Christmas Aversion

 "Ooh! I hates Christmas!"

-Yosemite Sam (Bugs Bunny's Christmas Carol)

  

 

I don't hate ACTUAL Christmas.  Christmas is a wonderful holiday full of family, warmth, and hope.  There are just some things about this season that I just can't identify with.  Happy crafters who are dumbfounded that I don't wish to set a holiday display on my mantle stress me out.   People who obsess about finding that perfect gift drive me crazy.  I don't own a set of Christmas dishes, loathe the constant blast of Christmas music, and get crabby when it's time to decorate the tree.   It's as if there is some far and wide Midwestern American idea of what the Christmas season should be like...and...I don't get it.  That makes me feel lonely.  I find myself wondering WHY I roll my eyes, heave a sigh, and grouch my way through the holidays.  This year, I may have found my answer. 

 

Last weekend I was mentally preparing myself for the emotional assault that is the Holiday Season.  I was reflecting on the hangups I have and wondering what my deal was.  Then, it occurred to me a lot of these things really ARE foreign concepts to me.  Until I was 11 years old, my dad was in the Army.  Because of this, there was never a "going to grandmas" feel to the holiday season.  My experiences with Christmas have created a unique lens with which I view this holiday.

 

When I was 3 years old, I spent Christmas a nuclear weapons facility in, what was then, West Germany.  My dad's job was to guard the Pershing II missiles that were housed in this location.  He would be gone for several months at a time.  That year, his rotation happened to include the month of December.  Soldiers were not allowed to leave the facility when they were on rotation.  To boost morale, their wives and children were bussed from the base several hours away.  My pregnant mom and I rode this large, school bus-like vehicle on Christmas evening.  I got to see my dad for two hours, then we boarded the bus and rode back home late Christmas night. 

 

The Christmas I was 6 was spent at my aunt and uncle's house in a small Kansas town.  Again, my dad wasn't around because he was in school to change his MOS (something like a career change).  I didn't see him at all that Christmas.  My 8th Christmas was spent on an Army base in Georgia, where it was sunny and 75 degrees...we even turned on the air conditioner.  My dad was there, but the climate didn't make it seem very Christmas-y.

 

Probably the most dramatic Christmas I had was when I was 9.  My dad had been deployed to Saudi Arabia for Operation Desert Shield (which morphed into Desert Storm).  Their company left on December 1st.  So, instead of having warm, cheerful, carefree holiday fun, I stood in a blindingly bright, stark gym and hugged my daddy goodbye.  Instead of cute holiday crafting, I attended company support group meetings with my mom and the other families that were left behind where we put together care packages for our loved ones.  The only ribbons that we tied that Christmas were yellow.

 

My mom was so depressed the year that my dad was deployed that we didn't even set up a tree.  We had one of those 12 inch tall ceramic lamps that was shaped like a Christmas tree...the presents went under that.  To ensure that we didn't spend Christmas alone, a wealthy, middle aged couple (that we barely knew) from our church invited us to stay at their house.  It was a glorious retreat.  It smelled like earthy firewood and I got to sleep in a feather bed for the first time in my life. 

 

After that year, my dad retired from the military and he was always around at Christmas.  But after so many years of being away from our extended family and having to adapt differently to all of the Christmas curveballs that were thrown at us, our Christmases were still always changing.  One year we spent Christmas with our extended family, another year we had my grandma over to our house, some years just the four of us celebrated together.  I even spent two Christmases in Florida with my parents when they had a midlife crisis and moved south. 

 

These are some of my Christmas memories.  While there is sadness held within these experiences, there was also life, laughter, and togetherness that bonded me to my family.  This traditional American culture of Christmas is not my reality.  My exposure to this time of year is a little more gritty and untidy.  So, to honor my understanding of the Christmas holiday, I am going to observe it the way I want to. I will choose not to acknowledge the outside pressures of how things "should" be at Christmas, but instead, select the traditions that are most meaningful to me and to my family and discard the ones that I find to be tedious, absurd, and extraneous.  (I will write another post that will outline this attitude more specifically)  It is my hope that, by being true to my history, some my emotional hostility toward all things Christmas will, at least partially, dissipate. 



Tis The Season To Be Anxious

My anxiety/depression is VERY cyclical.  I can almost predict what state of mind I will be battling against by the month of the year.  Well, it's Fall now and I have fallen headlong into my worst anxiety season.  It starts trickling in during September, ramps up in October then goes full force though November and the first few weeks of December. 

I first became aware of it when I was 25.  My husband and I had been married for a year and we were trying to get pregnant.  Suddenly, in September, I began to notice some strange symptoms.  I was having difficulty catching my breath.  Numbness and tingling began to present on the right side of my face.  My head felt weird, like it was being squeezed by an invisible hand.  One day at work, my lips went numb.   I rushed out of the classroom and called my doctor. 

After a series of tests, one Emergency Room visit, an appointment with both a neurologist and a seizure specialist, and a week long seizure study, it was concluded that I had...anxiety.  By the time that diagnosis came down, I was 6 weeks pregnant and could not start any medication.  So, I just chalked it up to some weird season of life anxiety and moved on with my life. 

Looking back now, I've had some version of anxiety since the summer before I started college.  For some reason, though (I'm guessing hormone changes), since that big flare up when I was 25, I've had pretty rough anxiety every fall since (for those of you who are wondering how old I might be...I'm 32 now...it's been SEVEN years). 

There is not really an impetus for my anxiety.  No strong stressors are present in my life right now, though there is probably some connection with the busyness and perceived pressure of the impending holiday season.  My most acute symptoms are physical rather than emotional.  So, generally, I think I am coping well until my body reminds me otherwise.

My symptoms are so frightening that, if I hadn't been through this countless times before, I would rush myself to the Emergency Room.  My symptoms include heart palpitations when I lay down, digestive issues, shortness of breath, holding my breath, hyperventilating, extreme muscle tension and tightness in my neck, shoulders, and chest, and a weird heavy, pinching pain behind my right knee.  All of these symptoms are listed as indications of dozens of life threatening medical conditions.  But, I've had nearly EVERY system in my body scanned, tested, and imaged.  My organs and systems are running just fine.  It's all in my brain chemistry. 

While I am on A medication, I'm not sure it's the RIGHT medication for my anxiety (it helps IMMENSELY with my depression).  I'm not ready to mess with a psychiatrist, which is what the next step would be if I needed to combine or switch meds.  So, in order to address this wretched season of panic, I have to make a plan and stick with it.

Here are some strategies I have/plan to put in place to address my body's rebellion:

• Limit sugar.  The holidays come at the WORST possible time for me.  It's sort of a chicken or egg situation.  Does my anxiety flare up because of my diet?  Is my anxiety already at it's peak and the diet just worsens it?  I don't know.  What I do know is that I've eaten FAR too much Halloween candy over the last week.  It's not healthy for my body...it's not good for my anxiety.
• Limit commitments.  The holiday season is hard.  I'm already fragile for several reasons then we add the hustle and bustle that occurs between Thanksgiving and New Year (my husband's extended family pushes their Christmas festivities until the weekend after Christmas).  I am deciding this year that I will not take on any hosting duties, extra projects, or volunteer activities during this time.  I know it's supposed to be the season of selflessness, but I can't give my time like I wish I could.  I have a mental illness and pretending that I can do it all isn't going to help anyone.
• Chill out.  I'm letting some stuff slide this Holiday season.  My sister and I came up with a plan to streamline holiday gift giving, which I am choosing to take on a little at a time.  I'm doing minimal holiday decorating.  Christmas card photo appointments will go on the books in the next few days, and we are wearing clothing we already own...it'll be coordinated enough. 
• No RUMINATING!  I will commit to NOT rehearse holiday interactions in my mind.  Taking events as they come will be my best strategy for coping with my anxiety this holiday season.  Nothing turns out the way we plan and spending mental energy on what ifs literally makes me crazy.

It will still be challenging, it always is.  But I can use the tools I have in my mental health toolbox to lessen the impact that this illness has on my life and relationships.