Hyper Drive

Well hello strangers! It's been a little while since my last blog post...a few people have asked me why I am not writing as often...this post will serve as a multifaceted answer to that question.

The foremost reason that I have backed off of the blog is because I have been working a TON. I am a substitute teacher and this year has been heavy on teacher training, so my district has needed a lot of subs. The teachers are requiring so much training BECAUSE the district went 1 to 1 with technology. This means that every child and teacher received their own laptop or tablet for school use. Substitutes did not get any new tech. So, I am working more often...in an environment that has no computers for me to use. That really puts a strain on my ability to write during plan time, which is like a free hour in my day.

Secondly, I began this blog during a really acute mental health breakdown. While I will probably always wrestle with depression and anxiety, the immediacy of my needs has lessened. Like many writers, I do my best work when I am feeling my worst. Pain is, unfortunately, inspirational.

Lastly, I am going to take a moment to bring you into mi vida loca. Um...I haven't been writing because...it's Spring. I have written before that my mental health is super cyclical. Mostly this comes up in the Fall and Winter because I have spikes in anxiety and depression, which feel oppressive to me. Well, now we get to talk about what a Spring cycle looks like.

In a word, spring is...frenetic. I get REALLY hyper. Now, I realize that many people who live in a temperate climate get a burst of energy when Spring comes. For many people, Spring means coming out of the cold winter months and enjoying the warmth and work of a new season. It means that for me too...times A THOUSAND.

One day, when the bitter temperatures subside, I just wake up and feel AMAZING! I have all of these ideas and plans. I talk fast and think fast and have an overabundance of sparky energy. I want to do ALL THE THINGS!!! I think I CAN do anything! Wind me up and watch me GO!

The Spring can be ultra productive for me. But...it can also be just as harmful as my Fall/Winter depression. Primarily, my brain is "writing checks my body can't cash." Even though I feel uber capable, I still have a finite amount of physical and emotional energy. So, I will start a giant house project and about halfway through, my brain and body can't take it anymore. Because of my personality, I can't just quit and leave it undone. Therefore, I have to push myself past reasonable limits in order to complete the task.

In the same vein, since I am feeling better than I am used to, I think I can take on new responsibilities and put more activities on my plate. The vast majority of the harmful decisions I have made can be traced back to a Spring frenzy. In Spring I think, "Hell yeah!" By, September, when I am curled up crying in my bed, I am now committed to do something that is WAY beyond my capabilities and it often makes my mental health situation worse.

Just like my depression, I might not be able to prevent my Spring frenzy, but I can manage it. I have been aware of my Spring cycle for several years now and have talked with my therapist about safeguards for this season. The very first line of defense I have is internal processing. Before I commit to something, I have to ask myself if I can REALLY handle it or if it's just the hyper talking. Then, I have a handful of people in my life who I can use as sounding boards. For the most part these people are close family and friends. I just tell them what I am considering and if they have even the slightest hesitation, I usually choose to forgo the idea. That might sound like I am giving them too much power, but history has proven that there is a window of time each year when my judgement is impaired by copious amounts of optimism.

So, in conclusion, between logistical circumstances, improved mood, and Spring frenzy...my blog has been a little bare. But now that I have written a blog post on why I am not posting very often lately, I have ALL THE IDEAS for blog posts and you are going to get like, three, in the next few weeks...thus ILLUSTRATING the Spring frenzy.