"Rumination is a process that involves deeply reflecting on a situation. When rumination becomes difficult to control, it can lead to negative psychological effects including depression and phobias (Note: also anxiety). The inability to stop ruminating on a particular thought is a hallmark of obsession." ~http://phobias.about.com/od/introductiontophobias/g/ruminationdef.htm
So many times on this blog I have shared that I have trouble with obsessive thoughts. Well, a quick Google search (cause that's how I roll) brought up an entire facet of my illness that I thought was just a personality quirk. Apparently, it's not normal to replay your failures over and over in your head. Who knew? Certainly not me. I've always thought that there was something to be gleaned from running over a situation obsessively...not that there was any evidence of that.
Even though it has not been my "training", I still have this sneaking feeling that God is mad at me every time I screw up. I feel like everyone else has more self control, or is cooler under pressure, or quieter in a crowd, or able to resist anything which has Nutella in/on it. So, when I inevitably fail, that failure hits me on a mental, physical, and spiritual level. Then, because of my imbalances and habits, I keep asking it to punch me again, because this time "I CAN TAKE IT!". I can take the truth about how my loud mouthed, overly opinionated, weak willed self!! Except...I can't. I never will. I wasn't meant to.
Here's where life gets tricky. Self-reflection and repentance are tenets of my faith. I am supposed to be aware of my shortcomings, present them to God, and turn away from them. My trouble is I just obsess about my own shortcomings and try to figure out ways to change or modify my behavior. It's not my first (or second, or ninetieth) instinct to present my shortcomings to God.
The shock and scandal of a pastor's "fall from grace" is always amusing to me. No, I am not a sadist who enjoys the pain of others. It's just that...all Christians are a big nasty mess, that's why we're in church. Jesus called to our broken, alienated, dark and brooding hearts...and because His call is irresistible, we answered. That's it. He called...we answered. He didn't send me on a quest to find forgiveness. He didn't make me pass a test to gauge the purity of my heart. He didn't ask me a riddle to check the soundness of my mind. He just loved me... before I ever loved Him.
But..sometimes when we get something of great value given to us we feel like we are indebted to the giver and ashamed that we can't give an equally valuable gift in return. When I was an impoverished college student, my teenaged sister worked a TON and was very generous with her gifts. Instead of just being grateful, I was kind of embarrassed that I sometimes had to rely on the generosity of a high school kid. I didn't have anything to offer her. So, every time she bought me something, I had a little twinge of shame.
That's the issue that I have with confessing my failures to Jesus. It's not that He's ever asked me to repay him or has made a snide remark about having to give me more mercy than that girl over there...He's never done those things. The problem isn't with Jesus. The problem is me. If I am ever going to have freedom from the obsessive rumination of my failures...I have to just get over myself and trust that I have forgiveness and love in Jesus.
Just like all the other junk I am sorting through this year, ruminating will be a tough habit to break. I've done it since I was a kid. My strategies are aimed at hitting rumination where it lives...my heart and mind. I plan to continue with positive self talk (which includes Biblical truth). Also, many of the articles I read suggest pure distraction. While I don't always think that's the way to go, for my situation it's going to be helpful. Having been a stay at home mom for so many years, I had the mental free time to allow obsessive thoughts to run wild. Going to work has helped IMMENSELY with this issue. I also plan to have hope. Hope is often a casualty of rumination. I get SO entrenched in the thoughts that I can't imagine that there is any shred of good in me. Because I am in God's family, that is not true. I'm a spotless bride in the eyes of God. I want to live like that's true.
Life Less Sweet: Documentation of my struggle with depression and anxiety.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Monday, October 14, 2013
Pregnacy Loss Awareness:What Are The Odds? (Repost From 2010)
NOTE: October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Though October is riddled with "awareness", I am very thankful that someone thought to set aside a day to remember the children that we've lost...or in my case, the one I never met.
Having a miscarriage is a devastating experience. People offer you comfort, but unless they've lost a baby, they can't know the surreal, confusing, ache that is born when your child ISN'T. Even after the event, life after miscarriage/infant loss continues to have twinges of pain and confusion. Every August 20th, I find myself remembering the procedure to remove the baby from my womb. He/she should have been born in late March. I find myself thinking of my baby around that time. I think about how old he/she would be now.
Probably the weirdest thing is when people ask me how many children I have and my heart hurts as I say 2 (instead of 3). In my heart I know I have THREE children...but it's unnecessary to go into that with strangers. I've told my oldest son that he has a brother/sister that died in my tummy before his Little Brother was born...so whenever I call Little Brother my 2nd baby, Big Brother corrects me and says, "No mama, he's your 3rd baby."
The solace that I have when I think of that little one is that he/she is with Jesus. He has named my child and knows him/her. I will see that child when I go to be with God...and we will know one another. That baby is in good hands.
I posted this is on Facebook when my youngest son was just a few weeks old. Reading through it again, I am still moved by the amazing circumstances that helped bring some measure of healing as I celebrated a new baby and grieved the one I'd lost.
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November 2010:
Today was baby dedication day at church. It was a day filled with joy for me as I brought my new baby to church for the first time. Though I had this little bundle in my arms I wept as the pastor mentioned that though we are celebrating these children it's important that we remember to walk with one another even in the pain of infertility and loss of a child. My heart clinched in my chest as I reflected back on last year's baby dedication.
The Friday before last year's baby dedication I found out that the baby in my womb had stopped living 2 weeks before. I was blindsided as I walked into church and heard that it was baby dedication day. But, I belong to a God who knows me and cares for my heart. By His grace I was honestly able to rejoice with those wonderful families that we had come to know over our first year at Redeemer. I was grieving and experiencing deep and painful emotions from this loss. Knowing my heart, God continued to care for me and showed me beautiful consideration over the next year. His hand was so evident in every aspect of Baby Boy's conception, pregnancy and birth that I kept finding myself saying "what are the odds?".
What are the odds that:
The very day I had my scheduled yearly visit with my OBGYN I would have an implantation dip on my BBT chart (a family planning technique)...a biological sign that conception has occurred.
She would prescribe me progesterone for luteal phase defect during that visit...and this medicine would get me through my first trimester as my progesterone levels were low...the same cause of my previous miscarriage.
For my anxiety ridden 6 week sonogram, I would have the same technician who had to give me the news that my last baby was no longer living...who now joyfully told me we had a heartbeat...a technician I never saw outside of those two circumstances.
The Lord would change my mind from having a 40 week induction to a 41st week induction...which allowed for some phenomenal time with Big Boy as I enjoyed an unexplained burst of energy my last week of pregnancy.
On the Sunday before my induction, my pastor's wife would have her baby 2 weeks early causing a fill in preacher to preach a wonderfully healing message about all things working together for the good of those who love the Lord...a sermon where he spent considerable time talking about finding hope in God through death and miscarriage...and how sometimes God will show His purpose and sometimes He won't...but He always has a purpose.
My OB would be out of town at the end of my 41st week resulting in my having to deliver at a different hospital... the hospital that I could not bear to drive by as it reminded me of the surgery I had there that removed my lost baby from my womb...the hospital where I could now happily associate a wonderful, healthy birth.
And today would be another baby dedication...a once a year event...last year it was in August...this year it just HAPPENS to be the day we are ready for the baby to venture out to church.
I would say the odds of these things just randomly happening by circumstance are fairly low. No, instead I see all of these things as carefully orchestrated events that God brought into my life to promote healing and increase my love and devotion for Him. What a kind and loving God to know my heart and the pain and confusion inside of it. What a powerful God to allow me to literally see how connected moments of life can be .
Today I worshiped the God who not only gave His own son in order that I might be able to be in a relationship with Him, but is an active and caring participant in that relationship.
He loves me, and I know it. He doesn't have to show me anything or reveal His work in my life, but this time He did and I am so thankful.
Having a miscarriage is a devastating experience. People offer you comfort, but unless they've lost a baby, they can't know the surreal, confusing, ache that is born when your child ISN'T. Even after the event, life after miscarriage/infant loss continues to have twinges of pain and confusion. Every August 20th, I find myself remembering the procedure to remove the baby from my womb. He/she should have been born in late March. I find myself thinking of my baby around that time. I think about how old he/she would be now.
Probably the weirdest thing is when people ask me how many children I have and my heart hurts as I say 2 (instead of 3). In my heart I know I have THREE children...but it's unnecessary to go into that with strangers. I've told my oldest son that he has a brother/sister that died in my tummy before his Little Brother was born...so whenever I call Little Brother my 2nd baby, Big Brother corrects me and says, "No mama, he's your 3rd baby."
The solace that I have when I think of that little one is that he/she is with Jesus. He has named my child and knows him/her. I will see that child when I go to be with God...and we will know one another. That baby is in good hands.
I posted this is on Facebook when my youngest son was just a few weeks old. Reading through it again, I am still moved by the amazing circumstances that helped bring some measure of healing as I celebrated a new baby and grieved the one I'd lost.
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November 2010:
Today was baby dedication day at church. It was a day filled with joy for me as I brought my new baby to church for the first time. Though I had this little bundle in my arms I wept as the pastor mentioned that though we are celebrating these children it's important that we remember to walk with one another even in the pain of infertility and loss of a child. My heart clinched in my chest as I reflected back on last year's baby dedication.
The Friday before last year's baby dedication I found out that the baby in my womb had stopped living 2 weeks before. I was blindsided as I walked into church and heard that it was baby dedication day. But, I belong to a God who knows me and cares for my heart. By His grace I was honestly able to rejoice with those wonderful families that we had come to know over our first year at Redeemer. I was grieving and experiencing deep and painful emotions from this loss. Knowing my heart, God continued to care for me and showed me beautiful consideration over the next year. His hand was so evident in every aspect of Baby Boy's conception, pregnancy and birth that I kept finding myself saying "what are the odds?".
What are the odds that:
The very day I had my scheduled yearly visit with my OBGYN I would have an implantation dip on my BBT chart (a family planning technique)...a biological sign that conception has occurred.
She would prescribe me progesterone for luteal phase defect during that visit...and this medicine would get me through my first trimester as my progesterone levels were low...the same cause of my previous miscarriage.
For my anxiety ridden 6 week sonogram, I would have the same technician who had to give me the news that my last baby was no longer living...who now joyfully told me we had a heartbeat...a technician I never saw outside of those two circumstances.
The Lord would change my mind from having a 40 week induction to a 41st week induction...which allowed for some phenomenal time with Big Boy as I enjoyed an unexplained burst of energy my last week of pregnancy.
On the Sunday before my induction, my pastor's wife would have her baby 2 weeks early causing a fill in preacher to preach a wonderfully healing message about all things working together for the good of those who love the Lord...a sermon where he spent considerable time talking about finding hope in God through death and miscarriage...and how sometimes God will show His purpose and sometimes He won't...but He always has a purpose.
My OB would be out of town at the end of my 41st week resulting in my having to deliver at a different hospital... the hospital that I could not bear to drive by as it reminded me of the surgery I had there that removed my lost baby from my womb...the hospital where I could now happily associate a wonderful, healthy birth.
And today would be another baby dedication...a once a year event...last year it was in August...this year it just HAPPENS to be the day we are ready for the baby to venture out to church.
I would say the odds of these things just randomly happening by circumstance are fairly low. No, instead I see all of these things as carefully orchestrated events that God brought into my life to promote healing and increase my love and devotion for Him. What a kind and loving God to know my heart and the pain and confusion inside of it. What a powerful God to allow me to literally see how connected moments of life can be .
Today I worshiped the God who not only gave His own son in order that I might be able to be in a relationship with Him, but is an active and caring participant in that relationship.
He loves me, and I know it. He doesn't have to show me anything or reveal His work in my life, but this time He did and I am so thankful.
Monday, October 7, 2013
An Object At Rest
The most acute symptom of Adrenal Fatigue is well...fatigue. Fatigue is different than tiredness. It’s an all-consuming, never ending, constant exhaustion. It almost feels like my body is a black hole that feeds on energy. Often, my arms and legs feel like they are full of lead and I can’t keep my eyes open. My muscles ache and my mind is foggy.
A full night’s sleep is rare. I usually wake up at least once a night to go to the bathroom, or because my hips hurt, or to take care of my 2.5 year who is still night waking on a regular basis. Even when I CAN get a good night sleep, it often doesn’t help. I still wake up tired and stay tired all day.
Secondly, some days I just have stuff to do. The dishes don’t wash themselves. The laundry doesn’t put itself away. I sometimes need to shop online for things I don’t have time to go get in person. Though I am tired, I can power through enough to make it until bed time. Do I enjoy cleaning my house when I feel like I am walking through knee-deep mud? No, no I do not. Is it necessary some days to do it anyway? Yes.
Lastly, I feel guilty for napping every day. I feel like a pampered, lazy, whiner who can’t hack grown up life. While those things are (mostly) untrue, I still have that message at the back of my mind. Taking a nap instead of cleaning something makes me feel like I am wasting my day…frittering away valuable work time.
Today I have a Great Wall sized pile of dishes, about 4 million loads of laundry to wash/dry/put away, and every room in my home is being plagued with clutter. But, damn if I don’t need a nap right now. I am SO exhausted…I just want to sleep. I don’t even have the wherewithal to pry my tuchas out of this here chair.
This illness continues to throw out symptom after symptom and I am being forced by my body to take it seriously. I have a chronic illness. Something is actually physically wrong with my body and creating a real and tangible fatigue. If I am ever going to feel better, I need to get over myself and really taking resting seriously. I need to rest my body and my mind and not worry about the things that need to be done. They will get done. And if they don’t they must not be that important.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
It's EVERYTHING Awareness Month
Oh, October! Crisp temperatures, warm cider, soft sweaters, boots, and Breast Cancer Awareness Month. And National Coming Out Day (11th). And Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. And National Squirrel Awareness Month (completely true). Here is a list of ALL of the awareness movements in October.
My theory about why October is uber-awareness month has to do with cash flow. I think that it's an easy month to raise money. The weather is great for 5ks and marathons. People haven't quite started tightening purse strings to prepare for Christmas shopping. Additionally, people seem to feel really good at the beginning of fall...I imagine that effects their compassionate giving as well.
I don't think that all of the awareness days properly belong in October. Case in point... Mental Illness Awareness Week. It is supposed to be observed the first full week of October...the year it's the 6th-12th. But, if I were to choose an awareness week it would be in January or February...when people statistically report feeling their emotional lowest. Blue Monday (the 3rd Monday of January) is a new phenomenon whereby people report being the most depressed.
Although Blue Monday is decried as a pseudoscientific date, I would be willing to wager that a large amount of people who suffer from depression would admit that January and February are the hardest months. I realize that depression is NOT the only mental illness...but it is often a SYMPTOM of many other mental illnesses. Depression is listed as a symptom (or comorbid illness) of: bipolar disorder, anxiety, schizophrenia, PTSD, anorexia, bulimia, insomnia, addiction, substance abuse, autism spectrum disorders, sadistic personality disorder...and so on and so on.
But, here we are...it's October and next week is Mental Illness Awareness Week. What are we going to do about it? First, if you suspect that you have depression, October 10th is Depression Screening Day. Get screened. You already suspect it. Get it checked out. Here is a link to an online screening...you can also search the web to find screenings in your area.
Secondly, get informed. Mental illness has lost a lot of its stigma in recent years, but there is still a lot of work to do. Here is a fact sheet on the topic of mental illness. Mental illness affects someone you love (statistically). It's not just Crazy Aunt Marge The Stinky Cat Lady. It's your mom, your uncle, your husband, your child, your coworkers, anyone.
Finally, get HELP. If YOU think you have a mental illness, tell a medical professional. They will NOT think you are crazy (and if they do, get a different doctor). A lot of mental illness are simple chemical imbalances that can be corrected or lessened by taking a tiny little pill (or sometimes even simple lifestyle changes). If you have trauma that has contributed to your mental health trouble...go see a counselor. They will NOT think you are crazy (and if you ARE crazy, don't you want someone to come alongside you and help you find your way back to sanity?). Counselors, therapists, and psychiatrists are trained to help people with mental health problems. They are FOR you.
If you think (or know) that someone you love has a mental illness, don't hate them, don't fear them, don't think you can save them...just be in relationship with them. These resources are available to you too. Ask a counselor how to best care for your husband, wife, child, dad. They have tons of coping strategies for you. Google it. Look for trustworthy sites that give information of living with a person who is mentally ill. Get informed and figure out how to navigate through life with them.
Mental Illness is a real thing that affects real people ( a LOT of people). The more we can understand how our broken brains affect our lives, the more intentional we can be about addressing that brokenness. Life will never be perfect. Things in this world are not the way they are supposed to be. But, with compassion, information, love, and grit, we can do our best to show God's kindness to our loved ones with mental illnesses.
My theory about why October is uber-awareness month has to do with cash flow. I think that it's an easy month to raise money. The weather is great for 5ks and marathons. People haven't quite started tightening purse strings to prepare for Christmas shopping. Additionally, people seem to feel really good at the beginning of fall...I imagine that effects their compassionate giving as well.
I don't think that all of the awareness days properly belong in October. Case in point... Mental Illness Awareness Week. It is supposed to be observed the first full week of October...the year it's the 6th-12th. But, if I were to choose an awareness week it would be in January or February...when people statistically report feeling their emotional lowest. Blue Monday (the 3rd Monday of January) is a new phenomenon whereby people report being the most depressed.
Although Blue Monday is decried as a pseudoscientific date, I would be willing to wager that a large amount of people who suffer from depression would admit that January and February are the hardest months. I realize that depression is NOT the only mental illness...but it is often a SYMPTOM of many other mental illnesses. Depression is listed as a symptom (or comorbid illness) of: bipolar disorder, anxiety, schizophrenia, PTSD, anorexia, bulimia, insomnia, addiction, substance abuse, autism spectrum disorders, sadistic personality disorder...and so on and so on.
But, here we are...it's October and next week is Mental Illness Awareness Week. What are we going to do about it? First, if you suspect that you have depression, October 10th is Depression Screening Day. Get screened. You already suspect it. Get it checked out. Here is a link to an online screening...you can also search the web to find screenings in your area.
Secondly, get informed. Mental illness has lost a lot of its stigma in recent years, but there is still a lot of work to do. Here is a fact sheet on the topic of mental illness. Mental illness affects someone you love (statistically). It's not just Crazy Aunt Marge The Stinky Cat Lady. It's your mom, your uncle, your husband, your child, your coworkers, anyone.
Finally, get HELP. If YOU think you have a mental illness, tell a medical professional. They will NOT think you are crazy (and if they do, get a different doctor). A lot of mental illness are simple chemical imbalances that can be corrected or lessened by taking a tiny little pill (or sometimes even simple lifestyle changes). If you have trauma that has contributed to your mental health trouble...go see a counselor. They will NOT think you are crazy (and if you ARE crazy, don't you want someone to come alongside you and help you find your way back to sanity?). Counselors, therapists, and psychiatrists are trained to help people with mental health problems. They are FOR you.
If you think (or know) that someone you love has a mental illness, don't hate them, don't fear them, don't think you can save them...just be in relationship with them. These resources are available to you too. Ask a counselor how to best care for your husband, wife, child, dad. They have tons of coping strategies for you. Google it. Look for trustworthy sites that give information of living with a person who is mentally ill. Get informed and figure out how to navigate through life with them.
Mental Illness is a real thing that affects real people ( a LOT of people). The more we can understand how our broken brains affect our lives, the more intentional we can be about addressing that brokenness. Life will never be perfect. Things in this world are not the way they are supposed to be. But, with compassion, information, love, and grit, we can do our best to show God's kindness to our loved ones with mental illnesses.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Silencing The Voice In My Head
Ok, that title makes me sound crazier than I actually am! What I want to chat about today are the messages that we give ourselves each day and in times of failure or need.
My Inner Dialogue is mean as hell. She's the one who tells me I am a failure...that I am worthless...that no one really likes me...that I'm ugly and disgusting to behold...that God is disappointed with me, again. This voice rarely says anything positive or productive. (If she says something edifying, I get suspicious of her motives.)
The cutting words of my Inner Dialogue are not the same as the whisper of the Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit convicts me when I am wrong and brings me to repentance and peace. Inner Dialogue's job is to keep me obsessing and emotionally impotent. This is the voice that blames me for everything that goes wrong in my life. She heaps shame and guilt on me whether or not I deserve it. Her words beat my heart up and then kick me mercilessly when I am down. She wants me as far from the peace of God as possible.
One of the new tools in my toolbox of emotional well being is using positive self talk to combat my Inner Dialogue. It's an intentional conversation I have to have with myself in order to give myself an appropriate perspective. Sometimes I use words from the Bible to make her stop talking. I repeat the over and over as I find myself tensing up and clenching my jaw. "Jesus died for me when I was still His enemy and He loves me desperately...Nothing can separate me from His love." Most of the time, though, my new messages are basic and small. "I did my best, that's all I can do" or "This is NOT my fault, things just happen sometimes" or "I made a mistake, I'll do better next time".
While those might sound like dumb things to have to tell yourself, they REALLY help me. I have a very hard time forgiving myself for mistakes and missteps. Giving myself permission to forgive myself and gaining perspective on the size of the mistake allows me to get out from under the crushing weight of the accusations of Inner Dialogue.
I am sharing this as I face a "failure" this week. My "new" SUV is in the shop for the 3rd time in the month we've owned it. It's been in for several different problems, but this time they found a VERY serious and expensive problem. They tried to make us pay nearly $1,000 for the fix (which was only HALF of it). I got mad. They sold me a broken car and I wasn't going to pay for a $1,000 dollar repair 30 DAYS after I bought a car. I plead my case and they agreed to completely cover the cost of the repairs. I actually think that's fair. I shouldn't have to replace a WHOLE system a month in...that's bad business on their part. BUT...
Inner Dialogue is saying, "well, you're stupid for buying a broken car in the first place" and "you should pay for it because you're the idiot who bought the car" and "you're just trying to get something for nothing by complaining". She's wrong...and most of me understands that. In order to keep her from pushing me down I've had to actively tell myself, "you made a good choice based on the facts you had. The car had low miles, a clean Carfax, and supposedly had all of the major systems inspected and serviced" and "They sold ME a broken car... this is their problem to rectify" and "It's not pushy to communicate unfairness and stand up for yourself".
I'm dead serious when I say that I am minute by minute having to run through these messages in my mind. Inner Dialogue is relentless and constant. I won't stand for it this time. I will not allow the voice in my head to bring me low and push me into depression over a damned car. Keeping your sanity is WORK, but it's work worth doing.
My Inner Dialogue is mean as hell. She's the one who tells me I am a failure...that I am worthless...that no one really likes me...that I'm ugly and disgusting to behold...that God is disappointed with me, again. This voice rarely says anything positive or productive. (If she says something edifying, I get suspicious of her motives.)
The cutting words of my Inner Dialogue are not the same as the whisper of the Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit convicts me when I am wrong and brings me to repentance and peace. Inner Dialogue's job is to keep me obsessing and emotionally impotent. This is the voice that blames me for everything that goes wrong in my life. She heaps shame and guilt on me whether or not I deserve it. Her words beat my heart up and then kick me mercilessly when I am down. She wants me as far from the peace of God as possible.
One of the new tools in my toolbox of emotional well being is using positive self talk to combat my Inner Dialogue. It's an intentional conversation I have to have with myself in order to give myself an appropriate perspective. Sometimes I use words from the Bible to make her stop talking. I repeat the over and over as I find myself tensing up and clenching my jaw. "Jesus died for me when I was still His enemy and He loves me desperately...Nothing can separate me from His love." Most of the time, though, my new messages are basic and small. "I did my best, that's all I can do" or "This is NOT my fault, things just happen sometimes" or "I made a mistake, I'll do better next time".
While those might sound like dumb things to have to tell yourself, they REALLY help me. I have a very hard time forgiving myself for mistakes and missteps. Giving myself permission to forgive myself and gaining perspective on the size of the mistake allows me to get out from under the crushing weight of the accusations of Inner Dialogue.
I am sharing this as I face a "failure" this week. My "new" SUV is in the shop for the 3rd time in the month we've owned it. It's been in for several different problems, but this time they found a VERY serious and expensive problem. They tried to make us pay nearly $1,000 for the fix (which was only HALF of it). I got mad. They sold me a broken car and I wasn't going to pay for a $1,000 dollar repair 30 DAYS after I bought a car. I plead my case and they agreed to completely cover the cost of the repairs. I actually think that's fair. I shouldn't have to replace a WHOLE system a month in...that's bad business on their part. BUT...
Inner Dialogue is saying, "well, you're stupid for buying a broken car in the first place" and "you should pay for it because you're the idiot who bought the car" and "you're just trying to get something for nothing by complaining". She's wrong...and most of me understands that. In order to keep her from pushing me down I've had to actively tell myself, "you made a good choice based on the facts you had. The car had low miles, a clean Carfax, and supposedly had all of the major systems inspected and serviced" and "They sold ME a broken car... this is their problem to rectify" and "It's not pushy to communicate unfairness and stand up for yourself".
I'm dead serious when I say that I am minute by minute having to run through these messages in my mind. Inner Dialogue is relentless and constant. I won't stand for it this time. I will not allow the voice in my head to bring me low and push me into depression over a damned car. Keeping your sanity is WORK, but it's work worth doing.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Workin' For A Livin'
In an earlier post (link here), I outlined the many reasons why I decided to increase the time I spend working outside of my home. I’ve been back to work as a substitute teacher for about 3 weeks now. Because it’s the beginning of the year, however, I've only worked 6 out of 12 days. (Teachers don’t like to be gone the first few weeks of school and there are some blackout days around the Labor Day holiday when classroom teachers risk being docked pay if they call in.)
I’ve already seen some outcomes in the few short weeks I’ve been back to work. Here is an update on each of the areas of my life that the work-at home balance effects.
• The Endlessness: I’m going to be honest here; it has been WONDERFUL to be able to have some completion in my life. Stay at home mothering has frustrated my need to achieve. Every day I work I have a beginning, middle, and end to my day. When it’s over, I can feel confident that I did my best, leave the day behind, and go home and enjoy my family and home.
Additionally, nearly EVERY day that I have worked this quarter, other teachers/paras/aides have specifically asked me to leave my name and number so they can request me in the future. I am a really good sub and it’s so encouraging to have other professionals validate my work. I don’t say that to brag, but to contrast it with what it has felt like to be a stay at home mom. I never get good feedback for my mothering. I seldom believe that I am a really good mom. By making mothering my “vocation”, I have been lost in a sea of criticism (self, peer, societal, etc.) I still get to deal with that criticism because I am still a mother. But, by adding in another element of vocational expression, I have lowered the stakes with regard to my performance as a mom.
• Boredom: Girl, I ain’t got time to be bored! My days go SOOOO much faster now. I get up at 5:45am, get myself ready, team up with my husband to get the kids ready, drop Little Brother off at preschool or Nana’s house and go to school. I’m there until 3:30. From there I usually run to the store or run another errand, go pick up the kids, head home, cook dinner, hang out with kiddos, clean up from dinner, do bedtime, hang out with my husband, take a shower, and go to bed at 10:30. It’s a FULL day. I don’t mind busy-ness as long as it feels productive and well managed.
One thing that has been a little different is that I am making a conscious effort to keep my evenings free. My time with my kids is much more precious to me now. I only have a few hours with them each evening and I want to enjoy them and love on them…hear about their days. As a vocational mom, evenings were a chance to get out of the house and have some adult time. I’m getting that need met at work now, so now I have to guard my time with my boys.
• Extrovert Needs: I get to talk to new people every day. There are children, staff, faculty, and parents that I have the opportunity to engage each day that I work. I’m not developing deep and meaningful relationships…I already have those. What I need is an outlet to express my extroversion…to use my words…to make connections with human beings each day…to be part of a larger whole. I am most assuredly not feeling very lonely right now.
Even though the general trajectory of this endeavor is positive, not everything is 100% awesome. Little Brother wails pitifully every morning that I drop him off at school and it breaks my heart(even though he loves it once he's been there for about 10 minutes) and every night at dinner he tells me he missed me and cried for me at school. But, any guilt I feel when he cries at preschool drop off is balanced by the knowledge that I am doing this for him…for his brother…for our whole family. Yes, adding more work days into my schedule is about me and getting some of my needs met. In the grander scheme, though, I need to have my needs met so that I have a full cup to pour out into them. I’m not worn out from the endlessness, boredom, and loneliness. I’m free to give them my full attention and energy in the little window of time we have together. My heart is lighter and there is joy in my smile again. That joy comes from honoring the way I was created instead of trying to push myself into some role that just doesn’t fit the shape of my soul.
I’ve already seen some outcomes in the few short weeks I’ve been back to work. Here is an update on each of the areas of my life that the work-at home balance effects.
• The Endlessness: I’m going to be honest here; it has been WONDERFUL to be able to have some completion in my life. Stay at home mothering has frustrated my need to achieve. Every day I work I have a beginning, middle, and end to my day. When it’s over, I can feel confident that I did my best, leave the day behind, and go home and enjoy my family and home.
Additionally, nearly EVERY day that I have worked this quarter, other teachers/paras/aides have specifically asked me to leave my name and number so they can request me in the future. I am a really good sub and it’s so encouraging to have other professionals validate my work. I don’t say that to brag, but to contrast it with what it has felt like to be a stay at home mom. I never get good feedback for my mothering. I seldom believe that I am a really good mom. By making mothering my “vocation”, I have been lost in a sea of criticism (self, peer, societal, etc.) I still get to deal with that criticism because I am still a mother. But, by adding in another element of vocational expression, I have lowered the stakes with regard to my performance as a mom.
• Boredom: Girl, I ain’t got time to be bored! My days go SOOOO much faster now. I get up at 5:45am, get myself ready, team up with my husband to get the kids ready, drop Little Brother off at preschool or Nana’s house and go to school. I’m there until 3:30. From there I usually run to the store or run another errand, go pick up the kids, head home, cook dinner, hang out with kiddos, clean up from dinner, do bedtime, hang out with my husband, take a shower, and go to bed at 10:30. It’s a FULL day. I don’t mind busy-ness as long as it feels productive and well managed.
One thing that has been a little different is that I am making a conscious effort to keep my evenings free. My time with my kids is much more precious to me now. I only have a few hours with them each evening and I want to enjoy them and love on them…hear about their days. As a vocational mom, evenings were a chance to get out of the house and have some adult time. I’m getting that need met at work now, so now I have to guard my time with my boys.
• Extrovert Needs: I get to talk to new people every day. There are children, staff, faculty, and parents that I have the opportunity to engage each day that I work. I’m not developing deep and meaningful relationships…I already have those. What I need is an outlet to express my extroversion…to use my words…to make connections with human beings each day…to be part of a larger whole. I am most assuredly not feeling very lonely right now.
Even though the general trajectory of this endeavor is positive, not everything is 100% awesome. Little Brother wails pitifully every morning that I drop him off at school and it breaks my heart(even though he loves it once he's been there for about 10 minutes) and every night at dinner he tells me he missed me and cried for me at school. But, any guilt I feel when he cries at preschool drop off is balanced by the knowledge that I am doing this for him…for his brother…for our whole family. Yes, adding more work days into my schedule is about me and getting some of my needs met. In the grander scheme, though, I need to have my needs met so that I have a full cup to pour out into them. I’m not worn out from the endlessness, boredom, and loneliness. I’m free to give them my full attention and energy in the little window of time we have together. My heart is lighter and there is joy in my smile again. That joy comes from honoring the way I was created instead of trying to push myself into some role that just doesn’t fit the shape of my soul.
Monday, September 2, 2013
State Of The Struggle Address: September 2013
It's been over nine months since I began my intentional endeavor to work on my mental/physical health. Since then I've learned more about my body and what makes it work/not work. Many of the modifications I've made to my lifestyle have been easy to maintain...others...not so much. What's most exciting is that I am beginning to be OK with realizing that transforming my life to promote optimal physical and mental health is going to be a marathon and not a sprint.
Some positive new developments:
1. I pretty much do not eat nightshade vegetables, potatoes, wheat based pasta, dairy (except my allowed cheeses and yogurt) pork, red meat, or shellfish...EVER. They're on my list of items not to consume...and I've avoided them except for the odd occasion.
2. For the most part I've eliminated beer and mixed drinks from my diet. I've also cut out most soft drinks. My sister introduced me to a lightly flavored seltzer water that is a great substitute for soda and has no sugar or artificial flavorings.
3. My depression is MUCH MUCH better. I've been taking my medicine religiously and working very hard to avoid stress (although it finds me!). I'm hardly ever manifesting rage and have been able to enjoy my family in a more complete way.
4. School has started and I am back to work. The new rhythm that my family is finding seems very positive.
Some things that need work:
1. After work, especially, I still DESIRE and often consume extra food. I am not really hungry or craving anything, it's just a habit...kind of an exhale from my day. I'm trying to combat this by packing a healthy (but desirable) snack in my lunch for after school
2. I've gotten back into the sugar habit again (and refined flour buns for hot dogs and burgers...turkey of course). I was doing so well. I don't even really want it anymore, it's just a habit, like muscle memory. The only thing I can do about it at this point is to pray and to try my best to form new habits to take the place of eating sugar.
3. I haven't starting exercising regularly yet. My husband just helped to clear the space for my at-home yoga studio this weekend. At 9:00pm, I plan to go upstairs to do 30 min of yoga each weeknight. It should help me unwind and get ready for bed. I was supposed to try and fit yoga in between work and picking the kids up from school, but yoga isn't going to fit into the schedule at that time.
4. I'm having physical anxiety symptoms. My mind is fine and I am not really actively worrying about anything, but my body is still taking a hit whenever stress presents itself. I think yoga and meditation will help.
So, that's what's going on in my fight to stay sane and healthy. Overall, I am happy with how things are going. Yes, there are things that need improvement, but I'll do what I can and continue on this journey one choice at a time.
Some positive new developments:
1. I pretty much do not eat nightshade vegetables, potatoes, wheat based pasta, dairy (except my allowed cheeses and yogurt) pork, red meat, or shellfish...EVER. They're on my list of items not to consume...and I've avoided them except for the odd occasion.
2. For the most part I've eliminated beer and mixed drinks from my diet. I've also cut out most soft drinks. My sister introduced me to a lightly flavored seltzer water that is a great substitute for soda and has no sugar or artificial flavorings.
3. My depression is MUCH MUCH better. I've been taking my medicine religiously and working very hard to avoid stress (although it finds me!). I'm hardly ever manifesting rage and have been able to enjoy my family in a more complete way.
4. School has started and I am back to work. The new rhythm that my family is finding seems very positive.
Some things that need work:
1. After work, especially, I still DESIRE and often consume extra food. I am not really hungry or craving anything, it's just a habit...kind of an exhale from my day. I'm trying to combat this by packing a healthy (but desirable) snack in my lunch for after school
2. I've gotten back into the sugar habit again (and refined flour buns for hot dogs and burgers...turkey of course). I was doing so well. I don't even really want it anymore, it's just a habit, like muscle memory. The only thing I can do about it at this point is to pray and to try my best to form new habits to take the place of eating sugar.
3. I haven't starting exercising regularly yet. My husband just helped to clear the space for my at-home yoga studio this weekend. At 9:00pm, I plan to go upstairs to do 30 min of yoga each weeknight. It should help me unwind and get ready for bed. I was supposed to try and fit yoga in between work and picking the kids up from school, but yoga isn't going to fit into the schedule at that time.
4. I'm having physical anxiety symptoms. My mind is fine and I am not really actively worrying about anything, but my body is still taking a hit whenever stress presents itself. I think yoga and meditation will help.
So, that's what's going on in my fight to stay sane and healthy. Overall, I am happy with how things are going. Yes, there are things that need improvement, but I'll do what I can and continue on this journey one choice at a time.
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