatural interventions prevented me from turning my dark fantasies into realities.
As I got older I met more and more people with whom I felt safe disclosing my dark times. In sharing my depression I discovered something precious and sad...a great many of us have been in that hellish place where we consider ending our lives. It's sad because...well...it's tragic that such a large number of human beings have considered that everything would be better if they just went away...that the pain...the nothingness...would end when they ceased to be.
It's precious because there is hope in hearing the stories of other people who have lived through immense pain, grief, loss, confusion and depression . They have stepped down from the ledge...found the strength to do one more day. For most of us, suicidal thoughts and desires have burned out before coming to fruition. The anguish passed and we went on to have more hopeful seasons.
THIS IS WHY I BLOG!
Those of us who have close, personal experience with mental illness need to be honest about our struggles. We need to share our hope with others. In our times of health and brightness, we need to stand alongside our brothers and sisters who are walking through the black nights of their souls. I don't mean to imply that we need to tell our sordid stories to every person we encounter on an elevator. Rather, we need to take stock of our relationships and slow down to see who might be hurting.
Pay attention. Is someone you love abusing drugs, alcohol, food, sex, piercing, tattooing, work? These are all "medications" for a suffering heart. Talk to them about the pain they are trying to dull (or the numb they are trying to pain). Look into the eyes of, "I'm fine". It doesn't take much effort to see evasion in someone's eyes...especially if you've been the one hiding your depression...you'll know that "look". Be honest when you are feeling low yourself. Sometimes the most healing thing I ever heard was a shocked, "Me too!".
Today, an artist took his life. A human being who shared his wacky mind and earnest heart with millions of people is no more. I never met this man...but if I had the opportunity to have a substantial conversation with him...I would have looked him in his eyes and said, "Me too!".
There was something visceral about that movie. Young men fraught with angst, loneliness, fear, futility, and powerlessness encounter a teacher who connects them to the rest of humanity with a passion for poetry. They find voices they never knew they had through the written word. Dead Poets Society is so beautiful and lyrical and rich and I loved it from the first time I saw it. It was the movie that inspired me to be both a writer and and teacher. I've absorbed it as part of MY story.
But, even in the film we see that tender hearts and sensitive souls are more fragile. We see Neil, who is a young man with a desire for the stage. When he realizes he is facing a future with all of the choices stripped from him, he takes his own life. Creatives always have a twinge of fragility. I don't think it's possible to feel SO deeply that you MUST make art without being broken (I say this as a writer). So, I am not surprised that Mr. Williams, a creative to the core, committed suicide...deeply saddened...but not surprised.
Sometimes the dejection, the meaninglessness, the utter intensity of feeling all of the feelings all of the time makes life unbearable. This, my friends, I say from experience. I, myself, have had several days, weeks, months, where I was so numb I couldn't feel anything. In my brain, I knew that I was a bright, personable, giving young woman. But in my guts, I felt an overwhelming nothingness. Dark, thick, pointlessness and uselessness were the weights that I carried all through those seasons. During those times, I often daydreamed about killing myself. I wasn't trying to get attention or garner sympathy (and am not doing so in writing this). I, honest to God, just felt like a black hole for love. Praise God, I didn't follow through with my poetic demise. Almost every time, a series of supernatural interventions prevented me from turning my dark fantasies into realities.
As I got older I met more and more people with whom I felt safe disclosing my dark times. In sharing my depression I discovered something precious and sad...a great many of us have been in that hellish place where we consider ending our lives. It's sad because...well...it's tragic that such a large number of human beings have considered that everything would be better if they just went away...that the pain...the nothingness...would end when they ceased to be.
It's precious because there is hope in hearing the stories of other people who have lived through immense pain, grief, loss, confusion and depression . They have stepped down from the ledge...found the strength to do one more day. For most of us, suicidal thoughts and desires have burned out before coming to fruition. The anguish passed and we went on to have more hopeful seasons.
THIS IS WHY I BLOG!
Those of us who have close, personal experience with mental illness need to be honest about our struggles. We need to share our hope with others. In our times of health and brightness, we need to stand alongside our brothers and sisters who are walking through the black nights of their souls. I don't mean to imply that we need to tell our sordid stories to every person we encounter on an elevator. Rather, we need to take stock of our relationships and slow down to see who might be hurting.
Pay attention. Is someone you love abusing drugs, alcohol, food, sex, piercing, tattooing, work? These are all "medications" for a suffering heart. Talk to them about the pain they are trying to dull (or the numb they are trying to pain). Look into the eyes of, "I'm fine". It doesn't take much effort to see evasion in someone's eyes...especially if you've been the one hiding your depression...you'll know that "look". Be honest when you are feeling low yourself. Sometimes the most healing thing I ever heard was a shocked, "Me too!".
Today, an artist took his life. A human being who shared his wacky mind and earnest heart with millions of people is no more. I never met this man...but if I had the opportunity to have a substantial conversation with him...I would have looked him in his eyes and said, "Me too!".
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Unexpected Effects
Ten pills...I take ten pills a day now. A few weeks ago I got my prescription from my naturopathic doctor. I've been on the new medicine for a little over a week now. It's helping. Although the first few days I felt WIRED (like I had gulped down 3-4 cups of coffee), my energy level has tapered off at higher than normal but not overly hyper. That is a welcome change.
Besides higher energy and a little more even mood, I have an unexpected effect from the medication. You see, I've had anxiety AT LEAST since my senior year of high school (15 YEARS people!!). Because of that, I have carried obscene amounts of tension in my neck, shoulders, and face. Most of the time I do not have full range of motion in my neck due to extreme tension. Usually my trapezius muscles are so stiff that it feels like I have metal rods in my shoulders instead of flesh. No joke, I have had massage therapists tell me that they could not massage my neck and shoulders because they were too tight.
Treating the imbalances in my body chemistry has allowed my body to stop being so damn uptight. As a result, my muscles are starting to relax a little...and OH MY GRACIOUS it hurts so much! Who knew that after 15+ years of tension, my muscles would feel like someone had used them as a punching bag?! My shoulders and neck are throbbing and achy. I've gotten a couple of tension headaches from UN-TENSING my body. There has even been a random uptick in my physical anxiety symptoms because my body just feels weird and that of course makes me certain I am going to die and I get anxious. I am able to talk myself down and remember that relaxed muscles are a good thing.
I'm still getting used to the "floppy" feeling of my newly relaxed muscles. My instinct is to re-tense them...just because that feels normal. Sometimes healing is weird...sometimes it causes pain to heal. Ultimately, I know that this weird new side effect of balancing my biochemistry will subside and I will grow more and more accustomed to living life without constant physical tension.
Besides higher energy and a little more even mood, I have an unexpected effect from the medication. You see, I've had anxiety AT LEAST since my senior year of high school (15 YEARS people!!). Because of that, I have carried obscene amounts of tension in my neck, shoulders, and face. Most of the time I do not have full range of motion in my neck due to extreme tension. Usually my trapezius muscles are so stiff that it feels like I have metal rods in my shoulders instead of flesh. No joke, I have had massage therapists tell me that they could not massage my neck and shoulders because they were too tight.
Treating the imbalances in my body chemistry has allowed my body to stop being so damn uptight. As a result, my muscles are starting to relax a little...and OH MY GRACIOUS it hurts so much! Who knew that after 15+ years of tension, my muscles would feel like someone had used them as a punching bag?! My shoulders and neck are throbbing and achy. I've gotten a couple of tension headaches from UN-TENSING my body. There has even been a random uptick in my physical anxiety symptoms because my body just feels weird and that of course makes me certain I am going to die and I get anxious. I am able to talk myself down and remember that relaxed muscles are a good thing.
I'm still getting used to the "floppy" feeling of my newly relaxed muscles. My instinct is to re-tense them...just because that feels normal. Sometimes healing is weird...sometimes it causes pain to heal. Ultimately, I know that this weird new side effect of balancing my biochemistry will subside and I will grow more and more accustomed to living life without constant physical tension.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Fresh Start
In T minus one week, my Big Boy will start a new school. He spent his first two years at a Spanish immersion school. Since he's a strong learner, he picked up all that he needed to learn, but was frustrated by the slow-ish pace of the learning as well as irritated by the constant drill and practice worksheets he was required to do. The environment of his classroom was also quite chaotic. By winter break of his 1st grade year, he had basically shut down and seemed depressed. We happen to live in a district that has a nice handful of public magnet and charter schools. They are a little tricky to get into, but we were gifted with the opportunity to switch from the Spanish magnet to a Montessori school this year.
One aspect of the new school that I am expecting to work out better is the classroom structure. My son went to school 4 days after his 5th birthday. Even though it's common practice to hold boys back a year, I don't regret that choice (I think he would have similar struggles whether or not we'd held him back until he was 6). Montessori schools have multi-grade classrooms. Big Boy's class will be a mix of 1st, 2nd, and 3rd graders. It's my hope that allowing him to spend time with older kids for his brain and younger kids for his heart will help him fit in a little better educationally and relationally.
Another element of the new school that I am looking forward to is the focus on focus. Montessori schools seek to teach students how to work through distraction and disruption. As a Highly Sensitive Child, Big Boy needs all the help he can get with regard to tuning out distraction in a healthy way. Previously, in the classroom, he responded to chaos by withdrawing into himself and refusing to do work. AND, if everyone is focusing...there should ideally be less chaos in his classroom.
The school new school SHOULD be a better fit. It's a Montessori school, which ideally, is more learner centered. Big Boy loves learning. He soaks up new information like a sponge and is able to accurately apply that knowledge in other circumstances. So, IDEALLY, this type of school should be a better fit. But, I've lived long enough to know that there can be a giant disconnect between the ideal and the actual. So, really, we'll just have to wait and see.
As a human being I consider myself to be an odd mix of hopeful and pessimistic. Therefore, I am trying not to frame this school change as something magical that will make life glorious for my sweet Big Boy...but I am secretly hoping it will be. In my heart I know that the journey of life with Big Boy will never be simple. Everything that he does is going to require extra work and extra forethought. I love my baby...he's the special snowflake that God gave to me...and my special snowflake starts his new school in one week.
One aspect of the new school that I am expecting to work out better is the classroom structure. My son went to school 4 days after his 5th birthday. Even though it's common practice to hold boys back a year, I don't regret that choice (I think he would have similar struggles whether or not we'd held him back until he was 6). Montessori schools have multi-grade classrooms. Big Boy's class will be a mix of 1st, 2nd, and 3rd graders. It's my hope that allowing him to spend time with older kids for his brain and younger kids for his heart will help him fit in a little better educationally and relationally.
Another element of the new school that I am looking forward to is the focus on focus. Montessori schools seek to teach students how to work through distraction and disruption. As a Highly Sensitive Child, Big Boy needs all the help he can get with regard to tuning out distraction in a healthy way. Previously, in the classroom, he responded to chaos by withdrawing into himself and refusing to do work. AND, if everyone is focusing...there should ideally be less chaos in his classroom.
The school new school SHOULD be a better fit. It's a Montessori school, which ideally, is more learner centered. Big Boy loves learning. He soaks up new information like a sponge and is able to accurately apply that knowledge in other circumstances. So, IDEALLY, this type of school should be a better fit. But, I've lived long enough to know that there can be a giant disconnect between the ideal and the actual. So, really, we'll just have to wait and see.
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