You Say You Want A Resolution (Or How I Learned To Wear Lipstick)

It's that time of year again...the time when we swear off chocolate, promise ourselves we'll work out more, and commit to losing some weight.  And, if you're over the age of 20, you'll know that New Year's resolutions last about 4 days.  But, I think that the practice of looking forward to a blank new calendar is beneficial.  It's ok to want to start new.  So, how can I make resolutions that take advantage of this time to begin anew while understanding that my high and lofty goals will crash and burn before Ground Hog Day?  The same way I learned to wear lipstick.

Generally, I am not much of a makeup person.  Less is more on my face.  But, I think lipstick makes my face look more formal and complete.  I just HATE the concept of lipstick...all of the reapplying of color and staining of water glasses is not my cup of tea.  So, I found a product that worked for what I really wanted.   It is called lip stain.  I apply this mofo once a day and it stays on for 12-ish hours without needing to reapply. 

So, I had the product, the trick was adding into my makeup routine.  Again, I am not a heavily made up kind of gal, so putting another step into the process was a big deal for me.  But, I was committed.  To accommodate my new cosmetic, I did a small rearrangement in my regimen.  I used to get all of my makeup on then brush my teeth.  Now, I put all of my makeup on, brush my teeth, then apply lip stain (so the toothbrush doesn't mess it up).  I feel like a genius AND I am now the proud owner of  lovely lips. 

As I think over the resolutions that I want to make, using the same technique for change seems logical to me.  Find something that works for me...make small tweaks to fit it into my life...and enjoy the benefits of a tiny, but edifying change. 


I am making 3 resolutions this January.  They are not your traditional resolutions...but they are mine and I am excited about them.

1. I resolve to do what I want.  I don't mean this in a selfish or uncaring way.  It's just that, lately, I've noticed that I have made rules for my life where there should merely be preference.  I should decorate my house the way I want to...raise my children the way I want to...read the books I like...wear the clothes I am comfortable in.   All WITHOUT apology.  Who cares what the trends are?  Not me.  What does it matter if my favorite sweater is no longer in style? It doesn't.  Who knows my kids better than I do?  NOBODY. 

2. I resolve to let my children sort out their own differences without intervening every time.  It's not helping them learn how to manage relationships if I am always stepping in doling out consequences and saying the words that my children should really be saying to one another.  I like peace in my home.  Sometimes letting the kids work it out is going to involve yelling and tears.  I'm choosing to be OK with that.  It's better for all of us if I teach the boys how to navigate their own interpersonal conflicts.

3. I resolve to take myself less seriously.  The reality is that no one is as invested in what I do than me.  My friends and neighbors don't care nearly as much about my life as I imagine they do.  So, if I forgive myself for my missteps and laugh off my dumbest moments...no one's really going to be effected but me. 

To accomplish these things I'm going to have to make small choices.  As the situations present themselves I'll be faced with the decision to do it like I've always done it or take a tiny step forward toward being happier.

In the spirit of change, I hope that you can keep to any resolutions that you make!  Have a safe and happy New Year!!

The Great Exhale

You know what my favorite part of Christmas is?  When it's over!  (ba-dum-ch) 

We had a really nice holiday this year, but I feel like I've been holding my breath and pushing through for the last 6 weeks (if not longer).  The stress deposited into my muscles.  They clinched involuntarily.  I forgot to breathe.  Pressure built and built.  The roller coaster climbed to it's highest height and then finally... it was Christmas Day.  We celebrated.  It was over. 

The day after Christmas is my very favorite day of the year.  It's like someone has pushed a release valve on a pressure cooker.  I feel warm and peaceful and still.  My shoulders are softened...my jaw is relaxed...I am smiling and full of hope for the coming year.  It won't last.  It never does.  But today I resolve to enjoy The Great Exhale.  I will revel in the calm and appreciate the warm glow of possibility as the New Year approaches. 

The Results Are In...December Update

Right before Thanksgiving I did a follow up spit test to check my hormone and adrenal levels.  After waiting for the lab to process the results, I saw my naturopath today and got good news about my adrenals.  I've moved from Level 7 adrenal fatigue to Level 4!  That means we're on the right track.  She switched my medications and we will keep actively working on it for another 3 months. I am hopeful that we can resolve my cortisol issues.

The rest of the labs were not as good.  I still have high estrogen and low progesterone...that means 3 more months of medication to try and balance my levels.  It's been so long since I was out of balance that I can't even imagine a world where I don't have hormone issues.

We then moved onto the topic of mental health since I have seen my annual uptick in anxiety. ( I chose this naturopathic doctor because she is a specialist in neurotransmitters.)  We haven't run the tests yet, but she is conjecturing that I have some deeper issues than just low serotonin.  I have symptoms of several different nutrient absorption disorders that cause neurotransmitter imbalances.  In March we will run the tests to see for sure if I have one of the disorders that she suspects.  Thankfully, even if I test positive the remedy is fairly simple...but the effects would be dramatic.

I really do have hope that we can remedy a lot of the junk I am dealing with health-wise.  The thing that I appreciate most about naturopathic medicine is that they desire to get at the root of the issue...the WHY?  Ultimately, treating the cause instead of just the symptoms is going to be more beneficial.  So, for now, I will keep working the Type A diet, taking my obscene amount of supplements (10), and livin' life...and hopefully my next 3 month report will show more improvement. 

On Keeping Christ In Christmas

I might lose some of you with this post...I love you anyway and thanks for coming with me on my journey this far.

I wrote earlier this month (click here for post) about some of the struggles I have with some of the Midwest American Christmas traditions.  Today's post is going to focus on the struggles I have as an American Christian at Christmas.

The story of my faith always begins with, "I wasn't raised in church."  My family has a faith but for various reasons we wove in and out of churches my whole life.  But never, NOT EVER, did my parents forget to remind us throughout the Christmas season that this celebration was about Jesus and His coming to Earth as a baby.  We always read the Christmas story from Luke and remembered Jesus on His day.

You know what else we did?  We had a Christmas tree.  We made popcorn strings and paper chains to put around our tree.  We made candy and cookies and bought presents.  We had Santa Claus AND St. Nicholas (when we were in Germany)...we left him the homemade cookies that we had slathered with hot pink frosting that was supposed to be red.  We read the T'was Night Before Christmas and watched The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.  We sang O Come All Ye Faithful and Santa Claus Is Coming To Town.  Do you know what was wrong with those traditions?  Nothing.  Not one damn thing.

It irritates me when Christians get extra churchy at this time of year.  Keep Christ in CHRISTmas.  He's The Reason For The Season.  Santa is an anagram for Satan.  It's Merry Christmas...not Happy Holidays.  Our Christmas Card MUST have a picture of Jesus NOT some snowman...and CERTAINLY not Santa.  To me it's all Branson-y, hokey, propaganda.

For me, as an all-or-nothing thinker (thanks perfectionism), this pressure to be extra super duper Christian during Christmas makes me feel false guilt.  It pushes me to measure myself up to other believers and wonder why I am not as religious at  this time of year.  What is wrong with me?  Lots of things.  But guilt for doing Santa or buying my kids a toy instead of donating the money to African water wells does not belong on my shoulders.

Do I love Jesus?  YES!  I love Him from the depths of my guts.  He is my only Hope.  He loved me when I was His enemy and still loves me even when I fail.  When I die, I can only plead the Blood of Jesus as my reason for spending eternity with God.  I was never good enough...I will NEVER be good enough to be in the presence of God...except by the sacrifice of Jesus.  During this season I think about Him.  I wonder things about His birth...about His mom.  I wonder what He was like as a baby.  It's heartbreaking to think of a tiny baby sleeping in a dirty cow trough.  In a few years this little guy would shoulder the sin of eternity and purposely die a nasty, bloody, shameful death for no legal reason..but die so that I wouldn't have to be separated from God.

Is it possible to think on Him while I am setting out the Santa presents?  You BET it is!  Can I worship God as I sing O Holy Night and follow it up with Jingle Bells?  Yes.  Can I love Jesus and still say Happy Hanukkah to my Jewish friends?  Yes...yes I can.  

How do I keep Christ in Christmas?  I'm IN Him every day.  He is the reason I love.  He is the reason I serve.  He is the reason I give.  He is the reason I have whatever joy and peace I possess.   I can do those things without putting the nativity on my lawn each December.  I keep Christ in Christmas by keeping Him in all of the days of my life...not just the ones between Thanksgiving and New Year.

Merry Christmas!
I love all y'all.

The Sins Of The Mother

I was planning to continue writing about Christmas and what I am doing to navigate it, but there is something weighing so heavily on my heart that I can't focus on writing that Christmas post quite yet.

You see, I have this son...I've been calling him Big Brother on this blog.  He's almost 6 1/2.  And...he's struggling...I'm struggling to watch him struggle.  My heart is literally in agony for this child.  There is deep, visceral anger in the heart of my child.  He is angry all of the time.  But, it's not just "I didn't get my way so I'm gonna yell now"...it's more intense and more raw than that. 

He's having trouble making friends at school; playing by himself all of the time.  We have tons of kids in our neighborhood, but nobody plays with Big Brother. He goes to a different school, so that might be a factor, but otherwise, I'm not sure what the deal is.  He's starting to make up stories about who he played with and what they played.  I can tell it's a story because of the way he tells it, he's clearly just making it up from the top of his head...that breaks my heart.

He will come home from school with a sour face and his head hung low.  When I ask him how his day went, he'll say "not good" and then tell me about a minor behavior infraction he committed at school...talking, getting out of line, etc.  My tiny little perfectionist is mad at himself that he messed up...that breaks my heart.

He is constantly yelling, seething, or withdrawing during interactions with our family.  On days when he is happy, my heart soars with him and I try to keep from being too hard on him and ruining that mojo. 

The reason his behaviors sucker punch me in the guts is that when I look at him...I see me...and that breaks my heart.

I had trouble making friends, I was overly sad when I messed up, I had anger in my heart (though I held it inside).  I know the struggles I've had...the pain I've had...and I desperately don't want that for him. 

Additionally, Big Brother is what I call an "empath".  He feels what other people feel, especially me.  He's been like that since he was born.  I think all children have this quality, but his is VERY pronounced and dominant for him.  So, when I see all of this anger and perfectionism and loneliness in my son I know that he's seen it modeled by me.  I HATE THAT!  That knowledge is too big for me to shoulder. This is one instance where I am going to have to put on my big girl pants, forgive myself, and put all of my energy into helping my son.

The first thing I am going to do is spend more time pleading with Jesus for my son's heart.  I'll pray that he will be healed from this anger, that God will bring him a friend, and that he will learn not to be so hard on himself.  God made my baby and He will care for my baby.

Secondly, I am going to talk to some educational professionals and find some good books on parenting gifted children.  I'm pretty sure my son has a high IQ (I'm speaking as an educator...not just a proud mommy).  There is a giant difference between "smart" and "gifted".  Gifted is a diagnosis of sorts.  It comes with many negative behaviors and experiences, including isolation from peers and struggles with finding friendship.  I think getting as informed as I can about this topic will be beneficial. 

Lastly, I will have to make lots of efforts to intentionally teach and correct some of the perfectionistic and angry tendencies of my son.  I've been learning a lot about myself and now I can related it to my son, who is showing signs of similar struggles.  Since he's brainy, he'll be able to grasp this information and hopefully make use of it. 

I love my son more than I love my own life.  I will do whatever is in my power to help him navigate this journey.