This Body of Stress

This week has been quite emotional for me and my family. We have experienced two deaths within the span of only five days. My heart has been flooded with memories, sadness, and grief. My little brain has persisted under a barrage of logistical tasks and preparations for getting myself and my family through two funerals. In general, I'd say that I am managing my emotions and stress in a healthy way...yes, I'D say that...but my body tells a different story. This flesh that I occupy has a ridiculously low threshold for stress.

Every time I am presented with an ounce more stress than I can handle, my teeth clench, my shoulders tense, my muscles ache, then I either get a raging cold or an intestinal bug. And it might be a little bit of an overshare, but in the last few years, even my cycle gets all goobered up by any amount of stress...which is a delight, let me tell you. I have wasted about a dozen pregnancy tests in the last two years. The only thing that really helps combat these "illnesses" is sleep. But, who wants a wife, mother, or friend that just sleeps all the time like a big sloth?

As with my mental health challenges, I can trace this all the way back to my childhood. When I was little my school nurse diagnosed me with a "nervous stomach". Looking back on it now, it was just a kind of genteel way of saying I was a stressed out kid. In high school I went through a battery of tests because I was having the painful symptoms of an ulcer. Of course it didn't occur to me that my extremely rigorous class and extracurricular schedule were probably more than I should be handling. During every holiday break from college I was plagued by a persistent, nasty cold/flu....EVERY one. As an adult, I feel like I am sick ALL of the time. Like...ALWAYS sick. I feel a little like a hypochondriac...except I have actual illnesses.

It makes me feel weak and ashamed to have a zero ability to handle stress. Who the hell gets sick from the normal rhythm of life? Me. That's who. I am not really sure how to combat this problem. I see a therapist, am on an antidepressant, and try really hard to manage the trouble of the everyday in healthy ways. What else can I do?