The Roller Coaster

Deciding to go on my first roller coaster SOUNDED like a good idea at the time. "It'll be great! It's something I've always wanted to do." I said to myself (I was in my late teens when I rode my first roller coaster). So I took my brilliant new idea, got in line, and I WAITED for what seemed like an eternity. While I was waiting I had a multitude of thoughts racing through my brain ranging from naive excitement to utter boredom to sheer horror.

As I approached the front of the line, I could already feel my stomach start to squeeze in fear. I desperately considered running down the chicken exit and forgetting the whole thing. But, seeing as I had already invested nearly an hour of my life in the line, I decided to go through with it...whether I wanted to or not.

Finally, the coaster car rolled up. I shoved myself into the hard seat and fastened the bar close to my body. Already starting to hyperventilate, my ample ribs painfully pushed into the heavy bar with tremendous frequency. This was NOT fun. The ride hadn't even begun and I was regretting my decision.

With a unceremonious jerk, the car began the steep climb up the first hill. I relaxed a little. "Maybe this will be Okaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy!!!", I screamed in my mind as we abruptly fell from the top of the hill down to the first turn. While I was being whipped around on this marvel of modern physics, I was bombarded with nausea mixed with delight. How could one ride simultaneously produce in me both terror and elation?

Before I could even sort out which emotions were which, the ride was over. The heavy bar lifted, freeing my panicked lungs. I stepped out of the car onto shaky sea legs and shuffled over to my friends who had been waiting for me.

"How was it?!", they demanded enthusiastically.

"It was awesome!" I replied.

NOW...WATCH THIS CLIP! 

NOW....GO WATCH THE WHOLE MOVIE because, in my opinion, the movie Parenthood is the most accurate portrayal of what it looks like to raise a family. It is honest, funny, frustrating, and poignant.  


Over the years, many other writers have used the "Parenting Is A Roller Coaster" trope...today I am joining those legions. If there was a better or more accurate metaphor for what it feels like to be a mother, I would use it. But, as it is, this theme park attraction is almost a perfect analogy for the paradoxical emotions that I experience within parenthood.

Seriously, though, becoming a mother was a lot like my first roller coaster ride. I decided that I wanted to try for a baby. Then there was a long, boring wait where I had a weird flood of mixed emotions...excitement, trepidation, longing, anticipation, joy, reverence.  I had made a choice and no matter how fearful I was of giving birth, that ship had sailed and there was no choice but to go through with it.Then there was this calm build up followed by a headlong plunge into an insane  life with kids.

Without the roller coaster metaphor, there are few ways to describe the extreme contradiction in how it can feel for me to go through life as a parent.  It's the best/worst, most exciting/boring, fulfilling/thankless, mysterious/common, enlightening/frustrating role I have ever undertaken. Instead of feeling all of this mommy guilt for the times when I don't feel great about my kids, I am embracing the metaphor. Parenting is all of those things...and it's over faster than I can process it all. But at the end of the ride, I can look back on it and see, that even though I had a wild blend of the good and the bad, as a whole...it will be the best thing I've ever done. I like the roller coaster.

Happy Mother's Day!

Hyper Drive

Well hello strangers! It's been a little while since my last blog post...a few people have asked me why I am not writing as often...this post will serve as a multifaceted answer to that question.

The foremost reason that I have backed off of the blog is because I have been working a TON. I am a substitute teacher and this year has been heavy on teacher training, so my district has needed a lot of subs. The teachers are requiring so much training BECAUSE the district went 1 to 1 with technology. This means that every child and teacher received their own laptop or tablet for school use. Substitutes did not get any new tech. So, I am working more often...in an environment that has no computers for me to use. That really puts a strain on my ability to write during plan time, which is like a free hour in my day.

Secondly, I began this blog during a really acute mental health breakdown. While I will probably always wrestle with depression and anxiety, the immediacy of my needs has lessened. Like many writers, I do my best work when I am feeling my worst. Pain is, unfortunately, inspirational.

Lastly, I am going to take a moment to bring you into mi vida loca. Um...I haven't been writing because...it's Spring. I have written before that my mental health is super cyclical. Mostly this comes up in the Fall and Winter because I have spikes in anxiety and depression, which feel oppressive to me. Well, now we get to talk about what a Spring cycle looks like.

In a word, spring is...frenetic. I get REALLY hyper. Now, I realize that many people who live in a temperate climate get a burst of energy when Spring comes. For many people, Spring means coming out of the cold winter months and enjoying the warmth and work of a new season. It means that for me too...times A THOUSAND.

One day, when the bitter temperatures subside, I just wake up and feel AMAZING! I have all of these ideas and plans. I talk fast and think fast and have an overabundance of sparky energy. I want to do ALL THE THINGS!!! I think I CAN do anything! Wind me up and watch me GO!

The Spring can be ultra productive for me. But...it can also be just as harmful as my Fall/Winter depression. Primarily, my brain is "writing checks my body can't cash." Even though I feel uber capable, I still have a finite amount of physical and emotional energy. So, I will start a giant house project and about halfway through, my brain and body can't take it anymore. Because of my personality, I can't just quit and leave it undone. Therefore, I have to push myself past reasonable limits in order to complete the task.

In the same vein, since I am feeling better than I am used to, I think I can take on new responsibilities and put more activities on my plate. The vast majority of the harmful decisions I have made can be traced back to a Spring frenzy. In Spring I think, "Hell yeah!" By, September, when I am curled up crying in my bed, I am now committed to do something that is WAY beyond my capabilities and it often makes my mental health situation worse.

Just like my depression, I might not be able to prevent my Spring frenzy, but I can manage it. I have been aware of my Spring cycle for several years now and have talked with my therapist about safeguards for this season. The very first line of defense I have is internal processing. Before I commit to something, I have to ask myself if I can REALLY handle it or if it's just the hyper talking. Then, I have a handful of people in my life who I can use as sounding boards. For the most part these people are close family and friends. I just tell them what I am considering and if they have even the slightest hesitation, I usually choose to forgo the idea. That might sound like I am giving them too much power, but history has proven that there is a window of time each year when my judgement is impaired by copious amounts of optimism.

So, in conclusion, between logistical circumstances, improved mood, and Spring frenzy...my blog has been a little bare. But now that I have written a blog post on why I am not posting very often lately, I have ALL THE IDEAS for blog posts and you are going to get like, three, in the next few weeks...thus ILLUSTRATING the Spring frenzy.