Four O'Clock

Confession:  I have not been staying within the boundaries of my A+ Diet since about the beginning of December.  A good deal of what I am eating IS within the parameters, but I have been eating wheat and sugar every day.  Frankly my tummy feels yucky, but wheat is so convenient and sugar is clearly an addiction.  There is, however, a distinctive pattern of failure that I am noticing...one that I am unsure how to change...it's Name is 4:00PM.

If I am being a conscientious eater, I can go from 5:30AM to 4:00PM without indulging in sugar or wheat without really much effort.  But, I'll-be-danged, when school gets out one of the first things I do is find some comfort food to shove into my mouth.  I've identified a few reasons.

1. As an elementary worker, I eat lunch between 11-12.  I am actually very hungry at 4:00...especially if my lunch time was on the early side.  
2. I have a natural blood sugar and serotonin dip at around 4:00pm.  Biochemically, my body is craving something to help pick it back up.  Sugar and carbs work fastest (but don't last very long).
3. Comfort.  I pacify myself with food.  By 4:00,  I've given about 300 commands, used about 4,000 words, managed 8 solid hours of classwork, and managed the learning and behavior of 23 individual students...and that's on a GOOD day.  Factor in kids with behavior problems, strange schedule changes, assemblies, shoe tying, booger wiping, tattle managing, and finding tasks to fill extra time and I am just ready to exhale at the end of my day.  It's work that I love, but it's not peaceful, quiet work. Eating a donut (or two) or dipping endlessly into a bag of pretzels LITERALLY feels like an exhale.  

          It's really difficult to give up something that physically helps soothe you.  I'm sure that's part of why some people can't quit smoking or won't give up drugs or excessive drinking.  We know it's BAD for us in the grand scheme of life, but for the moment, it helps us cope in a VERY real way.  

Sooo, I have this problem.  How do I get through 4:00?  I know that there is a different way of eating in foreign countries that would probably be more beneficial to me.  Many cultures have a built in snack break in the late afternoon.  They then don't eat dinner until 8:00-9:00 at night.  This snack break is a pause in the day...not just the wolfing down of a granola bar in the driver's seat of my SUV.  They drink tea or coffee, have a light snack, and hang out for a while...without feeling pressure to go-go-go.  That sounds GLORIOUS to me.  I imagine if I knew I had a built in snack break from 4:00-5:00, I'd be less likely to quickly cram the contents of a drive-thru bag into my mouth as I speed down the highway toward home.  (I notice my kids are also very hungry around 4:00...so they snack and then don't want to eat at 6:30, when dinner is ready)

How can I go against an entire nation's cultural norms?  CAN I go against an entire nation's cultural norms? Do I just tell my family that there is a new way of doing mealtime around our house?  Maybe.  Anybody else up for a mealtime-timing experiment?  Here we go . . .

The Ol' Switcheroo

I alluded in my post about Highly Sensitive People that there were some changes coming down the pike for Big Brother.  Highly Sensitive Children (HSCs) have some different needs than other kiddos do.  Being Highly Sensitive is not a diagnosis...it is not an educational label that we can create an IEP around.  So, we, as parents, have to find ways to steer our child in an healthy direction...with limited practical support.  (We have lots of moral support!)  Here are some ways we are helping him cope with daily life:

• I am already finding ways to help him learn to "come down" after being overstimulated.  He has received direct teaching on self care and there will be more therapeutic stress relief teaching in his near future.   
• Protecting him from "too much" has also become a priority for me. HSCs are intense kids. All kiddos get cranky and crabby when they've had too many activities, too many late nights, or too many disruptions in their normal routines. Whatever a less sensitive child feels under certain circumstances and Highly Sensitive kid will feel exponentially. For Big Brother, that crabbiness gets cranked up to 11. So for my son, irritability turns into rage which turns into depression, all fairly quickly.  In order to protect him, we say no to a lot more things. Things that I would LOVE to do or that might be beneficial for Big Brother lose their luster when I weigh the emotional cost for our family.
• I'm going a little easier on him with regard to discipline.  It's my philosophy that parents raise adults...so they have to learn lifetime skills at a young age.  Because I so firmly believe that, I can be a hard ass when it comes to discipline.  If it's a rule, it is enforced...because there is a good and healthy reason behind it.  While I still hold that tenet to be true, I am learning to be gentler in my approach.  HSCs are guilty little beings.  When they do something wrong, they KNOW it was wrong and beat themselves up about it.  (I know this from my own personal experience). Most of the time a "processing" session with Big Brother is all it's going to take to help him make a better choice next time. He needs gentleness. He needs to KNOW that nobody is perfect and that I don't expect perfection. That makes me feel like a pushover, but it would be prideful for me to stick to my guns on being a rigid consequence-doler when it clearly isn't what my child needs.   (This is actually MY bent anyway...there will probably be more postings on my inner turmoil with training children.)
• I'm not going to emphasize achievement for my children anymore.  Again, this is something I struggle hard against.  I LIKE achieving...it's important to me...but it STRESSES me OUT!  The same holds true for Big Brother.  If he knows there are high expectations, he often withdraws into himself and doesn't perform very well.  It's been this way since he was little.  If I emphasize discovery and process instead, he seems more likely to enjoy whatever it is we are trying to "accomplish".  It's re-framing really.  The same stuff needs to get done (ie homework), but we look at it differently and that changes it.  
• This biggest change we are making is regarding schools.  We live in a school district that is, easily, one of the worst in the region.  BUT, there are a handful of magnet and charter schools that are very good. Big Brother currently attends a Spanish immersion magnet.  We chose it because we knew his mind would need a challenge, because Spanish is practical and beneficial, and the school is in our neighborhood (not true of the other magnets).  It's normal for kids to struggle in immersion schools for the first few years and we are Ok with that...except, Big Brother is absorbing 22 different student's personalities, has an awareness of teachers who are overworked and stressed out, has difficulty in interpersonal relationships, and must double-process all of his work, first in Spanish then in English...even though, he already has a firm enough grasp of the content to be bored with most of it. That is "too much". Soooo...  
• He has been accepted at our district's Montessori magnet and will be attending there next year.  The Montessori philosophy is more holistic and integrates the traditional disciplines in way that makes all of the subjects more meaningful. The students learn to concentrate and ignore distractions, they learn to work out problems among themselves before going to a teacher, and they learn to work together to accomplish goals in ways that are not available in a more traditional setting.  And, it's in English.  As a person who has a degree in traditional education...the whole concept makes me bristle a little.  But, after touring and talking to teachers, it's pretty evident that the Montessori method is worth a shot for Big Brother.  

These are just a few of the tweaks in our life which have been brought about by viewing Big Brother as an HSC.  I am sure there will be many more changes and challenges as we do our best to raise him. We are trying our best with the information that we have...that's all we can do.  At the end of the day, he has our love and support...which is at the heart of everything else we are trying to do for him. 

Unconditional Love

Valentine's Day is nearly upon us!  In the spirit of the day, I'd like to talk about love...L-O-V-E...love.  But, I'm not going to write this post about the sweet romantic things Hallmark and Hollywood try to sell us each year. Today, I am writing about love between people that is so deep that nothing could ever change it. Unconditional love.

The very first human to love me unconditionally was my Mother.  I was created under less than ideal circumstances, but I was loved from the very moment my mother knew I was there.  Hers is a love that sharpened my mind, encouraged my interests, helped to heal wounds, and understood my heart.  She taught me love for family and love for home and does her best to respect our differences therein.  It would be my honor to be as good a mother as mine is.  She is unconditional.

Dad and I have a relationship that is a little more complex and a little more strained.  We battle wills and battle wits.  He pushes and challenges me. But, when I have faltered and fallen, my Dad has been there to speak wisdom to me.  He gently, but firmly, coaxes me to move out of the despair I am in and continue on my way.  There is no choice I could make or word that I could say that would sway my Dad's love for me. He is unconditional.

I met my Sister when I was 3 and a half. I wish I could say we were fast friends, but we weren't.  Our younger days were full of the rivalry that is typical among siblings. Now that we are adults, she is one of the best friends I have.  She always listens and always cares.  In times when I have made a misstep or questioned my own judgement, she does not heap blame on me.  On the other end of the phone, she is there to help me process through it and encourage me to trust myself...and to tell a hilarious story to completely distract me from my self centered pity party.  My Sister would go to the ends of the earth for me...and I her. She is unconditional.

I've been with the man who is my Husband for nearly 10 years.  His love for me is strong and unwavering. We have faced many tough days in our short time together and through all of them he is still there, smiling at me like I am someone special.  Some days I feel like I've brought nothing but pain and complication to his life.  But, every day, he assures me that he does not regret marrying me.  I don't know what I could possibly have to offer him to deserve such unfaltering love...but I have it anyway.  My Husband's love is unconditional.

In my life I have been blessed with an amazing handful of close friends.  In my younger days there was a group of girls who loved me, despite the fact that nearly everyone else considered me unlovable.  They cared, listened, laughed, and grew with me.  Though time has moved us far apart, I still look back on those friends and know that we left imprints on each other's hearts.  They are unconditional.

During college I found a group of friends who walked with me just as my depression was starting to show itself in ugly ways.  They prayed for me, they instructed me, they were "for" me.  These women, upon hearing my heartache about not having 16 candles on my 16th birthday cake, decided to set my 19th birthday cake ablaze with 100 candles!  My college friends were there to strengthen my heart and my faith when they both faltered and failed.  Again, time has moved us apart...as time will do...but they are an integral part of my story, woven into the fabric of my soul.  My friends from college are unconditional.

Today I enjoy a deep, rich, friendship with another group of women.  I have no secrets from them.  They know everything there is to know about me from my favorite fragrance to my vilest sin.  We have clocked hundreds of hours of deep conversation and thousands of hours of laughter.  These are the women who helped plan my wedding, attended my sons' births (some only in spirit), cried with me when I miscarried, and carefully wrapped their arms around me when my world fell apart.  We've been separated by the greatest of distances, but we would not grow apart.  These are the women who will speak at my funeral when my time comes to die.  Strike Force is unconditional.

There is no good reason why these people love me so thoroughly.  I've never been anything but taxing on their spirits and could never hope to repay even a fraction of the love they've shown me.   It's a love that doesn't make sense. Since it defies explanation, I am left with one conclusion... these people,  these men, these women, who love me for no good reason must be loving me with a supernatural love.

I submit that, through the hands, eyes, words, tears, silence, of these relationships, an invisible God is revealing His Love to me.  Because of them I worship.  It's not the people that I worship, they are only human.  Instead I worship the only God who can birth true love in the hearts if men.  I worship the God who whispers to me that His Love is stronger, truer, more complete than any love I have ever known.  Jesus is the Ultimate Unconditional. 

As we celebrate this holiday of love, I invite you to look back on your life and see who has loved you...who is loving you this very day.  Be thankful for them.  Consider seeing them a gift from the hands of a God who loves you...unconditionally. 

Temperament, Motherhood, and STRESS

As a human being that is not very self aware, one thing that has always been at the top of my list of FUN, is taking personality assessments.  I've taken ALL of the ones that are currently going around Facebook.  For your information I am Ursula, Captain Kirk, Beck, Belle, Newman, Dumbledore, Queen Amadala, and the sideways eyes emoji.  But, in all seriousness, there are a few personality tests that have proven to be quite helpful like Myers-Briggs and Servants By Design.

I'm writing today about my results from Servants By Design.  It is a personality profile that is used by our church to figure out what kind of people are suited toward what kind of service in the church.  This test creates a "house" of  six different temperament types... Harmonizer, Achiever, Persister, Energizer, Dreamer, and Catalyzer.  The theory behind this assessment is that God has created each person as an individual, but essentially used a unique mix of these six building blocks.  If you know your strengths, you can choose an avenue of service that is enjoyable and doesn't cause internal turmoil.  I have NEVER taken a more accurate (or LONGER) personality profile.  

Your basement is the part of your personality where you are most comfortable and must expend the least amount of energy.  My basement is Harmonizer.  I am literally 100% Harmonizer. This means I nurture, encourage, love, feel, and care without much effort or stress at all.  (HSP much?)

The first floor is where you are intentionally operating.  This is where you  feel comfortable working and using this part of your personality does not cause stress...unless your needs are being met...then you begin to go into distress.  My first floor is Achiever, which came in at 78%...which is still quite high.  That means I like logic and problem solving.  I enjoy information and don't really form a strong opinion about it...I just like knowing things.

As you move up to each subsequent floor, you get farther and farther from where you are most comfortable. In my profile, after Achiever, the other traits drop off significantly.  All of my other traits are under 30%.  So, my protective Persister, exuberant Energizer, introspective Dreamer, and commanding Catalyzer require large amounts of energy.  I have access to those "floors" but I can only be in those parts of my "house" for short amounts of time before I start to feel stress.

My attic, which is the trait that causes me the most pain to express, is Catalyst...coming in at a scant 19%. This is the part of my personality that gives directions and expects compliance.  My profile states that if I access this part of myself and remain there for an extended period of time, then I will experience "considerable stress and burnout".

Well, pals, guess what requires spending large quantities of time giving directions and expecting compliance? That's right, PARENTHOOD...especially parenting young children.  The distress caused from sitting in my "attic" is quite evident on days like today.  My youngest son, who is 3, requires a LOT of direction.  He is a strong willed child (yes, I was blessed with 2 strong willed sons) that has very clear ideas about how the world should be and rages against any contradiction thereof.

He makes me crazy!  The word "distress" is perfect for how I feel when I have to spend an entire day actively correcting and training my child.  My teeth clench, my shoulders seize up, my adreneline SURGES and I go into fight or flight.  Because I am the mother, I must fight...every time.  Even if I get away from the situation for a while, I always have to go back to it.  On days like today, I clearly see why I have gotten myself into stage 7 adrenal fatigue (it's up to 4 with the help of my naturopath).  I'm not sure that I will be able to truly manage my stress until I no longer have to live in my Catalyzer attic.

Big Brother moved out of my attic when he turned 5.  We now enjoy a more Harmonious relationship where teaching and correcting can be done through conversation and not through directives.   I am just more comfortable with my children when they are a little more developmentally advanced.  (I see this when I work too...Kindergarten KILLS me...1st and 2nd also require a lot of emotional energy.  When I sub in 3-6...I am ENERGIZED...I love it!)  It's not that I don't LOVE my sons...it just seems that certain stages of parenting are less suited to my temperament than others...and that's OK.  

Parenting is hard for everyone in one way or another.  God made YOU unique and God made ME the way that I am.  He gave me great strengths.  He also gave me profound weaknesses. .  I MUST go through this season in my personal "attic" with Little Brother.  I will do it to the best of my ability.  But, since I am aware that it is going to cause me great stress and require more emotional energy than I can comfortably give, I'm going to have to treat myself carefully.  This means I have to value self care.  I need to spend time in Harmonizer and Achiever so that I can feel OK again.  And I'm going to have to limit my other energy expenditures.

For me, that means, saying no to Catalyzing in Kindergarten jobs and yes to Harmonizing in 4th grade.  I do not need to Persistently volunteer more at church, but form Harmonizing relationships and use my Achiever at the neighborhood book club.  Big Boy's school does not need one more Dreamer room mother, but they can use a Harmonizer mom who comes in to read to them just for the love of books.

Just as the knowledge of being a Highly Sensitive Person doesn't paint a complete picture of who I am, neither does Servants By Design.  This information provides valuable insight and tools to help me explain myself and assist me as I navigate my life.  Life is a journey and I now have a few road maps in my glove compartment.

On Being Highly Sensitive

Oh dear friends, if you've had the opportunity to be in my inner circle, you know this one, very important thing about me...I am NOT very self aware.  I'm not entirely sure why revelations about myself are so shocking to me.  They make sense after I hear them, but don't really occur to me before that.

I wrote a blog post last month about Big Brother and some of the trouble he was having in life.  One of my good friends mentioned that she'd just read an article about Highly Sensitive People and urged me to look into it for insight into my kiddo. ( HSP website here.)  Well, it hit home.  I bought the book Highly Sensitive Child and learned some very key information about my son...AND myself.  I am a HSP.   You might be too, Dr. Aron's research shows that nearly 20% of people are Highly Sensitive...my whole nuclear family and all of my inner circle friends are HSPs.  (My husband and Little Brother are not.)

Deep down, I always realized it, but it wasn't until I saw that I scored 19 on a test where anything over 13 means you are a HSP, that I realized that things that I had counted as weaknesses are actually inborn and valuable temperament traits.  I didn't know that not everyone can go into a room and "feel" it.  I didn't know that not everyone reads and accurately interprets body language.  It came as a surprise that the hyper feeling I get when I am around people is because I am not only an extrovert, but a highly sensitive one...so I am getting both soothed and overstimulated...good times.

And, as a "sensation seeking" extroverted  HSP it totally makes sense that I love ethnic food, aromatic environments, and over-Googling things!  One website of traits even lists my very short tolerance for being trapped inside in the winter and my ability to quickly and accurately discern deception as HSP traits.  (It might also have mentioned my knack for, well, um....being attuned to the spirit world...which is now just awkward information for us all, really.)   I've ordered a workbook that is supposed to help people work through some of the issues of being Highly Sensitive.  Just leafing through the Amazon page has proven to be helpful...so I'll keep you posted on how that works out.

The book I am reading about Big Brother is also going to be quite helpful.  I've already been able to pick up some strategies that will help me raise him the way he was created...something that has been lacking from every other parenting book that I've read.  And, while not everything applies to him, a good chunk of it does. I will be blogging later this month about a big change that we making for Big Brother in light of some of the information I've discovered through this book.

Learning about Highly Sensitive People has most assuredly brought up some things about myself and my son that are enlightening, however, it's just one piece of the complex puzzle of humanity.  This being true, I consider knowing this information a valuable addition to my (and my son's) mental health toolbox.