Temperament, Motherhood, and STRESS

As a human being that is not very self aware, one thing that has always been at the top of my list of FUN, is taking personality assessments.  I've taken ALL of the ones that are currently going around Facebook.  For your information I am Ursula, Captain Kirk, Beck, Belle, Newman, Dumbledore, Queen Amadala, and the sideways eyes emoji.  But, in all seriousness, there are a few personality tests that have proven to be quite helpful like Myers-Briggs and Servants By Design.

I'm writing today about my results from Servants By Design.  It is a personality profile that is used by our church to figure out what kind of people are suited toward what kind of service in the church.  This test creates a "house" of  six different temperament types... Harmonizer, Achiever, Persister, Energizer, Dreamer, and Catalyzer.  The theory behind this assessment is that God has created each person as an individual, but essentially used a unique mix of these six building blocks.  If you know your strengths, you can choose an avenue of service that is enjoyable and doesn't cause internal turmoil.  I have NEVER taken a more accurate (or LONGER) personality profile.  

Your basement is the part of your personality where you are most comfortable and must expend the least amount of energy.  My basement is Harmonizer.  I am literally 100% Harmonizer. This means I nurture, encourage, love, feel, and care without much effort or stress at all.  (HSP much?)

The first floor is where you are intentionally operating.  This is where you  feel comfortable working and using this part of your personality does not cause stress...unless your needs are being met...then you begin to go into distress.  My first floor is Achiever, which came in at 78%...which is still quite high.  That means I like logic and problem solving.  I enjoy information and don't really form a strong opinion about it...I just like knowing things.

As you move up to each subsequent floor, you get farther and farther from where you are most comfortable. In my profile, after Achiever, the other traits drop off significantly.  All of my other traits are under 30%.  So, my protective Persister, exuberant Energizer, introspective Dreamer, and commanding Catalyzer require large amounts of energy.  I have access to those "floors" but I can only be in those parts of my "house" for short amounts of time before I start to feel stress.

My attic, which is the trait that causes me the most pain to express, is Catalyst...coming in at a scant 19%. This is the part of my personality that gives directions and expects compliance.  My profile states that if I access this part of myself and remain there for an extended period of time, then I will experience "considerable stress and burnout".

Well, pals, guess what requires spending large quantities of time giving directions and expecting compliance? That's right, PARENTHOOD...especially parenting young children.  The distress caused from sitting in my "attic" is quite evident on days like today.  My youngest son, who is 3, requires a LOT of direction.  He is a strong willed child (yes, I was blessed with 2 strong willed sons) that has very clear ideas about how the world should be and rages against any contradiction thereof.

He makes me crazy!  The word "distress" is perfect for how I feel when I have to spend an entire day actively correcting and training my child.  My teeth clench, my shoulders seize up, my adreneline SURGES and I go into fight or flight.  Because I am the mother, I must fight...every time.  Even if I get away from the situation for a while, I always have to go back to it.  On days like today, I clearly see why I have gotten myself into stage 7 adrenal fatigue (it's up to 4 with the help of my naturopath).  I'm not sure that I will be able to truly manage my stress until I no longer have to live in my Catalyzer attic.

Big Brother moved out of my attic when he turned 5.  We now enjoy a more Harmonious relationship where teaching and correcting can be done through conversation and not through directives.   I am just more comfortable with my children when they are a little more developmentally advanced.  (I see this when I work too...Kindergarten KILLS me...1st and 2nd also require a lot of emotional energy.  When I sub in 3-6...I am ENERGIZED...I love it!)  It's not that I don't LOVE my sons...it just seems that certain stages of parenting are less suited to my temperament than others...and that's OK.  

Parenting is hard for everyone in one way or another.  God made YOU unique and God made ME the way that I am.  He gave me great strengths.  He also gave me profound weaknesses. .  I MUST go through this season in my personal "attic" with Little Brother.  I will do it to the best of my ability.  But, since I am aware that it is going to cause me great stress and require more emotional energy than I can comfortably give, I'm going to have to treat myself carefully.  This means I have to value self care.  I need to spend time in Harmonizer and Achiever so that I can feel OK again.  And I'm going to have to limit my other energy expenditures.

For me, that means, saying no to Catalyzing in Kindergarten jobs and yes to Harmonizing in 4th grade.  I do not need to Persistently volunteer more at church, but form Harmonizing relationships and use my Achiever at the neighborhood book club.  Big Boy's school does not need one more Dreamer room mother, but they can use a Harmonizer mom who comes in to read to them just for the love of books.

Just as the knowledge of being a Highly Sensitive Person doesn't paint a complete picture of who I am, neither does Servants By Design.  This information provides valuable insight and tools to help me explain myself and assist me as I navigate my life.  Life is a journey and I now have a few road maps in my glove compartment.